Monday, January 29, 2007 

Top 5 Questions scientists can't answer

It's always interesting to find out exactly what we DON'T know. We're always being told things on TV and the Discovery Channel about things we've discovered, but not many people are brave enough to be vocal on everything we don't know about. Scientists give the impression they know everything, with their giant glasses, shiny white coats and bad hair, looking down on regular people with an air of disdain and smug arrogance.

So it's good to find out what we can throw back in their faces as examples of their stupidity. Here's my Top 5 things you can embarrass a smart ass with:

1. How does a fertilized egg become a human?
2. Why do we sleep?
3. Where did life come from?
4. How does the brain produce consciousness?
5. What is the universe made of?

These points are courtesy of Wired, who have a list of quite a few things we don't really know about. It seems bizarre to me that we're apparently so advanced, and yet we don't know how our brains work, or what makes up 96% of space, or even how life turned up in the first place.

It's at times like this that I actually start believing in a higher power, how else did we all get here? I can see the religious angle starting to become appealing. After all I'm a naturally lazy person, why would I consider working to find this stuff out when I can just say 'God did it'? Then I slap myself and remember that the scientists will get round to this once they've finished the important stuff, like making hoverboards, instant food cubes and life-like sex-bots.

Labels: , ,

Friday, January 26, 2007 

Top 5 Extra Bills I've had to pay recently

I like the idea of karma, most of the time. I'm not a bad person, I don't do bad things. In fact I like to think of myself as a nice person. I don't go out of my way to be awesome and do really good deeds, but if you dropped your wallet, I'd probably let you know as you were walking off, or I'd try and get it back to you.

Which is why I can't understand when a whole bunch of bad stuff ends up on me and the Wench all at once. What heinous murders or other wrongdoings must I have committed in a past life to be this unlucky? Here's my top 5 reasons for feeling done over by karma:

1. Late payment charge
2. Ground Rent
3. Maintenance Fee
4. MOT
5. Plumber's call out charge

The late payment charge was kind of our fault, the Wench has changed jobs, so we're a bit low on cash, and she became overdrawn on an account. The MOT is on our car which is only ours as our last one got written off in an accident that wasn't my fault (seriously, it was parked and I was at work in a different city), so we had to get a cheap replacement which now needs work to keep it going. The ground rent and maintenance fee are for our flat, WHICH WE OWN, so this is on top of our mortgage. We were led to believe this would be around £200 a year, but in reality it's over 3 times that amount.

Finally the plumbing charge. Our washing machine was fitted by the site manager of our flats as they were still being built as we moved in. He did it as a favour to save us some money. Later on the washing machine leaked as it had not been properly fitted. The resulting charge for the plumber was £130+ (around $260) for him to TIGHTEN SOME SCREWS! I don't know about you, but to me that seems like anal rape on an intergalactic scale. I hope karma rains down on that plumber for the rest of his life and it's about time some good shit started happening to us.

Labels: , , ,

Thursday, January 25, 2007 

Top 5 Reasons I don't like living in York

Yeah, you knew it had to be coming...

While York is a really nice place to live, it's not without it's downsides. It may be a city, but it's pretty small. While this is a plus point, after all, I don't like busy cities, it can be negative at times. It means that there's fewer jobs, and less room in the centre at busy times. Here's my top 5 reasons that I don't like living in York:

1. There's not many jobs in my sector so I have to work in Leeds
2. I hate the buses
3. I hate the trains
4. I hate the tourists
5. It's far away from all my old friends

I went to boarding school in south England, but York is in the north, making it hard to see my old friends. While I now have new friends I think it's a shame to be so far away from the mates I grew up with. We meet up a few times a year and try to keep in touch, but there can be a long time between visits.

The main things I hate about York have to do with travel, and mostly commuting. I'm new to the whole commuting thing, and it's not one of my favourite pastimes. I've done a few posts about this before, mainly whining about the buses and trains, if I worked in York this would be less of a problem.

Finally the tourists... Oh my god the tourists... It would be fine if there weren't so many of them and they weren't so stupid. It's great that your visiting and learning about our history, but could you not take up the whole street when I'm rushing to the bank with a huge hangover, sweating and tired on a freezing Saturday morning? Thanks.

Labels: , , , ,

Friday, January 19, 2007 

Top 5 Ideas for the Wench's Birthday

I'm usually pretty good at deciding on presents, I've come up with some really good ones in the past. The trouble is that the Wench's birthday is so close to Christmas, I've already used my good ideas a few weeks before. I normally ask for ideas as well, to try and get some creative juices oozing, but so far everything she's come up with has been delegated to other family members.

Even more unfortunate is the fact that I've left it so late to get her present this year, as her birthday is on Sunday. I better remember to at least get a card... Here's my top 5 ideas for presents so far.

1. A DS game - I got her one for Christmas and now all she plays is Solitaire.
2. A Wii game - She seemed very interested in Warioware Smooth Moves.
3. Money for clothes - A cop out, but I dare not buy them myself and she needs new work clothes.
4. Her Soul - I won it from her in a bet the other week.
5. A Slave 'Adopt' some home help - Possibly illegal, but the orphan would be so glad of the home they wouldn't tell anyone.

Not a great list, but I think some home help would be a great idea. That way we'd have so much more free time to spend together as well, we wouldn't have to do any laundry, washing up, cleaning, or changing our pets. I think we could leave teaching the orphan to cook until later, it's best not to get them too over qualified too quickly as they'd want to move out and get a job to earn some money of their own. That does sound like quite a commitment though, I know it sounds cute having an orphan of your own, but how long do they stay like that?

Labels: , , , , ,

Thursday, January 18, 2007 

Top 5 Reasons I hate the wind

Currently England is in the grip of Gale force winds. While these may not be the strongest winds in the world it's still really annoying weather. I find wind is my least favourite type of weather. Rain can be nice, and it's not going to kill you, and I love snow. But as soon as you add wind in to the mix everything sucks that little bit more. A downpour becomes a storm, snow becomes a blizzard, a sunny day becomes cold.

Generally wind is useless except for ruining your day. Here's my top 5 reasons why:

1. It serves hardly any purpose.
2. It can make any other kind of weather worse.
3. It's hell to drive in.
4. It can ruin the nicest day.
5. It means that somewhere else in the world it's hot.

Wind is the only truely life threatening weather, outside of freak occurences. It makes stuff fall out of the sky, it knocks down trees, powerlines and even houses. I'd rather drive in any other kind of weather than wind, even a literal rain of cats and dogs. I'd just turn my wipers on and head home as fast as possible, hoping my car would make it before being pummeled into submission by the falling animals. How long could a rain like that really last anyway?

Labels: , ,

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 

Top 5 Reasons I like living in York

When I was younger we moved around a lot. My Dad was in the military so we moved every 2 years. I've lived in a few different places in England, a few in Germany and even in Cyprus. I really liked moving around a lot, it never got boring, as I always got to see the best bits of wherever we went. As I went to boarding school as well it really made the holidays feel like holidays, as I was always somewhere new.

However as I got older I used to get bored not being at school. While I had school friends, I had few friends at home and hoped we could stay somewhere long enough for me to make some. My Dad's final posting was to York, and he liked the area so much we stayed here. Here's 5 reasons why I like York:

1. I'm not a city person, York is a city, but it's small
2. It's the longest I've ever lived anywhere
3. There's lots of history
4. My family is here
5. I have some very good friends here

As I've been in York for around 10 years now I've gotten to know it better than anywhere I've lived. I have some great friends and I see my family more. I love the history of York, after all it's the city New York wants to be when it grows up. Finally I've stayed somewhere longer than 2 years and it's nice to be able to say I'm from somewhere, whereas before I was just 'from all over' or, as I liked to say, I was omnipresent.

Labels: , , ,

Thursday, January 11, 2007 

Top 5 Reasons the Wench is growing Horns

This isn't some weird thing I'm just deciding to write about, the Wench is actually growing proper Horns. From her head! I'd provide photographic proof but she won't let me near her, especially as she's going through her blossoming, adolescent phase. Maybe when they're fully grown I can get her to show them off and get a picture.

In the meantime I can only guess as to why she's suddenly sprouting horns. Here are my Top 5 guesses:

1. She's really a faun, her legs will start to change once the horns stop growing.
2. A witch has cast a spell on her, cursing her for some insult.
3. She ate some magic/radioactive substance which is giving her superpowers.
4. The horns are a physical representation of her inherent evilness.
5. She's the daughter of the devil, transforming into her final form as her father's time draws near.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how big they get, it might help narrow down my options. They could be useful, like for driving off criminals in a dangerous situation. I think I could learn to live with them, provided I don't have to trim them for her. Of course they could just be two large symmetrical spots on either side of her forehead, which happened to cast large shadows on her skin under the spotlights in our kitchen, but I think she just wants me to think that.

Labels: , , , ,

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 

Top 5 Most Inappropriate Sex Aids

You always see in films (or porn) various items being used in sex games, or as sex toys. Such as that scene from 9 1/2 weeks in front of the fridge. Yeah, you know the one. Now there are some items around which could be very painful, or possibly embarrassing, to use as 'sex aids'.

I'm not sure where the idea for some of these came from, and I don't really want to either, but here's my top 5:

1. A Cactus - That's not going to be comfortable
2. Snot - I can't imagine a snot fetishist
3. A Laptop - With no porn on it
4. Schindler's List - Yes, the film
5. A Gun

I could've gone so many different ways with this heading... Like the most painful sex toys, or the stupidest, or the most unsexy. I thought a broader range of topic would help with the results. But really, a gun is always going to win. Your involving an object intended to end life in an act designed to create it, how inappropriate is that? Also technically any sex involving a gun could be construed as rape, or as a friend of mine likes to call it 'Surprise Sex'.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007 

Top 5 New Year's Resolutions

I'm finally back after the best Christmas ever. We had our own Christmas, our first one in our own apartment, without going to our parents. The Wench's brother also came and we all had a great time.

Normally I don't bother with resolutions, and if I do I seldom keep them. My resolution from last year I barely managed to pull off before the end of the year. But this year the Wench and I have joint resolutions and we even wrote them down. Here's my Top 5:

1. Do exercise 3 times a week
2. Finish my websites
3. Save for my tattoo
4. Get a new phone contract
5. Sort out my payrise at work

We have 12 shared in total, with a few extra each, most of them to do with saving money or getting exercise. I probably should've done a few more about cutting down on my absinthe binges and orgies, we are getting married next year after all. It's almost like I'm getting old, next thing I know I'll be suggesting that I don't use my superpowers for evil, as all the Heroes are starting to get annoying with their constant thwarting of my plans.

About me

  • I'm Ugly Toy
  • From York, N Yorkshire, United Kingdom
  • I'm not that interesting, I just write here
My profile | Email me

 Subscribe to this blog

Powered by FeedBurner

Urban Word of the Day

Blogs I Read

Add to Technorati Favorites Hot or Not

Humor blogs Top Blogs

Humor Blogs Humor Blogs

Humor Blogs - Blog Top Sites Top Humor blogs

British Blog Directory.

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

eXTReMe Tracker