Thursday, November 15, 2007 

Top 5 Chat Up Lines Gone Wrong

It's been quite a while since I've had to try and pull a girl. I've been with the Wench for so long it seems like forever (Eight years, I didn't forget, it was a joke! Not the face!), so I've not had much use for chat up lines. Of course before I met the Wench I never had to resort to such vulgar tactics, being the suave lady killer that I am.

Below are a few of the worst chat up lines I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. And when I say hearing I don't mean they were tried on me, otherwise I may very well have not been single when the Wench came around. Here they are:

1. Fat Penguin? (It breaks the ice!)
2. If you were snot I'd pick you first.
3. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
4. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
5. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I did in fact lie before. Not about being a debonair casanova, that was all true, but about never using a chat up line. In my extensive experience it's always best to get the object of your affections on your good side, and this may involve getting her to smile. Of course this requires a certain amount of guess work as to whether or not you'll get a positive response, and which line to use. Even the tried and tested 'Can I buy you a drink?' is a chat up line, so most men at some point have used a line.

I wouldn't recommend using any of the gems above, although a variation of the first featuring a chubby polar bear did get me a smile once. As far as the others are concerned it's probably best to be complementary, even if the line is so cheesy it's funny. I'd steer clear of offering to let a girl sniff a rag in your hand, rape humour is never popular, you'll probably end up getting maced, and let me tell you, that stuff stings!

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Tuesday, November 06, 2007 

Top 5 Reasons NOT to do NaNoWriMo

In case no one knows about it yet, I feel the need to point out that it is actually National Novel Writing Month (It should really be International, but whatever). I really should have said this before the month started, so if you wanted to you could join in, but I'm selfish like that, I didn't want you stealing my glory.

I've wanted to do this for a few years, so this year, despite not being any more prepared, or with more time than any other year, I took the plunge and signed up at Here's five reasons I shouldn't have done this:

1. It's 1,666 words a day, the number of the beast!
2. I hardly write in my blog.
3. I don't have a plot.
4. I'm as easily distracted as a chubber* at a buffet.
5. I can't actually write.

The basic premise is that you spew out 50,000 words in one month. It is an incredibly rough first draft that you can then do whatever you want with. Even if that is storing it away and calling yourself a writer for the rest of your life, which is what I plan to do. I'm struggling a little at the moment though, having just crossed the 4,000 word mark last night, while I'm supposed to be at around 10,000 by the end of the day. Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

To give you an idea of the sheer stupidity I've got myself involved in, and just how much of a plot I don't have, my book will feature: Angels, demons, rats in armour, skinned vikings, ghost Romans and possibly freaky dead orphans. Sounds great doesn't it? It's also not supposed to be a comedy, as it's intended for adults. An example of just how much I intended this to be for adults occurred in my first day of writing:

The Wench: "So what's happening now?"
Me: "Well, my main character is a girl who's just about to be raped in a mental hospital."

I'll let you all know when I get it published!

*After searching Urban Dictionary for known meanings of 'chubber' I thought I should point out I'm not talking about a hardening penis, but am in fact referring to a fat person. That's another of those UK-US mix ups like what you call 'chocolate' we call 'inedible swill'.

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About me

  • I'm Ugly Toy
  • From York, N Yorkshire, United Kingdom
  • I'm not that interesting, I just write here
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