I'm going to Hell

Have you ever wished for a flying car? I know I have. But just give it a bit of thought, how great would flying cars really be? There would have to be so much associated technology developed along with it to even make it feasible as a mode of transport. Not to mention the fact that you'd have to find a method of propulsion smaller and safer than blades of metal spinning around at head height.

Here's five problems with the idea I came up with off the top of my head:

1. Fuel expense
2. Lack of suitable parking
3. Mid-air collisions
4. Driving tests would be impossible
5. Car trouble could be fatal

I think the first problem to overcome is cost. The cost of fuel (nuclear or otherwise), the cost of insurance (crash protection, unscheduled landing cover), the cost of learning to fly, the cost of renting a landing pad, the emotional cost of scraping your daughter up after she slams into a building while applying her makeup.

It seems that the flying car is a dream that is destined to never be realised. Sure we may see flying cars, the same as we see helicopters, but they will be owned by company CEOs, and piloted by trained chauffeurs. Come to think of it, it would probably be safer and cheaper all round to invent the jetpack. Or rocketboots!

Labels: comedy, driving, fun, science, stupidity, teenagers, women

Everyone needs a little box of comebacks, for those times when people just hurl abuse at you, like at breakfast. At times like that your sanity relies on you being able to whip out an appropriate put down which will silence your assailant. This is especially important when your a kid. I went to a boarding school and bullying was so common it was just a way of life. Everyone was a bully, including me, it just depended how good you were at it.

The bullying wasn't as important as your counter, or as we referred to it 'banter'. You had to have a comeback ready, and if you weren't quick enough to come up with one to suit the occasion, you used one of the many standard retorts:

1. So's your face.
2. I am rubber, you are glue.
3. That's what your (girlfriend/Dad/Mum/Sister/Dog) said.
4. A 'Your Momma' joke.
5. Your Mum's dead.

A lot of the time we just insulted each other to say hello, so a good your momma joke was an appropriate response. However if someone really pissed you off you could use 'Your Mum's Dead'. This was the childhood equivalent of the modern nuclear weapon, mutually assured destruction. The 'Your Mum's Dead' answer could be taken one of two ways: The first would be a standard counter-retort, and an argument that would probably just escalate into the ridiculsphere, where insults no longer make any sense. Of course you could end up with the second way, when your assailant's Mum is actually dead... Chances are that will not end well.

Labels: assholes, comedy, history, stupidity, teenagers, UK

Another year has snuck past me almost unnoticed and Day of the Ninja has once again past. As usual I'm a little slow on the uptake so my post about it is a day few days late. Or I'm so ninja I posted this yesterday on Friday and no one noticed... See it's so good you don't even notice the alterations I've made!

Anyway, for those of you wishing to become ninjas, below I've listed the Top 5 characteristics a ninja requires:

1. Black clothes
2. Silence
3. Skills in all types of combat
4. Stealth
5. Being 'Ninja'

I know what your thinking. Silence and stealth? Surely they're the same thing? And that's why you'll never be a ninja. Silence is simply the absence of noise, but stealth is the ability to make yourself invisible. To truly become a part of the wall your clinging to; to strike from the shadows without being seen; to melt into the wind to make your escape.

The most important point is to be 'ninja'. This is very hard to explain. There are certain personalities who just can't be ninjas. You don't have the mindset, the patience or the determination. Being 'ninja' isn't something that can be taught, you have to have the instinct. It's the sort of thing your born with, like the ability to drink your bodyweight in vodka, or being ravishingly handsome. Unfortunately for me, neither of those skills is particularly useful in becoming a ninja.

Labels: comedy, drinking, fun, ninja

It's been quite a while since I've had to try and pull a girl. I've been with the Wench for so long it seems like forever (Eight years, I didn't forget, it was a joke! Not the face!), so I've not had much use for chat up lines. Of course before I met the Wench I never had to resort to such vulgar tactics, being the suave lady killer that I am.

Below are a few of the worst chat up lines I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. And when I say hearing I don't mean they were tried on me, otherwise I may very well have not been single when the Wench came around. Here they are:

1. Fat Penguin? (It breaks the ice!)
2. If you were snot I'd pick you first.
3. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
4. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
5. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I did in fact lie before. Not about being a debonair casanova, that was all true, but about never using a chat up line. In my extensive experience it's always best to get the object of your affections on your good side, and this may involve getting her to smile. Of course this requires a certain amount of guess work as to whether or not you'll get a positive response, and which line to use. Even the tried and tested 'Can I buy you a drink?' is a chat up line, so most men at some point have used a line.

I wouldn't recommend using any of the gems above, although a variation of the first featuring a chubby polar bear did get me a smile once. As far as the others are concerned it's probably best to be complementary, even if the line is so cheesy it's funny. I'd steer clear of offering to let a girl sniff a rag in your hand, rape humour is never popular, you'll probably end up getting maced, and let me tell you, that stuff stings!

Labels: comedy, crap, drinking, friends, fun, stupidity, wench

OK, just to disappoint you I'll clarify that maybe 'ashamed' is too strong a word. I'll admit that I like these films if they come up in conversation. Most of the time I'm met with disbelief, although there was that time I ended up with 6 stitches. To be fair I did call her Mum a whore and curse her family, I wonder how that's working out. I consider these films underrated classics, so I don't mind sticking up for them, especially if the reason the conversation came up is to diss John Woo. No one disses The Woo! Anyway, here's my five films:

1. Transformers The Movie (1986) - 42%
2. Army of Darkness - 78%
3. Hard Target - 32%
4. Hulk - 61%
5. What Dreams May Come - 56%
*Scores courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes*

OK, I am kind of ashamed of liking What Dreams May Come, I think I could officially have my balls revoked for admitting it. It's a good film though! It looks awesome and the dude goes to hell to get his wife back. You've got to admit that is impressive. Plus The Wench loves it so I score points for watching it with her.

Hulk is underrated and got a slating for no good reason. So what if the hulk didn't smash enough, that probably would've been even more boring. OK, so it was fairly boring. But it was the kind of comic book film that should be made, not just action, it actually has a story as well. On the other hand Hard Target is probably Van Damme's best film, except maybe Universal Soldier, that was awesome.

I have no excuse for Transformers. Except this.

Labels: comedy, films, shame, wench

I noticed in the news the other day that a strange looking Zorse had been bred in Germany. Now I didn't know about Zorses, but isn't that a cool idea? Cross breeding different species is definately something that should be looked into a bit more. We already have Wolphins and Ligers (bred for their skills and magic). Here's a few more to think about:

1. Giraffe + Camel = Giramel
2. Peacock + Eagle = Peagle
3. Fox + Skunk = Funk
4. Shark + Salmon = Shalmon
5. Chimpanzee + Gonorrhea = Paris Hilton

Imagine some of these creatures! Limited only by your imagination you could be Dr Moreau, but without Val Kilmer's bad acting. The beautiful Peagle, good looking, but a vicious killer, kind of like me. The animal so cool it inspired a musical movement: The Funk. Or the majestic Shalmon, massive and tasty, leaping up waterfalls and eating bears.

Seriously though, genetic experimentation comes at a price. For every Cheetorse (Cheetah-Horse), there is a Slake (Slug-Snake). Not every mutant is useful or amazing. Just look at your TV, any number of talk shows ranging from Jerry Springer to Oprah are right there, providing support and a purpose for failed experiments from all over the world.

Labels: comedy, fun, horror, science, stupidity

Calling Shotgun is an ancient tradition, going back many decades to those pirate wannabes, the Cowboys. Back in the famous Cowboy Era people used to travel around by wagons and the person sitting next to the driver would carry a shotgun. The shotgun was mainly for show, as no one would be stupid enough to attack a Cowboy, and the mythical 'Indians' have since been debunked as Yankee propaganda.

Since then the practice has extended to cars, with the rules of Shotgun becoming loosely defined. A lot of House Rules have been created over time, with many regional variations and changes being applied. Here are what I consider to be some of the most important Shotgun Rules:

1. Shotgun can only be called when in sight of the car.
2. If two people call shotgun at the same time, whoever reaches the car first wins.
3. Shotgun can only be called if you are on the way to the car.
4. Shotgun can be called for all seats in the car, so the last person to call Shotgun gets the Bitch Seat (middle seat).
5. Women can't call Shotgun.

Most of these rules were picked up or originated while I was at university. Before that neither me nor any of my friends really had cars, so the topic never came up. But at uni there were lots of lifts given to groups of mates, so some kind of system needed to be enforced. Rule #3 was important as calling Shotgun became ridiculous: before an event was even announced, weeks in advance or before someone even had a car. Rule #4 originated as no one ever wanted to sit in the Bitch Seat.

The most important rule is rule #5. Girls seemed unable to grasp the intricacies of calling Shotgun, they were constantly losing Shotgun rights because of poor choices of music, breaking calling rules and sulking when they lost the race to the car. To solve this problem it was decided that girls should lose the right to call Shotgun. Don't look at me like that, they had their chance. They can still vote, what more do you want?

Labels: comedy, driving, friends, fun, women

The Wench is currently on a bit of a comedy bender. Pretty much everything we watch has to be funny. I can see where she's coming from, our year has started badly so far and getting a bit of a laugh is what we need. Laughter is pretty therapeutic, and it's nice to have a chuckle every now and then. It has limited our viewing options quite a bit though, and my stack of DVDs to watch has steadily grown as we're never in the mood.

Here's our current top 5 shows we watch to lighten our moods of an evening:

1. Futurama
2. Family Guy
3. Robot Chicken
4. American Dad
5. Drawn Together

Nothing quite cheers me up like a bit of inappropriate humour, which American Dad, Robot Chicken and Drawn Together can all deliver in spades. I love it when nothing is sacred and absolutely anything can be used for a joke, because it's not like anyone can complain if they're picking on everyone. Blacks, whites, gays, jocks, fatties, twiglets, no matter your race, class, sexuality, handicap or lifestyle your likely to be a target at some point.

Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable for me and the Wench, as you inevitably create little in-jokes amongst yourselves which people don't get if they haven't seen the show. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but if the joke is a little inappropriate, you get strange looks. Hopefully, like in our case, after you explain yourself your friends are forgiving enough to overlook a comment about horribly penising someone.

Labels: comedy, fun, home, nice, TV, US, wench