Friday, April 28, 2006 

Top 5 Seeing Eye Animals

Awwwwww, look at the puppy! --->

In the UK we call these animals 'Blind' animals, like 'Blind Dog', as it's essentially a blind person's dog. It in no way implies that the animal in question is blind. However in the US they felt the need to clarify this, for political correctness or whatever, or maybe there are so many dumb American's they figured it really was a blind animal. Anyway, they renamed them to be 'Seeing Eye' animals. Now I can understand 'Eye Dog' or whatever but this obviously caused a bit too much confusion as well.

"WHAT?!? It's an EYE! But it's a DOG?!? That's just SICK!!"

Once again I don't see how calling it a 'Seeing Eye' animal makes it better, it just implies that the huge grotesque Eye Dog can see you as well! Here's my Top 5 'Seeing Eye' animals:

1. Seeing Eye Dog
2. Seeing Eye Horse
3. Seeing Eye Pig
4. Seeing Eye Cat
5. All Seeing Eye Dog

Thinking about it I suspect that 'Guide' animals would be better all round to avoid confusion.

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Thursday, April 27, 2006 

Top 5 Passive-Aggressive Statements

I hate passive-aggressivity (I know it's not a word). Even though I'm guilty of it myself. Everyone's a little passive-aggressive, just like everyone's a little gay. But some people take passive-aggressiveness (henceforth referred to as PA) to new levels. I find women are especially good at being PA, I think this is probably handed down from Mother to Daughter, as wives are the masters of PAness. My girlfriends Mum has PA down to an art, even to the point where she was just PA towards everyone and everything, no matter who's fault the wrong that had been done to her was.

This may seem targetted at women but once again I'll say that I'm not blame free when it comes to PA. I've committed my fair share of PAness, and I've even encouraged my girlfriend to be PA at work, mainly because it gets done to her and I want her to get her own back but not get in trouble for it. Which is where PA mainly comes from.

However, all the good examples are mainly from girlfriends, or sulky boyfriends. Here's my Top 5:

1. "That's OK, I didn't want [Insert object of desire here] anyway
2. "Go on, go with your friends and have fun. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine"
3. "Guess I'm not doing [Insert their preferred activity here] then!"
4. "I'll do [Insert thing you want you her to do], when you do [insert thing you had no idea they wanted done, and they haven't mentioned before for 2 months] and [insert something they may have mentioned in passing over a year ago].
5. "No, nothing's wrong".

All of these statements, except four, are usually followed by about a week of silence, no sex, bad dinners, dirty looks and subtle revenge. Or in the case of men, inadequately done jobs, stomping, whining or sulky silence only broken by the occasional sarcastic comment.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006 

Top 5 Stupid Celebrity Couple Nicknames

I fucking hate celebrity magazines. Anything that tells me the intimate details of a stars life is the lowest of the low as far as I'm concerned. I don't care how much weight they're losing, what they're eating, how many kids they're having or how their relationships are getting on. They earn millions, I will likely never see them up close or talk to them, I don't know them personally, so why do I need to know these stupid and mundane facts about the smallest possible details of their lives?

The only celebrity magazine I'm even remotely interested in is Playboy, for exactly the same reason that I own a copy of Wild Things and have it set on 42mins. So most of the useless drivel about celebrities I don't need to know especially there excessively stupid nicknames given them by tabloids and glossy magazines. Heres my personaly Top 5:

1. Brangelina
2. TomKat
3. Bennifer
4. Garfleck
5. Beyonc-Z

I love the picture of TomKat, she looks like she's about to eat his head, after all she's mated with him now, isn't that what insects do?

I actually made up the last one myself, I'm rather proud of it actually, apart from you have to use the american 'Zee' instead of the english 'Zed' to get it to sound right. Even though if his name was Jay-Zed it'd sound even dumber. I could be a media vulture as well! "TomKat eats own head!", "Ben Affleck keeps a girlfriend!", "J-Lo not getting married!", "Jessica Alba poses for Playboy!"... I can but dream...

Friday, April 21, 2006 

Top 5 Internet Scam Emails

I absolutely hate spam, it once was the bane of my life, but since I've learned to mostly ignore my emails and except Hotmails crap junk mail filtering. It still amazes me how many people really believe these things, like the ones which tell you to send it to 20 people then you'll "see something cool", or you'll "have good luck forever and ever" or the classic "your wish will come true!". Even my girlfriend, who I have educated in the various styles of Spam, still forwards the shit to me "just in case". Just in case what? The cat really will die? The petition really will get sent to the Australian Government? I don't think so, that email is AT LEAST 4 years old, and you've already signed it twice!

Here are my Top 5 Internet Scam Emails:

1. The GI Joe Email - An email was circled of a US Soldier, apparently being held hostage by his own gun. After it had been reported on the news it turned out it was just a GI Joe doll.
2. Boycott the Petrol Companies - I've had a few of these emails, always for one particular day, even though you'd just fill up the next day. I'm sure the companies felt the pinch.
3. Bill Gates will give you money - I am constantly pissed off with this email, as I am repeatedly sent it. Bill Gates will not give you money, neither will I. I may injure you though, if I get another.
4. Dihydrogen monoxide kills - This email went round, pointing people to a website campaining against dihydrogen monoxide, or water as it's more commonly known.
5. Bonsai Kittens - I remember getting this email and finding it hilarious. Kittens raised in Mason jars to be miniature weirdly shaped cats, brilliant! Apparently someone actually took this seriously and the FBI got involved, along with a few animal rights nutters. Some people just have no sense of humour, or intelligence.

I'd love a Bonsai Kitten! It'd be so cute limping and dragging it's deformed body around my kitchen, mewing pitifully. Maybe I could give it some dihydrogen monoxide to put it out of it's misery...

Thursday, April 20, 2006 

Top 5 Ways to not get work done

I've found myself quite unmotivated at work. It's something I'm forcing myself out of and my work rate is steadily increasing, but I should be doing more. I used to have the same problem at uni and I narrowed the cause down mainly to being lazy... I mean lazy and connected to the internet.

The internet is a giant distraction. It's filled with people just trying to waste time, be it yours or theirs. I quickly discovered the main ways to avoid doing any work:

1. Check your emails
2. Frequent Forums
3. Read Blogs
4. Own a blog
5. Be unemployed

All of these are enough to fill your day with nothing. Just develop a routine, and you can be stuck in a loop, check emails, check forums, check blogs, post to blog, rinse, repeat. That alone is enough to fill your day if you have enough forums or blogs. Like I said I've been trying to cut down, especially as my work is suffering. But the final reason, being unemployed, means you have no work to do! It's amazing! I was unemployed for a while, it meant I got to play games all day and sit around at home, getting lots of rest and entertainment. If I'm not careful I may end up back there!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 

Top 5 Talking Ducks

I'm feeling a little guilty about having a Thai Duck Green Curry, or a Green Thai Duck Curry, or a Green Duck Thai Curry... Anyway, I ate duck on the weekend and I like ducks, so I want to make up for it by pointing out some famous ducks and highlighting their wonderful achievements.

1. Donald Duck
2. Daffy Duck
3. Count Duckula
4. Howard the Duck
5. The Mighty Ducks

Most of these ducks are well known and famous, Donald is obviously from Disney, Daffy from Warner Brothers. I'm not sure how well known Count Duckula is, I used to watch the cartoon and thought he should get a mention. Howard the Duck was a terrible film and the duck is, quite frankly, a little scary. But he talks, so that's good enough for me.

To be honest the odd ones out on this list are the mighty ducks, I mean, I'm not sure if any of them can actually talk...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006 

Top 5 Funniest O-Faces

Following on from a few topics over at Ken and Ariel, firstly about BJ-faces, then a competition between BJ- and Vag-faces and finally what I consider to be the best face, and true window to the soul, the O-face, I have decided to continue the debate here.

As far as I'm concerned the term 'O-face' originated from Office Space, see also the picture in the post, a true classic film moment. Until I'd seen that film it was simply, your 'cumming face', or 'that face you make when your getting the vinegar shakes'.

Below are a few examples of some truely funny O-faces:

1. The Faker
2. The Gurner
3. The Constapated
4. The Screamer
5. The 'I don't think I can see you anymore'

Personally I think theres nothing better than your girlfriend's O-face, that moment when she's coming and shaking, looking like someone is scrapping the skin off her back with a red hot rake, while she's trying to shit out something resembling a fullsize bouncy castle, just as she starts to have a mild epileptic fit. Then you tell the guy to get off her and she starts looking at you like your smelliest thing she's stepped in for years. But you've already seen the face, so you've won.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 

Top 5 Dating Myths

After reading many many magazines, viewing many TV programs and films, and reading many many blogs, I've decided it should be my duty to tell people the truth about dating in general. There are all kinds of comments and generalisations thrown around, and to be quite honest I've got points of view from both sides. I can see why some women hate men, and some men hate women, but it's the generalisations that I have issues with.

To get us started heres a list of the Top 5 most problematic myths about modern dating:

1. All guys are assholes/idiots/stupid/selfish/insensitive
2. All women are bitches/sluts/selfish/stupid/mental
3. That ANYONE knows what they want
4. There is someone out there who is perfect for you
5. Your first time will be magical

One and two are generalisations. Generalisations are not good things, sometimes they are, like 'Any sex is good sex', or 'You could never look ugly' to your girlfriend, but most of the time generalising is bad, and I hate it. Especially when it applies to men. After all, I'm a man and I don't like being talked about like that, when I've done nothing wrong. I assume the same is true about women from the reactions I've seen when such comments are made in their direction. After all they always bitch and moan about guys treating them badly, to their nice guy friends, who got turned down by them, because they're 'friends' now. Men get kicked as often as women, they're just not as vocal about it.

Three is true for so many reasons. Women don't know what they want, everyone knows this. Hence the well known quote "A woman will spend years searching for the perfect man, then the rest of her life trying to change him". But the same is true of men. This leads us to point number four. No one has a perfect match, the fact that no one knows what they're really after doesn't help matters. This is where a magical word comes from: 'Compromise'. You will never get on with a partner all the time, everyone is annoying is some way, no matter how small. Get over yourself, deal with it. No matter how charming Prince Charming, he's going to have some flaws. No one is perfect.

The final point is mainly aimed at younger people. Those who haven't had sex yet. Here's some advice. Your first time will be memorable, it will not be magical. What kind of memories they are, are up to you. You can hold out for Mr or Mrs Right all you want to, but your building yourself up for a fall. I think I have met two women in my entire life who have actually enjoyed their first time, it is an extremely rare occurence. I feel this is mostly to do with children not being told the truth. It will probably hurt (for girls), it will probably not be with someone who is experienced either, it will not be good sex, it probably won't last very long, it will be clumsy, it will be uncomfortable and you probably will not orgasm if your a girl. Don't wait for the 'Perfect' time, wait for a decent time, don't wait for a 'Perfect' partner, wait for decent one. At least if you make it nice, you won't regret it, and you won't be emotionally scarred for life like so many girls.

My first time was nice, it wasn't great, I wasn't expecting it to be, so I wasn't let down. It was in a nice place, with a nice girl, who also didn't regret it later. We got better later on as well. More than anything, it was nice to get the first time out of the way, so I could concentrate on getting better.

Monday, April 10, 2006 

Top 5 Songs from Guitar Hero

I'm going to get killed by someone if I don't shut up about this game! I just made a big post about it on my other blog over here, ranting about how ace it is and how great you feel, and how everyone loves it. I could have written out the whole song list and gone into detail about how hard they are. I could go on about the features which make you feel like your playing guitar, like the chords, scales, whammy bar and strum button, but instead I'll just list my 5 favourite songs from the game:

1. More than a feeling
2. Ace of Spades
3. Cowboys from Hell
4. I love Rock n' Roll
5. Fat Lip

All of these songs except for 'I Love Rock n' Roll' and 'More than a feeling' are actually really hard to play. Those two are just cool songs and you feel good when your playing them. The other 3 make me feel like I could fill my pants at any moment with a mixture of bodily fluids and still feel excellent, as you really do feel like a Guitar Hero.

Me and some friends where working our way through career mode to unlock the songs, we got to a certain level, where we had to complete either 'No One Knows' by Queens of the Stone Age, or 'Crossroads' by Cream. No one could finish either of them, then Viv stepped up. Viv doesnt have the best rhythm, and isnt great at games, but after 3 other people had failed miserably at the song, she managed to get the end of 'No One Knows'. We cheered, we hugged her, she nearly started crying. That's what this game does.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006 

Top 5 Things that make you a Chav

For those of you without the benefits of living of the UK (Free health service, beautiful weather) I will explain exactly what comes with them, the disadvantages. In this case Chavs. Chavs are officially the lowest form of life on earth, they are the trailer trash of the UK, and proud of it. Here are a few pointers when trying to spot a Chav, if they have 2 or more of these characteristics, they're a Chav:

1. Sportswear - Most Chavs wear a lot of sportswear, mainly tracksuits (tucked into their socks, black socks are the worst), polo shirts, baseball caps, hoodies, trainers (Nike Shoxx preferably) and stuff like that. All their clothes appear to be designer, but are probably rip-offs. Popular Chav brands include: Nike, addidas, Reebok, Kappa, Ellesse, Von Dutch, Burberry.
2. Jewelry - Chavs like bling, and pretending to have lots of money. They wear massive gold chains, bad replica watches, sovereign rings and MASSIVE hoop earrings, all normally purchased from Argos. The bigger and more ridiculous the jewelry, the bigger the Chav.
3. Music - Male Chavs favour Rap, while females prefer R&B, but both sexes like dance music, but it must be mindless and repetitive, such as House, Trance, Drum & Bass or something similar. The faster and louder the better, all the better to cook their tiny minds with.
4. Cars - Chavs MUST purchase a car as soon as they are old enough (driving license and insurance optional). This means it will be old and shit as they have very little money. They solve this by modding their cars, first come alloys, then a terrible bodykit, the more deformed the car looks the better. Then a bigger exhaust, a beer keg cut in half is normally too small. Finally a large sound system, so that the bass can shatter nearby windows while playing their favourite Trance track at full volume.
5. Accent/Speech - Chavs can't speak, they can't write either. They say things like 'innit', 'know what I mean' or try and impersonate a black accent, like the famous radio DJ and wigga Tim Westwood. They normally have a terrible accent like Scouse or Cockney.

There are a few other hints which can help you identify a Chav, but if they have 2 or more of the above characteristics, your pretty much guaranteed that they are a Chav. Famous Chavs include: Jordan, David & Victoria Beckham, Melanie C (Spice Girls) and Mike Skinner (The Streets).

Tuesday, April 04, 2006 

Top 5 Names for Cars

A lot of people name their cars, I find when I name mine it gives me something to talk to on long journeys, or yell abuse at if something fucks up. I've had a couple of cars now, unfortunately, and they've all had names of their own. It took me and my mate a while to name our first one. We gave it a girls name, I can't remember the name now, even though it wasn't that long ago, we didn't use it much.

My second car, the Renault Laguna, used to belong to my Dad, we called it Kit then, not because it looked cool, but because it talked to you when did stuff wrong. I had to rename it when I got it, and it took a while eventually I decided on Andretti. A bit gay, but the cars number plate had NDET in it, so I got aNDrETti out of it. Simple eh? We ended up calling him Andy for short.

After his recent accident and retirement we got a new car whose number plate has RSLF, so obviously he's called RALF. Not really popular car names, but here are a few popular ones:

1. The Batmobile
2. Herbie
3. P.O.S.
4. Tank
5. Shagwagon

I don't think I could bring myself to call a car any of those. Although we used to call Andy a Tank, his diesel engine was well screwed, he sounded like one. A few other interesting nicknames, my mum had a VW Beetle called Herman in Germany, and my mate has a Nissan Sunny called the Silver Bullet. I bet he can't wait to get rid of it!

About me

  • I'm Ugly Toy
  • From York, N Yorkshire, United Kingdom
  • I'm not that interesting, I just write here
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