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Thursday, April 26, 2007 

Top 5 Types of Crap

That's right, a new low. I will today be discussing the many different types of shit people take. I feel that this a much ignored topic, even by blokes. Men tend to make comments when they come back from the toilet, but full on dump orientated conversations are fairly rare.

To start things off, here's a few definition's that I've come across during those rare moments when the topic of releasing the chocolate hostage arises:

1. The Ghost - You've pinched off a loaf, but when you go to wipe, there's nothing there.
2. The Neverending - No matter how many times you wipe, there's still more poop to remove.
3. The Shotgun - It comes out so quick with a bit of gas, leading to a lovely pebbledash effect on the bowl.
4. The Ring Burn - After eating spicy food, mainly curries, you get a nasty burn around your balloon knot.
5. The Guinness - The nastiest, blackest, most foul smelling turd made by man or beast.

Of course there's plenty more out there such as The Train, The Behemoth, and The Rollercoaster to name a few. A few friends of mine at university had a tally running in the toilet of their shared house. Every time someone went to drop the kids off at the pool you had to mark how it went on the chart. The chart was conveniently located on the back of the toilet door, with a pen taped to it.

The Guinness is an oft overlooked style of butt fudge. I became aware of it in the worst possible way I could imagine. The Wench's Dad was getting remarried, and I went on his stag night. During the course of the night out of sixteen of us, fifteen were drinking Guinness all night. We were all sleeping in the same house, sharing the same toilet. It was my bad luck to be one of the last to use the toilet the next morning. By that point the smell had become a living thing, solid and angry, looking for a way to take revenge for the abomination it had become. They found me unconscious in the hallway, after I'd managed to escape it I'd blacked out. Sometimes at night I can still hear the screaming...

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dont know if the behemoth is the same but at one time i suffered the indignity of a " bowling ball".the trouble with this one is it starts off incongruously and then slowly very slowly the full horror of its size becomes apparent you are thrown from a state of relaxation and morning grogginess into a state of high alert as it stretches you beyond human capacity your knees clutch together and you are forced sweating to bend forwards ..often emitting girlish yelps or in the worst situation actual screams of pain,your head is filled with visions of blood and stitches and your breath comes in ragged gulps before finally you reach the apex.this would normally be the point of relief the moment when you can relax but your exhausted sphincter still needs to jettison this load and it does so not in the soft splash technique we usually recognise even the relief of the drop is spoilt with this one its like a vitreous tsunami covering your aching drained arse in the vile water of filth the final slap in the face as it were the inhumanity of the toilet water douche! ... anyway there were no comments so had to ...sorry

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  • I'm Ugly Toy
  • From York, N Yorkshire, United Kingdom
  • I'm not that interesting, I just write here
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