I'm going to Hell

I didn't really put a lot of thought into the nickname I gave my girlfriend before I decided to call her the Fluff. I don't really like the sound of it that much, so I'm going to rename her. I've probably put her real name in an entry somewhere, but as I don't use my name, I figure I shouldn't really use hers either.

I've come up with a few names, and put them in categories, listed below:

Offensive: Slut, Whore, Streetwalker, Hooker, Harlot, Tart
Servile: Wench, Squaw, Maid
General: Broad, Damsel, Missus, Dame, Girl, Lady, Mate, Fiancee, Girlfriend, Woman
Affectionate: Babe, Minx, Nymph, Nymphet, Cutie, Bunny
Royal: Empress, Princess, Queen, Countess, Contessa

I quite like Tart or Wench, but something from the General section or later would be more appropriate. All of the affectionate category are a little too nicknamish for a blog, and despite her royal blood I don't think Queen or Empress is quite right. Which leaves me to take something a little more middle of the road, nothing too outstanding, but nothing derogatory, while it may be funny to begin with, it may cause problems later.

So, the Fluff will henceforth be known as: The Damsel The Wench

If she ever finds out I can point out that I could've called her the Buxom Wench, that should help my cause... Who am I kidding, if she finds out I'm dead!

I've been on holiday since last Wednesday, and unlike normal couples the Fluff and I dedicated most of our time to doing nothing. Well I did, the Fluff actually managed to get herself another job during this time.

There's something happening tonight I've waited a long time for, so here's what's going to happen:

1. Leaving work as soon as possible
2. Getting home as fast as possible
3. Eating dinner as quickly as possible
4. Having sex
5. Playing Guitar Hero II

I would've said 'having sex as quickly as possible', but let's face it, even if I do get some (and the Fluff is as eager to try out Guitar Hero II as I am) it will be quick enough without me trying to make it end sooner.

But yes, Guitar Hero II has arrived screeching it's awesomness into my face and hammering my brain with it's stupendability. I think if I actually play it, I may never be heard from again, only found lying in a pool of my own waste, plastic guitar controller laid in my lap, the Fluff in a similar state beside me, our faces fixed into a permanent and grotesque rock mask, our fingers warped and misshapen shadows of their former glory. It's going to be ace!

I caught on TV this morning the final debate on The Wright Stuff, which is a kind of chat/discussion show where they talk about various current topics. The final topic was 'tips for new mothers'. I vaguely heard a few of the comments, but at the end they had a summary of what they considered to be the top tips given, here they are:

1. Rest while you can
2. Eat well
3. Your not only a mum
4. Do kegel and other exercises
5. Think about contraception

The first 3 seem fair enough, and were actually tips given by older women, who have had their own kids. The fourth one I actually just made up, but makes sense if you ever want to have kids again or not be a single mother. I often get comments on my kind and supportive nature.

The final tip seems a bit redundant. It seems a trifle overdue to be telling a mother about contraception. I'm sure many mothers would've been happy to think about contraception nine months ago, had it been brought up, but the moment has passed now and the kid has already graced the world with it's presence. Unless of course you favour the 'pulling out' method, popular amongst unwed teenage mothers or the old faithful Catholic methods of contraception. In fact scrap the last one, if your Catholic you'll be happily married before you have any sex, so your babies will be raised in a loving and stable environment, so carry on you have no need for contraception.

Tip: Kegel exercises are good at any time, not just after giving birth *wink*

It's come to my own attention that I've come across rather sexist or dismissive of women in some of my posts, I'd like to say mostly I'm just making fun, I like women, I have a lot of female friends.

Women do a lot of stuff they don't need to do, like dress up all nice and strut around for men to gawp at longingly. Women don't need to do this, women have it so easy they can pretty much do what they want. some of them think they need to do this, but most of them do it anyway, and the men love them for it. Here's my Top 5 reasons why:

1. Pleated mini skirts - It must be a leg thing with me...
2. Plain white tops - There's something about white wife beaters on a woman that's very sexy
3. Suspenders/Stockings - They just look good, with or without the belt
4. Thongs - A guy probably invented them, but bless you for humouring us
5. Boots - A nice pair of fuck-me boots can go a long way

On behalf of men everywhere I'd like to thank the women of the world for being such good sports. Men probably invented most of these items, and I've been reliably informed that at least 3 of these items are uncomfortable to wear. Yet these items of clothing still exist and women still buy them and wear them. Thank you, thank you very much.

In fact a woman could wear all of these items at once, transforming herself into some kind amazing super being, capable of demanding anything from men, possibly in exchange for sexual favours. Hang on, that's a whore, right? Dammit I did it again!

I love watching nature programs. It's a sad fact that tells me that I'm getting older, but the BBCs excellent documentaries are amazing. It makes the discovery channel look like an unprofessional rabble still in film school trying to impress their girlfriends. The BBC is the nuts as far as nature programs goes. Were you impressed with March of the Penguins? So was I. I was even more impressed when the BBC cut the sentimental stuff and provided the same documentary in about 20mins, along with the other creatures in Antarctica and the North Pole.

The series the BBC is currently showing is called 'Planet Earth' it showed last weeks episode on 'Ice Worlds' then this weeks episode on 'Great Plains'. It's quite possibly the most graphic and gruesome series I've seen in a while, maybe a little too real. Here's my top 5 things I saw in the 2 episodes that made me realise how cruel nature can be:

1. 'March of the Penguins' the abriged version.
2. A polar bear starving to death after swimming solidly for 5 days and having food right next to him.
3. A caribou calf being hunted and killed by a wolf.
4. Lions bringing down an adult elephant.
5. A fox feeding it's cute cubs cute chicks.

Possibly the harshest example was my final point. These geese lay their eggs on a huge grassy plain, of course foxes turn up and try and get eggs and chicks. One time a really cute looking arctic fox turned up and managed to get near the chicks, killing all of them but one. At this point the mother returns and chases off the fox, who drops all his prey in the fight, but manages to grab one back before legging it. Of course it manages to grab the only live chick left. The mother goose is now inconsolable having lost all her babies. What a bitch you think, as the fox runs off. Then you see her feeding the chick to her four incredibly cute pups. It seems harsh, but otherwise her pups will die. All this cuteness killed, so that other cute things can live. It was then I realised the true lesson, you are what you eat.

Having finally lived with a woman for a long period of time, rather than just getting together for the good stuff, I've learned some disturbing things. Women are a different species. I long ago decided that I will never understand a woman, no matter how much research, money or practice I got, you can only hope to maintain one, never understand one.

After I'd accepted this fact my life has become a lot easier, just get on with stuff and point out occasionally how mental the woman in your life is to her, if she tries to blame you for anything. Here are the Top 5 things I will NEVER get about women:

1. You want to tell me your problems, but you don't want any help.
2. All their hints - I'm a man, if I want something I ask for it.
3. The selective memory.
4. The Hypocrisy - I do it too, but I admit I'm a hypocrite.
5. The need for a huge awesome wedding

I do not understand weddings. It's supposed to be this huge event, the happiest day of a woman's life! That should be when she sees the kitchen in her new house *wink*. Seriously though, it's like girls are conditioned from birth for this, and it's so traumatic and stressful. I fail to see the appeal. And I'm the one from a family where my parents are still married, hers are divorced.

My fiancee is asking my opinion on what we should have at our wedding. I try and say as little as possible, knowing full well I will be labeled a retard for saying something she doesn't like, so I just agree. It's not my day, it's hers, she should plan what she wants, I just get told my ideas are rubbish anyway. Then she tells me I don't care.

It's all a conspiracy from the wedding industry, just like Christmas was invented by Coca Cola, and Valentine's Day was invented by Hallmark.