I'm going to Hell

Nostalgia is a funny thing. While I revel in stuff from my past and relive great experiences there's always the times when you realise just how crap everything used to be. For example there's a lot of computer games I've tried again which are just rubbish, films that are totally unwatchable, food I'd rather use to waterproof my attic than eat again. There's also Thundercats the Movie.

Nostalgia is probably a billion dollar pound industry now. The reason for this is the liberties people take with your most treasured childhood memories. Here's a few examples:

1. The Wicker Man
2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
3. Rollerball
4. The Italian Job
5. The Star Wars Prequels

It's true that I've only listed films, but this is mostly what I come across nowadays. I could just as easily have listed song covers, or remade children's cartoons. However films are probably where you are most likely to see this. Hollywood remakes are shockingly awful. Sure every now and again they'll pull out 'The Magnificent Seven', but then you'll also get 'Alvin and the Chipmunks', or 'The Grudge', or 'Psycho'.

Now it's a free for all. Anything is game. We are so hard up for original ideas everything is being remade or given a sequel. Doom got a new game AND a film. I don't have a problem with exploring an idea, or putting it in a different country/time period/planet/all of the above, or at least making it good. As long as people realise not everything is going to be as good as bringing back Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles again.

Labels: assholes, crap, films, nostalgia, shame, stupidity, suckage

There's very few thing's I find more frustrating than modern civilization's fascination with 'celebrities'. I don't mind it about people who are actually famous, but who cares about someone whose only claim to fame was that they were on a game show over four years ago. And they didn't even win!

The worst thing about this is the magazines I see in newsagents and supermarkets. They obviously sell, otherwise there wouldn't be so many of them. I don't see why people need to know this sort of information about these people, or why there's such a market for this crap. Here's the worst offenders:

1. Glamour
2. Now
3. OK!
4. Closer
5. Heat

I hate these magazines. It's pure shit disguised as journalism. If I want to know about celebrity news I'll just read The Superficial instead. It's not that I care about what is being written, I just think that it's written in a funny way, which actively encourages you not to care.

However the thing that makes me ashamed is when a new magazine comes out and I ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S IN IT. I've already read about it. I am more up to date on irrelevant celebrity knowledge than most of the girls I know. Sure I don't actually know that many girls, and the last thing the Wench read for fun was our tickets to Metallica, but it makes me feel like I need to scrub out my brain with steel wool. It seems like that could only make me smarter. Otherwise pretty soon I'll be impersonating these muppets: carrying round small dogs that can't walk for themselves, checking myself into rehab at least once a day, then getting my kids taken away from me. Not that I have kids, but I could adopt some. That's cool at the moment as well though, yeah?

Labels: assholes, crap, shame, stupidity, suckage, wench, women

I used to be into Big Brother, not in a big way, and it would always take me some time to get into it. I hated the first few weeks, you watch everyone go in and comment on how annoying they are, and the first night is terrible. Everyone just gets drunk, and you can't hear anyone speaking, it's just noise. Loud drunk people talking over one another, I may as well go down the pub. That's also pretty much what goes on for the first few weeks, everyone is loud, there's too much to follow, as there's too many people.

Once the crowd has thinned out a bit and the most annoying have been booted out the house, getting booed mercilessly by the waiting crowd, that's when I'll get into it. But after the first few years, it got even worse. Now I go out of my way not to watch it, for the following reasons:

1. The pointless 'surprises'
2. The bitching
3. The stupid contestants
4. The fact they all think we care after they've left
5. Charley

Basically in this country the 'contestants' are always picked based on breast size, sexual preference and shock value. So you can expect at least 60% women, 40% gay, 30% freaks and about 75% mental. This guarantees hysterics, relationships, break-ups, cliques and at least 17 bitch fights a day between the incredibly nasty and petty 18-23 year old girls they dig out of the nearest shopping centre.

Above all else this woman is the perfect example of everything I hate about Big Brother. She is, and I quote "A self-proclaimed 'it' girl, Charley likes shopping, money and going clubbing at celebrity hangouts." And her Life Philosophy is: "Celebrity, celebrity, cash, celebrity." She has never had a job and gets her money from her cousin, who plays football in the Premiership in the UK. She the most annoying person I have ever had the misfortune of seeing on TV. Her voice grates on my brain like I just face planted onto a blackboard teeth first. Her personality makes me want to punch through her face and pull out her intestines so I can use them to tie her to a post in the middle of Pete's Rabid Bear Emporium. Thank God she's been evicted, now I can get on with forgetting everything about her, as even her cousin has practically disowned her, after seeing what a terrible excuse for a human she is. All I can say is I'm so glad I've got Bravo now so I can watch Sports Disasters, or When Sports Go Bad so I can see idiots hurt themselves instead.

Labels: crap, drinking, horror, Sky+, stupidity, suckage, TV, UK

As fun as Download Festival is every year, it's always great to get home. I enjoy camping quite a bit, but at a festival it's not quite the same. You don't have as much room, you don't have ready access to your car (it's a 50 minute walk away), the toilets are always far away and they stink. And if you want a shower you have to wait hours for it.

The camping is something to be endured, not enjoyed. No one enjoys camping at a festival. The only good thing about camping is... hang on... I'll think of something... It's doesn't take as long to get into the arena the next day! Ha! I knew I could think of some reason! Now for 5 reasons why I'm glad to be home:

1. My living quarters are no longer a tent
2. There is a supermarket just down the road
3. I don't have to walk everywhere
4. I can have a shower/wash whenever I want
5. I have immediate access to a toilet

For days my bathroom has been a pack of wet wipes, my kitchen a camping stove and a bag of various cans (all the labels got ripped off the first night), my toilet the camp fence (or a 10 minute walk to an indescribable hell) and my changing room an oven temperature tent. Waking up every morning with a hangover really didn't help.

Needless to say I'm glad to be back, despite the sun and boozing. After an hour long shower where my skin changed colour 4 times I felt refreshed and clean, hungry and a little sad. Sure the camping experience is just a small step from being a refugee, but refugees don't have a bunch of awesome bands to rock out to everyday. Although nor do they have to pay for the privilege.

Labels: crap, downloadfestival, drinking, hangover, home, horror, music, suckage, sun

Oh, David Caruso, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. It's been a long relationship, for many seasons of CSI:Miami I didn't realise what you were doing. It didn't occur to me to actually pay attention to you. I was blinded by the greatness of the Vegas series, and eventually the New York incarnation.

I can remember the exact moment it happened. It was like a switch being flicked in my head. I thought to myself: "You're SHIT!!". The next thing I know I recognised every cheesy line, every time you moved your glasses, your hero complex, and finally the fact that you're ONLY A CSI. You're not in SWAT, you shouldn't clear a house on your own, or lead in a team of heavily armed and armoured policemen into a criminal's home. You should be sitting outside, with the other CSIs, waiting for the scene to be cleared. You're a twat, and it's time people knew.

1. Now watch this video...
2. ...and again...
3. ...and again...
4. ...and again...
5. ...and again!!!

Does that not just grate on every nerve? Does his smug, ginger face not make you want to go to work on him with a blowtorch, cordless drill and 10Kg bag of salt? His acting is like a toddler pretending to cry. He even uses his 'acting voice' like small children in school plays, who think they have to show that they're acting. If you could see my hatred for David Caruso, it would drive you insane, like seeing all of existence in a single blink.

By now you should all understand. After watching that video there is not a person alive who should still be on his side. Even Jim Carey realises it! That's right. If your not with us, your against us, and you will be dealt with in exactly the same way that he will be. Once we're done with him, we can go after Jerry Bruckheimer. Some of his films really get on my tits.

Labels: assholes, crap, CSI, horror, suckage, TV

Adverts can be great, but the vast majority suck like MySpace: badly. Adverts can bring you down in the middle of a good program, or film. I can't wait to get Sky+ (England's version of Tivo) so I don't have to watch adverts anymore. Most of the good ones you get to see on YouTube anyway. In fact YouTube has become quite a good trial for a commercial, if it's good, it'll be passed around, like a drunk cheerleader at a frat party.

Bad adverts are boring, uninspired, stupid, badly produced, acted or dubbed. Here's a few of the adverts I've found illustrating a few of these points, or they just grind my gears:

1. Toyota Yaris
2. Get Unhooked (Anti-smoking)
3. HI! I'M BARRY SCOTT!! (Cilit Bang) - Remixed version! <-- Funny stuff
4. Orange Mobile Phones
5. Frosties

The Orange advert is clever, but is on all day. In my office there are TVs all over the place, and I hear this advert every 10mins. I'm on the verge of putting my head through the next screen on which this advert appears.

The Frosties advert is quite possibly the most annoying thing since the french. It's very well known in the UK, I'm not sure if it's in the US. It was played so much I developed a twitch every time it came on the TV. Over here it became so annoying a radio DJ started a rumour that the kid had killed himself because he'd been bullied so much due to the advert. It's kind of an urban legend now, despite the DJ telling everyone he's really alive and well a large number of people still think he's dead.

This redeems my faith that not everyone in advertising is as cripplingly retarded as a brain damaged chimp on acid.

Labels: adverts, stupidity, suckage, TV, UK

We've been in our flat apartment for just over a year now, I think, and during that time we were mostly neighbourless. The apartment to one side was occupied briefly, but the owner was hardly ever home, for months at a time, and she's just sold the place. The apartment on our other side was put up for rent, and only recently did anyone move in. We had grown accustomed to being alone and quiet in our corner of the building. Then Slammy McDoor-Swinger moved in next door.

Here's the top 5 things that make the Wench pray for a small localised holocaust and/or nuclear blast:

1. They're not particularly friendly
2. They don't turn off the hallway light.
3. They don't lock the hallway door.
4. They slam their doors.
5. They park halfway in our parking space.

These may seem like small petty things, and they are, but they really get on the Wench's nerves. Only the parking really annoys me, as we only have one space (which we own), the car park is always pretty full and they're taking up two.

Over the weekend the Wench discovered that when someone buzzes our neighbours' intercom, we can pick up the phone as well. So she was listening to their conversation and then whispered into the phone, "Helloo...". Apparently they both stopped talking and got a bit freaked out. So I guess that's the Wench's plan to get rid of them, scare them and either convince them that a) this one year old building is haunted, or b) we're mental enough that they want to leave.

Labels: assholes, fun, home, suckage, wench

It's sad that I think I'm getting old. I'm only 24 for God's sake. I still have nearly 40 years left till I retire! That's an even more depressing thought, as I have that long left to work. I'm not even middle aged yet. I'm not even late twenties, I'm still in my mid-twenties.

So for a change I'm going to whine for a bit and then decide on exactly what makes me feel old. Here's what I have so far:

1. I dream about doing nothing.
2. I know what nostalgia is.
3. I get irritated at my neighbours' loud music.
4. I ache after exercise.
5. My 25th birthday is this Sunday.

After reading my list I've decided I'm no longer going to lay about and feel old, instead I will do exercise, play games and get drunk. And then feel old. The truth is I don't really think I've changed all that much. I'm not as active as I used to be, but I used to be forced to do that stuff, I never had the inclination to do it on my own. I still want the same things, listen to the same types of music, watch the same types of films etc. My free time is the only thing that lets me down, and makes me feel behind. I can't keep up with books, films and music like I did when I had nothing else to do.

So it's not that I feel old, as in ancient, elderly or archaic (thanks thesaurus.com!), instead I feel that I'm growing up, becoming more mature, and hence out of touch with the cool kids on The Street. I should feel better having realised this, but instead I just miss having time to do everything I wanted to. Well I'm making time to go and see 300 tonight, that's a start!

Labels: birthdays, exercise, films, music, suckage

Being knackered at work is a pretty big problem for quite a few people. Recently I've been having trouble as I don't have work that is that interesting, so I have to try and keep myself awake. Normal people just drink coffee, but if I did that I'd be sick all over my desk, because I'd rather grate my nut sack than drink coffee. Generally I don't have hot drinks at all.

Luckily my workplace is rather lax. Not quite slumped over my desk with my head on my arms relaxed, but I've got pretty much free reign over what I do during the work day, as long as my work gets done. I've since come up with these ideas:

1. Listen to music
2. Watch some TV
3. Drink something cold
4. Try and find some more interesting work
5. Don't eat carbohydrates at lunch

Occasionally during the day I'll take breaks to watch crap on YouTube, or just on TV. I listen to music while I'm working, Pandora is excellent for this. Every now and then I'll request some more work, or pick up some of the jobs floating around to give myself a change of pace and topic. Something to prevent my brain slowly shutting down until I'm typing gibberish with my eyes closed.

The main reason I fall asleep is my sandwiches at lunch. Who would've though that a simple ham sandwich could be a threat to my job? Basically the sandwiches give me a carb crash so sudden and massive the Sandman himself would stand back in awe and watch a true master at work. Bizarrely enough I started this post hours ago, I have been fighting off sleep ever since so I haven't been able to finish it until now.

Labels: music, sleep, suckage, TV, work

I have to commute to work, I'm sure I've mentioned this before a few times. I have to take the train, and I pay about £1800, about $3500. For that sort of money I should be getting free meals and a bed on my train. However most of the time I manage to get a seat, and that's good enough for me, as I either read, sleep or play on my DS.

Most of the people I travel with are nice enough, they are courteous and polite, we apologise to one another if we get in each others way, or say thank you if they let us pass. But there's always a few oxygen thieves around who make commuting even more tiresome. Here are the top 5 things that make you an asshole commuter:

1. Standing on the left of the escalator.
2. Stopping suddenly in the middle of the flow of commuters.
3. Not moving into the train so more people can get on.
4. Complaining loudly about nothing.
5. Standing in front of the train doors.

On the way to work these things are barely noticed through my blurry and semi-comatose morning haze. I stumble on to the train and claim a seat, throwing my bag into the overhead storage and sitting down as quickly as I can. I then either slip back into unconsciousness and drool over myself for half an hour, or try and do something active to stir my brain from a porridge-like mess into an effervescent bowl of coke and pop rocks.

By the time it comes to getting home again I'm tired and irritable. The people in my way are no longer ignored, they're infuriating. The ancient crone complaining has a voice like cutlery scraping on glass, instead of the dull muttering of this morning. The final straw is the idiot trying to force his way past me as I'm getting off the train at home, generally he just ends up back on the platform again as everyone exits the train. I fail to see the point of trying to get on the train while people are getting off, it's like a salmon swimming up a waterfall. Sure you'll get there eventually, but then your just going to lay your eggs and die. Wait... what?

Labels: assholes, commuting, DS, stupidity, suckage, york

I am a smoker. I'm a bit of a rubbish smoker as well. I only really smoke when the Wench smokes, and she's been smoking since she was 4, or something like that. I only smoke a lot when I'm drinking, and it's when I'm drinking I really get the urge to smoke as well.

I keep trying to give the Wench reasons to quit, but they never work, and I'm too lazy to quit if she keeps on doing it, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle, as I could be leading by example. Here are some of the reasons I've given her to quit:

1. It's expensive
2. It smells
3. Wheezing/coughing/general unhealthiness
4. Lung cancer
5. There are NO benefits

The weird thing is there are NO BENEFITS to smoking. Yet it's such a popular habit. People claim it relaxes you. The only time having a cigarette has relaxed me was when I hadn't had one for 2 days and my body was craving the nicotine. It's only relaxing if your addicted and jonesing for a hit. On the other hand it has some monstrous negatives, listing death as one of it's main downsides.

Why do people start smoking? It tastes terrible to begin with. I can't get the Wench to give me a proper reason as to why she started. As far as I can figure it her friend started and she thought it was cool. And it is. It is cool to smoke. But she won't admit it. I started smoking because I thought it was cool, and so did a lot of people I know. It made you look older, feel more grown up and kids looked up to you. Look at all the movies, all the cool characters smoked: James Bond, Fonzie and Bender to name a few. But I really should quit now, look what happened to Darth Vader.

Labels: cigarettes, films, health, stupidity, suckage, teenagers, TV, wench

There's a distinct lack of decent TV around for all times of the day, and prime time TV is where the good shits at. But sometimes the decent slots are filled with rubbish. Like reality TV, which I despise and would gladly use one of my three magic wishes to destroy, along with everyone who has ever appeared in one.

But 'Teen Dramas' also twist my nipples. Most of these shows are incredibly popular, and below are listed my top 5 soppiest:

1. Beverley Hills, 90210
2. Party of Five
3. One Tree Hill
4. The OC
5. Dawson's Creek

A major reason I don't like these shows is because of the terrible storylines brought about by teenage angst. Luckily I was never an angsty teenager, mostly because I liked my parents, I went to boarding school and I was getting some. So the fact that these rich kids in nice houses and ideal lives were getting in such trouble just seemed so ridiculous.

I once made the mistake of watching a few of these shows, until I realised that I couldn't actually understand a single thing anyone said, all the actors are in their late 20s and my life was nothing like theirs. A series can really lose it's appeal once you've come to terms with these facts. No matter how many witty pop references, or deconstructions of teenage life in America, or whatever, you put in the show, you have to remember that your aiming at a young audience and they just won't understand what 'I just think our emerging hormones are destined to alter our relationship and I'm trying to limit the fallout' means. I mean come on, who talks like that? Especially at 15.

Labels: emo, stupidity, suckage, teenagers, TV

I've had a mobile phone for about 9 years. At first I had a pay as you go phone, but I never had the money to put more credit on it, and my parents wouldn't pay for it as I didn't call them, and they could still call me.

Eventually I had to pay for my own phone, and in order to get a decent one I had to get a contract, otherwise the phones were too expensive. Over the years my contracts have become gradually more and more expensive as I always want a new phone. My top five reasons not to own a mobile are:

1. I can never be bothered to change any of the default settings.
2. The games are rubbish.
3. I hate the annoying ringtones.
4. It costs a small fortune.
5. People can get hold of you anywhere.

I don't know why a phone maker hasn't decided to make JUST A PHONE. The best phone I ever owned was smaller than a RAZR, and it worked wonderfully. Since then I've had phones that take pictures (badly), let you play crap games (badly), let you record videos (badly) and listen to music (badly). Of course I'm the only person I can blame, after all I already own a camera, a nintendo DS, a video camera and an MP3 player. No one ever forced me to buy a piece of technology which does several jobs badly, even the one you bought it for, kind of like a retarded handy man.

It's the male desire to always have the newest and the best, the latest gadget on the street, to be the coolest and have something to show your mates. Even though you've already shown them all your other gadgets, which specialise in all the jobs your new phone does so terribly, and they don't play a soul shatteringly shite version of some already crap tune like 'My Humps' when someone calls you.

Labels: DS, music, phones, stupidity, suckage

There's a large number of reasons that I hate cover versions. I should probably be more specific. I hate cover versions that are sung in exactly the same style as the original, and/or are released as singles. Singles should be reserved for original songs, EVEN charity singles.

Lots of pop boy or girl bands start their careers with cover versions, or those gimps who win X Factor or Pop Idol inevitably release their version of Unchained Melody. Most recently the British X Factor winner released a cover version of a Kelly Clarkson song. Not surprisingly, she hasn't been heard from since. Here's my Top 5 most terrible covers:

1. Will Young - Light My Fire
2. Madonna - American Pie
3. Britney Spears - I Love Rock 'n Roll
4. McFly - Don't Stop Me Now
5. Girls Aloud vs Sugababes - Walk This Way

Artists like Madonna should know better. If her originality isn't what it once was, she shouldn't resort to generic dance tunes and bad covers to keep her career alive. She's got enough money, stop punishing me every time I turn a radio on.

For those of you who don't know (Anyone not in the UK) Will Young and Girls Aloud are the result of talent shows in this country. I hate these shows with a passion, because of the contestants, the judges, the format and the crap that always results from them being released into general circulation. We also have Comic Relief, a good cause, but it's no reason to annihilate a classic song that has a lot of significance. Plus it's one of my favourite tunes, my first CD single I bought was Run-DMC Vs Jason Nevins, and I still listen to Run-DMC's greatest hits while driving in the summer.

I suppose I could forgive them, but that all depends on when the Sugababes Vs Girls Aloud Sex Tape get released.

Labels: charity, music, stupidity, suckage

Everyone has actors who they like, and they'll watch a movie with them in, because they're good at what they do. On the other hand there are actors who no one in their right mind would want to watch, and you actively avoid, lest you try and scrape out your own eyes in protest of what your watching.

A few of the actors who put me off of watching films are:

1. Jennifer Lopez - You would, but everything she does is terrible.
2. Julia Roberts - Almost certainly a chick flick, and not a good one.
3. Richard Gere - He's like a Julia Roberts clone, but with a different chromosome.
4. Patrick Swayze - Except for Donnie Darko, his acting is bad and dancing does not a fighter make.
5. David Caruso - AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I've got quite a lot of actors that force me to rethink watching a film, and generally I'll wait for someone I trust to tell me it's a good film, before I put my eyeballs in harms way. Actors like Hugh Grant, Martin Lawrence, Robert Redford and Sean Penn also provoke this kind of self preservation.

In fact the other week I accidentally watched the first episode of a new series of CSI:Miami. It was fine for about 5 secs, then the slow motion kicked in and my ears started to bleed. Shortly after that Horatio assumed his normal 'cool' position and delivered a cheesy line while looking of into the distance, with his shades on. Once I'd recovered enough during the titles and the screaming stopped I grabbed the remote control and tried to change channels, only to find it didn't work. In desperation I lunged at the TV, the final notes of the titles ringing in my still bleeding ears. I just managed to hit the standby button as Horatio's hideous face one again appeared before me. To be safe I left the TV off for 2 hours, you know, in case it was a double episode.

Labels: CSI, films, suckage, TV

There's supposed to be snow heading our way in the next couple of days, and personally I'm looking forward to it. I'm a winter person, I love snow. I prefer being cold, because that means that I can just put more clothes on, and keep myself warm, whereas in the summer, there's only so many clothes you can take off to keep yourself cool in the heat.

What annoys me about snow, is the stupific reactions of people in this country when there is snow around, beautifully demonstrated here. So here's my Top 5 reasons why I also hate snow:

1. Women always complain about being cold - That's because your wearing a mini-skirt and sandals!
2. The snow we get in this country is pathetic, no chance for a snowman or skiing.
3. The inside of my house gets smokey as we can't open the windows.
4. It's slippery.
5. People drive like they're a Knucklehead McSpazzatron.

If your paying attention you'll probably realise that the only point I was really going for was No. 5, the others are just filler. I do really hate the way people drive in snow. The worst thing is, we hardly ever get snow that settles, so it's not like the roads are treacherous, they're just wet, we have wet roads all the time, what's the big deal. This doesn't mean you can skip work, or step on your break every 5 metres.

It's not like we're living in 3ft of snow, or we have to dig out our cars every day, or we have to drive back from work at 2am in the middle of a blizzard, with 6" of snow on the road, about 2m visibility and a cliff edge to dodge if you lose the road. Which I have done in Canada. After an experience like that you learn to appreciate it when the snow is so light it doesn't even settle on the road. So stop your bitching and learn to drive.

Labels: driving, snow, stupidity, suckage, UK

I had more bad news over the weekend as I found one of my pet rats had died over Friday night. Sneezy wasn't the most originally named pet, and I shouldn't say but she was my favourite. The sneezing was an indication that she had an infection, and she was sneezing when we got her, and despite our efforts, never really got better. She did well to last the six months.

The Wench came and woke me up on Saturday morning, worried that she wasn't moving, so I got up to take a look. We found her curled up in her house, having past away during the night. I was surprised by how upset I was, as I had become very attached to her. Here's my Top 5 things I loved about her:

1. She used to come and say 'Hi' when I got back from work
2. She'd climb up the front of her cage to get a treat, then hang there and eat it
3. She could jump nearly 4 foot from a standing start
4. For a small rodent, she was surprisingly interactive and intelligent
5. When we got them out to play, she was the most adventurous

Sneezy left behind her sister Shy (I bet you can figure out why she was named that). Shy was quite stressed all Saturday and it didn't take us long to decide to get some more friends for her. After all apparently the best toy for a rat, is another rat. But we had a day of mourning and did nothing on Saturday as a mark of respect.

On Sunday we buried Sneezy in my parents garden; our garden is nearly non-existent. Then we went and got two more rats, which we named Misty and Sugar (we've become slightly better at the naming). We weren't going to put them together straight away, but Shy found a way through our defenses and they seemed to be fine together so we left them like that. Shy seemed much happier with the company.

Goodbye Sneezy, you will be missed.

Labels: home, Pets, Rats, suckage, wench

I like the idea of karma, most of the time. I'm not a bad person, I don't do bad things. In fact I like to think of myself as a nice person. I don't go out of my way to be awesome and do really good deeds, but if you dropped your wallet, I'd probably let you know as you were walking off, or I'd try and get it back to you.

Which is why I can't understand when a whole bunch of bad stuff ends up on me and the Wench all at once. What heinous murders or other wrongdoings must I have committed in a past life to be this unlucky? Here's my top 5 reasons for feeling done over by karma:

1. Late payment charge
2. Ground Rent
3. Maintenance Fee
4. MOT
5. Plumber's call out charge

The late payment charge was kind of our fault, the Wench has changed jobs, so we're a bit low on cash, and she became overdrawn on an account. The MOT is on our car which is only ours as our last one got written off in an accident that wasn't my fault (seriously, it was parked and I was at work in a different city), so we had to get a cheap replacement which now needs work to keep it going. The ground rent and maintenance fee are for our flat, WHICH WE OWN, so this is on top of our mortgage. We were led to believe this would be around £200 a year, but in reality it's over 3 times that amount.

Finally the plumbing charge. Our washing machine was fitted by the site manager of our flats as they were still being built as we moved in. He did it as a favour to save us some money. Later on the washing machine leaked as it had not been properly fitted. The resulting charge for the plumber was £130+ (around $260) for him to TIGHTEN SOME SCREWS! I don't know about you, but to me that seems like anal rape on an intergalactic scale. I hope karma rains down on that plumber for the rest of his life and it's about time some good shit started happening to us.

Labels: bills, home, suckage, wench

Yeah, you knew it had to be coming...

While York is a really nice place to live, it's not without it's downsides. It may be a city, but it's pretty small. While this is a plus point, after all, I don't like busy cities, it can be negative at times. It means that there's fewer jobs, and less room in the centre at busy times. Here's my top 5 reasons that I don't like living in York:

1. There's not many jobs in my sector so I have to work in Leeds
2. I hate the buses
3. I hate the trains
4. I hate the tourists
5. It's far away from all my old friends

I went to boarding school in south England, but York is in the north, making it hard to see my old friends. While I now have new friends I think it's a shame to be so far away from the mates I grew up with. We meet up a few times a year and try to keep in touch, but there can be a long time between visits.

The main things I hate about York have to do with travel, and mostly commuting. I'm new to the whole commuting thing, and it's not one of my favourite pastimes. I've done a few posts about this before, mainly whining about the buses and trains, if I worked in York this would be less of a problem.

Finally the tourists... Oh my god the tourists... It would be fine if there weren't so many of them and they weren't so stupid. It's great that your visiting and learning about our history, but could you not take up the whole street when I'm rushing to the bank with a huge hangover, sweating and tired on a freezing Saturday morning? Thanks.

Labels: friends, hangover, suckage, tourists, york

Currently England is in the grip of Gale force winds. While these may not be the strongest winds in the world it's still really annoying weather. I find wind is my least favourite type of weather. Rain can be nice, and it's not going to kill you, and I love snow. But as soon as you add wind in to the mix everything sucks that little bit more. A downpour becomes a storm, snow becomes a blizzard, a sunny day becomes cold.

Generally wind is useless except for ruining your day. Here's my top 5 reasons why:

1. It serves hardly any purpose.
2. It can make any other kind of weather worse.
3. It's hell to drive in.
4. It can ruin the nicest day.
5. It means that somewhere else in the world it's hot.

Wind is the only truely life threatening weather, outside of freak occurences. It makes stuff fall out of the sky, it knocks down trees, powerlines and even houses. I'd rather drive in any other kind of weather than wind, even a literal rain of cats and dogs. I'd just turn my wipers on and head home as fast as possible, hoping my car would make it before being pummeled into submission by the falling animals. How long could a rain like that really last anyway?

Labels: suckage, UK, wind