I'm going to Hell

At boarding school I was the kid with the films. At the time hardly anyone had games consoles, I managed to get a PlayStation a bit late in the game. Quite a few people had N64s which we used to 'borrow' to play 4 player MarioKart or GoldenEye. However my main claim was my TV, then my TV/VCR combo. I used to live in Cyprus, where there was no such thing as copyright and I could get pirated videos of the latest blockbuster by walking to the NAAFI (the UK version of a US PX).

One of the weirdest examples I have of this is a young friend asking if I wanted to watch this new film his Dad had bought, it's called 'Jurassic Park' or something. I thought it was pretty good, but the guy on screen who's head was in the way was a little annoying. Afterwards I went home and walked in as the news was reporting how people had queued around the block to watch that very film back in England.

I kept buying videos, they were ridiculously cheap, and I had a case of them I would take to school, to watch and lend. My favourites at the time amongst me and my friends a few years later were:

1. The Rock (1996)
2. Pulp Fiction (1994)
3. Bad Boys (1995)
4. The Usual Suspects (1995)
5. White Men Can't Jump (1992)

We knew each of these films pretty much line by line. I had a fairly limited collection of videos so we used to watch them A LOT. Back then only a few people had their own PCs or laptops, and time available on someone else's was mostly spent playing Duke Nukem 3D or X-COM: Terror From The Deep. Internet connections were barely available in school buildings let alone boarding houses, so there was no Internet, no downloading, a feeble amount of digital porn and the occasional film brought in from home on multiple CDs. That was how I first saw The Phantom Menace, on 3 CDs before it had even been released.

I think one of my favourite moments was creeping down the dorm while eight people were sat in the dark after lights out watching House on Haunted Hill. I reached through the curtain and grabbed the closest shoulder at a particularly scary bit and then listened to the chain reaction of screams. Of course if you watch a bad film you can always forward to about 38:19mins into Wild Things and remove the bad memories. I recall having to do this after watching Animal Farm. Not the cartoon version.

Labels: films, friends, fun, teenagers, TV, UK

Nostalgia is a funny thing. While I revel in stuff from my past and relive great experiences there's always the times when you realise just how crap everything used to be. For example there's a lot of computer games I've tried again which are just rubbish, films that are totally unwatchable, food I'd rather use to waterproof my attic than eat again. There's also Thundercats the Movie.

Nostalgia is probably a billion dollar pound industry now. The reason for this is the liberties people take with your most treasured childhood memories. Here's a few examples:

1. The Wicker Man
2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
3. Rollerball
4. The Italian Job
5. The Star Wars Prequels

It's true that I've only listed films, but this is mostly what I come across nowadays. I could just as easily have listed song covers, or remade children's cartoons. However films are probably where you are most likely to see this. Hollywood remakes are shockingly awful. Sure every now and again they'll pull out 'The Magnificent Seven', but then you'll also get 'Alvin and the Chipmunks', or 'The Grudge', or 'Psycho'.

Now it's a free for all. Anything is game. We are so hard up for original ideas everything is being remade or given a sequel. Doom got a new game AND a film. I don't have a problem with exploring an idea, or putting it in a different country/time period/planet/all of the above, or at least making it good. As long as people realise not everything is going to be as good as bringing back Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles again.

Labels: assholes, crap, films, nostalgia, shame, stupidity, suckage

OK, just to disappoint you I'll clarify that maybe 'ashamed' is too strong a word. I'll admit that I like these films if they come up in conversation. Most of the time I'm met with disbelief, although there was that time I ended up with 6 stitches. To be fair I did call her Mum a whore and curse her family, I wonder how that's working out. I consider these films underrated classics, so I don't mind sticking up for them, especially if the reason the conversation came up is to diss John Woo. No one disses The Woo! Anyway, here's my five films:

1. Transformers The Movie (1986) - 42%
2. Army of Darkness - 78%
3. Hard Target - 32%
4. Hulk - 61%
5. What Dreams May Come - 56%
*Scores courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes*

OK, I am kind of ashamed of liking What Dreams May Come, I think I could officially have my balls revoked for admitting it. It's a good film though! It looks awesome and the dude goes to hell to get his wife back. You've got to admit that is impressive. Plus The Wench loves it so I score points for watching it with her.

Hulk is underrated and got a slating for no good reason. So what if the hulk didn't smash enough, that probably would've been even more boring. OK, so it was fairly boring. But it was the kind of comic book film that should be made, not just action, it actually has a story as well. On the other hand Hard Target is probably Van Damme's best film, except maybe Universal Soldier, that was awesome.

I have no excuse for Transformers. Except this.

Labels: comedy, films, shame, wench

A lot of people like Zombies. I was going to say everyone, but I don't think that reanimated rotting corpses are everyone's cup of tea. I think the reason I like the Zombie genre is because it kind of crosses over into the post-apocalyptic genre as well, and I love all that Mad Max type stuff.

I loved all the George Romero films, Night of the Living Dead (He's coming to get you Barbara!), and even his latest Land of the Dead, which a lot of people slated. I especially like the Resident Evil games, battling through destroyed towns and Zombie infestations, always good to play on a dark night. Other than that I've also recently:

1. Read World War Z
2. Watched 'Dawn of the Dead' (The new one)
3. Read 'The Walking Dead' Comic
4. Got excited about 'Left 4 Dead'
5. Love 'Shaun of the Dead'

I like seeing or reading about things which may happen in a zombie invasion, but out of the ordinary. You can get a basic overview from George Romero's films, get somewhere easy to defend, with stores of food and some weapons. World War Z is a view from past the conflict, made up of interviews of survivors from all levels of society. It's interesting to see how governments might react, what tactics the military would come up with, how certain professions or buildings would be used to help the war effort.

The Walking Dead also has some interesting ideas, but the comic is mostly about the human reactions to the situation. Families trying to make it, groups meeting and breaking, it's kind of like a more extreme zombie infested soap opera, with more flesh eating, it's a good read and I'd recommend it.

Labels: comics, films, fun, horror, zombies

I have been sehr, sehr busy at work these last couple of weeks (months?). We've been working on a new web site which is absolutely massive. It's the biggest site our company has ever had to produce and we've had about 3 months to do it. We're pretty much into testing and back end stuff right now, but it's debatable whether or not we're going to hit our August deadline.

I was going to say that my post rate is going to increase and hopefully I'll get back to where I was posting a few times a week, but it's doubtful that'll happen for at least another few more weeks. In the meantime this is what's keeping me busy:

1. The new site project
2. Laziness
3. Commuting
4. Maintaining all our websites
5. Trying to relax while at home

The most annoying thing at the moment is that combining my commute and my commitments at home, and spending time with the Wench means I have very little time to myself. Everyone needs some alone time and I don't really get any to myself. I'm a gamer who doesn't game, a film nerd who can't watch films and apparently a blogger, despite my recent absence.

But it hasn't all been bad news. I recently got a promotion, meaning I can start to dig myself out of our numerous debts, and possibly get a decent car. We've also finally gotten our Sky+ (this is like a British version of TIVO), which will help with my film nerd dreams as I now get to record whatever I want to watch, so I don't have to watch crap like Holby City, Property Ladder, or the soul sapping, migraine inducing, bowel relaxing, intelligence lowering, horror laden, retard infested abomination that is Big Brother.

Labels: commuting, films, laziness, Sky+, TV, UK, work

So over two weeks after I said I was going to see 300 I finally managed to drag the Wench to the cinema to see it on The Big Screen. It was definitely worth the effort. The only thing I can think though is that it's probably not going to be as good the second time round. Sure it's impressive, the visuals are stunning, and everything looks just like a moving comic book, but other than all the dudes with rippling muscles killing hundreds of masked samurai-esque warriors what are you going to concentrate on now you know what's coming? What am I talking about? It was AWESOME!!

In honour of the magnificence that was 300 I give you my Top 5 Spartans:

1. Michigan State Spartans
2. John Spartan
3. Master Chief
4. Kratos
5. King Leonidas

The Spartans were apparently the finest soldiers the world has ever produced. What happened to them? If they were that great they can't have been annihilated. Maybe they moved. Or maybe, like those other highly evolved killers of long ago, the dinosaurs, they evolved into something else?* Yeah, maybe they just got so good at killing people and being the ultimate soldiers that they evolved into ninjas. Then they all disappeared, never to be heard from again, only to be remembered for their past deeds before they moved on to a higher plane of existence.

*Note: I think this is crap, the dinosaurs were killed off by a time-travelling idiot with the flu.

Labels: films, history, late, science, stupidity, wench

At last, I drag together enough time and inspiration to squeeze out another post. It's been a long time coming but don't get too over excited.

I've seen a lot of arguments recently, I've not participated in many, but I've witnessed quite a few. Arguments in modern times seem to quickly dissolve into shouting matches, with all sides deciding they'll win if they repeat themselves the most at the highest volume. Well this may work for dogs and retards, but civilised human beings should use one of these less violent and noisy alternatives:

1. Each side can put forth a well thought out and coherent argument, before hearing the next participants viewpoint, then decide on a course of action, possibly a compromise to the benefit of all parties.
2. Flip a coin
3. Rock, Paper, Scissors
4. Russian Roulette
5. Fight to the death

Personally I find a flip of the coin works quite well. Sure it doesn't always work, but if your bad at presenting your point then winning half your arguments, even against superior debaters arguers is a pretty good win/loss ratio.

As a solution to arguments I think that quite often fighting to the death is neglected as a possible alternative. In a better time gentlemen would challenge each other to duels in order to settle a quarrel, not stand about in the street in the middle of the night, yelling incomprehensible babble at each other until one side wonders off, is hit by a car, or falls asleep. I'm a firm believer in letting whoever is the finest swordsman or greatest shot win an argument. Even in the future we know that inevitably all disputes will be decided in the Thunderdome, just as they were hundreds of years ago. Two men enter, one man leaves! Two men enter, one man leaves!

Labels: drinking, films, history, stupidity

It's sad that I think I'm getting old. I'm only 24 for God's sake. I still have nearly 40 years left till I retire! That's an even more depressing thought, as I have that long left to work. I'm not even middle aged yet. I'm not even late twenties, I'm still in my mid-twenties.

So for a change I'm going to whine for a bit and then decide on exactly what makes me feel old. Here's what I have so far:

1. I dream about doing nothing.
2. I know what nostalgia is.
3. I get irritated at my neighbours' loud music.
4. I ache after exercise.
5. My 25th birthday is this Sunday.

After reading my list I've decided I'm no longer going to lay about and feel old, instead I will do exercise, play games and get drunk. And then feel old. The truth is I don't really think I've changed all that much. I'm not as active as I used to be, but I used to be forced to do that stuff, I never had the inclination to do it on my own. I still want the same things, listen to the same types of music, watch the same types of films etc. My free time is the only thing that lets me down, and makes me feel behind. I can't keep up with books, films and music like I did when I had nothing else to do.

So it's not that I feel old, as in ancient, elderly or archaic (thanks thesaurus.com!), instead I feel that I'm growing up, becoming more mature, and hence out of touch with the cool kids on The Street. I should feel better having realised this, but instead I just miss having time to do everything I wanted to. Well I'm making time to go and see 300 tonight, that's a start!

Labels: birthdays, exercise, films, music, suckage

When I was at boarding school I was the only kid there who had a video player, and a decent collection of videos as well. I was at school at around the time DVDs were coming out, so there were a lot of sales on at the time, and my video collection was pretty large. Unfortunately since then my video player has died so I now have to try and replace them all.

Anyway, we used to say a lot of lines from the films we watched, and I was known for being able to name the films they were from. Here's 5 to test your film knowledge:

1. "I hope I give you the shits, you fucking wimp."
2. "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY."
3. "You want to be a big cop in a small town, fuck off to the Model Village."
4. "You can put a cat in an oven, but that don't make it a biscuit."
5. "What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong"

I'm not sure many will get number 3, as it's a new film and I don't know if it's been released in the US yet. The rest are out on DVD, so you've got a fair chance of getting them.

I'm a bit of a dork at heart, not a geek or a nerd, well maybe a little bit. There is a fine line between the two. It seems that dorks are a bit more socially active, so they're allowed their geeky habits, they have friends and girlfriends. My main interests include movies and videogames, and I'm a programmer by trade, but I also have quite a few friends and get out a lot, making me an acceptable geek, or a dork. The Wench was horrified to find out I considered myself a bit geeky. I am a bit of geek though, look, I'm writing in my blog.

Labels: films, friends, fun, history, quiz, wench

I am a smoker. I'm a bit of a rubbish smoker as well. I only really smoke when the Wench smokes, and she's been smoking since she was 4, or something like that. I only smoke a lot when I'm drinking, and it's when I'm drinking I really get the urge to smoke as well.

I keep trying to give the Wench reasons to quit, but they never work, and I'm too lazy to quit if she keeps on doing it, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle, as I could be leading by example. Here are some of the reasons I've given her to quit:

1. It's expensive
2. It smells
3. Wheezing/coughing/general unhealthiness
4. Lung cancer
5. There are NO benefits

The weird thing is there are NO BENEFITS to smoking. Yet it's such a popular habit. People claim it relaxes you. The only time having a cigarette has relaxed me was when I hadn't had one for 2 days and my body was craving the nicotine. It's only relaxing if your addicted and jonesing for a hit. On the other hand it has some monstrous negatives, listing death as one of it's main downsides.

Why do people start smoking? It tastes terrible to begin with. I can't get the Wench to give me a proper reason as to why she started. As far as I can figure it her friend started and she thought it was cool. And it is. It is cool to smoke. But she won't admit it. I started smoking because I thought it was cool, and so did a lot of people I know. It made you look older, feel more grown up and kids looked up to you. Look at all the movies, all the cool characters smoked: James Bond, Fonzie and Bender to name a few. But I really should quit now, look what happened to Darth Vader.

Labels: cigarettes, films, health, stupidity, suckage, teenagers, TV, wench

Everyone has actors who they like, and they'll watch a movie with them in, because they're good at what they do. On the other hand there are actors who no one in their right mind would want to watch, and you actively avoid, lest you try and scrape out your own eyes in protest of what your watching.

A few of the actors who put me off of watching films are:

1. Jennifer Lopez - You would, but everything she does is terrible.
2. Julia Roberts - Almost certainly a chick flick, and not a good one.
3. Richard Gere - He's like a Julia Roberts clone, but with a different chromosome.
4. Patrick Swayze - Except for Donnie Darko, his acting is bad and dancing does not a fighter make.
5. David Caruso - AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I've got quite a lot of actors that force me to rethink watching a film, and generally I'll wait for someone I trust to tell me it's a good film, before I put my eyeballs in harms way. Actors like Hugh Grant, Martin Lawrence, Robert Redford and Sean Penn also provoke this kind of self preservation.

In fact the other week I accidentally watched the first episode of a new series of CSI:Miami. It was fine for about 5 secs, then the slow motion kicked in and my ears started to bleed. Shortly after that Horatio assumed his normal 'cool' position and delivered a cheesy line while looking of into the distance, with his shades on. Once I'd recovered enough during the titles and the screaming stopped I grabbed the remote control and tried to change channels, only to find it didn't work. In desperation I lunged at the TV, the final notes of the titles ringing in my still bleeding ears. I just managed to hit the standby button as Horatio's hideous face one again appeared before me. To be safe I left the TV off for 2 hours, you know, in case it was a double episode.

Labels: CSI, films, suckage, TV