I'm going to Hell

Happy Valentines Day! Yeah! Can anyone tell me what St Valentine did? No you can't! Because no one knows. And I don't just mean a general no one, I mean literally no one knows. However I'm pretty sure whatever they were martyred for does not include giving out flowers, cards and chocolate.

As I don't really like Valentine's Day I won't be talking much about it. I will however be getting the Wench something, or else I'm in trouble, not that she ever gets in trouble for not getting me anything, but I'm wondering off the point. The topic today will instead be about pants, as we call them, or underwear for the Americans in the audience. My Top 5 types of undergarments are:

1. Pants (The traditional tighty whiteys, in case you think I mean trousers)
2. Boxers
3. Thongs
4. Lingerie
5. None

I gave up wearing pants quite a while ago, at some point boxers just became more comfortable, plus they were less embarrassing, like wearing swimming shorts instead of speedos.

Thongs are brilliant, and I'm not talking about banana hammocks, and I'm not saying that I wear them. But aren't they great? Who ever invented thongs should win a nobel prize. I'm not sure which category it'd be in though, maybe peace, but also possibly physics or medicine... banishing the VPL should certainly be worthy of something. On the topic the Wench should win some kind of prize, as pretty much all her underwear consists of thongs, and that's why I love her!

Lingerie is a gift from the gods. Is there anything better than lingerie? And it's so comfortable... Although every one knows you can always trump lingerie by simply going commando.

Labels: fun, nice, presents, religion, shame, underwear, valentines, wench

In case no one knows about it yet, I feel the need to point out that it is actually National Novel Writing Month (It should really be International, but whatever). I really should have said this before the month started, so if you wanted to you could join in, but I'm selfish like that, I didn't want you stealing my glory.

I've wanted to do this for a few years, so this year, despite not being any more prepared, or with more time than any other year, I took the plunge and signed up at NaNoWriMo.org. Here's five reasons I shouldn't have done this:

1. It's 1,666 words a day, the number of the beast!
2. I hardly write in my blog.
3. I don't have a plot.
4. I'm as easily distracted as a chubber* at a buffet.
5. I can't actually write.

The basic premise is that you spew out 50,000 words in one month. It is an incredibly rough first draft that you can then do whatever you want with. Even if that is storing it away and calling yourself a writer for the rest of your life, which is what I plan to do. I'm struggling a little at the moment though, having just crossed the 4,000 word mark last night, while I'm supposed to be at around 10,000 by the end of the day. Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

To give you an idea of the sheer stupidity I've got myself involved in, and just how much of a plot I don't have, my book will feature: Angels, demons, rats in armour, skinned vikings, ghost Romans and possibly freaky dead orphans. Sounds great doesn't it? It's also not supposed to be a comedy, as it's intended for adults. An example of just how much I intended this to be for adults occurred in my first day of writing:

The Wench: "So what's happening now?"
Me: "Well, my main character is a girl who's just about to be raped in a mental hospital."

I'll let you all know when I get it published!

*After searching Urban Dictionary for known meanings of 'chubber' I thought I should point out I'm not talking about a hardening penis, but am in fact referring to a fat person. That's another of those UK-US mix ups like what you call 'chocolate' we call 'inedible swill'.

Labels: NaNoWriMo, orphan, Rats, religion, stupidity, UK, US, wench, writing

It's always interesting to find out exactly what we DON'T know. We're always being told things on TV and the Discovery Channel about things we've discovered, but not many people are brave enough to be vocal on everything we don't know about. Scientists give the impression they know everything, with their giant glasses, shiny white coats and bad hair, looking down on regular people with an air of disdain and smug arrogance.

So it's good to find out what we can throw back in their faces as examples of their stupidity. Here's my Top 5 things you can embarrass a smart ass with:

1. How does a fertilized egg become a human?
2. Why do we sleep?
3. Where did life come from?
4. How does the brain produce consciousness?
5. What is the universe made of?

These points are courtesy of Wired, who have a list of quite a few things we don't really know about. It seems bizarre to me that we're apparently so advanced, and yet we don't know how our brains work, or what makes up 96% of space, or even how life turned up in the first place.

It's at times like this that I actually start believing in a higher power, how else did we all get here? I can see the religious angle starting to become appealing. After all I'm a naturally lazy person, why would I consider working to find this stuff out when I can just say 'God did it'? Then I slap myself and remember that the scientists will get round to this once they've finished the important stuff, like making hoverboards, instant food cubes and life-like sex-bots.

Labels: religion, science, stupidity