I'm going to Hell

It seems a little strange to me that a country as small as ours would feel good enough about itself to put 'Great' in front of it's name. It makes me wonder who we're trying to convince, the rest of the world, or ourselves. I always hear people complaining about living here, but if you think about it a bit, it's actually an awesome place to live!

Here's five reasons why this little Britain really is Great:

1. We used to have the largest empire in history, spanning a quarter of the world.
2. Music
3. Free health care on the NHS
4. Drinking at 18
5. Sex at 16

Sure we always bang on about what we used to own, but the point is when this country was a little younger we really were an over-achieving bunch. We make up for that now by continually losing to the rest of the world at sports we invented.

We still have good music, and an amazing history of music, even inventing Metal (Thanks Ozzy!). But we're also famous for the Beatles, The Who and The Rolling Stones. Not to mention more recent great bands like Led Zeppelin, Queen, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden. We were also well into Punk, with the Sex Pistols and The Clash. In the 80s there was New Wave, but the less said about that the better.

I like this country's drinking culture. It's always raised as a negative, but I myself am a binge drinker, and I like doing it. I like that I could drink (legally) from 18, and have sex at 16, I felt I was old enough and responsible enough to do those things. I still drink as much as I did at 15 18 and I don't plan on slowing down. Sure this may eventually lead to some problems later in my life, but on the positive side, health care is free!

Labels: drinking, fun, health, history, music, nostalgia, teenagers, UK

At boarding school I was the kid with the films. At the time hardly anyone had games consoles, I managed to get a PlayStation a bit late in the game. Quite a few people had N64s which we used to 'borrow' to play 4 player MarioKart or GoldenEye. However my main claim was my TV, then my TV/VCR combo. I used to live in Cyprus, where there was no such thing as copyright and I could get pirated videos of the latest blockbuster by walking to the NAAFI (the UK version of a US PX).

One of the weirdest examples I have of this is a young friend asking if I wanted to watch this new film his Dad had bought, it's called 'Jurassic Park' or something. I thought it was pretty good, but the guy on screen who's head was in the way was a little annoying. Afterwards I went home and walked in as the news was reporting how people had queued around the block to watch that very film back in England.

I kept buying videos, they were ridiculously cheap, and I had a case of them I would take to school, to watch and lend. My favourites at the time amongst me and my friends a few years later were:

1. The Rock (1996)
2. Pulp Fiction (1994)
3. Bad Boys (1995)
4. The Usual Suspects (1995)
5. White Men Can't Jump (1992)

We knew each of these films pretty much line by line. I had a fairly limited collection of videos so we used to watch them A LOT. Back then only a few people had their own PCs or laptops, and time available on someone else's was mostly spent playing Duke Nukem 3D or X-COM: Terror From The Deep. Internet connections were barely available in school buildings let alone boarding houses, so there was no Internet, no downloading, a feeble amount of digital porn and the occasional film brought in from home on multiple CDs. That was how I first saw The Phantom Menace, on 3 CDs before it had even been released.

I think one of my favourite moments was creeping down the dorm while eight people were sat in the dark after lights out watching House on Haunted Hill. I reached through the curtain and grabbed the closest shoulder at a particularly scary bit and then listened to the chain reaction of screams. Of course if you watch a bad film you can always forward to about 38:19mins into Wild Things and remove the bad memories. I recall having to do this after watching Animal Farm. Not the cartoon version.

Labels: films, friends, fun, teenagers, TV, UK

Happy Valentines Day! Yeah! Can anyone tell me what St Valentine did? No you can't! Because no one knows. And I don't just mean a general no one, I mean literally no one knows. However I'm pretty sure whatever they were martyred for does not include giving out flowers, cards and chocolate.

As I don't really like Valentine's Day I won't be talking much about it. I will however be getting the Wench something, or else I'm in trouble, not that she ever gets in trouble for not getting me anything, but I'm wondering off the point. The topic today will instead be about pants, as we call them, or underwear for the Americans in the audience. My Top 5 types of undergarments are:

1. Pants (The traditional tighty whiteys, in case you think I mean trousers)
2. Boxers
3. Thongs
4. Lingerie
5. None

I gave up wearing pants quite a while ago, at some point boxers just became more comfortable, plus they were less embarrassing, like wearing swimming shorts instead of speedos.

Thongs are brilliant, and I'm not talking about banana hammocks, and I'm not saying that I wear them. But aren't they great? Who ever invented thongs should win a nobel prize. I'm not sure which category it'd be in though, maybe peace, but also possibly physics or medicine... banishing the VPL should certainly be worthy of something. On the topic the Wench should win some kind of prize, as pretty much all her underwear consists of thongs, and that's why I love her!

Lingerie is a gift from the gods. Is there anything better than lingerie? And it's so comfortable... Although every one knows you can always trump lingerie by simply going commando.

Labels: fun, nice, presents, religion, shame, underwear, valentines, wench

Have you ever wished for a flying car? I know I have. But just give it a bit of thought, how great would flying cars really be? There would have to be so much associated technology developed along with it to even make it feasible as a mode of transport. Not to mention the fact that you'd have to find a method of propulsion smaller and safer than blades of metal spinning around at head height.

Here's five problems with the idea I came up with off the top of my head:

1. Fuel expense
2. Lack of suitable parking
3. Mid-air collisions
4. Driving tests would be impossible
5. Car trouble could be fatal

I think the first problem to overcome is cost. The cost of fuel (nuclear or otherwise), the cost of insurance (crash protection, unscheduled landing cover), the cost of learning to fly, the cost of renting a landing pad, the emotional cost of scraping your daughter up after she slams into a building while applying her makeup.

It seems that the flying car is a dream that is destined to never be realised. Sure we may see flying cars, the same as we see helicopters, but they will be owned by company CEOs, and piloted by trained chauffeurs. Come to think of it, it would probably be safer and cheaper all round to invent the jetpack. Or rocketboots!

Labels: comedy, driving, fun, science, stupidity, teenagers, women

Another year has snuck past me almost unnoticed and Day of the Ninja has once again past. As usual I'm a little slow on the uptake so my post about it is a day few days late. Or I'm so ninja I posted this yesterday on Friday and no one noticed... See it's so good you don't even notice the alterations I've made!

Anyway, for those of you wishing to become ninjas, below I've listed the Top 5 characteristics a ninja requires:

1. Black clothes
2. Silence
3. Skills in all types of combat
4. Stealth
5. Being 'Ninja'

I know what your thinking. Silence and stealth? Surely they're the same thing? And that's why you'll never be a ninja. Silence is simply the absence of noise, but stealth is the ability to make yourself invisible. To truly become a part of the wall your clinging to; to strike from the shadows without being seen; to melt into the wind to make your escape.

The most important point is to be 'ninja'. This is very hard to explain. There are certain personalities who just can't be ninjas. You don't have the mindset, the patience or the determination. Being 'ninja' isn't something that can be taught, you have to have the instinct. It's the sort of thing your born with, like the ability to drink your bodyweight in vodka, or being ravishingly handsome. Unfortunately for me, neither of those skills is particularly useful in becoming a ninja.

Labels: comedy, drinking, fun, ninja

It's been quite a while since I've had to try and pull a girl. I've been with the Wench for so long it seems like forever (Eight years, I didn't forget, it was a joke! Not the face!), so I've not had much use for chat up lines. Of course before I met the Wench I never had to resort to such vulgar tactics, being the suave lady killer that I am.

Below are a few of the worst chat up lines I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. And when I say hearing I don't mean they were tried on me, otherwise I may very well have not been single when the Wench came around. Here they are:

1. Fat Penguin? (It breaks the ice!)
2. If you were snot I'd pick you first.
3. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
4. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
5. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I did in fact lie before. Not about being a debonair casanova, that was all true, but about never using a chat up line. In my extensive experience it's always best to get the object of your affections on your good side, and this may involve getting her to smile. Of course this requires a certain amount of guess work as to whether or not you'll get a positive response, and which line to use. Even the tried and tested 'Can I buy you a drink?' is a chat up line, so most men at some point have used a line.

I wouldn't recommend using any of the gems above, although a variation of the first featuring a chubby polar bear did get me a smile once. As far as the others are concerned it's probably best to be complementary, even if the line is so cheesy it's funny. I'd steer clear of offering to let a girl sniff a rag in your hand, rape humour is never popular, you'll probably end up getting maced, and let me tell you, that stuff stings!

Labels: comedy, crap, drinking, friends, fun, stupidity, wench

Halloween is rolling around again and as usual it's time for everyone to decide on what they're going to dress up as. For children this is pretty easy, you just ask your parents. They'll probably put some face paint on you and give you some old clothes, so you look like a zombie midget, or a witch with a pituitary disease. Men have it a little more difficult, they actually have to put some effort into their costumes. Especially if you're headed to a party and are on the look out for a helpless damsel your vampire count can prey on, or trying to find a sexy Velma to complete your Scooby Gang.

Of course for the ladies it's simply a matter of making a costume designed around 'Slutty [Insert Occupation Here]'. This may sound like I'm complaining, but far from it. Here's a few of the more popular costumes the girls choose:

1. Slutty Cop
2. Slutty Schoolgirl
3. Slutty Pirate
4. Slutty Nurse
5. Slutty Slut

I think I speak for all men when I congratulate women on the effectiveness and ingenuity of this very simple idea. Who would have thought that the world could be made a better place by just taking a normal Halloween outfit and making it slutty. I don't think that's overstating this at all, it is genius, and I for one, applaud it.

But I think it should be pointed out that there's generally very little effort involved when it comes to the girls making their costumes. While there's always those ladies who take the extra effort to make their costumes as small as possible, but still have the theme be recognisable, by far the most popular costume amongst women is the Slutty Slut, or as it's better known the 'putting-on-a-pair-of-cat-ears-with-whatever-your-sluttiest-outfit-is'. Come on people, Halloween's always a good time, if your gonna dress up, at least put some effort in.

Labels: drinking, fun, halloween, nice, women, zombies

I noticed in the news the other day that a strange looking Zorse had been bred in Germany. Now I didn't know about Zorses, but isn't that a cool idea? Cross breeding different species is definately something that should be looked into a bit more. We already have Wolphins and Ligers (bred for their skills and magic). Here's a few more to think about:

1. Giraffe + Camel = Giramel
2. Peacock + Eagle = Peagle
3. Fox + Skunk = Funk
4. Shark + Salmon = Shalmon
5. Chimpanzee + Gonorrhea = Paris Hilton

Imagine some of these creatures! Limited only by your imagination you could be Dr Moreau, but without Val Kilmer's bad acting. The beautiful Peagle, good looking, but a vicious killer, kind of like me. The animal so cool it inspired a musical movement: The Funk. Or the majestic Shalmon, massive and tasty, leaping up waterfalls and eating bears.

Seriously though, genetic experimentation comes at a price. For every Cheetorse (Cheetah-Horse), there is a Slake (Slug-Snake). Not every mutant is useful or amazing. Just look at your TV, any number of talk shows ranging from Jerry Springer to Oprah are right there, providing support and a purpose for failed experiments from all over the world.

Labels: comedy, fun, horror, science, stupidity

A lot of people like Zombies. I was going to say everyone, but I don't think that reanimated rotting corpses are everyone's cup of tea. I think the reason I like the Zombie genre is because it kind of crosses over into the post-apocalyptic genre as well, and I love all that Mad Max type stuff.

I loved all the George Romero films, Night of the Living Dead (He's coming to get you Barbara!), and even his latest Land of the Dead, which a lot of people slated. I especially like the Resident Evil games, battling through destroyed towns and Zombie infestations, always good to play on a dark night. Other than that I've also recently:

1. Read World War Z
2. Watched 'Dawn of the Dead' (The new one)
3. Read 'The Walking Dead' Comic
4. Got excited about 'Left 4 Dead'
5. Love 'Shaun of the Dead'

I like seeing or reading about things which may happen in a zombie invasion, but out of the ordinary. You can get a basic overview from George Romero's films, get somewhere easy to defend, with stores of food and some weapons. World War Z is a view from past the conflict, made up of interviews of survivors from all levels of society. It's interesting to see how governments might react, what tactics the military would come up with, how certain professions or buildings would be used to help the war effort.

The Walking Dead also has some interesting ideas, but the comic is mostly about the human reactions to the situation. Families trying to make it, groups meeting and breaking, it's kind of like a more extreme zombie infested soap opera, with more flesh eating, it's a good read and I'd recommend it.

Labels: comics, films, fun, horror, zombies

I give the Wench a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in my whiny way where I whine and sound all whiny. Then whine. But she's been really good to me recently, and when I say recently I mean since I've known her. Although she has put in real effort in the last few weeks as I've been working late a lot and not exactly jumping with energy when I've gotten home. She picks me up from the station already, but now she's got a smile on her face.

Basically I don't think I give her enough praise (not that she gives me any), but I complain a lot as well, as I just demonstrated. Anyway, here's 5 reasons why she's awesome:

1. She always talks to anyone.
2. She's always up for getting wasted.
3. She's watched more of my porn than I have.
4. She's just as lazy as I am, which means she can't bug me about being lazy.
5. She's Hot.

I think the first point is very important. The Wench talks, she talks a lot, to anyone who will listen. And most of the time they do want to listen. When I first met her family all I got asked was 'How do you put up with her?', to which I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled, as I don't talk. At all. It seems a bit of a weird combination, but it kind of works. An example of why this is great comes from last week, where we went for a night out in Loughborough. There's now a smoking ban in the UK, which means if you smoke you have to do it outside of bars and clubs. We went for a fag and immediately made friends with the group standing next to us, and ended up exchanging high fives with them for the rest of the night (The Wench is on a mission to bring back the high five). This may seem insignificant as we were all drunk, but she can do this ANYWHERE. It's like a mutant superpower, she can just get anyone to like her and start talking. I used to get worried going out with her to a pub as she'd spend ages going to the bar or toilet as she'd immediately make 3 new friends on the way.

The last point The Wench will undoubtedly disagree with me on, but as a shallow male I have to say it's rather an important point. She is hot, and I feel I should tell everyone, her included, that she is hot. And that I like to do her, all the time, as much as possible.

Labels: cigarettes, drinking, friends, fun, laziness, UK, wench

I'm off to the Download Festival again this year. I'm leaving in about 30mins actually. The Wench's brother (let's call him Bitch for now) is already there, with his tent set up and waiting for us. This year Bitch supplied the tent, a £100 10-man mansion, for just 4 people: Me, the Wench, Bitch and his band mate Spider (not his real name, but he is a drummer).

I'm currently waiting to leave, I've got half an hour. the last 3 days have been the slowest of my life! I've been looking forward to the music I've got to listen to, alcohol to drink, fields to pass out in and all the rest. Here's who I'm looking forward to seeing:

1. Wolfmother
2. Korn
3. Iron Maiden
4. Marilyn Manson
5. Linkin Park

Of course they're not the only bands there I'll see. I'll also watch Mastodon, Megadeth, Slayer, Lamb of God and many other wholesome and family friendly bands. Last year was a great festival, hot, sunny, lots of friends, good music and women giving away free Snickers Ice Creams. I hope this year lives up to it. Even though the music isn't as good, and the weather is likely to be cloudy and not as many people I know are going, I'm sure I'll struggle through.

What am I talking about? It's going to be awesome, or off the hook as the kids say nowadays. I've got 4 litres of vodka for me and the Wench to get through, and a whole lot more which should add to the weekend as well. The Red Bull X-Fighters are there this year as well, hopefully brightening my day with some comedy crashes as they've stolen the only piece of shade in the entire arena. If I blister in the sun the least you could do is fall of your bike midway through a Superman Backflip to make me feel better.

Labels: downloadfestival, drinking, friends, fun, holiday, music, sun, UK, wench

OK, so yesterday, despite my immense intellect, I thought it was Friday, perhaps my arch nemesis was using some kind of mind control to depress me when I discovered the truth. He will pay for this...

Anyway, as a master wordsmith and giant of the literary world, I often spend my time lounging in green meadows, vast oak branches spreading over my head like Oberon's crown, the raging torrent of my imagination bursting it's banks onto the notebook in my hand. I can write some mean gangster rap in those conditions, I tell thee. But even a rhymasaurus with a flow as fresh as mine has trouble with a few words:

1. Film
2. Orange
3. Month
4. Purple
5. Silver

I'm sick like a leper,
I'll make your brain burn, like you just snorted pepper.
I got scary rhymes like Edgar Allan Poe,
I make The Raven seem like a doe.
This flow feels atrocious,
like a small child acting precocious.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Yeah, yeah, what, uh-huh, yeah, dika-dika, yeah...

See you never know when I'll just drop a fresh bomb on your ass like that. I'm loco. Uncontrolable, you better step off, don't be getting up in my grill. Damn this street talk is exhausting, and hard to use to get a point across. Know what I'm saying? Word.

Labels: crap, fun, grammar, horror, music, stupidity

Calling Shotgun is an ancient tradition, going back many decades to those pirate wannabes, the Cowboys. Back in the famous Cowboy Era people used to travel around by wagons and the person sitting next to the driver would carry a shotgun. The shotgun was mainly for show, as no one would be stupid enough to attack a Cowboy, and the mythical 'Indians' have since been debunked as Yankee propaganda.

Since then the practice has extended to cars, with the rules of Shotgun becoming loosely defined. A lot of House Rules have been created over time, with many regional variations and changes being applied. Here are what I consider to be some of the most important Shotgun Rules:

1. Shotgun can only be called when in sight of the car.
2. If two people call shotgun at the same time, whoever reaches the car first wins.
3. Shotgun can only be called if you are on the way to the car.
4. Shotgun can be called for all seats in the car, so the last person to call Shotgun gets the Bitch Seat (middle seat).
5. Women can't call Shotgun.

Most of these rules were picked up or originated while I was at university. Before that neither me nor any of my friends really had cars, so the topic never came up. But at uni there were lots of lifts given to groups of mates, so some kind of system needed to be enforced. Rule #3 was important as calling Shotgun became ridiculous: before an event was even announced, weeks in advance or before someone even had a car. Rule #4 originated as no one ever wanted to sit in the Bitch Seat.

The most important rule is rule #5. Girls seemed unable to grasp the intricacies of calling Shotgun, they were constantly losing Shotgun rights because of poor choices of music, breaking calling rules and sulking when they lost the race to the car. To solve this problem it was decided that girls should lose the right to call Shotgun. Don't look at me like that, they had their chance. They can still vote, what more do you want?

Labels: comedy, driving, friends, fun, women

We've been in our flat apartment for just over a year now, I think, and during that time we were mostly neighbourless. The apartment to one side was occupied briefly, but the owner was hardly ever home, for months at a time, and she's just sold the place. The apartment on our other side was put up for rent, and only recently did anyone move in. We had grown accustomed to being alone and quiet in our corner of the building. Then Slammy McDoor-Swinger moved in next door.

Here's the top 5 things that make the Wench pray for a small localised holocaust and/or nuclear blast:

1. They're not particularly friendly
2. They don't turn off the hallway light.
3. They don't lock the hallway door.
4. They slam their doors.
5. They park halfway in our parking space.

These may seem like small petty things, and they are, but they really get on the Wench's nerves. Only the parking really annoys me, as we only have one space (which we own), the car park is always pretty full and they're taking up two.

Over the weekend the Wench discovered that when someone buzzes our neighbours' intercom, we can pick up the phone as well. So she was listening to their conversation and then whispered into the phone, "Helloo...". Apparently they both stopped talking and got a bit freaked out. So I guess that's the Wench's plan to get rid of them, scare them and either convince them that a) this one year old building is haunted, or b) we're mental enough that they want to leave.

Labels: assholes, fun, home, suckage, wench

The Wench is currently on a bit of a comedy bender. Pretty much everything we watch has to be funny. I can see where she's coming from, our year has started badly so far and getting a bit of a laugh is what we need. Laughter is pretty therapeutic, and it's nice to have a chuckle every now and then. It has limited our viewing options quite a bit though, and my stack of DVDs to watch has steadily grown as we're never in the mood.

Here's our current top 5 shows we watch to lighten our moods of an evening:

1. Futurama
2. Family Guy
3. Robot Chicken
4. American Dad
5. Drawn Together

Nothing quite cheers me up like a bit of inappropriate humour, which American Dad, Robot Chicken and Drawn Together can all deliver in spades. I love it when nothing is sacred and absolutely anything can be used for a joke, because it's not like anyone can complain if they're picking on everyone. Blacks, whites, gays, jocks, fatties, twiglets, no matter your race, class, sexuality, handicap or lifestyle your likely to be a target at some point.

Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable for me and the Wench, as you inevitably create little in-jokes amongst yourselves which people don't get if they haven't seen the show. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but if the joke is a little inappropriate, you get strange looks. Hopefully, like in our case, after you explain yourself your friends are forgiving enough to overlook a comment about horribly penising someone.

Labels: comedy, fun, home, nice, TV, US, wench

When I was at boarding school I was the only kid there who had a video player, and a decent collection of videos as well. I was at school at around the time DVDs were coming out, so there were a lot of sales on at the time, and my video collection was pretty large. Unfortunately since then my video player has died so I now have to try and replace them all.

Anyway, we used to say a lot of lines from the films we watched, and I was known for being able to name the films they were from. Here's 5 to test your film knowledge:

1. "I hope I give you the shits, you fucking wimp."
2. "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY."
3. "You want to be a big cop in a small town, fuck off to the Model Village."
4. "You can put a cat in an oven, but that don't make it a biscuit."
5. "What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong"

I'm not sure many will get number 3, as it's a new film and I don't know if it's been released in the US yet. The rest are out on DVD, so you've got a fair chance of getting them.

I'm a bit of a dork at heart, not a geek or a nerd, well maybe a little bit. There is a fine line between the two. It seems that dorks are a bit more socially active, so they're allowed their geeky habits, they have friends and girlfriends. My main interests include movies and videogames, and I'm a programmer by trade, but I also have quite a few friends and get out a lot, making me an acceptable geek, or a dork. The Wench was horrified to find out I considered myself a bit geeky. I am a bit of geek though, look, I'm writing in my blog.

Labels: films, friends, fun, history, quiz, wench

I consider myself a breast man. Some people like asses (I'm partial to a fine ass myself), some people like feet, or legs, or stomachs, but I've always been a boob man, and I think I always will be. Ever since I first discovered Page 3 in the Sun (NSFW) as a kid, I have been fascinated with the upper abdominal area of the females of the species.

I'm obviously not alone in my admiration of the mammaries as there are a huge number of names for these beautiful and elusive organs. Here's my Top 5:

1. The Twins/The Girls
2. Fun Bags
3. Sweater Pets
4. Puppies
5. Chesticles

As far as I'm concerned, puppies are a completely different species of breast, it's like what most boobs want to look like when they grow up. It's the type of boobs which are natural (or the result of a very good jaunt in hospital), where the breast is very round in shape, perky, with the nipples pointing directly forward. Kind of like when a woman squeezes her tits together and leans forward... Sorry, I drifted off there for a second.

While the above is a fine list, it only scratches the surface of the vast array of complimentary and derogatory names that men have dreamed up over the years for a woman's most glorious asset. Here's a few more: Gazongas, tatas, honkers, dirty pillows, mellons, jugs, tits, snugglepups, knockers, hooters, cans, boobs, norks, rack, baps, jubblies, zeppelins, bust and eyes. I wonder how many misled hits this post will get?

Labels: breasts, fun, nice, women