I'm going to Hell

It seems a little strange to me that a country as small as ours would feel good enough about itself to put 'Great' in front of it's name. It makes me wonder who we're trying to convince, the rest of the world, or ourselves. I always hear people complaining about living here, but if you think about it a bit, it's actually an awesome place to live!

Here's five reasons why this little Britain really is Great:

1. We used to have the largest empire in history, spanning a quarter of the world.
2. Music
3. Free health care on the NHS
4. Drinking at 18
5. Sex at 16

Sure we always bang on about what we used to own, but the point is when this country was a little younger we really were an over-achieving bunch. We make up for that now by continually losing to the rest of the world at sports we invented.

We still have good music, and an amazing history of music, even inventing Metal (Thanks Ozzy!). But we're also famous for the Beatles, The Who and The Rolling Stones. Not to mention more recent great bands like Led Zeppelin, Queen, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden. We were also well into Punk, with the Sex Pistols and The Clash. In the 80s there was New Wave, but the less said about that the better.

I like this country's drinking culture. It's always raised as a negative, but I myself am a binge drinker, and I like doing it. I like that I could drink (legally) from 18, and have sex at 16, I felt I was old enough and responsible enough to do those things. I still drink as much as I did at 15 18 and I don't plan on slowing down. Sure this may eventually lead to some problems later in my life, but on the positive side, health care is free!

Labels: drinking, fun, health, history, music, nostalgia, teenagers, UK

As fun as Download Festival is every year, it's always great to get home. I enjoy camping quite a bit, but at a festival it's not quite the same. You don't have as much room, you don't have ready access to your car (it's a 50 minute walk away), the toilets are always far away and they stink. And if you want a shower you have to wait hours for it.

The camping is something to be endured, not enjoyed. No one enjoys camping at a festival. The only good thing about camping is... hang on... I'll think of something... It's doesn't take as long to get into the arena the next day! Ha! I knew I could think of some reason! Now for 5 reasons why I'm glad to be home:

1. My living quarters are no longer a tent
2. There is a supermarket just down the road
3. I don't have to walk everywhere
4. I can have a shower/wash whenever I want
5. I have immediate access to a toilet

For days my bathroom has been a pack of wet wipes, my kitchen a camping stove and a bag of various cans (all the labels got ripped off the first night), my toilet the camp fence (or a 10 minute walk to an indescribable hell) and my changing room an oven temperature tent. Waking up every morning with a hangover really didn't help.

Needless to say I'm glad to be back, despite the sun and boozing. After an hour long shower where my skin changed colour 4 times I felt refreshed and clean, hungry and a little sad. Sure the camping experience is just a small step from being a refugee, but refugees don't have a bunch of awesome bands to rock out to everyday. Although nor do they have to pay for the privilege.

Labels: crap, downloadfestival, drinking, hangover, home, horror, music, suckage, sun

I'm off to the Download Festival again this year. I'm leaving in about 30mins actually. The Wench's brother (let's call him Bitch for now) is already there, with his tent set up and waiting for us. This year Bitch supplied the tent, a £100 10-man mansion, for just 4 people: Me, the Wench, Bitch and his band mate Spider (not his real name, but he is a drummer).

I'm currently waiting to leave, I've got half an hour. the last 3 days have been the slowest of my life! I've been looking forward to the music I've got to listen to, alcohol to drink, fields to pass out in and all the rest. Here's who I'm looking forward to seeing:

1. Wolfmother
2. Korn
3. Iron Maiden
4. Marilyn Manson
5. Linkin Park

Of course they're not the only bands there I'll see. I'll also watch Mastodon, Megadeth, Slayer, Lamb of God and many other wholesome and family friendly bands. Last year was a great festival, hot, sunny, lots of friends, good music and women giving away free Snickers Ice Creams. I hope this year lives up to it. Even though the music isn't as good, and the weather is likely to be cloudy and not as many people I know are going, I'm sure I'll struggle through.

What am I talking about? It's going to be awesome, or off the hook as the kids say nowadays. I've got 4 litres of vodka for me and the Wench to get through, and a whole lot more which should add to the weekend as well. The Red Bull X-Fighters are there this year as well, hopefully brightening my day with some comedy crashes as they've stolen the only piece of shade in the entire arena. If I blister in the sun the least you could do is fall of your bike midway through a Superman Backflip to make me feel better.

Labels: downloadfestival, drinking, friends, fun, holiday, music, sun, UK, wench

OK, so yesterday, despite my immense intellect, I thought it was Friday, perhaps my arch nemesis was using some kind of mind control to depress me when I discovered the truth. He will pay for this...

Anyway, as a master wordsmith and giant of the literary world, I often spend my time lounging in green meadows, vast oak branches spreading over my head like Oberon's crown, the raging torrent of my imagination bursting it's banks onto the notebook in my hand. I can write some mean gangster rap in those conditions, I tell thee. But even a rhymasaurus with a flow as fresh as mine has trouble with a few words:

1. Film
2. Orange
3. Month
4. Purple
5. Silver

I'm sick like a leper,
I'll make your brain burn, like you just snorted pepper.
I got scary rhymes like Edgar Allan Poe,
I make The Raven seem like a doe.
This flow feels atrocious,
like a small child acting precocious.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Yeah, yeah, what, uh-huh, yeah, dika-dika, yeah...

See you never know when I'll just drop a fresh bomb on your ass like that. I'm loco. Uncontrolable, you better step off, don't be getting up in my grill. Damn this street talk is exhausting, and hard to use to get a point across. Know what I'm saying? Word.

Labels: crap, fun, grammar, horror, music, stupidity

It's sad that I think I'm getting old. I'm only 24 for God's sake. I still have nearly 40 years left till I retire! That's an even more depressing thought, as I have that long left to work. I'm not even middle aged yet. I'm not even late twenties, I'm still in my mid-twenties.

So for a change I'm going to whine for a bit and then decide on exactly what makes me feel old. Here's what I have so far:

1. I dream about doing nothing.
2. I know what nostalgia is.
3. I get irritated at my neighbours' loud music.
4. I ache after exercise.
5. My 25th birthday is this Sunday.

After reading my list I've decided I'm no longer going to lay about and feel old, instead I will do exercise, play games and get drunk. And then feel old. The truth is I don't really think I've changed all that much. I'm not as active as I used to be, but I used to be forced to do that stuff, I never had the inclination to do it on my own. I still want the same things, listen to the same types of music, watch the same types of films etc. My free time is the only thing that lets me down, and makes me feel behind. I can't keep up with books, films and music like I did when I had nothing else to do.

So it's not that I feel old, as in ancient, elderly or archaic (thanks thesaurus.com!), instead I feel that I'm growing up, becoming more mature, and hence out of touch with the cool kids on The Street. I should feel better having realised this, but instead I just miss having time to do everything I wanted to. Well I'm making time to go and see 300 tonight, that's a start!

Labels: birthdays, exercise, films, music, suckage

Being knackered at work is a pretty big problem for quite a few people. Recently I've been having trouble as I don't have work that is that interesting, so I have to try and keep myself awake. Normal people just drink coffee, but if I did that I'd be sick all over my desk, because I'd rather grate my nut sack than drink coffee. Generally I don't have hot drinks at all.

Luckily my workplace is rather lax. Not quite slumped over my desk with my head on my arms relaxed, but I've got pretty much free reign over what I do during the work day, as long as my work gets done. I've since come up with these ideas:

1. Listen to music
2. Watch some TV
3. Drink something cold
4. Try and find some more interesting work
5. Don't eat carbohydrates at lunch

Occasionally during the day I'll take breaks to watch crap on YouTube, or just on TV. I listen to music while I'm working, Pandora is excellent for this. Every now and then I'll request some more work, or pick up some of the jobs floating around to give myself a change of pace and topic. Something to prevent my brain slowly shutting down until I'm typing gibberish with my eyes closed.

The main reason I fall asleep is my sandwiches at lunch. Who would've though that a simple ham sandwich could be a threat to my job? Basically the sandwiches give me a carb crash so sudden and massive the Sandman himself would stand back in awe and watch a true master at work. Bizarrely enough I started this post hours ago, I have been fighting off sleep ever since so I haven't been able to finish it until now.

Labels: music, sleep, suckage, TV, work

I've had a mobile phone for about 9 years. At first I had a pay as you go phone, but I never had the money to put more credit on it, and my parents wouldn't pay for it as I didn't call them, and they could still call me.

Eventually I had to pay for my own phone, and in order to get a decent one I had to get a contract, otherwise the phones were too expensive. Over the years my contracts have become gradually more and more expensive as I always want a new phone. My top five reasons not to own a mobile are:

1. I can never be bothered to change any of the default settings.
2. The games are rubbish.
3. I hate the annoying ringtones.
4. It costs a small fortune.
5. People can get hold of you anywhere.

I don't know why a phone maker hasn't decided to make JUST A PHONE. The best phone I ever owned was smaller than a RAZR, and it worked wonderfully. Since then I've had phones that take pictures (badly), let you play crap games (badly), let you record videos (badly) and listen to music (badly). Of course I'm the only person I can blame, after all I already own a camera, a nintendo DS, a video camera and an MP3 player. No one ever forced me to buy a piece of technology which does several jobs badly, even the one you bought it for, kind of like a retarded handy man.

It's the male desire to always have the newest and the best, the latest gadget on the street, to be the coolest and have something to show your mates. Even though you've already shown them all your other gadgets, which specialise in all the jobs your new phone does so terribly, and they don't play a soul shatteringly shite version of some already crap tune like 'My Humps' when someone calls you.

Labels: DS, music, phones, stupidity, suckage

Continuing the musical theme of the last couple of posts here are some excellent cover versions. This is where I get to be the hypocrite, as I believe most of these have been released as singles, if not all of them. However they were all done differently to the original version, as far as I am aware, the only one I'm not sure on is Jeff Buckley, as I've never heard the original version.

All of the songs except for the Marilyn Manson one are slower and, it seems to me at least, a lot sadder. They seem to get a lot more of the emotion of the song. That's probably because their is barely any accompaniment, and the lyrics can be interpreted in that way.

1. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
2. Mad World - Gary Jules
3. Johnny Cash - Hurt
4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
5. Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

While these are great songs, and great versions, they do still get on my nerves sometimes. Well it's not that they get on my nerves, it's that they get overused. If you watch any series on TV, if they're having one of those 'My partner just died, how am I going to tell his wife' cop moments, or a 'My girlfriend has cheated on me with my best friend, and she's the love of my life, how can I forgive her?' whiny teenage moment, or a 'The world has gone crazy!' slow motion montage of horrible atrocities from all over the rash covered, pimply ass of the world, the slow, sad, moving song they choose to play over the top, always seems to be one of the first 3 songs in the list.

Cheer up you sad Fucks. I'm sure there's another song about that can convey the appropriate emotion and angst Ryan is feeling in his idyllic life in the O.C., without having to resort to using Jeff Buckley again.

Labels: music, nice, stupidity, TV

I used to love making Mix Tapes when I was younger. I never had many CDs or tapes of my own, so making a Mix Tape was my only way of getting hold of the music I wanted. After all, the internet wasn't really around in the form it is now, and my access to it was very limited, I had no idea of the magical and illegal things I could do.

So I would make a list of my favourite songs at the time, around 40 would normally be a good number. Then I'd go around school, finding who had the CDs I needed and would lend me them for an afternoon. Once I had collected all the CDs I needed I'd head to my room and get recording, but I always kept these tips in mind:

1. Don't put two songs by the same band next to each other.
2. Sudden changes in pace break the flow.
3. All tapes must have an excellent first song.
4. But the second song must be better.
5. The third song takes it down a bit, then the rest builds to the final song.

First of all it's best if you plot out your track listing, I could always fit about 12-15 songs on one side. This inevitably left quite a few songs from the 40 I'd chosen, which went into the list for my next tape. It's important that you have a flow to the album, that each track leads nicely into the next one, it's useless going from a slow song to a fast song, it just doesn't feel right when you listen to it.

As far as early relationships were concerned, a Mix Tape was as good as moving in with your girlfriend when you were 13. They always made great Valentine's Day presents, after all they take an entire afternoon to sort out. I can't tell you how much credit I got for my tapes. Today though downloading a bunch of songs from ITunes and burning them to a CD can take about 30 minutes, how much credit can you get for that? Now that I've proposed to and moved in with the Wench, I don't get any credit for that sort of thing anymore. To make an emotional impact requires something much more, like matching sweatsuits, and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment yet.

Labels: music, nice, presents, valentines, wench

There's a large number of reasons that I hate cover versions. I should probably be more specific. I hate cover versions that are sung in exactly the same style as the original, and/or are released as singles. Singles should be reserved for original songs, EVEN charity singles.

Lots of pop boy or girl bands start their careers with cover versions, or those gimps who win X Factor or Pop Idol inevitably release their version of Unchained Melody. Most recently the British X Factor winner released a cover version of a Kelly Clarkson song. Not surprisingly, she hasn't been heard from since. Here's my Top 5 most terrible covers:

1. Will Young - Light My Fire
2. Madonna - American Pie
3. Britney Spears - I Love Rock 'n Roll
4. McFly - Don't Stop Me Now
5. Girls Aloud vs Sugababes - Walk This Way

Artists like Madonna should know better. If her originality isn't what it once was, she shouldn't resort to generic dance tunes and bad covers to keep her career alive. She's got enough money, stop punishing me every time I turn a radio on.

For those of you who don't know (Anyone not in the UK) Will Young and Girls Aloud are the result of talent shows in this country. I hate these shows with a passion, because of the contestants, the judges, the format and the crap that always results from them being released into general circulation. We also have Comic Relief, a good cause, but it's no reason to annihilate a classic song that has a lot of significance. Plus it's one of my favourite tunes, my first CD single I bought was Run-DMC Vs Jason Nevins, and I still listen to Run-DMC's greatest hits while driving in the summer.

I suppose I could forgive them, but that all depends on when the Sugababes Vs Girls Aloud Sex Tape get released.

Labels: charity, music, stupidity, suckage