I'm going to Hell

I have to commute to work, I'm sure I've mentioned this before a few times. I have to take the train, and I pay about £1800, about $3500. For that sort of money I should be getting free meals and a bed on my train. However most of the time I manage to get a seat, and that's good enough for me, as I either read, sleep or play on my DS.

Most of the people I travel with are nice enough, they are courteous and polite, we apologise to one another if we get in each others way, or say thank you if they let us pass. But there's always a few oxygen thieves around who make commuting even more tiresome. Here are the top 5 things that make you an asshole commuter:

1. Standing on the left of the escalator.
2. Stopping suddenly in the middle of the flow of commuters.
3. Not moving into the train so more people can get on.
4. Complaining loudly about nothing.
5. Standing in front of the train doors.

On the way to work these things are barely noticed through my blurry and semi-comatose morning haze. I stumble on to the train and claim a seat, throwing my bag into the overhead storage and sitting down as quickly as I can. I then either slip back into unconsciousness and drool over myself for half an hour, or try and do something active to stir my brain from a porridge-like mess into an effervescent bowl of coke and pop rocks.

By the time it comes to getting home again I'm tired and irritable. The people in my way are no longer ignored, they're infuriating. The ancient crone complaining has a voice like cutlery scraping on glass, instead of the dull muttering of this morning. The final straw is the idiot trying to force his way past me as I'm getting off the train at home, generally he just ends up back on the platform again as everyone exits the train. I fail to see the point of trying to get on the train while people are getting off, it's like a salmon swimming up a waterfall. Sure you'll get there eventually, but then your just going to lay your eggs and die. Wait... what?

Labels: assholes, commuting, DS, stupidity, suckage, york

I've had a mobile phone for about 9 years. At first I had a pay as you go phone, but I never had the money to put more credit on it, and my parents wouldn't pay for it as I didn't call them, and they could still call me.

Eventually I had to pay for my own phone, and in order to get a decent one I had to get a contract, otherwise the phones were too expensive. Over the years my contracts have become gradually more and more expensive as I always want a new phone. My top five reasons not to own a mobile are:

1. I can never be bothered to change any of the default settings.
2. The games are rubbish.
3. I hate the annoying ringtones.
4. It costs a small fortune.
5. People can get hold of you anywhere.

I don't know why a phone maker hasn't decided to make JUST A PHONE. The best phone I ever owned was smaller than a RAZR, and it worked wonderfully. Since then I've had phones that take pictures (badly), let you play crap games (badly), let you record videos (badly) and listen to music (badly). Of course I'm the only person I can blame, after all I already own a camera, a nintendo DS, a video camera and an MP3 player. No one ever forced me to buy a piece of technology which does several jobs badly, even the one you bought it for, kind of like a retarded handy man.

It's the male desire to always have the newest and the best, the latest gadget on the street, to be the coolest and have something to show your mates. Even though you've already shown them all your other gadgets, which specialise in all the jobs your new phone does so terribly, and they don't play a soul shatteringly shite version of some already crap tune like 'My Humps' when someone calls you.

Labels: DS, music, phones, stupidity, suckage

I'm usually pretty good at deciding on presents, I've come up with some really good ones in the past. The trouble is that the Wench's birthday is so close to Christmas, I've already used my good ideas a few weeks before. I normally ask for ideas as well, to try and get some creative juices oozing, but so far everything she's come up with has been delegated to other family members.

Even more unfortunate is the fact that I've left it so late to get her present this year, as her birthday is on Sunday. I better remember to at least get a card... Here's my top 5 ideas for presents so far.

1. A DS game - I got her one for Christmas and now all she plays is Solitaire.
2. A Wii game - She seemed very interested in Warioware Smooth Moves.
3. Money for clothes - A cop out, but I dare not buy them myself and she needs new work clothes.
4. Her Soul - I won it from her in a bet the other week.
5. A Slave 'Adopt' some home help - Possibly illegal, but the orphan would be so glad of the home they wouldn't tell anyone.

Not a great list, but I think some home help would be a great idea. That way we'd have so much more free time to spend together as well, we wouldn't have to do any laundry, washing up, cleaning, or changing our pets. I think we could leave teaching the orphan to cook until later, it's best not to get them too over qualified too quickly as they'd want to move out and get a job to earn some money of their own. That does sound like quite a commitment though, I know it sounds cute having an orphan of your own, but how long do they stay like that?

Labels: birthdays, DS, orphan, presents, wench, wii