Tuesday, February 28, 2006 

Top 5 LSN Races

Yeah, I had to post about this sooner or later. I play Laser Squad Nemesis so much it's ridiculous, it's my most played game of all time, and would be in any Top 5 of games I care to make, even something like, 'Games with most potential for Porn' or 'Games most likely to make you popular'. Wow, theres two future Top 5s right there...

Although I think this is the 8357 64m3 3v4r! (translate that if you can) it is horendously addictive, and while it is a game you have to pay for (not a lot) playing online is where it's at. You can even play it at work! I have been for over 2 years! So consider this an introduction:

1. Marines
2. Greys
3. Spawn
4. Machina
5. Laser Squids

The races have become gradually more balanced over the years, with the Spawn and the Greys being the newest races, delivered in that order. The game is still being developed, with new bits being tacked on whenever Julian Gollop (the creator of X-Com and UFO) can get around to it.

Oh yeah, and the Laser Squids aren't really a race

Monday, February 27, 2006 

Top 5 Celebrities I'd like to sleep with

After carefully vetoing the rule 'Rock Stars don't count' rule with my girlfriend this weekend, on account of the fact that most Rock Stars are male, and "Hit me baby one more time" does not count as a Rock Song, we've since discussed our '5 Celebrity Freebie Fuck List'.

Everyone should know what this list is. It's kind of a 'Get out of Jail free card' where your girlfriend is not allowed to kill you if (should the conditions be right and the planets be aligned properly) you sleep with one of the celebrities on your list. I believe this became general knowledge after a particular episode of Friends.

Generally the rule is that you are allowed a list of 5 celebrities that you would be allowed to sleep with. In order to get on the list you must have agreed with your partner about the celebrity's level of fame. For example they must be famous enough to make them reasonably unattainable, you can't just say "that fine looking girl who works in the brothel down the road, well she's known all over Leeds for her blowjobs". That sort of thing doesnt count, they must at least be nationally known, or well known enough to appear in Heat magazine or some other similarly shite waiting room fodder. So after a small bit of debate:

1. Scarlett Johansson
2. Jessica Alba
3. Pamela Anderson
4. Rachel Stevens
5. Michelle Marsh

I've also taken Lucy Pinder as a backup, should on of the girls on my list die, or I meet her first.

I'm well aware of the fact I stand absolutely no chance with the first three girls on the list (despite Scarlett Johansson claiming she doesn't believe in monogamy), and only a snowballs chance in the blast furnace of a molten lava factory in Hell of shagging the last two on the list. But I can dream can't I?

**I reserve the right to alter this list should I encounter anyone famous and reasonably good looking, who just can't wait to shag me**

Friday, February 24, 2006 

Top 5 Types of Excercise

Now I don't consider myself a particularly active person, I mean I write a blog for fucks sake. Well that's not to say all people who write blogs are lazy, you may have an excercise blog, or a sex blog, or... anyway, I am not a particularly active person. But recently I've made the effort to try and get to a gym, as my expanding stomach has somewhat lowered my opinion of myself. So in an effort to become the next Ah-nold, I partake in the following excercise:

1. Running
2. Cycling
3. Cross training
4. Weights
5. Cock Push-ups

For those of you who have no idea what Cock Push-ups are, first of all, be sure to visit the link, then go and buy Tenacious D the album. The band is absolutely amazing, the Greatest Band In The World. They will rock your socks off and leave you lying in a pool of your own sweat, vomit and urine. Seriously.

Thursday, February 23, 2006 

Top 5 Things you'd like after a Natural Disaster

I've never been in a huge natural disaster before, but I've felt 2 earthquakes and nearly got blown over by a very strong wind, does that count? Seriously the wind was really strong, it took down a massive tree outside my school, it could've been that hurricane which was supposed in Britain a few years ago.

Anyway if you were in a huge national disaster like a 9.5 on the Richter Scale Earthquake, or a 40ft high tidal wave, theres certain things you'd like afterwards:

1. Tinned Food
2. Fresh Water
3. Blankets
4. Someone you don't know asking their imaginary friend for help
5. A Good Doctor, a clean operating theatre and a large needle filled with Morphine

What I don't get is when people in different countries say "What can I do to help?", and instead of saying, "give money", or "kidnap a Doctor and transport him over there", they instead say "Pray". Yeah, right. Prayer is what you'd really need isn't it? Not supplies, or well trained staff, or a new house, prayer will tide you over.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 

Top 5 Gay Movies

After hearing all this rubbish stuff about the new Gay Cowboy movie, Brokeback Mountain, I thought I'd post about a few other well known gay movies. Some of them are well known, a few others are only hinted at, but you should know them all

1. Brokeback Mountain
2. Spartacus
3. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
4. Top Gun
5. Showgirls

OK, so 1 and 2 are pretty standard, and Priscilla pretty much smacks you in the face and then holds you down while pouring acid into your eyes with it's gayness, but it's a good film. Top Gun is an often over looked gay film, but if you look at it without thinking 'Awww, pretty planes' you'll get what everyone else sees, the steamy showers, the sweaty topless volleyball, the longing looks of forbidden love. Watch the video clip, it's all there.

And as for Showgirls. Please. Whoever thinks that's sexy is just trying too hard to hide something.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 

Top 5 Perks of being ill

Yeah, unfortunately I've been ill since last Tuesday, which will go some way to explaining why I havent posted anything for a week. But now I'm back at work and grafting away, earning my way like any decent man. Couldn't I just have a few more days?

1. Missing work
2. Not getting out of bed
3. Catching up on my DVD list
4. Getting sympathy from my girlfriend
5. Being able to masturbate whenever and wherever I want

The last one is rather more of a treat than it may seem, as I hardly get anytime to myself anymore, what with having a girlfriend who lives with me now. And she isn't gonna touch me in this condition, which leaves only one option...

Monday, February 20, 2006 

Top 5 Funny things about Porn

There are few things funnier than watching some really bad porn. As a teenager I used to sit around in the dorm with my friends and watch porn, if we had it. Occasionally there would be some pillow moments, to avoid embarresment, or you'd have to leave to 'be alone' for a while, but generally the film was incredibly bad. Many an hour was spent laughing at hilarious sex, but the funniest bits were always:

1. The 'Acting' and 'Story'
2. The Film Names
3. Pornstar Names
4. The bizarre amount of fetishes
5. People who have learned all they know about sex from porn

Last weekend a friend of mine showed me a clip he had on his phone, it was only short. It featured a man shagging a woman doggy style over a toilet, bit of a bizarre setting, but whatever. So he's getting faster and taps her shoulder to signal he's ready for the big finale, so she flushes the toilet... (can you see where this is going?) ...then sticks her head in the toilet! While it's flushing! The guy then pulls out and she sits back and you get the final shot, but I never saw that bit, even after the 6th time of watching it. I couldn't stop laughing, it's the funniest shit I'd ever seen!

Monday, February 13, 2006 

Top 5 Problems with Intelligent Design

That's right, time to get political on your asses. Well it's more scientifical, but I'm sure that's not a word. Anyway, contrary to popular belief it seems that the Bible really is a work of Fiction, it turns out it has just been put in the wrong section of the library all these years. In fact, there is even actual evidence to back this claim up:

1. Carbon Dating
2. Fossils
3. Stupidity
4. Dinosaurs
5. The Flying Spaghetti Monster

So Game Over Creationists, without any more proof than 'God's fucking with you', I don't think that theory really needs to be taught in schools. I mean how easy are those tests going to be? The answer for everything could just be 'God did it that way, because he thought it was cool', and that's not going to get anyone a job is it? Except as a priest or something, and who wants to do that really?

Friday, February 10, 2006 

Top 5 Stuff I hate about buying a House

I'm a first time buyer, and my girlfriend fiancee and I are buying an apartment together. It's very nice, quite large, in a nice area of York, close to public transport and handled by a bunch of idiots. It's unbelievable how people can't even spell her name! Vivca Vivika Vizika Vivien? No you dumbasses.

I've also discovered the curious and amazing world of Hidden Charges. Most of them we didn't even get told about until suddenly they needed paying. I'm sure some of them are made up:

1. Conveyancy Fees
2. Valuation Fees
3. Arrangement Fees
4. Imaginary Fees
5. Massive Rape Fees

That's right, MASSIVE RAPE FEES. We literally have no money, that's why we're doing a first-time buyer deal in the first place. You'd think they'd realise this. We're pretty sure most of it is them fucking up, but in the end we're probably going to get blamed for not signing on time after having to get the contract changed 500 million times.

Thursday, February 09, 2006 

Top 5 Things you wouldn't do on your last day alive

We're constantly being told by a variety of sources that we should be living each day as if it's our last. If this is true, we should all be out getting drunk, having sex with whoever we meet on the street, doing drugs and lighting our farts. We wouldn't be:

1. Doing our laundry.
2. Doing our washing up.
3. Cleaning our houses.
4. Going to work.
5. Using birth control

But then if that was true, we'd have no money, no clean clothes, nothing to eat and nothing to eat off, our houses would be full of crap and all have about 8 kids by women we didn't know. And we'd all die of Aids!

The morale of this is that don't listen to every piece of advise you hear, they're not always thought through properly.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006 

Top 5 Derogatory Report Comments

I love the genius found in normal people and the wit someone can conjur out of nowhere when faced with a person they totally dislike:

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. I would not breed from this person.
5. Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

I especially like the last one. I've personally never felt enough pressure, or been scared enough, that I've actually pissed myself. I've some close a few times, but short of going bungee jumping only to hear "WAIT! It's not tied on!" as I plummet to a suspected death, I'd like to think I could control myself. We'll see, some of my friends may consider that a challenge...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 

Top 5 Things About My Mind

I'm not so sure where this came from, in fact I was previously thinking about doing something related to Cartoons, but there you go.

1. It can find the humour in any situation
2. It's just twisted enough to be considered entertaining and mildly un-PC,
3. While being smart enough not to be thought of as an insensitive weirdo
4. It can stand up to the regular intoxicants I subject it to
5. It has perfect recall from my extensive Wank Bank

The mind is a wonderful thing, as is your imagination, but you're never sure if they're the same thing. I prefer to think of my mind as a huge database, with my imagination being the frontend stuck on so I can access my mind. To take that metaphor a little to far, I could call my imagination the monitor on which I watch the porn stored in my mind.

Monday, February 06, 2006 

Top 5 Problems with Giant Animals

After seeing this, I thought, what a great thing that is! A giant Rabbit! I wish I could have one! Then I thought about it a bit and came up with a list of problems that could occur when dealing with Giant Animals:

1. If they cocked their leg against your house, they'd probably knock it down.
2. Heroes would come from miles around to slay your pet.
3. The food bill would be enourmous.
4. It would probably kill any neighbourhood pets it tried to mate with.
5. The military or government would inevitably get involved to try and kill your pet.

After taking all these points into consideration I just dont think I could handle the emotional rollercoaster of having a Giant Pet. I mean, they always end up dead or causing huge amounts of damage, which will in turn probably lead to them being dead. I don't think I could invest that much love into something that's inevitably going to get hunted down and killed. I suppose I could just raise will it's small and cute, then flush it down the toilet.

Friday, February 03, 2006 

Top 5 Things I Hate about Outer Space

1. There's not a lot in it, relatively speaking
2. It's kind of hard to breath
3. It gets pretty cold
4. The lack of Services
5. It takes ages to drive anywhere

This may be my first post, but I thought I'd start off with a big one, and what's bigger than Space really? I've finally found something I can speak about, namely anything and everything. I'm going to try and update this blog as much as possible and hopefully make it a bit more stylish and individual, but at least this template is a good place to start.

Now, to make a name for myself...

About me

  • I'm Ugly Toy
  • From York, N Yorkshire, United Kingdom
  • I'm not that interesting, I just write here
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