I'm going to Hell

Another year has snuck past me almost unnoticed and Day of the Ninja has once again past. As usual I'm a little slow on the uptake so my post about it is a day few days late. Or I'm so ninja I posted this yesterday on Friday and no one noticed... See it's so good you don't even notice the alterations I've made!

Anyway, for those of you wishing to become ninjas, below I've listed the Top 5 characteristics a ninja requires:

1. Black clothes
2. Silence
3. Skills in all types of combat
4. Stealth
5. Being 'Ninja'

I know what your thinking. Silence and stealth? Surely they're the same thing? And that's why you'll never be a ninja. Silence is simply the absence of noise, but stealth is the ability to make yourself invisible. To truly become a part of the wall your clinging to; to strike from the shadows without being seen; to melt into the wind to make your escape.

The most important point is to be 'ninja'. This is very hard to explain. There are certain personalities who just can't be ninjas. You don't have the mindset, the patience or the determination. Being 'ninja' isn't something that can be taught, you have to have the instinct. It's the sort of thing your born with, like the ability to drink your bodyweight in vodka, or being ravishingly handsome. Unfortunately for me, neither of those skills is particularly useful in becoming a ninja.

Labels: comedy, drinking, fun, ninja

Nostalgia is a funny thing. While I revel in stuff from my past and relive great experiences there's always the times when you realise just how crap everything used to be. For example there's a lot of computer games I've tried again which are just rubbish, films that are totally unwatchable, food I'd rather use to waterproof my attic than eat again. There's also Thundercats the Movie.

Nostalgia is probably a billion dollar pound industry now. The reason for this is the liberties people take with your most treasured childhood memories. Here's a few examples:

1. The Wicker Man
2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
3. Rollerball
4. The Italian Job
5. The Star Wars Prequels

It's true that I've only listed films, but this is mostly what I come across nowadays. I could just as easily have listed song covers, or remade children's cartoons. However films are probably where you are most likely to see this. Hollywood remakes are shockingly awful. Sure every now and again they'll pull out 'The Magnificent Seven', but then you'll also get 'Alvin and the Chipmunks', or 'The Grudge', or 'Psycho'.

Now it's a free for all. Anything is game. We are so hard up for original ideas everything is being remade or given a sequel. Doom got a new game AND a film. I don't have a problem with exploring an idea, or putting it in a different country/time period/planet/all of the above, or at least making it good. As long as people realise not everything is going to be as good as bringing back Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles again.

Labels: assholes, crap, films, nostalgia, shame, stupidity, suckage