I'm going to Hell

Reasons Britain Is Great

2008-03-20T11:44:00.002Z

It seems a little strange to me that a country as small as ours would feel good enough about itself to put 'Great' in front of it's name. It makes me wonder who we're trying to convince, the rest of the world, or ourselves. I always hear people complaining about living here, but if you think about it a bit, it's actually an awesome place to live!

Here's five reasons why this little Britain really is Great:

1. We used to have the largest empire in history, spanning a quarter of the world.
2. Music
3. Free health care on the NHS
4. Drinking at 18
5. Sex at 16

Sure we always bang on about what we used to own, but the point is when this country was a little younger we really were an over-achieving bunch. We make up for that now by continually losing to the rest of the world at sports we invented.

We still have good music, and an amazing history of music, even inventing Metal (Thanks Ozzy!). But we're also famous for the Beatles, The Who and The Rolling Stones. Not to mention more recent great bands like Led Zeppelin, Queen, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden. We were also well into Punk, with the Sex Pistols and The Clash. In the 80s there was New Wave, but the less said about that the better.

I like this country's drinking culture. It's always raised as a negative, but I myself am a binge drinker, and I like doing it. I like that I could drink (legally) from 18, and have sex at 16, I felt I was old enough and responsible enough to do those things. I still drink as much as I did at 15 18 and I don't plan on slowing down. Sure this may eventually lead to some problems later in my life, but on the positive side, health care is free!

Films I Watched Too Much As A Teenager

2008-03-10T17:16:00.003Z

At boarding school I was the kid with the films. At the time hardly anyone had games consoles, I managed to get a PlayStation a bit late in the game. Quite a few people had N64s which we used to 'borrow' to play 4 player MarioKart or GoldenEye. However my main claim was my TV, then my TV/VCR combo. I used to live in Cyprus, where there was no such thing as copyright and I could get pirated videos of the latest blockbuster by walking to the NAAFI (the UK version of a US PX).

One of the weirdest examples I have of this is a young friend asking if I wanted to watch this new film his Dad had bought, it's called 'Jurassic Park' or something. I thought it was pretty good, but the guy on screen who's head was in the way was a little annoying. Afterwards I went home and walked in as the news was reporting how people had queued around the block to watch that very film back in England.

I kept buying videos, they were ridiculously cheap, and I had a case of them I would take to school, to watch and lend. My favourites at the time amongst me and my friends a few years later were:

1. The Rock (1996)
2. Pulp Fiction (1994)
3. Bad Boys (1995)
4. The Usual Suspects (1995)
5. White Men Can't Jump (1992)

We knew each of these films pretty much line by line. I had a fairly limited collection of videos so we used to watch them A LOT. Back then only a few people had their own PCs or laptops, and time available on someone else's was mostly spent playing Duke Nukem 3D or X-COM: Terror From The Deep. Internet connections were barely available in school buildings let alone boarding houses, so there was no Internet, no downloading, a feeble amount of digital porn and the occasional film brought in from home on multiple CDs. That was how I first saw The Phantom Menace, on 3 CDs before it had even been released.

I think one of my favourite moments was creeping down the dorm while eight people were sat in the dark after lights out watching House on Haunted Hill. I reached through the curtain and grabbed the closest shoulder at a particularly scary bit and then listened to the chain reaction of screams. Of course if you watch a bad film you can always forward to about 38:19mins into Wild Things and remove the bad memories. I recall having to do this after watching Animal Farm. Not the cartoon version.

Types of Underwear

2008-02-14T10:17:00.003Z

Happy Valentines Day! Yeah! Can anyone tell me what St Valentine did? No you can't! Because no one knows. And I don't just mean a general no one, I mean literally no one knows. However I'm pretty sure whatever they were martyred for does not include giving out flowers, cards and chocolate.

As I don't really like Valentine's Day I won't be talking much about it. I will however be getting the Wench something, or else I'm in trouble, not that she ever gets in trouble for not getting me anything, but I'm wondering off the point. The topic today will instead be about pants, as we call them, or underwear for the Americans in the audience. My Top 5 types of undergarments are:

1. Pants (The traditional tighty whiteys, in case you think I mean trousers)
2. Boxers
3. Thongs
4. Lingerie
5. None

I gave up wearing pants quite a while ago, at some point boxers just became more comfortable, plus they were less embarrassing, like wearing swimming shorts instead of speedos.

Thongs are brilliant, and I'm not talking about banana hammocks, and I'm not saying that I wear them. But aren't they great? Who ever invented thongs should win a nobel prize. I'm not sure which category it'd be in though, maybe peace, but also possibly physics or medicine... banishing the VPL should certainly be worthy of something. On the topic the Wench should win some kind of prize, as pretty much all her underwear consists of thongs, and that's why I love her!

Lingerie is a gift from the gods. Is there anything better than lingerie? And it's so comfortable... Although every one knows you can always trump lingerie by simply going commando.

'Mature' Activities

2008-02-08T15:51:00.001Z

I recently read this article. In it the female author complains how men aren't growing up like they used to, how they're underachieving. Men should be less adolescent and do more mature activities, instead of playing Halo 3 with your buddies you should be 'packing leisure hours' with the following grown up pursuits:

1. Shopping
2. Traveling
3. Dining with friends
4. Getting your hair done
5. Having sleepovers

Of course these pastimes seem like infinitely more mature activities than 'playing basketball with your buddies, downloading music, playing on your xbox360, then going out to bars and parties', after all it's not like I haven't been doing her list of activities since I was 7 myself. Well except for the sleepovers, but I did use to have house mates. The list she's deriding is pretty much the same as hers, just a male equivalent, none of these activities are 'mature', surely by that she means something like visiting museums and art galleries, reading dusty books and wine tasting.

I suspect what she's really upset about is that men just don't want to get married and have children. Oh no, what a disaster, she can't find a man. This doesn't make them immature or in need of growing up. What are the advantages to getting married? Companionship? Men have friends, as she pointed out. Sex? Also as she herself said, men are capable of finding this without being married. A family? Men can have children later in life, so what's the rush. Basically men have no incentive to get married. Unless you call getting divorced, losing your kids, money, car and house like over 50% of marriages an incentive.

By the way I'm getting married in just under 8 months, I'm 25, I have a job, an apartment and four games consoles, how immature am I?

Update: Looks like this is becoming a trend, get some more gamer hate here.

Problems with the Flying Car

2008-01-17T16:35:00.000Z

Have you ever wished for a flying car? I know I have. But just give it a bit of thought, how great would flying cars really be? There would have to be so much associated technology developed along with it to even make it feasible as a mode of transport. Not to mention the fact that you'd have to find a method of propulsion smaller and safer than blades of metal spinning around at head height.

Here's five problems with the idea I came up with off the top of my head:

1. Fuel expense
2. Lack of suitable parking
3. Mid-air collisions
4. Driving tests would be impossible
5. Car trouble could be fatal

I think the first problem to overcome is cost. The cost of fuel (nuclear or otherwise), the cost of insurance (crash protection, unscheduled landing cover), the cost of learning to fly, the cost of renting a landing pad, the emotional cost of scraping your daughter up after she slams into a building while applying her makeup.

It seems that the flying car is a dream that is destined to never be realised. Sure we may see flying cars, the same as we see helicopters, but they will be owned by company CEOs, and piloted by trained chauffeurs. Come to think of it, it would probably be safer and cheaper all round to invent the jetpack. Or rocketboots!

Comebacks

2008-01-14T16:10:00.000Z

Everyone needs a little box of comebacks, for those times when people just hurl abuse at you, like at breakfast. At times like that your sanity relies on you being able to whip out an appropriate put down which will silence your assailant. This is especially important when your a kid. I went to a boarding school and bullying was so common it was just a way of life. Everyone was a bully, including me, it just depended how good you were at it.

The bullying wasn't as important as your counter, or as we referred to it 'banter'. You had to have a comeback ready, and if you weren't quick enough to come up with one to suit the occasion, you used one of the many standard retorts:

1. So's your face.
2. I am rubber, you are glue.
3. That's what your (girlfriend/Dad/Mum/Sister/Dog) said.
4. A 'Your Momma' joke.
5. Your Mum's dead.

A lot of the time we just insulted each other to say hello, so a good your momma joke was an appropriate response. However if someone really pissed you off you could use 'Your Mum's Dead'. This was the childhood equivalent of the modern nuclear weapon, mutually assured destruction. The 'Your Mum's Dead' answer could be taken one of two ways: The first would be a standard counter-retort, and an argument that would probably just escalate into the ridiculsphere, where insults no longer make any sense. Of course you could end up with the second way, when your assailant's Mum is actually dead... Chances are that will not end well.

Reasons to be Happy

2008-01-10T17:05:00.000Z

Happy New Year! I know it's late, as always. I've not had the greatest start to the year, probably better than last year, but still not great. After the God of Hangovers finally decided to move on from the party he and his insane, screeching hyena entourage were having inside my skull on the 2nd of January, I was granted a day of reprieve until I fell ill on the 4th. After a miserable weekend spent on the couch curled up with the Wench and a duvet I got back to work on the Monday.

So I've been catching up with stuff since then. Cleaning up, doing work, blah blah, the usual grind. Every so often I need to remind myself of a few things:

1. 2007 is over
2. I have a new car
3. I'm not ill any more
4. 2008 can finally get going
5. I'm getting married this year!

We actually bought our car last year, finally getting rid of one of the things that made 2007 so unbearable. The car cost £600 when we bought it, since then we've spent at least 3 times that on keeping it running. No longer will things drop off our car unexpectedly, deflate, collapse, spin away or break apart. Fingers crossed.

The other big news is that this is the year I make the Wench an honest woman. Not that she's not an honest woman now, it's a bit of a stupid expression really. The realisation that we have less than nine months left to plan, book and arrange our wedding was a bit of a shock. I'm not really involved in the planning so far, which can only be a good thing, it seems to be ticking along nicely with the Wench and her mum doing their thing. As long as I get my pimp cane, top hat and topless ushers I'll be fine.

Ninja Characteristics

2007-12-10T16:27:00.000Z

Another year has snuck past me almost unnoticed and Day of the Ninja has once again past. As usual I'm a little slow on the uptake so my post about it is a ~~day~~ few days late. Or I'm so ninja I posted this ~~yesterday~~ on Friday and no one noticed... See it's so good you don't even notice the alterations I've made!

Anyway, for those of you wishing to become ninjas, below I've listed the Top 5 characteristics a ninja requires:

1. Black clothes
2. Silence
3. Skills in all types of combat
4. Stealth
5. Being 'Ninja'

I know what your thinking. Silence and stealth? Surely they're the same thing? And that's why you'll never be a ninja. Silence is simply the absence of noise, but stealth is the ability to make yourself invisible. To truly become a part of the wall your clinging to; to strike from the shadows without being seen; to melt into the wind to make your escape.

The most important point is to be 'ninja'. This is very hard to explain. There are certain personalities who just can't be ninjas. You don't have the mindset, the patience or the determination. Being 'ninja' isn't something that can be taught, you have to have the instinct. It's the sort of thing your born with, like the ability to drink your bodyweight in vodka, or being ravishingly handsome. Unfortunately for me, neither of those skills is particularly useful in becoming a ninja.

Ways To Rape My Childhood

2007-12-05T17:27:00.000Z

Nostalgia is a funny thing. While I revel in stuff from my past and relive great experiences there's always the times when you realise just how crap everything used to be. For example there's a lot of computer games I've tried again which are just rubbish, films that are totally unwatchable, food I'd rather use to waterproof my attic than eat again. There's also Thundercats the Movie.

Nostalgia is probably a billion ~~dollar~~ pound industry now. The reason for this is the liberties people take with your most treasured childhood memories. Here's a few examples:

1. The Wicker Man
2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
3. Rollerball
4. The Italian Job
5. The Star Wars Prequels

It's true that I've only listed films, but this is mostly what I come across nowadays. I could just as easily have listed song covers, or remade children's cartoons. However films are probably where you are most likely to see this. Hollywood remakes are shockingly awful. Sure every now and again they'll pull out 'The Magnificent Seven', but then you'll also get 'Alvin and the Chipmunks', or 'The Grudge', or 'Psycho'.

Now it's a free for all. Anything is game. We are so hard up for original ideas everything is being remade or given a sequel. Doom got a new game AND a film. I don't have a problem with exploring an idea, or putting it in a different country/time period/planet/all of the above, or at least making it good. As long as people realise not everything is going to be as good as bringing back Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles again.

Chat Up Lines Gone Wrong

2007-11-15T15:23:00.000Z

It's been quite a while since I've had to try and pull a girl. I've been with the Wench for so long it seems like forever (Eight years, I didn't forget, it was a joke! Not the face!), so I've not had much use for chat up lines. Of course before I met the Wench I never had to resort to such vulgar tactics, being the suave lady killer that I am.

Below are a few of the worst chat up lines I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. And when I say hearing I don't mean they were tried on me, otherwise I may very well have not been single when the Wench came around. Here they are:

1. Fat Penguin? (It breaks the ice!)
2. If you were snot I'd pick you first.
3. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
4. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
5. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I did in fact lie before. Not about being a debonair casanova, that was all true, but about never using a chat up line. In my extensive experience it's always best to get the object of your affections on your good side, and this may involve getting her to smile. Of course this requires a certain amount of guess work as to whether or not you'll get a positive response, and which line to use. Even the tried and tested 'Can I buy you a drink?' is a chat up line, so most men at some point have used a line.

I wouldn't recommend using any of the gems above, although a variation of the first featuring a chubby polar bear did get me a smile once. As far as the others are concerned it's probably best to be complementary, even if the line is so cheesy it's funny. I'd steer clear of offering to let a girl sniff a rag in your hand, rape humour is never popular, you'll probably end up getting maced, and let me tell you, that stuff stings!

Reasons NOT to do NaNoWriMo

2007-11-06T11:52:00.001Z

In case no one knows about it yet, I feel the need to point out that it is actually National Novel Writing Month (It should really be International, but whatever). I really should have said this before the month started, so if you wanted to you could join in, but I'm selfish like that, I didn't want you stealing my glory.

I've wanted to do this for a few years, so this year, despite not being any more prepared, or with more time than any other year, I took the plunge and signed up at NaNoWriMo.org. Here's five reasons I shouldn't have done this:

1. It's 1,666 words a day, the number of the beast!
2. I hardly write in my blog.
3. I don't have a plot.
4. I'm as easily distracted as a chubber* at a buffet.
5. I can't actually write.

The basic premise is that you spew out 50,000 words in one month. It is an incredibly rough first draft that you can then do whatever you want with. Even if that is storing it away and calling yourself a writer for the rest of your life, which is what I plan to do. I'm struggling a little at the moment though, having just crossed the 4,000 word mark last night, while I'm supposed to be at around 10,000 by the end of the day. Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

To give you an idea of the sheer stupidity I've got myself involved in, and just how much of a plot I don't have, my book will feature: Angels, demons, rats in armour, skinned vikings, ghost Romans and possibly freaky dead orphans. Sounds great doesn't it? It's also not supposed to be a comedy, as it's intended for adults. An example of just how much I intended this to be for adults occurred in my first day of writing:

The Wench: "So what's happening now?"
Me: "Well, my main character is a girl who's just about to be raped in a mental hospital."

I'll let you all know when I get it published!

*After searching Urban Dictionary for known meanings of 'chubber' I thought I should point out I'm not talking about a hardening penis, but am in fact referring to a fat person. That's another of those UK-US mix ups like what you call 'chocolate' we call 'inedible swill'.

Slutty Halloween Costumes

2007-10-30T15:36:00.000Z

Halloween is rolling around again and as usual it's time for everyone to decide on what they're going to dress up as. For children this is pretty easy, you just ask your parents. They'll probably put some face paint on you and give you some old clothes, so you look like a zombie midget, or a witch with a pituitary disease. Men have it a little more difficult, they actually have to put some effort into their costumes. Especially if you're headed to a party and are on the look out for a helpless damsel your vampire count can prey on, or trying to find a sexy Velma to complete your Scooby Gang.

Of course for the ladies it's simply a matter of making a costume designed around 'Slutty [Insert Occupation Here]'. This may sound like I'm complaining, but far from it. Here's a few of the more popular costumes the girls choose:

1. Slutty Cop
2. Slutty Schoolgirl
3. Slutty Pirate
4. Slutty Nurse
5. Slutty Slut

I think I speak for all men when I congratulate women on the effectiveness and ingenuity of this very simple idea. Who would have thought that the world could be made a better place by just taking a normal Halloween outfit and making it slutty. I don't think that's overstating this at all, it is genius, and I for one, applaud it.

But I think it should be pointed out that there's generally very little effort involved when it comes to the girls making their costumes. While there's always those ladies who take the extra effort to make their costumes as small as possible, but still have the theme be recognisable, by far the most popular costume amongst women is the Slutty Slut, or as it's better known the 'putting-on-a-pair-of-cat-ears-with-whatever-your-sluttiest-outfit-is'. Come on people, Halloween's always a good time, if your gonna dress up, at least put some effort in.

Most Annoying Celebrity Gossip Magazines

2007-10-26T11:09:00.000Z

There's very few thing's I find more frustrating than modern civilization's fascination with 'celebrities'. I don't mind it about people who are actually famous, but who cares about someone whose only claim to fame was that they were on a game show over four years ago. And they didn't even win!

The worst thing about this is the magazines I see in newsagents and supermarkets. They obviously sell, otherwise there wouldn't be so many of them. I don't see why people need to know this sort of information about these people, or why there's such a market for this crap. Here's the worst offenders:

1. Glamour
2. Now
3. OK!
4. Closer
5. Heat

I hate these magazines. It's pure shit disguised as journalism. If I want to know about celebrity news I'll just read The Superficial instead. It's not that I care about what is being written, I just think that it's written in a funny way, which actively encourages you not to care.

However the thing that makes me ashamed is when a new magazine comes out and I ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S IN IT. I've already read about it. I am more up to date on irrelevant celebrity knowledge than most of the girls I know. Sure I don't actually know that many girls, and the last thing the Wench read for fun was our tickets to Metallica, but it makes me feel like I need to scrub out my brain with steel wool. It seems like that could only make me smarter. Otherwise pretty soon I'll be impersonating these muppets: carrying round small dogs that can't walk for themselves, checking myself into rehab at least once a day, then getting my kids taken away from me. Not that I have kids, but I could adopt some. That's cool at the moment as well though, yeah?

Films I'm Ashamed To Admit I Like

2007-10-12T10:05:00.000Z

OK, just to disappoint you I'll clarify that maybe 'ashamed' is too strong a word. I'll admit that I like these films if they come up in conversation. Most of the time I'm met with disbelief, although there was that time I ended up with 6 stitches. To be fair I did call her Mum a whore and curse her family, I wonder how that's working out. I consider these films underrated classics, so I don't mind sticking up for them, especially if the reason the conversation came up is to diss John Woo. No one disses The Woo! Anyway, here's my five films:

1. Transformers The Movie (1986) - 42%
2. Army of Darkness - 78%
3. Hard Target - 32%
4. Hulk - 61%
5. What Dreams May Come - 56%
*Scores courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes*

OK, I am kind of ashamed of liking What Dreams May Come, I think I could officially have my balls revoked for admitting it. It's a good film though! It looks awesome and the dude goes to hell to get his wife back. You've got to admit that is impressive. Plus The Wench loves it so I score points for watching it with her.

Hulk is underrated and got a slating for no good reason. ~~So what if the hulk didn't smash enough, that probably would've been even more boring.~~ OK, so it was fairly boring. But it was the kind of comic book film that should be made, not just action, it actually has a story as well. On the other hand Hard Target is probably Van Damme's best film, except maybe Universal Soldier, that was awesome.

I have no excuse for Transformers. Except this.

Cross Bred Animals

2007-10-02T15:06:00.000Z

I noticed in the news the other day that a strange looking Zorse had been bred in Germany. Now I didn't know about Zorses, but isn't that a cool idea? Cross breeding different species is definately something that should be looked into a bit more. We already have Wolphins and Ligers (bred for their skills and magic). Here's a few more to think about:

1. Giraffe + Camel = Giramel
2. Peacock + Eagle = Peagle
3. Fox + Skunk = Funk
4. Shark + Salmon = Shalmon
5. Chimpanzee + Gonorrhea = Paris Hilton

Imagine some of these creatures! Limited only by your imagination you could be Dr Moreau, but without Val Kilmer's bad acting. The beautiful Peagle, good looking, but a vicious killer, kind of like me. The animal so cool it inspired a musical movement: The Funk. Or the majestic Shalmon, massive and tasty, leaping up waterfalls and eating bears.

Seriously though, genetic experimentation comes at a price. For every Cheetorse (Cheetah-Horse), there is a Slake (Slug-Snake). Not every mutant is useful or amazing. Just look at your TV, any number of talk shows ranging from Jerry Springer to Oprah are right there, providing support and a purpose for failed experiments from all over the world.

RPG Weapon Names

2007-09-20T10:52:00.000Z

If you've ever played an RPG you must have noticed the ridiculous names given to pretty much every weapon. A sword can't just be a sword, it must be a Blinding Sword of Justice, or an Ice Sword of Supreme Uberness. My favourite was a Grand Club of the Badger. It adds to the illusion of the world your playing in, but sometimes it's just stupid.

Here's a few weapon names I'd like to see:

1. The Darth Maul of Untimely Demise
2. The MC Hammer of Badness
3. The Millennium Falchion of Awesome
4. R Kelly's Statutory Rapier
5. The Britney Spear of Disappointment

I've had some serious writer's block over the last few weeks. I was on holiday for two weeks, but it's been a whole month since I've posted, to the day. On top of which I actually missed Talk Like A Pirate Day yesterday, now that was disappointing. Once again I have to say that I'm gonna get back to posting. They may not be good, or long, or regular, but there should at least be more of them.

Zombie Related Media I've Seen

2007-08-20T15:47:00.000Z

A lot of people like Zombies. I was going to say everyone, but I don't think that reanimated rotting corpses are everyone's cup of tea. I think the reason I like the Zombie genre is because it kind of crosses over into the post-apocalyptic genre as well, and I love all that Mad Max type stuff.

I loved all the George Romero films, Night of the Living Dead (He's coming to get you Barbara!), and even his latest Land of the Dead, which a lot of people slated. I especially like the Resident Evil games, battling through destroyed towns and Zombie infestations, always good to play on a dark night. Other than that I've also recently:

1. Read World War Z
2. Watched 'Dawn of the Dead' (The new one)
3. Read 'The Walking Dead' Comic
4. Got excited about 'Left 4 Dead'
5. Love 'Shaun of the Dead'

I like seeing or reading about things which may happen in a zombie invasion, but out of the ordinary. You can get a basic overview from George Romero's films, get somewhere easy to defend, with stores of food and some weapons. World War Z is a view from past the conflict, made up of interviews of survivors from all levels of society. It's interesting to see how governments might react, what tactics the military would come up with, how certain professions or buildings would be used to help the war effort.

The Walking Dead also has some interesting ideas, but the comic is mostly about the human reactions to the situation. Families trying to make it, groups meeting and breaking, it's kind of like a more extreme zombie infested soap opera, with more flesh eating, it's a good read and I'd recommend it.

Nationalities I've Been Mistaken For

2007-08-17T13:17:00.000Z

I've traveled a little in my life, not enough that I'd call myself 'well traveled', but more than the average person. In the course of my travels I've often been mistaken for different nationalities. This is mainly because I'm in that particular country and people just assume I'm from there. It's not that big a deal when the people don't speak the same language as you, as you can't really notice accents unless you speak their language really well, so generally you just shrug, smile and speak louder and slower.

So the times I've been mistaken for being a different nationality, people have guessed that I'm:

1. American
2. Canadian
3. German
4. Irish
5. Australian

The first two were in random countries, with the locals assuming I was from Canada or the US as I spoke English. The third I was actually in Germany and someone started speaking to me in German. Luckily I actually know a little German, so I got him to speak for me (sorry, that was a bad Dad pun). I do actually know some German though so I didn't have to resort to the usual obnoxious foreigner routine.

The final options cropped up while I was taking my year out before going to university. I was working in Canada at the time, in a gas station. I'd just served some random Canadian dude and he looked at me strangely and said 'I like your accent, you Irish?'. I could probably have excused this, but as my accent sounds about as similar to Irish as it does to a seven year old Russian I couldn't help but say 'No, I'm English'. The man shrugged and replied 'Ah well, same thing'. Now in case you don't know, Ireland and England are entirely different countries, sure we talk English, but so does South Africa, it doesn't make us the same. So to demonstrate my point I dangled in front him: 'I guess if your American it sounds pretty similar'. 'I'm Canadian', came the proud reply. As Captain Canuck totally feel for the setup I swooped in with my reply, 'Ah well, same thing'.

Sometimes it's fun being an obnoxious foreigner.

Reasons Why I Hate Big Brother

2007-08-15T09:57:00.000Z

I used to be into Big Brother, not in a big way, and it would always take me some time to get into it. I hated the first few weeks, you watch everyone go in and comment on how annoying they are, and the first night is terrible. Everyone just gets drunk, and you can't hear anyone speaking, it's just noise. Loud drunk people talking over one another, I may as well go down the pub. That's also pretty much what goes on for the first few weeks, everyone is loud, there's too much to follow, as there's too many people.

Once the crowd has thinned out a bit and the most annoying have been booted out the house, getting booed mercilessly by the waiting crowd, that's when I'll get into it. But after the first few years, it got even worse. Now I go out of my way not to watch it, for the following reasons:

1. The pointless 'surprises'
2. The bitching
3. The stupid contestants
4. The fact they all think we care after they've left
5. Charley

Basically in this country the 'contestants' are always picked based on breast size, sexual preference and shock value. So you can expect at least 60% women, 40% gay, 30% freaks and about 75% mental. This guarantees hysterics, relationships, break-ups, cliques and at least 17 bitch fights a day between the incredibly nasty and petty 18-23 year old girls they dig out of the nearest shopping centre.

Above all else this woman is the perfect example of everything I hate about Big Brother. She is, and I quote "A self-proclaimed 'it' girl, Charley likes shopping, money and going clubbing at celebrity hangouts." And her Life Philosophy is: "Celebrity, celebrity, cash, celebrity." She has never had a job and gets her money from her cousin, who plays football in the Premiership in the UK. She the most annoying person I have ever had the misfortune of seeing on TV. Her voice grates on my brain like I just face planted onto a blackboard teeth first. Her personality makes me want to punch through her face and pull out her intestines so I can use them to tie her to a post in the middle of Pete's Rabid Bear Emporium. Thank God she's been evicted, now I can get on with forgetting everything about her, as even her cousin has practically disowned her, after seeing what a terrible excuse for a human she is. All I can say is I'm so glad I've got Bravo now so I can watch Sports Disasters, or When Sports Go Bad so I can see idiots hurt themselves instead.

Reasons The Wench Is Awesome

2007-08-07T14:46:00.000Z

I give the Wench a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in my whiny way where I whine and sound all whiny. Then whine. But she's been really good to me recently, and when I say recently I mean since I've known her. Although she has put in real effort in the last few weeks as I've been working late a lot and not exactly jumping with energy when I've gotten home. She picks me up from the station already, but now she's got a smile on her face.

Basically I don't think I give her enough praise (not that she gives me any), but I complain a lot as well, as I just demonstrated. Anyway, here's 5 reasons why she's awesome:

1. She always talks to anyone.
2. She's always up for getting wasted.
3. She's watched more of my porn than I have.
4. She's just as lazy as I am, which means she can't bug me about being lazy.
5. She's Hot.

I think the first point is very important. The Wench talks, she talks a lot, to anyone who will listen. And most of the time they do want to listen. When I first met her family all I got asked was 'How do you put up with her?', to which I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled, as I don't talk. At all. It seems a bit of a weird combination, but it kind of works. An example of why this is great comes from last week, where we went for a night out in Loughborough. There's now a smoking ban in the UK, which means if you smoke you have to do it outside of bars and clubs. We went for a fag and immediately made friends with the group standing next to us, and ended up exchanging high fives with them for the rest of the night (The Wench is on a mission to bring back the high five). This may seem insignificant as we were all drunk, but she can do this ANYWHERE. It's like a mutant superpower, she can just get anyone to like her and start talking. I used to get worried going out with her to a pub as she'd spend ages going to the bar or toilet as she'd immediately make 3 new friends on the way.

The last point The Wench will undoubtedly disagree with me on, but as a shallow male I have to say it's rather an important point. She is hot, and I feel I should tell everyone, her included, that she is hot. And that I like to do her, all the time, as much as possible.

Reasons I Haven't Been Posting

2007-07-19T09:51:00.000Z

I have been sehr, sehr busy at work these last couple of weeks (months?). We've been working on a new web site which is absolutely massive. It's the biggest site our company has ever had to produce and we've had about 3 months to do it. We're pretty much into testing and back end stuff right now, but it's debatable whether or not we're going to hit our August deadline.

I was going to say that my post rate is going to increase and hopefully I'll get back to where I was posting a few times a week, but it's doubtful that'll happen for at least another few more weeks. In the meantime this is what's keeping me busy:

1. The new site project
2. Laziness
3. Commuting
4. Maintaining all our websites
5. Trying to relax while at home

The most annoying thing at the moment is that combining my commute and my commitments at home, and spending time with the Wench means I have very little time to myself. Everyone needs some alone time and I don't really get any to myself. I'm a gamer who doesn't game, a film nerd who can't watch films and apparently a blogger, despite my recent absence.

But it hasn't all been bad news. I recently got a promotion, meaning I can start to dig myself out of our numerous debts, and possibly get a decent car. We've also finally gotten our Sky+ (this is like a British version of TIVO), which will help with my film nerd dreams as I now get to record whatever I want to watch, so I don't have to watch crap like Holby City, Property Ladder, or the soul sapping, migraine inducing, bowel relaxing, intelligence lowering, horror laden, retard infested abomination that is Big Brother.

Reasons I'm Glad To Be Home

2007-06-12T16:18:00.000Z

As fun as Download Festival is every year, it's always great to get home. I enjoy camping quite a bit, but at a festival it's not quite the same. You don't have as much room, you don't have ready access to your car (it's a 50 minute walk away), the toilets are always far away and they stink. And if you want a shower you have to wait hours for it.

The camping is something to be endured, not enjoyed. No one enjoys camping at a festival. The only good thing about camping is... hang on... I'll think of something... It's doesn't take as long to get into the arena the next day! Ha! I knew I could think of some reason! Now for 5 reasons why I'm glad to be home:

1. My living quarters are no longer a tent
2. There is a supermarket just down the road
3. I don't have to walk everywhere
4. I can have a shower/wash whenever I want
5. I have immediate access to a toilet

For days my bathroom has been a pack of wet wipes, my kitchen a camping stove and a bag of various cans (all the labels got ripped off the first night), my toilet the camp fence (or a 10 minute walk to an indescribable hell) and my changing room an oven temperature tent. Waking up every morning with a hangover really didn't help.

Needless to say I'm glad to be back, despite the sun and boozing. After an hour long shower where my skin changed colour 4 times I felt refreshed and clean, hungry and a little sad. Sure the camping experience is just a small step from being a refugee, but refugees don't have a bunch of awesome bands to rock out to everyday. Although nor do they have to pay for the privilege.

Bands At The Download Festival 2007

2007-06-06T15:12:00.000Z

I'm off to the Download Festival again this year. I'm leaving in about 30mins actually. The Wench's brother (let's call him Bitch for now) is already there, with his tent set up and waiting for us. This year Bitch supplied the tent, a £100 10-man mansion, for just 4 people: Me, the Wench, Bitch and his band mate Spider (not his real name, but he is a drummer).

I'm currently waiting to leave, I've got half an hour. the last 3 days have been the slowest of my life! I've been looking forward to the music I've got to listen to, alcohol to drink, fields to pass out in and all the rest. Here's who I'm looking forward to seeing:

1. Wolfmother
2. Korn
3. Iron Maiden
4. Marilyn Manson
5. Linkin Park

Of course they're not the only bands there I'll see. I'll also watch Mastodon, Megadeth, Slayer, Lamb of God and many other wholesome and family friendly bands. Last year was a great festival, hot, sunny, lots of friends, good music and women giving away free Snickers Ice Creams. I hope this year lives up to it. Even though the music isn't as good, and the weather is likely to be cloudy and not as many people I know are going, I'm sure I'll struggle through.

What am I talking about? It's going to be awesome, or off the hook as the kids say nowadays. I've got 4 litres of vodka for me and the Wench to get through, and a whole lot more which should add to the weekend as well. The Red Bull X-Fighters are there this year as well, hopefully brightening my day with some comedy crashes as they've stolen the only piece of shade in the entire arena. If I blister in the sun the least you could do is fall of your bike midway through a Superman Backflip to make me feel better.

Stupid Long Words

2007-06-01T11:10:00.001Z

I hate government or military speak. It's the kind of talking where the speaker could say what they wanted to much simpler, but decides to throw in a bunch of big and possibly made up words. This makes the speaker feel big and clever, and the ordinary person listening think he's a giant cock. Generally I see people who use words like this as condescending fucktards.

I don't do this that much as I often run out of big fancy words and end up repeating myself, saying the wrong word or just making up my own words, like George Bush (but on a good day, with a slow autocue that's spelt phonetically). A few examples of words like these are below:

1. Irregardless
2. Pejorative
3. Obfuscate
4. Egregious
5. Behooves

I am aware that irregardless isn't actually a word, but it is used rather a lot considering. In fact irregardless is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. It's a word that ~~is nonsensical~~ sorry, I mean, makes no sense, but people still use it to try and sound clever, they probably heard someone say it on TV. Or just tried to make a smaller word larger to sound more impressive.

To be honest I've only ever really heard these words from TV. Like speeches on the news, or in films where a drill instructor is trying to be intelligent, or an officer is talking to his grunts. I first heard behooves in Tigerland, and then on the news in Iraq. It's not capacious, and it's not sagacious, and you won't cogitate that I'm more perspicacious than I really am because I used a thesaurus.

Things I learned about Spain

2007-05-30T11:08:00.000Z

It's been about 3 weeks since I last posted. I do have an excuse for a large part of that time, as I was away on holiday in Spain, visiting some of the Wench's family (she's not Spanish, they just live there). Since returning we've had a bank holiday in the UK, so that's even more time off. In fact I've only worked a few days in 3 weeks, and been pretty busy while at work.

Anyway, I'm back now (for a few days at least) and ready to tell you the truth about Spain. I'd gathered that the Spanish are fairly lazy, what with their siestas and the building site that is their country. There's also a lot that I'd been told that had misled me about Spain, but on the other hand some of what I'd been told was totally correct:

1. It's not as cheap as I previously assumed.
2. Young Spaniards have a death wish when driving bikes or quads.
3. The food is as good as you've heard.
4. It's not as warm as everyone says.
5. It's an entertaining drive back to the airport.

During my time in Spain the Wench's parents paid for most of it. Put it this way, we spent £36 for the whole trip. And I'm glad we weren't paying, because it's not as cheap as everyone says! But the food is worth what you pay for it. I loved everything I ate on that holiday, even the lead paint had a nice tang. The weather however, was supposed to be excruciatingly hot. During our time there, the UK had much better weather than we did. The six hour storm on the final night was impressive, but not quite what I was expecting.

I was designated driver on the trip, with the Wench, her brother and step-brother sharing the car. I nearly killed 3 Spaniards over the holiday, all on dirt bikes or quads, driving at ridiculous speeds in the middle of the road. After listening to the kids of the village roar up and down the main street all night I decided if I did actually hit one of them coming round a corner, I'd probably just laugh at his broken skull poking through my windscreen.

On the final night the four of us that had been sharing the car went on a mission to get wasted. We succeeded admirably, with the Wench's step brother throwing up over the balcony before bed and again the next morning. As we were up in the mountains it was a 45 minute drive to the motorway through winding roads up and down steep inclines, ideal for any hangover. It took 5 minutes till the first passenger was sick (the Wench's step-brother), followed by another (the Wench's brother). The two of them then went into full puke overload, going continuously till we hit the coast. This meant I couldn't use my wing mirrors or else I'd be sick, getting a prime view of them hurling from the windows. It was like they were egging each other on, setting each other off again and again. I had puking in surround sound. 'Vodka' became a magic word, capable of inducing vomiting even by whispering it. The outside of the car was in quite a state by the time we reached the airport, so we threw the key to the hire car across the desk and ran. Luckily it wasn't in our name.

Reasons To Hate David Caruso

2007-05-08T16:28:00.000Z

Oh, David Caruso, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. It's been a long relationship, for many seasons of CSI:Miami I didn't realise what you were doing. It didn't occur to me to actually pay attention to you. I was blinded by the greatness of the Vegas series, and eventually the New York incarnation.

I can remember the exact moment it happened. It was like a switch being flicked in my head. I thought to myself: "You're SHIT!!". The next thing I know I recognised every cheesy line, every time you moved your glasses, your hero complex, and finally the fact that you're ONLY A CSI. You're not in SWAT, you shouldn't clear a house on your own, or lead in a team of heavily armed and armoured policemen into a criminal's home. You should be sitting outside, with the other CSIs, waiting for the scene to be cleared. You're a twat, and it's time people knew.

1. Now watch this video...
2. ...and again...
3. ...and again...
4. ...and again...
5. ...and again!!!

Does that not just grate on every nerve? Does his smug, ginger face not make you want to go to work on him with a blowtorch, cordless drill and 10Kg bag of salt? His acting is like a toddler pretending to cry. He even uses his 'acting voice' like small children in school plays, who think they have to show that they're acting. If you could see my hatred for David Caruso, it would drive you insane, like seeing all of existence in a single blink.

By now you should all understand. After watching that video there is not a person alive who should still be on his side. Even Jim Carey realises it! That's right. If your not with us, your against us, and you will be dealt with in exactly the same way that he will be. Once we're done with him, we can go after Jerry Bruckheimer. Some of his films really get on my tits.

Words That Are Hard To Rhyme

2007-05-04T13:32:00.000Z

OK, so yesterday, despite my immense intellect, I thought it was Friday, perhaps my arch nemesis was using some kind of mind control to depress me when I discovered the truth. He will pay for this...

Anyway, as a master wordsmith and giant of the literary world, I often spend my time lounging in green meadows, vast oak branches spreading over my head like Oberon's crown, the raging torrent of my imagination bursting it's banks onto the notebook in my hand. I can write some mean gangster rap in those conditions, I tell thee. But even a rhymasaurus with a flow as fresh as mine has trouble with a few words:

1. Film
2. Orange
3. Month
4. Purple
5. Silver

I'm sick like a leper,
I'll make your brain burn, like you just snorted pepper.
I got scary rhymes like Edgar Allan Poe,
I make The Raven seem like a doe.
This flow feels atrocious,
like a small child acting precocious.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Yeah, yeah, what, uh-huh, yeah, dika-dika, yeah...

See you never know when I'll just drop a fresh bomb on your ass like that. I'm loco. Uncontrolable, you better step off, don't be getting up in my grill. Damn this street talk is exhausting, and hard to use to get a point across. Know what I'm saying? Word.

Redundant Phrases

2007-05-03T10:41:00.000Z

Must post something! It's getting towards the end of the week and I've been really busy. Work is finally become pretty demanding, so I'm trying to find time to come up with a post every now and then.

I'm not a Grammar Nazi. Most of the time I capitalize the wrong words, my punctuation needs a lot of work (what's a colon?), my spelling has deteriorated since spell check arrived. However I still get OCD about certain things. I hate redundancy. Here's my Top 5 redundant phrases:

1. Twelve noon
2. Advance warning
3. Cash money
4. Free gift
5. Exact same

There are a lot more redundant things in speech that annoy me. Like PIN number, or ATM machine. The word is in the abbreviation, it's not a personal identification number number is it? I think this stems from my laziness. I'm all about efficiency. If something is extra effort then I don't bother with it and it annoys me that other people wouldn't take the easier option.

This may sound petty, and it is, but I like making things easier for people. Automation is your friend, simplicity is your fuck buddy. I'd rather spend 15 minutes creating something to make a job easier than just jumping into something that's going to be long and hard. On the other hand I'm also a pretty big hypocrite, but I guess that's all part of being lazy as well.

Shotgun Rules

2007-04-27T09:45:00.000Z

Calling Shotgun is an ancient tradition, going back many decades to those pirate wannabes, the Cowboys. Back in the famous Cowboy Era people used to travel around by wagons and the person sitting next to the driver would carry a shotgun. The shotgun was mainly for show, as no one would be stupid enough to attack a Cowboy, and the mythical 'Indians' have since been debunked as Yankee propaganda.

Since then the practice has extended to cars, with the rules of Shotgun becoming loosely defined. A lot of House Rules have been created over time, with many regional variations and changes being applied. Here are what I consider to be some of the most important Shotgun Rules:

1. Shotgun can only be called when in sight of the car.
2. If two people call shotgun at the same time, whoever reaches the car first wins.
3. Shotgun can only be called if you are on the way to the car.
4. Shotgun can be called for all seats in the car, so the last person to call Shotgun gets the Bitch Seat (middle seat).
5. Women can't call Shotgun.

Most of these rules were picked up or originated while I was at university. Before that neither me nor any of my friends really had cars, so the topic never came up. But at uni there were lots of lifts given to groups of mates, so some kind of system needed to be enforced. Rule #3 was important as calling Shotgun became ridiculous: before an event was even announced, weeks in advance or before someone even had a car. Rule #4 originated as no one ever wanted to sit in the Bitch Seat.

The most important rule is rule #5. Girls seemed unable to grasp the intricacies of calling Shotgun, they were constantly losing Shotgun rights because of poor choices of music, breaking calling rules and sulking when they lost the race to the car. To solve this problem it was decided that girls should lose the right to call Shotgun. Don't look at me like that, they had their chance. They can still vote, what more do you want?

Types of Crap

2007-04-26T10:13:00.000Z

That's right, a new low. I will today be discussing the many different types of shit people take. I feel that this a much ignored topic, even by blokes. Men tend to make comments when they come back from the toilet, but full on dump orientated conversations are fairly rare.

To start things off, here's a few definition's that I've come across during those rare moments when the topic of releasing the chocolate hostage arises:

1. The Ghost - You've pinched off a loaf, but when you go to wipe, there's nothing there.
2. The Neverending - No matter how many times you wipe, there's still more poop to remove.
3. The Shotgun - It comes out so quick with a bit of gas, leading to a lovely pebbledash effect on the bowl.
4. The Ring Burn - After eating spicy food, mainly curries, you get a nasty burn around your balloon knot.
5. The Guinness - The nastiest, blackest, most foul smelling turd made by man or beast.

Of course there's plenty more out there such as The Train, The Behemoth, and The Rollercoaster to name a few. A few friends of mine at university had a tally running in the toilet of their shared house. Every time someone went to drop the kids off at the pool you had to mark how it went on the chart. The chart was conveniently located on the back of the toilet door, with a pen taped to it.

The Guinness is an oft overlooked style of butt fudge. I became aware of it in the worst possible way I could imagine. The Wench's Dad was getting remarried, and I went on his stag night. During the course of the night out of sixteen of us, fifteen were drinking Guinness all night. We were all sleeping in the same house, sharing the same toilet. It was my bad luck to be one of the last to use the toilet the next morning. By that point the smell had become a living thing, solid and angry, looking for a way to take revenge for the abomination it had become. They found me unconscious in the hallway, after I'd managed to escape it I'd blacked out. Sometimes at night I can still hear the screaming...

Commercials I Hate

2007-04-25T10:34:00.000Z

Adverts can be great, but the vast majority suck like MySpace: badly. Adverts can bring you down in the middle of a good program, or film. I can't wait to get Sky+ (England's version of Tivo) so I don't have to watch adverts anymore. Most of the good ones you get to see on YouTube anyway. In fact YouTube has become quite a good trial for a commercial, if it's good, it'll be passed around, like a drunk cheerleader at a frat party.

Bad adverts are boring, uninspired, stupid, badly produced, acted or dubbed. Here's a few of the adverts I've found illustrating a few of these points, or they just grind my gears:

1. Toyota Yaris
2. Get Unhooked (Anti-smoking)
3. HI! I'M BARRY SCOTT!! (Cilit Bang) - Remixed version! <-- Funny stuff
4. Orange Mobile Phones
5. Frosties

The Orange advert is clever, but is on all day. In my office there are TVs all over the place, and I hear this advert every 10mins. I'm on the verge of putting my head through the next screen on which this advert appears.

The Frosties advert is quite possibly the most annoying thing since the french. It's very well known in the UK, I'm not sure if it's in the US. It was played so much I developed a twitch every time it came on the TV. Over here it became so annoying a radio DJ started a rumour that the kid had killed himself because he'd been bullied so much due to the advert. It's kind of an urban legend now, despite the DJ telling everyone he's really alive and well a large number of people still think he's dead.

This redeems my faith that not everyone in advertising is as cripplingly retarded as a brain damaged chimp on acid.

Ways To Pay Your Rent

2007-04-19T16:25:00.000Z

I've never had that much of a problem paying my rent. I know it's a common complaint amongst students and the like, but I was lucky enough to get help in that department. While I was at university my parents covered my rent for me for the first two years while I was in halls. My third year I was working 'in the industry', and the in the final year I was supposed to have saved enough money to pay it myself. Since then I've been working and it's not really been a problem.

So from my experience, and that of some of my less fortunate friends, here's my Top 5 ways to pay your rent:

1. Don't
2. Perform 'favours' for your landlord
3. Sell your computer
4. Get the Devil to pay it by challenging him to an elaborate Rock Off
5. Direct Debit

That's right, No.1 was 'Don't'. While this may seem like a stupid suggestion you'd be surprised how often this works. A mate of mine got away with nearly 8 months rent simply by not paying. Of course you need a landlord who is either stupid, lazy or threatened enough by you he is afraid to bring it up.

I've also had mates perform 'favours' in exchange for a months rent. Most of these 'favours' were in the form of 'work', where my friend would have to 'service' the landlord's 'equipment' using various 'skills' he had 'picked up' during his time at university. I don't know why I put all those quote marks in there, it was perfectly innocent. He just sorted out computer stuff for her every know and then. Oh yeah, and they were boning.

Spartans

2007-04-17T16:15:00.000Z

So over two weeks after I said I was going to see 300 I finally managed to drag the Wench to the cinema to see it on The Big Screen. It was definitely worth the effort. The only thing I can think though is that it's probably not going to be as good the second time round. Sure it's impressive, the visuals are stunning, and everything looks just like a moving comic book, but other than all the dudes with rippling muscles killing hundreds of masked samurai-esque warriors what are you going to concentrate on now you know what's coming? What am I talking about? It was AWESOME!!

In honour of the magnificence that was 300 I give you my Top 5 Spartans:

1. Michigan State Spartans
2. John Spartan
3. Master Chief
4. Kratos
5. King Leonidas

The Spartans were apparently the finest soldiers the world has ever produced. What happened to them? If they were that great they can't have been annihilated. Maybe they moved. Or maybe, like those other highly evolved killers of long ago, the dinosaurs, they evolved into something else?* Yeah, maybe they just got so good at killing people and being the ultimate soldiers that they evolved into ninjas. Then they all disappeared, never to be heard from again, only to be remembered for their past deeds before they moved on to a higher plane of existence.

*Note: I think this is crap, the dinosaurs were killed off by a time-travelling idiot with the flu.

Ways To Resolve An Argument

2007-04-12T11:25:00.000Z

At last, I drag together enough time and inspiration to squeeze out another post. It's been a long time coming but don't get too over excited.

I've seen a lot of arguments recently, I've not participated in many, but I've witnessed quite a few. Arguments in modern times seem to quickly dissolve into shouting matches, with all sides deciding they'll win if they repeat themselves the most at the highest volume. Well this may work for dogs and retards, but civilised human beings should use one of these less violent and noisy alternatives:

1. Each side can put forth a well thought out and coherent argument, before hearing the next participants viewpoint, then decide on a course of action, possibly a compromise to the benefit of all parties.
2. Flip a coin
3. Rock, Paper, Scissors
4. Russian Roulette
5. Fight to the death

Personally I find a flip of the coin works quite well. Sure it doesn't always work, but if your bad at presenting your point then winning half your arguments, even against superior ~~debaters~~ arguers is a pretty good win/loss ratio.

As a solution to arguments I think that quite often fighting to the death is neglected as a possible alternative. In a better time gentlemen would challenge each other to duels in order to settle a quarrel, not stand about in the street in the middle of the night, yelling incomprehensible babble at each other until one side wonders off, is hit by a car, or falls asleep. I'm a firm believer in letting whoever is the finest swordsman or greatest shot win an argument. Even in the future we know that inevitably all disputes will be decided in the Thunderdome, just as they were hundreds of years ago. Two men enter, one man leaves! Two men enter, one man leaves!

Things That Annoy The Wench About Our Neighbours

2007-04-04T13:46:00.000Z

We've been in our ~~flat~~ apartment for just over a year now, I think, and during that time we were mostly neighbourless. The apartment to one side was occupied briefly, but the owner was hardly ever home, for months at a time, and she's just sold the place. The apartment on our other side was put up for rent, and only recently did anyone move in. We had grown accustomed to being alone and quiet in our corner of the building. Then Slammy McDoor-Swinger moved in next door.

Here's the top 5 things that make the Wench pray for a small localised holocaust and/or nuclear blast:

1. They're not particularly friendly
2. They don't turn off the hallway light.
3. They don't lock the hallway door.
4. They slam their doors.
5. They park halfway in our parking space.

These may seem like small petty things, and they are, but they really get on the Wench's nerves. Only the parking really annoys me, as we only have one space (which we own), the car park is always pretty full and they're taking up two.

Over the weekend the Wench discovered that when someone buzzes our neighbours' intercom, we can pick up the phone as well. So she was listening to their conversation and then whispered into the phone, "Helloo...". Apparently they both stopped talking and got a bit freaked out. So I guess that's the Wench's plan to get rid of them, scare them and either convince them that a) this one year old building is haunted, or b) we're mental enough that they want to leave.

Reasons I Think I'm Getting Old

2007-03-29T12:45:00.000Z

It's sad that I think I'm getting old. I'm only 24 for God's sake. I still have nearly 40 years left till I retire! That's an even more depressing thought, as I have that long left to work. I'm not even middle aged yet. I'm not even late twenties, I'm still in my mid-twenties.

So for a change I'm going to whine for a bit and then decide on exactly what makes me feel old. Here's what I have so far:

1. I dream about doing nothing.
2. I know what nostalgia is.
3. I get irritated at my neighbours' loud music.
4. I ache after exercise.
5. My 25th birthday is this Sunday.

After reading my list I've decided I'm no longer going to lay about and feel old, instead I will do exercise, play games and get drunk. And then feel old. The truth is I don't really think I've changed all that much. I'm not as active as I used to be, but I used to be forced to do that stuff, I never had the inclination to do it on my own. I still want the same things, listen to the same types of music, watch the same types of films etc. My free time is the only thing that lets me down, and makes me feel behind. I can't keep up with books, films and music like I did when I had nothing else to do.

So it's not that I feel old, as in ancient, elderly or archaic (thanks thesaurus.com!), instead I feel that I'm growing up, becoming more mature, and hence out of touch with the cool kids on The Street. I should feel better having realised this, but instead I just miss having time to do everything I wanted to. Well I'm making time to go and see 300 tonight, that's a start!

Ways To Stay Awake At Work

2007-03-27T15:21:00.000Z

Being knackered at work is a pretty big problem for quite a few people. Recently I've been having trouble as I don't have work that is that interesting, so I have to try and keep myself awake. Normal people just drink coffee, but if I did that I'd be sick all over my desk, because I'd rather grate my nut sack than drink coffee. Generally I don't have hot drinks at all.

Luckily my workplace is rather lax. Not quite slumped over my desk with my head on my arms relaxed, but I've got pretty much free reign over what I do during the work day, as long as my work gets done. I've since come up with these ideas:

1. Listen to music
2. Watch some TV
3. Drink something cold
4. Try and find some more interesting work
5. Don't eat carbohydrates at lunch

Occasionally during the day I'll take breaks to watch crap on YouTube, or just on TV. I listen to music while I'm working, Pandora is excellent for this. Every now and then I'll request some more work, or pick up some of the jobs floating around to give myself a change of pace and topic. Something to prevent my brain slowly shutting down until I'm typing gibberish with my eyes closed.

The main reason I fall asleep is my sandwiches at lunch. Who would've though that a simple ham sandwich could be a threat to my job? Basically the sandwiches give me a carb crash so sudden and massive the Sandman himself would stand back in awe and watch a true master at work. Bizarrely enough I started this post hours ago, I have been fighting off sleep ever since so I haven't been able to finish it until now.

Things That Make You An Asshole - Commuting Edition

2007-03-23T10:36:00.000Z

I have to commute to work, I'm sure I've mentioned this before a few times. I have to take the train, and I pay about £1800, about $3500. For that sort of money I should be getting free meals and a bed on my train. However most of the time I manage to get a seat, and that's good enough for me, as I either read, sleep or play on my DS.

Most of the people I travel with are nice enough, they are courteous and polite, we apologise to one another if we get in each others way, or say thank you if they let us pass. But there's always a few oxygen thieves around who make commuting even more tiresome. Here are the top 5 things that make you an asshole commuter:

1. Standing on the left of the escalator.
2. Stopping suddenly in the middle of the flow of commuters.
3. Not moving into the train so more people can get on.
4. Complaining loudly about nothing.
5. Standing in front of the train doors.

On the way to work these things are barely noticed through my blurry and semi-comatose morning haze. I stumble on to the train and claim a seat, throwing my bag into the overhead storage and sitting down as quickly as I can. I then either slip back into unconsciousness and drool over myself for half an hour, or try and do something active to stir my brain from a porridge-like mess into an effervescent bowl of coke and pop rocks.

By the time it comes to getting home again I'm tired and irritable. The people in my way are no longer ignored, they're infuriating. The ancient crone complaining has a voice like cutlery scraping on glass, instead of the dull muttering of this morning. The final straw is the idiot trying to force his way past me as I'm getting off the train at home, generally he just ends up back on the platform again as everyone exits the train. I fail to see the point of trying to get on the train while people are getting off, it's like a salmon swimming up a waterfall. Sure you'll get there eventually, but then your just going to lay your eggs and die. Wait... what?

Comedy Shows Right Now

2007-03-16T12:30:00.000Z

The Wench is currently on a bit of a comedy bender. Pretty much everything we watch has to be funny. I can see where she's coming from, our year has started badly so far and getting a bit of a laugh is what we need. Laughter is pretty therapeutic, and it's nice to have a chuckle every now and then. It has limited our viewing options quite a bit though, and my stack of DVDs to watch has steadily grown as we're never in the mood.

Here's our current top 5 shows we watch to lighten our moods of an evening:

1. Futurama
2. Family Guy
3. Robot Chicken
4. American Dad
5. Drawn Together

Nothing quite cheers me up like a bit of inappropriate humour, which American Dad, Robot Chicken and Drawn Together can all deliver in spades. I love it when nothing is sacred and absolutely anything can be used for a joke, because it's not like anyone can complain if they're picking on everyone. Blacks, whites, gays, jocks, fatties, twiglets, no matter your race, class, sexuality, handicap or lifestyle your likely to be a target at some point.

Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable for me and the Wench, as you inevitably create little in-jokes amongst yourselves which people don't get if they haven't seen the show. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but if the joke is a little inappropriate, you get strange looks. Hopefully, like in our case, after you explain yourself your friends are forgiving enough to overlook a comment about horribly penising someone.

Pieces of Excercise Equipment I Own

2007-03-14T17:11:00.000Z

You know when you think "If I bought gym equipment so I could exercise at home, I wouldn't need to go to a gym"? A clever person then realises that if your not going to a gym the chances of you doing exercise are less than your chances of surviving a raptor attack. I've had a few of these moments, and by my own metaphor, I would be a bloody lump of bones, being picked through by prehistoric scavengers.

In my attempts to lower my gym bills I have purchased a number of pieces of fitness equipment. I've used a few of them, but most of the time they just lean against the wall, taking up much needed living space. A few times I've not even assembled the equipment. Here's my top 5:

1. A Powerball - Used 3 times in a year.
2. A Rowing Machine - Used quite a bit in the first 2 years, once or twice in the 2 years since.
3. Free Weights - Used quite a bit for six months, once or twice in the 3 years since.
4. A Weight Bench - Never been used.
5. Cross Trainer - Bought 2 weeks ago, not been used yet.

And I keep buying more stuff! If I actually used any of this kit I'd be pretty buff, unfortunately that's not really the case. The last thing I used was some Tae-Bo DVDs, which are pretty good by the way, but that was about 2 months ago. I'll buy something thinking this will be the thing to trigger me off, then I will suddenly become a fitness obsessed machine, my weight will disappear and within a week I will have the body of a Mediterranean speedo model. This almost never happens.

I'm just to lazy too keep it up. I bought my weight bench to go with my weights, which already had a great layer of dust on. The bench sat assembled for 6 months. Then in a fit of energy I assembled the bench. Now it has stood against the wall for a further 4 months unused. The cross trainer we bought 2 weeks ago from a friend has been unused for 2 weeks, except when the Wench used it for 10 minutes one morning. I swear one of these days I will get up off my lazy ass and do some exercise! I can even watch TV when I'm using most of the kit, and I've spent enough money on it all!

Quotes: A Film Quote Quiz

2007-03-08T11:39:00.000Z

When I was at boarding school I was the only kid there who had a video player, and a decent collection of videos as well. I was at school at around the time DVDs were coming out, so there were a lot of sales on at the time, and my video collection was pretty large. Unfortunately since then my video player has died so I now have to try and replace them all.

Anyway, we used to say a lot of lines from the films we watched, and I was known for being able to name the films they were from. Here's 5 to test your film knowledge:

1. "I hope I give you the shits, you fucking wimp."
2. "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY."
3. "You want to be a big cop in a small town, fuck off to the Model Village."
4. "You can put a cat in an oven, but that don't make it a biscuit."
5. "What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong"

I'm not sure many will get number 3, as it's a new film and I don't know if it's been released in the US yet. The rest are out on DVD, so you've got a fair chance of getting them.

I'm a bit of a dork at heart, not a geek or a nerd, well maybe a little bit. There is a fine line between the two. It seems that dorks are a bit more socially active, so they're allowed their geeky habits, they have friends and girlfriends. My main interests include movies and videogames, and I'm a programmer by trade, but I also have quite a few friends and get out a lot, making me an acceptable geek, or a dork. The Wench was horrified to find out I considered myself a bit geeky. I am a bit of geek though, look, I'm writing in my blog.

Reasons to quit smoking

2007-03-07T12:27:00.000Z

I am a smoker. I'm a bit of a rubbish smoker as well. I only really smoke when the Wench smokes, and she's been smoking since she was 4, or something like that. I only smoke a lot when I'm drinking, and it's when I'm drinking I really get the urge to smoke as well.

I keep trying to give the Wench reasons to quit, but they never work, and I'm too lazy to quit if she keeps on doing it, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle, as I could be leading by example. Here are some of the reasons I've given her to quit:

1. It's expensive
2. It smells
3. Wheezing/coughing/general unhealthiness
4. Lung cancer
5. There are NO benefits

The weird thing is there are NO BENEFITS to smoking. Yet it's such a popular habit. People claim it relaxes you. The only time having a cigarette has relaxed me was when I hadn't had one for 2 days and my body was craving the nicotine. It's only relaxing if your addicted and jonesing for a hit. On the other hand it has some monstrous negatives, listing death as one of it's main downsides.

Why do people start smoking? It tastes terrible to begin with. I can't get the Wench to give me a proper reason as to why she started. As far as I can figure it her friend started and she thought it was cool. And it is. It is cool to smoke. But she won't admit it. I started smoking because I thought it was cool, and so did a lot of people I know. It made you look older, feel more grown up and kids looked up to you. Look at all the movies, all the cool characters smoked: James Bond, Fonzie and Bender to name a few. But I really should quit now, look what happened to Darth Vader.

Soppiest Teen Drama

2007-02-28T17:24:00.000Z

There's a distinct lack of decent TV around for all times of the day, and prime time TV is where the good shits at. But sometimes the decent slots are filled with rubbish. Like reality TV, which I despise and would gladly use one of my three magic wishes to destroy, along with everyone who has ever appeared in one.

But 'Teen Dramas' also twist my nipples. Most of these shows are incredibly popular, and below are listed my top 5 soppiest:

1. Beverley Hills, 90210
2. Party of Five
3. One Tree Hill
4. The OC
5. Dawson's Creek

A major reason I don't like these shows is because of the terrible storylines brought about by teenage angst. Luckily I was never an angsty teenager, mostly because I liked my parents, I went to boarding school and I was getting some. So the fact that these rich kids in nice houses and ideal lives were getting in such trouble just seemed so ridiculous.

I once made the mistake of watching a few of these shows, until I realised that I couldn't actually understand a single thing anyone said, all the actors are in their late 20s and my life was nothing like theirs. A series can really lose it's appeal once you've come to terms with these facts. No matter how many witty pop references, or deconstructions of teenage life in America, or whatever, you put in the show, you have to remember that your aiming at a young audience and they just won't understand what 'I just think our emerging hormones are destined to alter our relationship and I'm trying to limit the fallout' means. I mean come on, who talks like that? Especially at 15.

Reasons not to have a Mobile Phone

2007-02-26T12:00:00.000Z

I've had a mobile phone for about 9 years. At first I had a pay as you go phone, but I never had the money to put more credit on it, and my parents wouldn't pay for it as I didn't call them, and they could still call me.

Eventually I had to pay for my own phone, and in order to get a decent one I had to get a contract, otherwise the phones were too expensive. Over the years my contracts have become gradually more and more expensive as I always want a new phone. My top five reasons not to own a mobile are:

1. I can never be bothered to change any of the default settings.
2. The games are rubbish.
3. I hate the annoying ringtones.
4. It costs a small fortune.
5. People can get hold of you anywhere.

I don't know why a phone maker hasn't decided to make JUST A PHONE. The best phone I ever owned was smaller than a RAZR, and it worked wonderfully. Since then I've had phones that take pictures (badly), let you play crap games (badly), let you record videos (badly) and listen to music (badly). Of course I'm the only person I can blame, after all I already own a camera, a nintendo DS, a video camera and an MP3 player. No one ever forced me to buy a piece of technology which does several jobs badly, even the one you bought it for, kind of like a retarded handy man.

It's the male desire to always have the newest and the best, the latest gadget on the street, to be the coolest and have something to show your mates. Even though you've already shown them all your other gadgets, which specialise in all the jobs your new phone does so terribly, and they don't play a soul shatteringly shite version of some already crap tune like 'My Humps' when someone calls you.

Names for Breasts

2007-02-22T14:06:00.000Z

I consider myself a breast man. Some people like asses (I'm partial to a fine ass myself), some people like feet, or legs, or stomachs, but I've always been a boob man, and I think I always will be. Ever since I first discovered Page 3 in the Sun (NSFW) as a kid, I have been fascinated with the upper abdominal area of the females of the species.

I'm obviously not alone in my admiration of the mammaries as there are a huge number of names for these beautiful and elusive organs. Here's my Top 5:

1. The Twins/The Girls
2. Fun Bags
3. Sweater Pets
4. Puppies
5. Chesticles

As far as I'm concerned, puppies are a completely different species of breast, it's like what most boobs want to look like when they grow up. It's the type of boobs which are natural (or the result of a very good jaunt in hospital), where the breast is very round in shape, perky, with the nipples pointing directly forward. Kind of like when a woman squeezes her tits together and leans forward... Sorry, I drifted off there for a second.

While the above is a fine list, it only scratches the surface of the vast array of complimentary and derogatory names that men have dreamed up over the years for a woman's most glorious asset. Here's a few more: Gazongas, tatas, honkers, dirty pillows, mellons, jugs, tits, snugglepups, knockers, hooters, cans, boobs, norks, rack, baps, jubblies, zeppelins, bust and eyes. I wonder how many misled hits this post will get?

Song Covers I Love

2007-02-21T15:50:00.000Z

Continuing the musical theme of the last couple of posts here are some excellent cover versions. This is where I get to be the hypocrite, as I believe most of these have been released as singles, if not all of them. However they were all done differently to the original version, as far as I am aware, the only one I'm not sure on is Jeff Buckley, as I've never heard the original version.

All of the songs except for the Marilyn Manson one are slower and, it seems to me at least, a lot sadder. They seem to get a lot more of the emotion of the song. That's probably because their is barely any accompaniment, and the lyrics can be interpreted in that way.

1. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
2. Mad World - Gary Jules
3. Johnny Cash - Hurt
4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
5. Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

While these are great songs, and great versions, they do still get on my nerves sometimes. Well it's not that they get on my nerves, it's that they get overused. If you watch any series on TV, if they're having one of those 'My partner just died, how am I going to tell his wife' cop moments, or a 'My girlfriend has cheated on me with my best friend, and she's the love of my life, how can I forgive her?' whiny teenage moment, or a 'The world has gone crazy!' slow motion montage of horrible atrocities from all over the rash covered, pimply ass of the world, the slow, sad, moving song they choose to play over the top, always seems to be one of the first 3 songs in the list.

Cheer up you sad Fucks. I'm sure there's another song about that can convey the appropriate emotion and angst Ryan is feeling in his idyllic life in the O.C., without having to resort to using Jeff Buckley again.

Tips on making a Mix Tape

2007-02-16T11:35:00.000Z

I used to love making Mix Tapes when I was younger. I never had many CDs or tapes of my own, so making a Mix Tape was my only way of getting hold of the music I wanted. After all, the internet wasn't really around in the form it is now, and my access to it was very limited, I had no idea of the magical and illegal things I could do.

So I would make a list of my favourite songs at the time, around 40 would normally be a good number. Then I'd go around school, finding who had the CDs I needed and would lend me them for an afternoon. Once I had collected all the CDs I needed I'd head to my room and get recording, but I always kept these tips in mind:

1. Don't put two songs by the same band next to each other.
2. Sudden changes in pace break the flow.
3. All tapes must have an excellent first song.
4. But the second song must be better.
5. The third song takes it down a bit, then the rest builds to the final song.

First of all it's best if you plot out your track listing, I could always fit about 12-15 songs on one side. This inevitably left quite a few songs from the 40 I'd chosen, which went into the list for my next tape. It's important that you have a flow to the album, that each track leads nicely into the next one, it's useless going from a slow song to a fast song, it just doesn't feel right when you listen to it.

As far as early relationships were concerned, a Mix Tape was as good as moving in with your girlfriend when you were 13. They always made great Valentine's Day presents, after all they take an entire afternoon to sort out. I can't tell you how much credit I got for my tapes. Today though downloading a bunch of songs from ITunes and burning them to a CD can take about 30 minutes, how much credit can you get for that? Now that I've proposed to and moved in with the Wench, I don't get any credit for that sort of thing anymore. To make an emotional impact requires something much more, like matching sweatsuits, and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment yet.

Song Covers I Despise

2007-02-14T15:46:00.000Z

There's a large number of reasons that I hate cover versions. I should probably be more specific. I hate cover versions that are sung in exactly the same style as the original, and/or are released as singles. Singles should be reserved for original songs, EVEN charity singles.

Lots of pop boy or girl bands start their careers with cover versions, or those gimps who win X Factor or Pop Idol inevitably release their version of Unchained Melody. Most recently the British X Factor winner released a cover version of a Kelly Clarkson song. Not surprisingly, she hasn't been heard from since. Here's my Top 5 most terrible covers:

1. Will Young - Light My Fire
2. Madonna - American Pie
3. Britney Spears - I Love Rock 'n Roll
4. McFly - Don't Stop Me Now
5. Girls Aloud vs Sugababes - Walk This Way

Artists like Madonna should know better. If her originality isn't what it once was, she shouldn't resort to generic dance tunes and bad covers to keep her career alive. She's got enough money, stop punishing me every time I turn a radio on.

For those of you who don't know (Anyone not in the UK) Will Young and Girls Aloud are the result of talent shows in this country. I hate these shows with a passion, because of the contestants, the judges, the format and the crap that always results from them being released into general circulation. We also have Comic Relief, a good cause, but it's no reason to annihilate a classic song that has a lot of significance. Plus it's one of my favourite tunes, my first CD single I bought was Run-DMC Vs Jason Nevins, and I still listen to Run-DMC's greatest hits while driving in the summer.

I suppose I could forgive them, but that all depends on when the Sugababes Vs Girls Aloud Sex Tape get released.

Actors I avoid

2007-02-13T16:28:00.000Z

Everyone has actors who they like, and they'll watch a movie with them in, because they're good at what they do. On the other hand there are actors who no one in their right mind would want to watch, and you actively avoid, lest you try and scrape out your own eyes in protest of what your watching.

A few of the actors who put me off of watching films are:

1. Jennifer Lopez - You would, but everything she does is terrible.
2. Julia Roberts - Almost certainly a chick flick, and not a good one.
3. Richard Gere - He's like a Julia Roberts clone, but with a different chromosome.
4. Patrick Swayze - Except for Donnie Darko, his acting is bad and dancing does not a fighter make.
5. David Caruso - AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I've got quite a lot of actors that force me to rethink watching a film, and generally I'll wait for someone I trust to tell me it's a good film, before I put my eyeballs in harms way. Actors like Hugh Grant, Martin Lawrence, Robert Redford and Sean Penn also provoke this kind of self preservation.

In fact the other week I accidentally watched the first episode of a new series of CSI:Miami. It was fine for about 5 secs, then the slow motion kicked in and my ears started to bleed. Shortly after that Horatio assumed his normal 'cool' position and delivered a cheesy line while looking of into the distance, with his shades on. Once I'd recovered enough during the titles and the screaming stopped I grabbed the remote control and tried to change channels, only to find it didn't work. In desperation I lunged at the TV, the final notes of the titles ringing in my still bleeding ears. I just managed to hit the standby button as Horatio's hideous face one again appeared before me. To be safe I left the TV off for 2 hours, you know, in case it was a double episode.

Adverts I Love

2007-02-09T12:33:00.000Z

Currently AnonymousCoworker has a post up about annoying adverts. Well I know of plenty of annoying adverts, but decided to be positive today, after all, it's Friday, and I get to go home soon! I'm sure this post's evil twin will rear it's malformed head soon enough.

So here's a bunch of adverts which are either clever, funny or just bring a smile to my face:

1. Jon West Tuna - Bear Fight
2. VW Polo - Viral Ad, Small but tough
3. Lynx - Billions of Girls | Perfect Girlfriends | Touch
4. Guinness - The Surfer | Racing Snails | Evolution
5. Honda - Balance | The Choir | Power of Dreams | Hate Diesel

There were two more Guinness ads I really liked, but I couldn't find them; one was the actual snail racing advert, and the other was where a guy is swimming in a race against the perfect pint.

Another one I didn't include in my list, but remembered afterwards is Reebok's Terry Tate: Office Linebacker ad, which is a piece of genius rolled in amusing violence and lovingly delivered to you on a poor office workers broken spine.

I think I could really use the motivation that an office linebacker would provide. I'd be as productive as a whole basement of Indian carpet makers, with the threat of having my head put through my monitor hanging over me. Although to be honest, after the first tackle over the reception desk for being 10 minutes late I'd probably just be a nervous wreck, gibbering at my desk. However if I used my Lynx I could get all the women in the office to act as a human shield to protect me! It's a shame I'm not a spotty 13 year old anymore, because then I may actually believe those adverts.

Reasons I hate Snow

2007-02-07T16:00:00.000Z

There's supposed to be snow heading our way in the next couple of days, and personally I'm looking forward to it. I'm a winter person, I love snow. I prefer being cold, because that means that I can just put more clothes on, and keep myself warm, whereas in the summer, there's only so many clothes you can take off to keep yourself cool in the heat.

What annoys me about snow, is the stupific reactions of people in this country when there is snow around, beautifully demonstrated here. So here's my Top 5 reasons why I also hate snow:

1. Women always complain about being cold - That's because your wearing a mini-skirt and sandals!
2. The snow we get in this country is pathetic, no chance for a snowman or skiing.
3. The inside of my house gets smokey as we can't open the windows.
4. It's slippery.
5. People drive like they're a Knucklehead McSpazzatron.

If your paying attention you'll probably realise that the only point I was really going for was No. 5, the others are just filler. I do really hate the way people drive in snow. The worst thing is, we hardly ever get snow that settles, so it's not like the roads are treacherous, they're just wet, we have wet roads all the time, what's the big deal. This doesn't mean you can skip work, or step on your break every 5 metres.

It's not like we're living in 3ft of snow, or we have to dig out our cars every day, or we have to drive back from work at 2am in the middle of a blizzard, with 6" of snow on the road, about 2m visibility and a cliff edge to dodge if you lose the road. Which I have done in Canada. After an experience like that you learn to appreciate it when the snow is so light it doesn't even settle on the road. So stop your bitching and learn to drive.

reasons I will miss Sneezy

2007-02-05T17:05:00.000Z

I had more bad news over the weekend as I found one of my pet rats had died over Friday night. Sneezy wasn't the most originally named pet, and I shouldn't say but she was my favourite. The sneezing was an indication that she had an infection, and she was sneezing when we got her, and despite our efforts, never really got better. She did well to last the six months.

The Wench came and woke me up on Saturday morning, worried that she wasn't moving, so I got up to take a look. We found her curled up in her house, having past away during the night. I was surprised by how upset I was, as I had become very attached to her. Here's my Top 5 things I loved about her:

1. She used to come and say 'Hi' when I got back from work
2. She'd climb up the front of her cage to get a treat, then hang there and eat it
3. She could jump nearly 4 foot from a standing start
4. For a small rodent, she was surprisingly interactive and intelligent
5. When we got them out to play, she was the most adventurous

Sneezy left behind her sister Shy (I bet you can figure out why she was named that). Shy was quite stressed all Saturday and it didn't take us long to decide to get some more friends for her. After all apparently the best toy for a rat, is another rat. But we had a day of mourning and did nothing on Saturday as a mark of respect.

On Sunday we buried Sneezy in my parents garden; our garden is nearly non-existent. Then we went and got two more rats, which we named Misty and Sugar (we've become slightly better at the naming). We weren't going to put them together straight away, but Shy found a way through our defenses and they seemed to be fine together so we left them like that. Shy seemed much happier with the company.

Goodbye Sneezy, you will be missed.

Stupid Drunken Questions

2007-02-02T15:50:00.000Z

Sooner or later at some point in everyone's life they take the time to become properly intoxicated and then spend the night with their significant other, or a group of close friends, and sit about setting the world to rights. Or in my case, asking stupid questions and thinking how great your answers are.

In the past couple of weeks there have been quite a few Friday and Saturday nights spent in this fashion, and while the large majority of things we talked about are either boring or I've forgotten about them, here's five that I can remember:

1. Would it be better to have a pound note than a pound coin?
2. Are music, films, sport and games justifiable items to list as your interests?
3. Does playing Wii sports really make you fitter?
4. What is the sweatier sport: Basketball or Squash?
5. Is Frankenstein's Monster also the abominable snowman?

A few of these are quite hard to decide on. For example Squash, similar to racquetball in the US, is possibly the most physically demanding sport I've ever played, but the games are short. When I played basketball, especially inside, it's the sweatiest I've ever been, but then the games are much longer. So which is the sweatiest?

As for the monetary issue, I've been to America and used notes, and also live in the UK and used coins. Personally I prefer notes, having a pocket full of change is annoying, and it makes going to Strip Bars expensive as the smallest note over here is £5, and you can't tuck coins into a strippers thong. Perhaps they could wear coin purses, maybe attached to garters or something...

New Drama Series I'm watching

2007-02-01T10:46:00.000Z

I really like American TV, it has so many improvements over British TV. For starters all of the seasons are about four times longer, with a team of writers and a much bigger budget. A typical British TV series is about 6 episodes, which is ridiculous, which is why I think we make good comedy, because it doesn't have to last too long, so you don't get bored.

Also most of the shows I like to watch are an hour long, so combined with the long running series they can really pull you in. I decided to do this Top 5 about drama series as there's also a lot of US comedy I like, and it'd need a list of it's own. So here's my Top 5 US dramas:

1. ER
2. Desperate Housewives
3. House MD
4. CSI
5. Prison Break

Quite a few people would probably say 'What about Lost? Or Grey's Anatomy?' and then I say 'Because they're not very good'. Put simply, I got bored of them. Grey's Anatomy as it's far too soppy, and ER and House are much better medical dramas. I think Lost is getting lost itself, in it's own meandering plot lines and unanswered questions. I'd rather watch Prison Break, which is far more clever, well planned and things actually get resolved in an episode. Plus Eko is dead.

As for series I've missed, like 24 or Battlestar Galactica, I haven't been able to see them, as the Wench is not interested and we don't have Sky. I need a decent way of watching those shows on my TV, as getting them on my PC is easy, but being bothered to watch them on it is difficult. Also I'm so far behind, we've only seen season one of 24, and only a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica. I'll get round to them eventually, there's just not enough time.

Any other series I should check out? Am I missing out on some great TV? PLEASE do not mention anything 'reality', because I despise this type of show more than any creature I have encountered, even David Caruso.

Questions scientists can't answer

2007-01-29T16:44:00.000Z

It's always interesting to find out exactly what we DON'T know. We're always being told things on TV and the Discovery Channel about things we've discovered, but not many people are brave enough to be vocal on everything we don't know about. Scientists give the impression they know everything, with their giant glasses, shiny white coats and bad hair, looking down on regular people with an air of disdain and smug arrogance.

So it's good to find out what we can throw back in their faces as examples of their stupidity. Here's my Top 5 things you can embarrass a smart ass with:

1. How does a fertilized egg become a human?
2. Why do we sleep?
3. Where did life come from?
4. How does the brain produce consciousness?
5. What is the universe made of?

These points are courtesy of Wired, who have a list of quite a few things we don't really know about. It seems bizarre to me that we're apparently so advanced, and yet we don't know how our brains work, or what makes up 96% of space, or even how life turned up in the first place.

It's at times like this that I actually start believing in a higher power, how else did we all get here? I can see the religious angle starting to become appealing. After all I'm a naturally lazy person, why would I consider working to find this stuff out when I can just say 'God did it'? Then I slap myself and remember that the scientists will get round to this once they've finished the important stuff, like making hoverboards, instant food cubes and life-like sex-bots.

Extra Bills I've had to pay recently

2007-01-26T11:06:00.000Z

I like the idea of karma, most of the time. I'm not a bad person, I don't do bad things. In fact I like to think of myself as a nice person. I don't go out of my way to be awesome and do really good deeds, but if you dropped your wallet, I'd probably let you know as you were walking off, or I'd try and get it back to you.

Which is why I can't understand when a whole bunch of bad stuff ends up on me and the Wench all at once. What heinous murders or other wrongdoings must I have committed in a past life to be this unlucky? Here's my top 5 reasons for feeling done over by karma:

1. Late payment charge
2. Ground Rent
3. Maintenance Fee
4. MOT
5. Plumber's call out charge

The late payment charge was kind of our fault, the Wench has changed jobs, so we're a bit low on cash, and she became overdrawn on an account. The MOT is on our car which is only ours as our last one got written off in an accident that wasn't my fault (seriously, it was parked and I was at work in a different city), so we had to get a cheap replacement which now needs work to keep it going. The ground rent and maintenance fee are for our flat, WHICH WE OWN, so this is on top of our mortgage. We were led to believe this would be around £200 a year, but in reality it's over 3 times that amount.

Finally the plumbing charge. Our washing machine was fitted by the site manager of our flats as they were still being built as we moved in. He did it as a favour to save us some money. Later on the washing machine leaked as it had not been properly fitted. The resulting charge for the plumber was £130+ (around $260) for him to TIGHTEN SOME SCREWS! I don't know about you, but to me that seems like anal rape on an intergalactic scale. I hope karma rains down on that plumber for the rest of his life and it's about time some good shit started happening to us.

Reasons I don't like living in York

2007-01-25T11:36:00.000Z

Yeah, you knew it had to be coming...

While York is a really nice place to live, it's not without it's downsides. It may be a city, but it's pretty small. While this is a plus point, after all, I don't like busy cities, it can be negative at times. It means that there's fewer jobs, and less room in the centre at busy times. Here's my top 5 reasons that I don't like living in York:

1. There's not many jobs in my sector so I have to work in Leeds
2. I hate the buses
3. I hate the trains
4. I hate the tourists
5. It's far away from all my old friends

I went to boarding school in south England, but York is in the north, making it hard to see my old friends. While I now have new friends I think it's a shame to be so far away from the mates I grew up with. We meet up a few times a year and try to keep in touch, but there can be a long time between visits.

The main things I hate about York have to do with travel, and mostly commuting. I'm new to the whole commuting thing, and it's not one of my favourite pastimes. I've done a few posts about this before, mainly whining about the buses and trains, if I worked in York this would be less of a problem.

Finally the tourists... Oh my god the tourists... It would be fine if there weren't so many of them and they weren't so stupid. It's great that your visiting and learning about our history, but could you not take up the whole street when I'm rushing to the bank with a huge hangover, sweating and tired on a freezing Saturday morning? Thanks.

Ideas for the Wench's Birthday

2007-01-19T11:36:00.000Z

I'm usually pretty good at deciding on presents, I've come up with some really good ones in the past. The trouble is that the Wench's birthday is so close to Christmas, I've already used my good ideas a few weeks before. I normally ask for ideas as well, to try and get some creative juices oozing, but so far everything she's come up with has been delegated to other family members.

Even more unfortunate is the fact that I've left it so late to get her present this year, as her birthday is on Sunday. I better remember to at least get a card... Here's my top 5 ideas for presents so far.

1. A DS game - I got her one for Christmas and now all she plays is Solitaire.
2. A Wii game - She seemed very interested in Warioware Smooth Moves.
3. Money for clothes - A cop out, but I dare not buy them myself and she needs new work clothes.
4. Her Soul - I won it from her in a bet the other week.
5. ~~A Slave~~ 'Adopt' some home help - Possibly illegal, but the orphan would be so glad of the home they wouldn't tell anyone.

Not a great list, but I think some home help would be a great idea. That way we'd have so much more free time to spend together as well, we wouldn't have to do any laundry, washing up, cleaning, or changing our pets. I think we could leave teaching the orphan to cook until later, it's best not to get them too over qualified too quickly as they'd want to move out and get a job to earn some money of their own. That does sound like quite a commitment though, I know it sounds cute having an orphan of your own, but how long do they stay like that?

Reasons I hate the wind

2007-01-18T15:04:00.000Z

Currently England is in the grip of Gale force winds. While these may not be the strongest winds in the world it's still really annoying weather. I find wind is my least favourite type of weather. Rain can be nice, and it's not going to kill you, and I love snow. But as soon as you add wind in to the mix everything sucks that little bit more. A downpour becomes a storm, snow becomes a blizzard, a sunny day becomes cold.

Generally wind is useless except for ruining your day. Here's my top 5 reasons why:

1. It serves hardly any purpose.
2. It can make any other kind of weather worse.
3. It's hell to drive in.
4. It can ruin the nicest day.
5. It means that somewhere else in the world it's hot.

Wind is the only truely life threatening weather, outside of freak occurences. It makes stuff fall out of the sky, it knocks down trees, powerlines and even houses. I'd rather drive in any other kind of weather than wind, even a literal rain of cats and dogs. I'd just turn my wipers on and head home as fast as possible, hoping my car would make it before being pummeled into submission by the falling animals. How long could a rain like that really last anyway?

Reasons I like living in York

2007-01-17T10:47:00.000Z

When I was younger we moved around a lot. My Dad was in the military so we moved every 2 years. I've lived in a few different places in England, a few in Germany and even in Cyprus. I really liked moving around a lot, it never got boring, as I always got to see the best bits of wherever we went. As I went to boarding school as well it really made the holidays feel like holidays, as I was always somewhere new.

However as I got older I used to get bored not being at school. While I had school friends, I had few friends at home and hoped we could stay somewhere long enough for me to make some. My Dad's final posting was to York, and he liked the area so much we stayed here. Here's 5 reasons why I like York:

1. I'm not a city person, York is a city, but it's small
2. It's the longest I've ever lived anywhere
3. There's lots of history
4. My family is here
5. I have some very good friends here

As I've been in York for around 10 years now I've gotten to know it better than anywhere I've lived. I have some great friends and I see my family more. I love the history of York, after all it's the city New York wants to be when it grows up. Finally I've stayed somewhere longer than 2 years and it's nice to be able to say I'm from somewhere, whereas before I was just 'from all over' or, as I liked to say, I was omnipresent.

Reasons the Wench is growing Horns

2007-01-11T16:21:00.000Z

This isn't some weird thing I'm just deciding to write about, the Wench is actually growing proper Horns. From her head! I'd provide photographic proof but she won't let me near her, especially as she's going through her blossoming, adolescent phase. Maybe when they're fully grown I can get her to show them off and get a picture.

In the meantime I can only guess as to why she's suddenly sprouting horns. Here are my Top 5 guesses:

1. She's really a faun, her legs will start to change once the horns stop growing.
2. A witch has cast a spell on her, cursing her for some insult.
3. She ate some magic/radioactive substance which is giving her superpowers.
4. The horns are a physical representation of her inherent evilness.
5. She's the daughter of the devil, transforming into her final form as her father's time draws near.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how big they get, it might help narrow down my options. They could be useful, like for driving off criminals in a dangerous situation. I think I could learn to live with them, provided I don't have to trim them for her. Of course they could just be two large symmetrical spots on either side of her forehead, which happened to cast large shadows on her skin under the spotlights in our kitchen, but I think she just wants me to think that.

Most Inappropriate Sex Aids

2007-01-10T14:31:00.000Z

You always see in films (or porn) various items being used in sex games, or as sex toys. Such as that scene from 9 1/2 weeks in front of the fridge. Yeah, you know the one. Now there are some items around which could be very painful, or possibly embarrassing, to use as 'sex aids'.

I'm not sure where the idea for some of these came from, and I don't really want to either, but here's my top 5:

1. A Cactus - That's not going to be comfortable
2. Snot - I can't imagine a snot fetishist
3. A Laptop - With no porn on it
4. Schindler's List - Yes, the film
5. A Gun

I could've gone so many different ways with this heading... Like the most painful sex toys, or the stupidest, or the most unsexy. I thought a broader range of topic would help with the results. But really, a gun is always going to win. Your involving an object intended to end life in an act designed to create it, how inappropriate is that? Also technically any sex involving a gun could be construed as rape, or as a friend of mine likes to call it 'Surprise Sex'.

New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-03T10:56:00.000Z

I'm finally back after the best Christmas ever. We had our own Christmas, our first one in our own apartment, without going to our parents. The Wench's brother also came and we all had a great time.

Normally I don't bother with resolutions, and if I do I seldom keep them. My resolution from last year I barely managed to pull off before the end of the year. But this year the Wench and I have joint resolutions and we even wrote them down. Here's my Top 5:

1. Do exercise 3 times a week
2. Finish my websites
3. Save for my tattoo
4. Get a new phone contract
5. Sort out my payrise at work

We have 12 shared in total, with a few extra each, most of them to do with saving money or getting exercise. I probably should've done a few more about cutting down on my absinthe binges and orgies, we are getting married next year after all. It's almost like I'm getting old, next thing I know I'll be suggesting that I don't use my superpowers for evil, as all the Heroes are starting to get annoying with their constant thwarting of my plans.

Secret Santa Gifts

2006-12-20T16:21:00.000Z

Secret Santa always seems like a bit of a cop out, but if your short on pennies, ideas or even friends, it's a good way of joining in with the Christmas fun.

At my office we decided to set a limit of Â£5, and as none of us are particularly swimming in cash this seemed fair enough. Here's my Top 5 suggestions for a present:

1. A Gift Certificate - The ultimate in thoughtlessness, unless it's from a woman and is redeemable for hot loving.
2. A pint - One drink? For a fiver? How cheap are you?
3. A rubber band gun - Office warfare here we come.
4. A USB Missile Launcher - For the cubicle commando who has everything else.
5. A Lapdance.

In the end I got a radio controlled car, I don't expect it to last long, but I'm sure I can have some fun with it. I got my ~~victim~~ presentee(?) a small slingshot, complete with soft foam balls to fire at the receptionist. If he fires any of them at me, I'll just wire some home made explosives to my radio controlled car and drive it under his swiveling chair, like a mini suicide bomber. It'll be just like America taking down Iraq after supplying them with weapons. Don't bite the hand that feeds...

Blended Objects

2006-12-19T16:24:00.000Z

I've never heard of them before, but apparently Blendtec blenders are to blending like Superman is to retarded chickens. By that I mean that compared to a normal blender, or a retarded chicken in Superman's case, Blendtec blenders are in a whole new class.

I've never seen these adverts before, but I've heard that in America these are quite popular. Here are my favourite videos from the bunch, where the guy uses the blender to blend some everyday objects:

1. An iPod
2. Pens
3. A Bottled Beverage
4. Golf Balls
5. Marbles

All I could think of watching these videos was how much I needed one of these blenders. Not that I blend a lot of stuff, but I would. It wouldn't be edible either, I'd just make it my life's work to try and break one with something ridiculous, or use it to dispose of bodies, because I'm running out of room under my patio and the neighbours are getting inquisitive about my late night digging.

Things I hate about the new trains

2006-12-13T11:25:00.000Z

I commute every weekday to work, which means I have to get the train, as there aren't enough car parking spaces at my work for me to park. I would gladly take longer to drive to work than have to get the train every day.

Recently the company that runs the trains I take decided to buy new trains. This should have been excellent, a new shiny and improved train service, faster, more comfortable and with air conditioning! Here's the top 5 things I hate about these new trains:

1. They sway, which makes standing up on them difficult.
2. They have massive double doors, reducing seat numbers and letting all the cold air in
3. They are slower than the old trains
4. I haven't figured where to stand yet to get next to the doors when the train stops
5. They have far fewer seats

I can live with all the other problems, but the lack of seats is ridiculous. You expect new trains to improve your commute, but now I have to stand all the way to work as there are less seats. Where's the logic in this? The person who designed these new trains is unlikely to have ever actually been on a train in his life, or he'd know what commuters want the most. How can they expect more people to use public transport when they can't support the people who use it already? And the real kicker is that my ticket is going up by Â£10 next month. Happy New Year!

Mistakes Women Make During Sex

2006-12-12T16:46:00.000Z

I found something stupid the other day. This is the guide for the Top 50 mistakes men make when having sex. It honestly reads like it's been written by a 13 year old girl, or Disney. If you HAVE to have sex, for God's sake make sure you do it right, or don't do it at all!

Luckily at the bottom I also found this, in the form of a retort. This is a proper guide for women, and the best I've ever read. It should be taught in schools! Here's my Top 5 mistakes mentioned in it:

1. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
2. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
3. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
4. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
5. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

The picture on the side is of the wonderful angel-who-has-become-my-new-stalker-obsession who wrote this article. Luckily for me the Wench is aware of most of these mistakes, although I'll still be showing her the list to further point out where she's been going wrong. I can't go wrong, I've only been wrong once, and that was where I thought I was wrong, but I was really right.

Ways to act like a Ninja

2006-12-05T17:16:00.000Z

To celebrate Day of the Ninja we are all encouraged to act like a ninja for a day. We can't all actually BE ninjas for a day, as we haven't had a lifetimes worth of training and awesomeness implants, but for one day, we can ACT like ninjas, to make the world a little more deadly.

Here are a few things you can try to act like a ninja:

1. Make a ninja mask out of a t-shirt
2. Make a paper shuriken (Your only acting like a ninja remember)
3. Practice blending in with your environment
4. Research and find out 'What would a Ninja do?'
5. Try not to flip out and kill too many people

Personally I'll be wearing my mask and flinging stars all the way home from work, and if I see any police I'll blend into the background. Probably by taking the mask off and walking into a bar, ninjas are smart like that. You can't be too careful running around in a mask these days, I might be mistaken for a terrorist or something, and unlike real ninjas, I can be killed by conventional weapons, and severely injured by police beatings.

Names for my Other Half

2006-11-28T15:46:00.000Z

I didn't really put a lot of thought into the nickname I gave my girlfriend before I decided to call her the Fluff. I don't really like the sound of it that much, so I'm going to rename her. I've probably put her real name in an entry somewhere, but as I don't use my name, I figure I shouldn't really use hers either.

I've come up with a few names, and put them in categories, listed below:

Offensive: Slut, Whore, Streetwalker, Hooker, Harlot, Tart
Servile: Wench, Squaw, Maid
General: Broad, Damsel, Missus, Dame, Girl, Lady, Mate, Fiancee, Girlfriend, Woman
Affectionate: Babe, Minx, Nymph, Nymphet, Cutie, Bunny
Royal: Empress, Princess, Queen, Countess, Contessa

I quite like Tart or Wench, but something from the General section or later would be more appropriate. All of the affectionate category are a little too nicknamish for a blog, and despite her royal blood I don't think Queen or Empress is quite right. Which leaves me to take something a little more middle of the road, nothing too outstanding, but nothing derogatory, while it may be funny to begin with, it may cause problems later.

So, the Fluff will henceforth be known as: ~~The Damsel~~ The Wench

If she ever finds out I can point out that I could've called her the Buxom Wench, that should help my cause... Who am I kidding, if she finds out I'm dead!

Things I'm doing tonight

2006-11-27T17:04:00.000Z

I've been on holiday since last Wednesday, and unlike normal couples the Fluff and I dedicated most of our time to doing nothing. Well I did, the Fluff actually managed to get herself another job during this time.

There's something happening tonight I've waited a long time for, so here's what's going to happen:

1. Leaving work as soon as possible
2. Getting home as fast as possible
3. Eating dinner as quickly as possible
4. Having sex
5. Playing Guitar Hero II

I would've said 'having sex as quickly as possible', but let's face it, even if I do get some (and the Fluff is as eager to try out Guitar Hero II as I am) it will be quick enough without me trying to make it end sooner.

But yes, Guitar Hero II has arrived screeching it's awesomness into my face and hammering my brain with it's stupendability. I think if I actually play it, I may never be heard from again, only found lying in a pool of my own waste, plastic guitar controller laid in my lap, the Fluff in a similar state beside me, our faces fixed into a permanent and grotesque rock mask, our fingers warped and misshapen shadows of their former glory. It's going to be ace!

Tips for a New Mother

2006-11-20T12:13:00.000Z

I caught on TV this morning the final debate on The Wright Stuff, which is a kind of chat/discussion show where they talk about various current topics. The final topic was 'tips for new mothers'. I vaguely heard a few of the comments, but at the end they had a summary of what they considered to be the top tips given, here they are:

1. Rest while you can
2. Eat well
3. Your not only a mum
4. Do kegel and other exercises
5. Think about contraception

The first 3 seem fair enough, and were actually tips given by older women, who have had their own kids. The fourth one I actually just made up, but makes sense if you ever want to have kids again or not be a single mother. I often get comments on my kind and supportive nature.

The final tip seems a bit redundant. It seems a trifle overdue to be telling a mother about contraception. I'm sure many mothers would've been happy to think about contraception nine months ago, had it been brought up, but the moment has passed now and the kid has already graced the world with it's presence. Unless of course you favour the 'pulling out' method, popular amongst unwed teenage mothers or the old faithful Catholic methods of contraception. In fact scrap the last one, if your Catholic you'll be happily married before you have any sex, so your babies will be raised in a loving and stable environment, so carry on you have no need for contraception.

Tip: Kegel exercises are good at any time, not just after giving birth *wink*

Things Women Wear

2006-11-17T16:11:00.000Z

It's come to my own attention that I've come across rather sexist or dismissive of women in some of my posts, I'd like to say mostly I'm just making fun, I like women, I have a lot of female friends.

Women do a lot of stuff they don't need to do, like dress up all nice and strut around for men to gawp at longingly. Women don't need to do this, women have it so easy they can pretty much do what they want. some of them think they need to do this, but most of them do it anyway, and the men love them for it. Here's my Top 5 reasons why:

1. Pleated mini skirts - It must be a leg thing with me...
2. Plain white tops - There's something about white wife beaters on a woman that's very sexy
3. Suspenders/Stockings - They just look good, with or without the belt
4. Thongs - A guy probably invented them, but bless you for humouring us
5. Boots - A nice pair of fuck-me boots can go a long way

On behalf of men everywhere I'd like to thank the women of the world for being such good sports. Men probably invented most of these items, and I've been reliably informed that at least 3 of these items are uncomfortable to wear. Yet these items of clothing still exist and women still buy them and wear them. Thank you, thank you very much.

In fact a woman could wear all of these items at once, transforming herself into some kind amazing super being, capable of demanding anything from men, possibly in exchange for sexual favours. Hang on, that's a whore, right? Dammit I did it again!

Ways I've seen nature be cruel this weekend

2006-11-15T09:37:00.000Z

I love watching nature programs. It's a sad fact that tells me that I'm getting older, but the BBCs excellent documentaries are amazing. It makes the discovery channel look like an unprofessional rabble still in film school trying to impress their girlfriends. The BBC is the nuts as far as nature programs goes. Were you impressed with March of the Penguins? So was I. I was even more impressed when the BBC cut the sentimental stuff and provided the same documentary in about 20mins, along with the other creatures in Antarctica and the North Pole.

The series the BBC is currently showing is called 'Planet Earth' it showed last weeks episode on 'Ice Worlds' then this weeks episode on 'Great Plains'. It's quite possibly the most graphic and gruesome series I've seen in a while, maybe a little too real. Here's my top 5 things I saw in the 2 episodes that made me realise how cruel nature can be:

1. 'March of the Penguins' the abriged version.
2. A polar bear starving to death after swimming solidly for 5 days and having food right next to him.
3. A caribou calf being hunted and killed by a wolf.
4. Lions bringing down an adult elephant.
5. A fox feeding it's cute cubs cute chicks.

Possibly the harshest example was my final point. These geese lay their eggs on a huge grassy plain, of course foxes turn up and try and get eggs and chicks. One time a really cute looking arctic fox turned up and managed to get near the chicks, killing all of them but one. At this point the mother returns and chases off the fox, who drops all his prey in the fight, but manages to grab one back before legging it. Of course it manages to grab the only live chick left. The mother goose is now inconsolable having lost all her babies. What a bitch you think, as the fox runs off. Then you see her feeding the chick to her four incredibly cute pups. It seems harsh, but otherwise her pups will die. All this cuteness killed, so that other cute things can live. It was then I realised the true lesson, you are what you eat.

Things I will never understand about women

2006-11-03T16:11:00.000Z

Having finally lived with a woman for a long period of time, rather than just getting together for the good stuff, I've learned some disturbing things. Women are a different species. I long ago decided that I will never understand a woman, no matter how much research, money or practice I got, you can only hope to maintain one, never understand one.

After I'd accepted this fact my life has become a lot easier, just get on with stuff and point out occasionally how mental the woman in your life is to her, if she tries to blame you for anything. Here are the Top 5 things I will NEVER get about women:

1. You want to tell me your problems, but you don't want any help.
2. All their hints - I'm a man, if I want something I ask for it.
3. The selective memory.
4. The Hypocrisy - I do it too, but I admit I'm a hypocrite.
5. The need for a huge awesome wedding

I do not understand weddings. It's supposed to be this huge event, the happiest day of a woman's life! That should be when she sees the kitchen in her new house *wink*. Seriously though, it's like girls are conditioned from birth for this, and it's so traumatic and stressful. I fail to see the appeal. And I'm the one from a family where my parents are still married, hers are divorced.

My fiancee is asking my opinion on what we should have at our wedding. I try and say as little as possible, knowing full well I will be labeled a retard for saying something she doesn't like, so I just agree. It's not my day, it's hers, she should plan what she wants, I just get told my ideas are rubbish anyway. Then she tells me I don't care.

It's all a conspiracy from the wedding industry, just like Christmas was invented by Coca Cola, and Valentine's Day was invented by Hallmark.

Things I would tell my 12 year old self

2006-10-30T16:48:00.000Z

This was a rather interesting question I read posted on ajooja, but which came from Certifiable Princess. CP's users had some very good things they'd tell their younger selves, just look in the comments.

There are rules to this as well, I can't give myself tips, like all the football results for the next 12 years, or tell me to buy shares in Google. Instead it should be something for me either to avoid, or to go for, to change or remove from my life so there would be no regrets.

Personally I've not had any great traumas in my life, but there a few small things I'd like to change:

1. Don't worry about sex, you get some soon. This would really help me relax.
2. When your girlfriend tells you she's pregnant ignore her, she's lying.
3. Curtains are not a good hair style. Would definately have helped me with the ladies at the time, in fact, I could just tell me to shave my head now and save the experimentation.
4. GCSEs are easy, A-Levels are hard, your degree is harder. Enjoy yourself more now, you'll appreciate it later. Also when your in the middle of your exams, half the bottle will be enough, just let it kick in and don't drink anymore.
5. Your a jock, reap the benefits.

If I could only pick one of these I think I would go for 5 4 5 4... 5. When I was at boarding school in England the 1st's XV rugby team was the equivalent of the high school american football team. The players got all the girls/cheerleaders, all the other kids looked up to them, no one messed with them, the teachers loved them and there was so much other stuff going on that I didn't know about!

I was clueless about this! I thought I was uncool, hanging out with the cool kids occasionally and feeling uncomfortable and out of place. I was shy and embarrassed around girls, little did I know I was amongst the stereotypical teenage school Gods, unaware of my mystical powers. I later found out from my now fiancee about the magic I wielded, unfortunately too late to use it for my own gain.

Most Unconvincing Sex Acts

2006-10-19T10:25:00.000Z

Since leaving university I've heard a number of phrases almost never used in everyday speech, and possibly completely fictional, as no evidence has ever been produced that these exercises have ever been actually performed, outside of celebrity sex tapes or violent porn.

My Top 5 most unlikely sex acts for anyone to actually want to perform, or have performed on them, are:

1. Dirty Sanchez
2. Arabian Goggles
3. Bucking Bronco
4. Angry Dragon
5. Donkey Punch

I think the average person is going to look at you with utter disgust if you told them what any of these are, and attempting them would be an act of extreme stupidity. I think the least offensive is probably the Arabian Goggles, as it could happen by accident if you had bizarrely huge balls. The rest were probably thought up by drunken idiots, trying to brag to their buddies about what's the shittiest thing they've ever done to a woman. If anyone you know claims to have done any of these incredibly dubious, improbable, possibly even implausible acts, then beat them with a steel bar till they can't move, then skullfuck them. Maybe they'll appreciate the irony of dying by a method that was previously fictional.

Slang Phrases

2006-10-17T10:08:00.000Z

In a recent attempt by myself to appear more 'Street', 'Hip' and 'Down with the kids/my homies' I added an Urban Word of the day section to my sidebar. It's been quite enlightening and I've learned just how out of touch I've become from my peeps back in ~~suburbia~~ the ghetto.

At last I can end my clueless white existence and learn some proper phrases, used all the time, so I can keep it real. Here's my Top 5:

1. Pop a Cap
2. Shizzle
3. Word
4. Bling
5. Ghetto

I find most of the time that slang like this is mainly used by young white kids trying to be gangsta. Like that's even something to aim towards, being a gangster? Give me your bling, 'for I pop a cap in your ass foo'. The suburbs are not the ghetto. The ghetto isn't even the ghetto, if it was, it'd be walled off, patrolled by angry Nazis, everyone would be starving and people would get shot for leaving. Oh right, now I get the comparison. Word.

Worst Times to Fart

2006-10-13T09:37:00.000Z

Farting is one of the things that guys have to do. It's rare that women will let one rip, but I don't mind when they do, unless theirs is worse than a blokes, in which case I will be incredibly hypocritical and mercilessly ridicule her.

I have cut the cheese at some really inappropriate times, and some just plain unfortunate times. Below are my Top 5 places you should never release an ass burp:

1. In an elevator - inclosed spaces kill
2. At a funeral - As disrespectful as it gets
3. In the shower - bizarrely this amplifies the smell beyond all reason
4. While receiving head - A guaranteed way to never get any again
5. A combination of the above

I think the ultimate would be floating an air biscuit in the shower while getting blown by your girlfriend. I think you would be praying for her to succumb to the fumes, before she realises what you've done and starts grinding her teeth and retching in disgust. Although if you could somehow manage to be in an elevator, at a funeral, in a shower getting sucked off, you could be excused for farting just for being in such an unlikely situation. An elevator with a shower? That's how I'm going to make my fortune right there.

Types of Mullet

2006-10-06T15:06:00.000Z

After a little consideration I decided that just one post ridiculing mullets was not enough, so this post is also dedicated to the tragedy of the mullet.

Mullets come in many different types and to the descerning mulleteer there can be quite a distinction between the different styles, here are my Top 5:

1. Classic Mullet (Mulletus Normalus)
2. The Shaved Mullet (Shullet)
3. The Braided Mullet (Brullet)
4. The Spikey Mullet (Spullet)
5. Metal/Rock Mullet (Rollet)

There are dozens of subcategories of mullets and nothing would give me more pleasure than to chart them all in a giant tree diagram, except perhaps for being gangraped by herd of randy rhinos, in the middle of an acid bath.

Worst Hairstyles

2006-10-05T10:14:00.000Z

To clear things up: I shave my head. That's not so much a haircut as it is a lifestyle choice. I'm not saying I'm a Nazi or a Thug, but everyone just assumes I am. So my lifestyle now consists of convincing people I'm not going to mug them.

The plus sides of this is I spend approximately 1/378672927658th of a second doing my hair in the morning, I've spent £0 on haircuts over the last 7 years and I just need to shave it about every 6 weeks.

But I've still had my share of bad hairstyles, shaving my head is my way of protecting myself from my own stupidity. Here are some examples of how people can make themselves look stupid:

1. The Curtains
2. The Comb-Over
3. The Perm
4. The Emo
5. The Mullet

I am guilty of once having curtains. I have very thin hair, thinner than an anorexic crane fly, so it wasn't a good look for me. The massive undercut did not help things. I would post a picture but the horror can't be properly conveyed on a conventional monitor.

I despise Emo in all it's forms and you can spot an Emo from a mile away because of their distinctively fucked up hair. The picture above is a fine example of an emo hairstyle. If you are in any more doubt as to what I mean click on a random myspace page, chances are it's owned by one of the sad little self-harming twats.

However the Mullet, in all it's NASCAR watching, beer swilling, Jerry Springer worshipping, flag waving, truck driving, trailer park living, wife beating, inbreeding glory, is our true winner. The ~~sad~~ terrifying thing is, the mullet has been ridiculed for decades, but IT'S MAKING A COMEBACK!

Most embarrassing things I've said

2006-09-28T15:38:00.000Z

I tend to talk a lot of rubbish, mumble and just generally make myself look like a fool. I would say this is because I'm shy, but I tend to do this even with people I know. Sometimes your mind just elopes with another beautiful mind it's fancied for ages and gets married, meanwhile your mouth carries on talking unsupervised.

A few of my most memorable moments are listed below:

1. Thinking a girl was a boy - I've never made the mistake of thinking a fat girl was pregnant though *phew*
2. 'That would be the breast' when talking to a girl with a large chest, and she noticed
3. 'We should really get some cock' in earshot of a small child
4. Telling a friend 'I love you' when hanging up
5. Calling a teacher Mum

The third one is not as bad as it seems. I was actually talking to my girlfriend (who from this day forth shall be referred to as my Fluff, as I can't be arsed to type girlfriend anymore) about Coke. She started calling Coke cock which has gradually permeated into our everyday speech, much to the dismay of the small child's parents.

Calling my teacher Mum is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. I turned so red so fast the other children sustained permanent eye damage, and shortly before I passed out due the volume of blood in my face I just managed to rip my tongue out of my mouth and stick it to the wall with a pencil for betraying me.

Things I'm thinking about right now

2006-09-27T16:21:00.000Z

I'm getting lax with the entries recently. Work has actually picked up so I do have some excuses. Plus I don't owe you anything, so just get out of my life!

This isn't so much an entry, more of a way to kick start myself to get back in the appropriate mindset. That being said, here's what I'm thinking:

1. I need more excercise
2. I need some food
3. What a great idea leaving work early would be
4. Naked KY Wrestling with Keeley Hazel, Scarlett Johansson and Lucy Pinder, and I have to lose
5. How cool a T-Rex riding cowboy cartoon would be

Excercise is on my list, I'm supoosed to be trying out Tae-Bo again tonight, then getting some food. It's now too late for me to leave early, so #3 is out the window. I'm only thinkg about the KY Wrestling because it's my one week anniversary of that actually happening. The cartoon would rock, anything with cowboys and dinosaurs is bound to rock, just like making up stuff about KY Wrestling is bound to get my restraining orders renewed.

Ways to dry your hands

2006-09-22T15:05:00.000Z

Going to the toilet is a pain. If I had one wish it would be that I never had to use a toilet again. But that'd be one of those wishes that would backfire horribly and I'd end up crying urine, sweating shit or something equally gross.

When your done you wash your hands and then dry them, unless your one of the scum that walks out without drying, or even worse, not wiping. Drying can take a while, depending on what's around. Here's my Top 5 ways to dry your hands:

1. Use Paper Towels
2. Use a blow dryer
3. Dip them in lava
4. Use the bathroom attendants beard
5. Use the breasts of a penthouse centrefold

Being the awesome pimp that I am I have a different topless model follow me around to use as my personal towel, and with the moisturiser they use it takes a lot of rubbing to be properly dry. It takes a lot longer than using paper towels, but I do get less looks than that time I tried to use lava, then tried to put out the fire with the bathroom attendants beard.

Tags: Hand Drying, Penthouse, Beards, Lava

Ways to celebrate "Talk Like A Pirate Day!"

2006-09-19T10:12:00.000Z

Shiver me timbers! It's that time of year again! It's Talk like a Pirate Day! Yar, matey! So in honour of this most momentous occasion, I will list 'ere me Top 5 ways to celebrate, by not only talkin' likes a pirate, but actin' like one an all!

1. Hijack a vessel and sell it's contents on eBay
2. Start a fight in a bar when someone comments on your peg-leg
3. Use your hook to split a man from crotch to cap, just because
4. Rape a buxom wench, and at some point call her 'my pretty', while drooling grog into her face
5. Get keel-hauled or hung for your terrible and unspeakable crimes

People seem to think that pirates are cool. And they're right, pirates are cool. In the modern world pirates are funny, they feature in kid's stories and at fancy dress parties. Imitating a pirates speech is humorous and amusing. Everyone seems to forget the huge crimes and bloody and violent nature that the pirate lifestyle entailed. Pirates, raped, killed, pillaged and terrorized people for about 100 years. But they sure did speak funny and look cool. YARGH!

Tags: Talk like a Pirate, Pirates, Violence, Rape, YAAARGH!

Things to do when short on cash

2006-09-15T10:01:00.000Z

A lack of cash is a common problem in today's society, and an especially large problem for me. I often run out of money before pay day, relying instead on my wits and reactions to get me through. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation here's a few suggestions:

1. Save all you can
2. Rob a bank
3. Sell drugs
4. Sell your body
5. Get drunk

I've tried saving, but I'm not very good at it, hence my predicament. I'm past my bank robbing days, and a good wheel man is hard to come across. There's a bit of a drug drought in England at the moment, so that career is a dead end. My regulars have all moved on to greener and more limber pastures, leaving me with only one more option. Oh well, guess I'm getting drunk this weekend then!

Tags: Skint, Desperate, Prostitution, Drinking

Things to wear on your feet

2006-09-13T09:46:00.000Z

Recently my trainers have begun falling apart, it gets a lot more noticeable as it gets wetter, as the rain is being sucked up into my shoes. I normally buy a new pair of trainers once a year, and it's getting near that time.

This year, I've been considering some alternatives, here's my Top 5:

1. DC Shoes - My favourite
2. Socks - For comfort, also available in waterproof
3. Flippers - Or fins, if your American
4. Ice Skates or Crampons - Lethal weapons on your feet!
5. Animal Skins - Get in touch with your inner caveman

After a lot of thought I decided that I was right with my first instinct to go for another pair of trainers. I am actually a trainer snob and have purchased DCs for the last 5 or 6 years. No other trainers I've tried look as good, feel as padded, or last as long. So instead of cutting off my feet and walking around on the bloody stumps, I'm on a mission to find some decent DCs. But in the meantime I'm going to invest in some waterproof socks, winter is coming after all.

Tags: Trainers, Socks, Caveman, Ninja Death Footwear

Reasons for not updating recently

2006-09-12T11:08:00.000Z

If anyone actually reads this blog regularly, which would surprise me, you may be wondering why I've disappeared for about three weeks. Well in keeping with the theme of the blog, I'll give you a Top 5:

1. I couldn't be bothered
2. I was in a coma
3. I went out for a walk and didn't come back
4. I was kidnapped and held as a sex slave by 5 stunningly hot large breasted nymphomaniac dancers
5. I was on holiday

In fact the answer was no. 4. Bet that's a surprise! You thought I was on holiday didn't you? I was in fact abducted from my house and chained to a super king size bed and ravaged repeatedly. I was finally released and thrown naked into the street when the girls managed to capture a professional footballer. Needless to say, I haven't missed this blog at all, as I had an awesome time!

Potential Video Game Films

2006-08-15T15:24:00.000Z

Lots of video games get film adaptations, as they already have their basic audience built in. But wouldn't it be great if instead of making a film based on the game, they took one of the characters from the game, and put them into a completely different film.

This was kind of the question asked over at Something Awful, and here are what I think are the Top 5 results:

1. Sonic the Hedgehog - Lord of the Rings - By Astantiri
2. Blanka (Street Fighter II) - Grosse Pointe Blanka - By frumpsnake
3. Mario - The Island of Dr. Mario - By kuddles3
4. Dhalsim (Street Fighter II) - Dhalsim's Creek - By bewilderbeest
5. Guybrush Threepwood (Monkey Island Games) - Pirates of the Caribbean: LeChuck's Revenge - By Supernorn

I could just imagine Sonic being the ring bearer, it'd be a real short film though. Blanka as a hired killer and Mario as an evil scientist are also brilliant. Dhalsim would just creep out the target audience of a teenage drama, but Guybrush Threepwood... there's a star in the making!

Tags: Something Awful, Films, Sonic, Mario, Guybrush Threepwood

Songs I'd like to kick my own ass for liking

2006-08-11T12:54:00.000Z

There are times in everyone's lives when they embarrass themselves through no fault of their own. One of those times is when you're having a really good night out with friends, you've had a few drinks, you go to a club you wouldn't normally like, you have a few more drinks, your dancing with your friends, you find yourself singing to a great song, then suddenly you notice everyone's stopped dancing and are just starring at you. Then as you slowly stop moving they say, "How the hell do you know this song?"

Here's my Top 5 songs I wish I didn't know most of the words to:

1. Backstreets Back - Backstreet Boys
2. Bye Bye Bye - *NSYNC
3. A few Britney Spears songs - "Hit me one more time" and "Toxic" spring to mind
4. A few S Club 7 songs - Mainly "Reach" and "Don't stop movin'", what can I say Rachel Stevens is hot, and I didn't mention any of her songs either...
5. Anything by 5ive - I own the Greatest Hits

Sadly in my younger university days I succumbed to the urge to buy 5ive's Greatest Hits. 5ive were the best boy band ever (kill me now), and their album was on sale, so I bought it just because. Ever since it's one of those albums that has come back to haunt me. I always get disgusted comments when my friends find it tucked away in my Metallica, Slipknot and System of a Down CDs. So What? Everyone's a little gay.

Tags: Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, 5ive, Rachel Stevens, Gayness

Most Unreasonable Requests

2006-08-10T10:32:00.000Z

Life is full of unreasonable requests. It starts when you're kids and your parents keep having a go at you, telling you to do stuff. Then you 'have' to go to school, to get an education, because you 'have' to get a job. Everyone asks you to do stuff all the time, it's annoying!

Here's my Top 5 most unreasonable requests.

1. Go to School
2. Get a Job
3. Stop Smoking
4. Keep your Baby
5. Put the seat down

That is THE worst thing. "Put the toilet seat down!". No! You put the seat up! Why do women get to be the good guys in this situation and men are automatically labelled as total retarded bastards if they don't put the seat down? I have to put the seat up in order to piss, why can't you put it down to piss? In fact, how about you put the toilet seat up? Otherwise I'll just piss all over it, then you'll have to clean it off before you can use it. Ha, I win.

Things I hate to hear from Clients

2006-08-07T15:21:00.000Z

At my job I have to do things to a specific plan, arranged in advance with the client by someone else, so I don't have to deal with them, and we can get things done on time.

Two weeks later the deadline is approaching, everything is going well, we've been asking the client every day if there is anything they want to change, with no reply. Then suddenly, from out of nowhere,possibly minutes before the site is finished, we will receive an email or phone call and the client will then say:

1. "I was thinking about changing..."
2. "Could we possibly do this differently..."
3. "I have a list of changes I'd like to go over..."
4. "Where is the [insert something they never wanted before], I was sure we requested it."
5. "Why isn't the site ready yet? We were told it would be ready on..."

The last one inevitably comes after the first four. When the deadline has had to be moved, projects rearranged, staff reallocated and overtime spent working. Yes your site is late, you arrogant little turd, and it's all your fault. Your short-sightedness, stupidity and failure to review the site whenever we asked you to and your huge list of irrelevant and bizarre changes, mainly brought about because of your pretentious and power hungry attitude, trying to appear like you know what your doing in order to demand your over-inflated salary, has put us so far behind that if we were charging you for it, it would cost you double. And the fact that your trying to dump the blame on me will not get your site done any faster. I may even go so far as to come round to your house, set fire to your dog, skullfuck your children, castrate you with a pair of rusty hedgetrimmers, then fuck you with a sideways broom, before letting my 6'2" gay black friend with questionable taste in men have his way with you in front of your family. I won't do anything to your wife, I'm not an animal.

Clients, Anger, Frustration, Work

Great Nintendo Merchandise

2006-08-03T16:15:00.000Z

You may have noticed an obscene amount of merchandise around for pretty much every major cartoon character, or product. One of the worst perpetrators of this is Nintendo, whether they know about it or not. Mario is perhaps the most recognisable face in the world, possibly only second to Mickey Mouse or Homer Simpson. So companies plaster him across anything in order to get it to sell.

Here's my Top 5 examples of Nintendo merchandise, if they are real or not:

1. Sweets
2. Baked Goods
3. A truly Awful Movie
4. Antivirus Software
5. 'Bedroom' outfits

That's right, Mario and Daisy dress up sex costumes. Who would buy something like that? How could it be sexy? "Oh yeah Mario, I love your moustache, slide down my pipe" "Oh Princess, time for my reward after rescuing you from that evil Bowser" "Take me Mario! Eat that mushroom so you grow bigger" "I keep hitting my head on these question mark blocks..." "Ride me like Yoshi!". Actually, I'm getting turned on...

Tags: Nintendo, Mario, Merchandise, Kinky

Greatest things about my Girlfriend

2006-08-01T16:29:00.000Z

I've noticed that in a few of my posts that I've put a few rather negative comments about my girlfriend and this may have given a bad impression. I love my girlfriend, we've been together nearly 7 years *thud* ... sorry, things just went a bit black and hazy there for a minute, I may have passed out.

So in order to redeem myself a bit and make myself feel better (and possibly get some of that No. 3 action), here is my Top 5:

1. She's Hot (Well I think so anyway!)
2. She talks alot, especially to other people, which means I don't have to
3. She gives great head
4. She plays videogames with me (even more now I've given her my old DS)
5. We're engaged! (Which technically makes her not my girlfriend anymore)

We did get engaged last year, and have set a date for our wedding (in 2008, plenty of time). In the meantime there's lots of planning to do, constant demands on my body for various things, and our regular routine of getting slaughtered every Friday and Saturday with friends. It's a long hard slog, I tell you, the sacrifices I have to make to keep her happy...

Tags: Girlfriend, Engagement, Great Head

Top Weekend Thoughts - II

2006-07-26T15:04:00.000Z

I went to some friends' wedding over the weekend and it was a great day. I don't especially like weddings, I am a man after all, and as I'm taken I can't really enjoy looking at the nice young bridesmaids either. I'm not a religious person either and church weddings offend me, particularly when non-religious people get married in churches.

This wasn't the case on Saturday. The wedding was small, cheap, but still very nice. The service was in York Registry Office, a very nice building. Then the reception and evening party were at friends' houses. A wedding on a budget, I liked the idea!

Here are my Top 5 weekend thoughts:

1. Damn, it's hot
2. Even the scruffiest person looks good in a suit
3. Starcraft is as good as I remember it
4. Always ask for ID
5. Small Weddings are not a bad thing

Unless of course your missus is expecting something larger. When I mentioned that I wouldn't mind a smaller wedding, my fiancee shot me a look that would've made fully grown and battle hardened dragon riding barbarians cower in a corner with their hands over their testicles. Looks like I know what my life savings are going on. And when I say life savings I mean whatevers left of my £200 once I've insured the car.

Situations where it's impossible to look cool

2006-07-21T12:41:00.000Z

Any man will tell you it is their sworn duty to always try and look cool. Every man across the world maintains a constant struggle towards perfection, to always appear cool under any circumstances. Especially men like me, who find it incredibly hard to look cool at any time.

But there are situations in which even the coolest amongst us can find themselves stretched, where even the most manly of men struggle to maintain the facade, where even Chuck Norris himself flinches in the face of what is to come. Here are my Top 5:

1. Waiting for your girlfriend near a changing room
2. Tripping on anything, especially the pavement
3. Getting on an escalator
4. Putting on a condom
5. Walking down a moving bus

The bus is the worst for normal men. You are completely at the mercy of the driver, so you better pray he's nice. Chuck Norris is so cool because he can avoid most of these problems. If Chuck Norris had to wait for his girlfriend, he'd kill her, if he caught his foot on anything, he'd destroy it, he could jump higher than any escalator and run faster and longer than any bus. And there's not a condom in existence that could hold Chuck Norris's sperm.

Things to do with your partner

2006-07-20T16:11:00.000Z

Something a bit surreal happened the other night. We had a bunch of friends around and we were drinking, then we started playing two-player Guitar Hero (this isn't the strange thing yet). Me and Viv stepped up and started rocking to a song on hard, both in power stance, completely in time with each other.

That's when one of my friends asked us a question about what we do together, and here are 5 things which people should try:

1. Go for long windy walks.
2. Have a pleasant dinner at a nice restaurant.
3. See a nice film.
4. Buy a pet and care for it for many years.
5. Have sex while playing Guitar Hero.

In fact my friend said "Do you two have sex to this?" to which I immediately said, rather apologetically, "Yes... Yes we do... Although we haven't quite figured out what's the best position yet."

Tags: Partners, Guitar Hero, Power Stance, Dumb Comments

Versions of Zidane's Headbutt

2006-07-14T10:09:00.000Z

Over a billion people all around the world watched the World Cup Final in Germany about a week ago. The highlight of the match for many (even though I missed it) was Zidane's now infamous headbutt on Marco Materrazzi, after Materrazzi allegedly provoked Zidane with some racial comments possibly involving his Mother or Sister. Personally I think the Italian deserved it and Zidane deserves a pat on the back.

But Zidane got sent off, Italy won the final and the event has become an internet phenomenon. Below are just a few samples of the many animated gifs flooding the internet that are incredibly funny. I've tried to give credit to whoever made the gifs, but it's hard to find out where they come from.

1. Final Fantasy Zidane
2. Zidane gets tackled - Taken from here, made by EPS
3. Mortal Kombat - Not sure where it's from, see here
4. Hyper Headbutt - Also not sure who made this
5. Vs the Deathstar

I love all the manga style hyper freakout headbutts, and there's a few of them around. It would've been excellent to see Zidane really lose it and totally destroy the Italian, but it was still an epic headbutt and if he'd gone too far he wouldn't be remembered as a great footballer, just a psycho. As it stands I'm sure this'll be forgotten in the long run and his career will shine through.

Zidane, Headbutt, World+Cup+Final, Dirty Cheating Italian Scum

Stag Night Activities

2006-07-13T14:06:00.000Z

Nowadays there are an incredible array of activities that a Stag can in indulge in before his wedding. Ranging from the classic lapdances, drink and drugs, all the way to bungee-jumping, weapons firing and spy training.

Stag Nights have moved on from the 90s, where getting laid on your 'last night of freedom' was the whole aim of the weekend. Today's husbands-to-be are more reserved and sophisticated, preferring life experiences and something beyond their normal lives. Below are my Top 5 activities for future Grooms:

1. Bobsleigh
2. Tank Driving
3. Getting very stoned in Amsterdam
4. Getting very very drunk anywhere
5. Having the craziest, wildest, dirtiest, kinkiest jungle fuck you can think of with two gorgeous Czech porn stars while two Swedish lesbians put on a show for you, simultaneously rubbing you in baby oil, a stripper dressed as a cheerleader rams a giant dildo up your ass, cheering you on, while a leather clad dominatrix pierces your nipples as a sexy Asian midget licks your balls*

If you have the money and organisational skills to pull that off then you pretty much have the right do whatever you want on your Stag Night. Bear in mind however, that your wife-to-be could be doing something similar, except with burly firefighters, huge African warriors and clowns on stilts juggling dildos.

*I tried to get donkey punching into this somewhere, but it just wouldn't fit!

Tags:Stag Night, Stag Do, Jungle Fuck, Kinky, Dirty

Pointless Animals

2006-07-06T13:33:00.000Z

Animals should all have a place in the world, even humans. I don't think we've really worked out our place yet, unfortunately God is already taken, so we'll have to find something else to aspire to. But all animals serve a purpose, there is a balance which is carefully maintained in nature.

Some animals seem to exist outside of this balance. These are the pointless animals, animals which serve no discernible purpose in nature. Below are my Top 5 most pointless animals:

1. Cats - Cats aren't that pointless, I just needed an extra animal.
2. Giant Pandas - What do they do? They're so lazy they don't even have sex.
3. Crane Fly (Daddy Long Legs) - Just try and get in your face during autumn.
4. Wasps - One of the most evil creatures in existence. They are completely pointless and do nothing except sting.
5. Box Jellyfish - THE most evil creature on the planet.

Box Jellyfish are just plain evil. They are responsible for the highest number of deaths of any marine creature in the world. Their tentacles can reach 3m and carry a huge amount of venom which causes an enormous amount of pain and can be fatal. And they don't do anything! They pretty much just float along in a little dreamworld, trailing their tentacles behind them and leaving a trail of death and destruction, very similar to women drivers.

Things I don't like about CSI

2006-07-05T10:44:00.000Z

I'm a CSI fan. I watch it every Tuesday at 9pm on Channel 5. It is then followed by CSI: Miami, which I sometimes watch but it's just not as good, it's kind of like a cheap Korean knock off of CSI. I like the New York version as well, but it's not shown as often. I've seen many many episodes and there are a few things which make me cringe, or smile, or scream in frustration while I claw at my eyeballs as if trying to remove by hand the atrocity I've just witnessed.

There isn't a lot to bitch about in CSI, which is why I'm a fan, but I've come up with the 5 things that annoy me about the shows the most:

1. The Software - I wish I had some of the miracle working software the CSIs use, it's amazing! How do any criminals escape this wondrous technology? Especially when you can get an image of a killer from the reflection in the victims eyeball from 20 metres away, using poor quality CCTV footage. Like I said, amazing!
2. The 'Key Evidence' - There's always a bug, or pollen, or dirt, or leaf that comes from something that just so happens to be located right next to the killers house, and it's the only one like it in the entire country.
3. The children - This is mainly from CSI: Miami, but there seems to be an awful lot of storylines involving children. I think this is mainly to do with Horatio's Hero complex.
4. Horatio Caine - I despise everything about this character and the actor who plays him.
5. Horatio Caine - Yes, he is that bad.

Expect a further post later on about how much I hate Horatio Caine. Or maybe I just hate David Caruso, he's not exactly a great actor, and I've never seen him play a different role. Someone needs to give him a serious kicking.

I would normally try and finish with something funny, but I can't help imagining Horatio dying a horrible, painful and prolonged acid bath related death. Well I found it funny anyway.

Tags: CSI, Horatio Caine, CSI: Miami, Rant