I'm going to Hell

Secret Santa always seems like a bit of a cop out, but if your short on pennies, ideas or even friends, it's a good way of joining in with the Christmas fun.

At my office we decided to set a limit of £5, and as none of us are particularly swimming in cash this seemed fair enough. Here's my Top 5 suggestions for a present:

1. A Gift Certificate - The ultimate in thoughtlessness, unless it's from a woman and is redeemable for hot loving.
2. A pint - One drink? For a fiver? How cheap are you?
3. A rubber band gun - Office warfare here we come.
4. A USB Missile Launcher - For the cubicle commando who has everything else.
5. A Lapdance.

In the end I got a radio controlled car, I don't expect it to last long, but I'm sure I can have some fun with it. I got my victim presentee(?) a small slingshot, complete with soft foam balls to fire at the receptionist. If he fires any of them at me, I'll just wire some home made explosives to my radio controlled car and drive it under his swiveling chair, like a mini suicide bomber. It'll be just like America taking down Iraq after supplying them with weapons. Don't bite the hand that feeds...

I've never heard of them before, but apparently Blendtec blenders are to blending like Superman is to retarded chickens. By that I mean that compared to a normal blender, or a retarded chicken in Superman's case, Blendtec blenders are in a whole new class.

I've never seen these adverts before, but I've heard that in America these are quite popular. Here are my favourite videos from the bunch, where the guy uses the blender to blend some everyday objects:

1. An iPod
2. Pens
3. A Bottled Beverage
4. Golf Balls
5. Marbles

All I could think of watching these videos was how much I needed one of these blenders. Not that I blend a lot of stuff, but I would. It wouldn't be edible either, I'd just make it my life's work to try and break one with something ridiculous, or use it to dispose of bodies, because I'm running out of room under my patio and the neighbours are getting inquisitive about my late night digging.

I commute every weekday to work, which means I have to get the train, as there aren't enough car parking spaces at my work for me to park. I would gladly take longer to drive to work than have to get the train every day.

Recently the company that runs the trains I take decided to buy new trains. This should have been excellent, a new shiny and improved train service, faster, more comfortable and with air conditioning! Here's the top 5 things I hate about these new trains:

1. They sway, which makes standing up on them difficult.
2. They have massive double doors, reducing seat numbers and letting all the cold air in
3. They are slower than the old trains
4. I haven't figured where to stand yet to get next to the doors when the train stops
5. They have far fewer seats

I can live with all the other problems, but the lack of seats is ridiculous. You expect new trains to improve your commute, but now I have to stand all the way to work as there are less seats. Where's the logic in this? The person who designed these new trains is unlikely to have ever actually been on a train in his life, or he'd know what commuters want the most. How can they expect more people to use public transport when they can't support the people who use it already? And the real kicker is that my ticket is going up by £10 next month. Happy New Year!

I found something stupid the other day. This is the guide for the Top 50 mistakes men make when having sex. It honestly reads like it's been written by a 13 year old girl, or Disney. If you HAVE to have sex, for God's sake make sure you do it right, or don't do it at all!

Luckily at the bottom I also found this, in the form of a retort. This is a proper guide for women, and the best I've ever read. It should be taught in schools! Here's my Top 5 mistakes mentioned in it:

1. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
2. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
3. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
4. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
5. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

The picture on the side is of the wonderful angel-who-has-become-my-new-stalker-obsession who wrote this article. Luckily for me the Wench is aware of most of these mistakes, although I'll still be showing her the list to further point out where she's been going wrong. I can't go wrong, I've only been wrong once, and that was where I thought I was wrong, but I was really right.

To celebrate Day of the Ninja we are all encouraged to act like a ninja for a day. We can't all actually BE ninjas for a day, as we haven't had a lifetimes worth of training and awesomeness implants, but for one day, we can ACT like ninjas, to make the world a little more deadly.

Here are a few things you can try to act like a ninja:

1. Make a ninja mask out of a t-shirt
2. Make a paper shuriken (Your only acting like a ninja remember)
3. Practice blending in with your environment
4. Research and find out 'What would a Ninja do?'
5. Try not to flip out and kill too many people

Personally I'll be wearing my mask and flinging stars all the way home from work, and if I see any police I'll blend into the background. Probably by taking the mask off and walking into a bar, ninjas are smart like that. You can't be too careful running around in a mask these days, I might be mistaken for a terrorist or something, and unlike real ninjas, I can be killed by conventional weapons, and severely injured by police beatings.