Monday, October 30, 2006 

Top 5 Things I would tell my 12 year old self

This was a rather interesting question I read posted on ajooja, but which came from Certifiable Princess. CP's users had some very good things they'd tell their younger selves, just look in the comments.

There are rules to this as well, I can't give myself tips, like all the football results for the next 12 years, or tell me to buy shares in Google. Instead it should be something for me either to avoid, or to go for, to change or remove from my life so there would be no regrets.

Personally I've not had any great traumas in my life, but there a few small things I'd like to change:

1. Don't worry about sex, you get some soon. This would really help me relax.
2. When your girlfriend tells you she's pregnant ignore her, she's lying.
3. Curtains are not a good hair style. Would definately have helped me with the ladies at the time, in fact, I could just tell me to shave my head now and save the experimentation.
4. GCSEs are easy, A-Levels are hard, your degree is harder. Enjoy yourself more now, you'll appreciate it later. Also when your in the middle of your exams, half the bottle will be enough, just let it kick in and don't drink anymore.
5. Your a jock, reap the benefits.

If I could only pick one of these I think I would go for 5 4 5 4... 5. When I was at boarding school in England the 1st's XV rugby team was the equivalent of the high school american football team. The players got all the girls/cheerleaders, all the other kids looked up to them, no one messed with them, the teachers loved them and there was so much other stuff going on that I didn't know about!

I was clueless about this! I thought I was uncool, hanging out with the cool kids occasionally and feeling uncomfortable and out of place. I was shy and embarrassed around girls, little did I know I was amongst the stereotypical teenage school Gods, unaware of my mystical powers. I later found out from my now fiancee about the magic I wielded, unfortunately too late to use it for my own gain.

Thursday, October 19, 2006 

Top 5 Most Unconvincing Sex Acts

Since leaving university I've heard a number of phrases almost never used in everyday speech, and possibly completely fictional, as no evidence has ever been produced that these exercises have ever been actually performed, outside of celebrity sex tapes or violent porn.

My Top 5 most unlikely sex acts for anyone to actually want to perform, or have performed on them, are:

1. Dirty Sanchez
2. Arabian Goggles
3. Bucking Bronco
4. Angry Dragon
5. Donkey Punch

I think the average person is going to look at you with utter disgust if you told them what any of these are, and attempting them would be an act of extreme stupidity. I think the least offensive is probably the Arabian Goggles, as it could happen by accident if you had bizarrely huge balls. The rest were probably thought up by drunken idiots, trying to brag to their buddies about what's the shittiest thing they've ever done to a woman. If anyone you know claims to have done any of these incredibly dubious, improbable, possibly even implausible acts, then beat them with a steel bar till they can't move, then skullfuck them. Maybe they'll appreciate the irony of dying by a method that was previously fictional.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006 

Top 5 Slang Phrases

In a recent attempt by myself to appear more 'Street', 'Hip' and 'Down with the kids/my homies' I added an Urban Word of the day section to my sidebar. It's been quite enlightening and I've learned just how out of touch I've become from my peeps back in suburbia the ghetto.

At last I can end my clueless white existence and learn some proper phrases, used all the time, so I can keep it real. Here's my Top 5:

1. Pop a Cap
2. Shizzle
3. Word
4. Bling
5. Ghetto

I find most of the time that slang like this is mainly used by young white kids trying to be gangsta. Like that's even something to aim towards, being a gangster? Give me your bling, 'for I pop a cap in your ass foo'. The suburbs are not the ghetto. The ghetto isn't even the ghetto, if it was, it'd be walled off, patrolled by angry Nazis, everyone would be starving and people would get shot for leaving. Oh right, now I get the comparison. Word.

Friday, October 13, 2006 

Top 5 Worst Times to Fart

Farting is one of the things that guys have to do. It's rare that women will let one rip, but I don't mind when they do, unless theirs is worse than a blokes, in which case I will be incredibly hypocritical and mercilessly ridicule her.

I have cut the cheese at some really inappropriate times, and some just plain unfortunate times. Below are my Top 5 places you should never release an ass burp:

1. In an elevator - inclosed spaces kill
2. At a funeral - As disrespectful as it gets
3. In the shower - bizarrely this amplifies the smell beyond all reason
4. While receiving head - A guaranteed way to never get any again
5. A combination of the above

I think the ultimate would be floating an air biscuit in the shower while getting blown by your girlfriend. I think you would be praying for her to succumb to the fumes, before she realises what you've done and starts grinding her teeth and retching in disgust. Although if you could somehow manage to be in an elevator, at a funeral, in a shower getting sucked off, you could be excused for farting just for being in such an unlikely situation. An elevator with a shower? That's how I'm going to make my fortune right there.

Friday, October 06, 2006 

Top 5 Types of Mullet

After a little consideration I decided that just one post ridiculing mullets was not enough, so this post is also dedicated to the tragedy of the mullet.

Mullets come in many different types and to the descerning mulleteer there can be quite a distinction between the different styles, here are my Top 5:

1. Classic Mullet (Mulletus Normalus)
2. The Shaved Mullet (Shullet)
3. The Braided Mullet (Brullet)
4. The Spikey Mullet (Spullet)
5. Metal/Rock Mullet (Rollet)

There are dozens of subcategories of mullets and nothing would give me more pleasure than to chart them all in a giant tree diagram, except perhaps for being gangraped by herd of randy rhinos, in the middle of an acid bath.

Thursday, October 05, 2006 

Top 5 Worst Hairstyles

To clear things up: I shave my head. That's not so much a haircut as it is a lifestyle choice. I'm not saying I'm a Nazi or a Thug, but everyone just assumes I am. So my lifestyle now consists of convincing people I'm not going to mug them.

The plus sides of this is I spend approximately 1/378672927658th of a second doing my hair in the morning, I've spent £0 on haircuts over the last 7 years and I just need to shave it about every 6 weeks.

But I've still had my share of bad hairstyles, shaving my head is my way of protecting myself from my own stupidity. Here are some examples of how people can make themselves look stupid:

1. The Curtains
2. The Comb-Over
3. The Perm
4. The Emo
5. The Mullet

I am guilty of once having curtains. I have very thin hair, thinner than an anorexic crane fly, so it wasn't a good look for me. The massive undercut did not help things. I would post a picture but the horror can't be properly conveyed on a conventional monitor.

I despise Emo in all it's forms and you can spot an Emo from a mile away because of their distinctively fucked up hair. The picture above is a fine example of an emo hairstyle. If you are in any more doubt as to what I mean click on a random myspace page, chances are it's owned by one of the sad little self-harming twats.

However the Mullet, in all it's NASCAR watching, beer swilling, Jerry Springer worshipping, flag waving, truck driving, trailer park living, wife beating, inbreeding glory, is our true winner. The sad terrifying thing is, the mullet has been ridiculed for decades, but IT'S MAKING A COMEBACK!

About me

  • I'm Ugly Toy
  • From York, N Yorkshire, United Kingdom
  • I'm not that interesting, I just write here
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