I'm going to Hell

Happy Valentines Day! Yeah! Can anyone tell me what St Valentine did? No you can't! Because no one knows. And I don't just mean a general no one, I mean literally no one knows. However I'm pretty sure whatever they were martyred for does not include giving out flowers, cards and chocolate.

As I don't really like Valentine's Day I won't be talking much about it. I will however be getting the Wench something, or else I'm in trouble, not that she ever gets in trouble for not getting me anything, but I'm wondering off the point. The topic today will instead be about pants, as we call them, or underwear for the Americans in the audience. My Top 5 types of undergarments are:

1. Pants (The traditional tighty whiteys, in case you think I mean trousers)
2. Boxers
3. Thongs
4. Lingerie
5. None

I gave up wearing pants quite a while ago, at some point boxers just became more comfortable, plus they were less embarrassing, like wearing swimming shorts instead of speedos.

Thongs are brilliant, and I'm not talking about banana hammocks, and I'm not saying that I wear them. But aren't they great? Who ever invented thongs should win a nobel prize. I'm not sure which category it'd be in though, maybe peace, but also possibly physics or medicine... banishing the VPL should certainly be worthy of something. On the topic the Wench should win some kind of prize, as pretty much all her underwear consists of thongs, and that's why I love her!

Lingerie is a gift from the gods. Is there anything better than lingerie? And it's so comfortable... Although every one knows you can always trump lingerie by simply going commando.

Labels: fun, nice, presents, religion, shame, underwear, valentines, wench

Halloween is rolling around again and as usual it's time for everyone to decide on what they're going to dress up as. For children this is pretty easy, you just ask your parents. They'll probably put some face paint on you and give you some old clothes, so you look like a zombie midget, or a witch with a pituitary disease. Men have it a little more difficult, they actually have to put some effort into their costumes. Especially if you're headed to a party and are on the look out for a helpless damsel your vampire count can prey on, or trying to find a sexy Velma to complete your Scooby Gang.

Of course for the ladies it's simply a matter of making a costume designed around 'Slutty [Insert Occupation Here]'. This may sound like I'm complaining, but far from it. Here's a few of the more popular costumes the girls choose:

1. Slutty Cop
2. Slutty Schoolgirl
3. Slutty Pirate
4. Slutty Nurse
5. Slutty Slut

I think I speak for all men when I congratulate women on the effectiveness and ingenuity of this very simple idea. Who would have thought that the world could be made a better place by just taking a normal Halloween outfit and making it slutty. I don't think that's overstating this at all, it is genius, and I for one, applaud it.

But I think it should be pointed out that there's generally very little effort involved when it comes to the girls making their costumes. While there's always those ladies who take the extra effort to make their costumes as small as possible, but still have the theme be recognisable, by far the most popular costume amongst women is the Slutty Slut, or as it's better known the 'putting-on-a-pair-of-cat-ears-with-whatever-your-sluttiest-outfit-is'. Come on people, Halloween's always a good time, if your gonna dress up, at least put some effort in.

Labels: drinking, fun, halloween, nice, women, zombies

The Wench is currently on a bit of a comedy bender. Pretty much everything we watch has to be funny. I can see where she's coming from, our year has started badly so far and getting a bit of a laugh is what we need. Laughter is pretty therapeutic, and it's nice to have a chuckle every now and then. It has limited our viewing options quite a bit though, and my stack of DVDs to watch has steadily grown as we're never in the mood.

Here's our current top 5 shows we watch to lighten our moods of an evening:

1. Futurama
2. Family Guy
3. Robot Chicken
4. American Dad
5. Drawn Together

Nothing quite cheers me up like a bit of inappropriate humour, which American Dad, Robot Chicken and Drawn Together can all deliver in spades. I love it when nothing is sacred and absolutely anything can be used for a joke, because it's not like anyone can complain if they're picking on everyone. Blacks, whites, gays, jocks, fatties, twiglets, no matter your race, class, sexuality, handicap or lifestyle your likely to be a target at some point.

Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable for me and the Wench, as you inevitably create little in-jokes amongst yourselves which people don't get if they haven't seen the show. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but if the joke is a little inappropriate, you get strange looks. Hopefully, like in our case, after you explain yourself your friends are forgiving enough to overlook a comment about horribly penising someone.

Labels: comedy, fun, home, nice, TV, US, wench

I consider myself a breast man. Some people like asses (I'm partial to a fine ass myself), some people like feet, or legs, or stomachs, but I've always been a boob man, and I think I always will be. Ever since I first discovered Page 3 in the Sun (NSFW) as a kid, I have been fascinated with the upper abdominal area of the females of the species.

I'm obviously not alone in my admiration of the mammaries as there are a huge number of names for these beautiful and elusive organs. Here's my Top 5:

1. The Twins/The Girls
2. Fun Bags
3. Sweater Pets
4. Puppies
5. Chesticles

As far as I'm concerned, puppies are a completely different species of breast, it's like what most boobs want to look like when they grow up. It's the type of boobs which are natural (or the result of a very good jaunt in hospital), where the breast is very round in shape, perky, with the nipples pointing directly forward. Kind of like when a woman squeezes her tits together and leans forward... Sorry, I drifted off there for a second.

While the above is a fine list, it only scratches the surface of the vast array of complimentary and derogatory names that men have dreamed up over the years for a woman's most glorious asset. Here's a few more: Gazongas, tatas, honkers, dirty pillows, mellons, jugs, tits, snugglepups, knockers, hooters, cans, boobs, norks, rack, baps, jubblies, zeppelins, bust and eyes. I wonder how many misled hits this post will get?

Labels: breasts, fun, nice, women

Continuing the musical theme of the last couple of posts here are some excellent cover versions. This is where I get to be the hypocrite, as I believe most of these have been released as singles, if not all of them. However they were all done differently to the original version, as far as I am aware, the only one I'm not sure on is Jeff Buckley, as I've never heard the original version.

All of the songs except for the Marilyn Manson one are slower and, it seems to me at least, a lot sadder. They seem to get a lot more of the emotion of the song. That's probably because their is barely any accompaniment, and the lyrics can be interpreted in that way.

1. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
2. Mad World - Gary Jules
3. Johnny Cash - Hurt
4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
5. Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

While these are great songs, and great versions, they do still get on my nerves sometimes. Well it's not that they get on my nerves, it's that they get overused. If you watch any series on TV, if they're having one of those 'My partner just died, how am I going to tell his wife' cop moments, or a 'My girlfriend has cheated on me with my best friend, and she's the love of my life, how can I forgive her?' whiny teenage moment, or a 'The world has gone crazy!' slow motion montage of horrible atrocities from all over the rash covered, pimply ass of the world, the slow, sad, moving song they choose to play over the top, always seems to be one of the first 3 songs in the list.

Cheer up you sad Fucks. I'm sure there's another song about that can convey the appropriate emotion and angst Ryan is feeling in his idyllic life in the O.C., without having to resort to using Jeff Buckley again.

Labels: music, nice, stupidity, TV

I used to love making Mix Tapes when I was younger. I never had many CDs or tapes of my own, so making a Mix Tape was my only way of getting hold of the music I wanted. After all, the internet wasn't really around in the form it is now, and my access to it was very limited, I had no idea of the magical and illegal things I could do.

So I would make a list of my favourite songs at the time, around 40 would normally be a good number. Then I'd go around school, finding who had the CDs I needed and would lend me them for an afternoon. Once I had collected all the CDs I needed I'd head to my room and get recording, but I always kept these tips in mind:

1. Don't put two songs by the same band next to each other.
2. Sudden changes in pace break the flow.
3. All tapes must have an excellent first song.
4. But the second song must be better.
5. The third song takes it down a bit, then the rest builds to the final song.

First of all it's best if you plot out your track listing, I could always fit about 12-15 songs on one side. This inevitably left quite a few songs from the 40 I'd chosen, which went into the list for my next tape. It's important that you have a flow to the album, that each track leads nicely into the next one, it's useless going from a slow song to a fast song, it just doesn't feel right when you listen to it.

As far as early relationships were concerned, a Mix Tape was as good as moving in with your girlfriend when you were 13. They always made great Valentine's Day presents, after all they take an entire afternoon to sort out. I can't tell you how much credit I got for my tapes. Today though downloading a bunch of songs from ITunes and burning them to a CD can take about 30 minutes, how much credit can you get for that? Now that I've proposed to and moved in with the Wench, I don't get any credit for that sort of thing anymore. To make an emotional impact requires something much more, like matching sweatsuits, and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment yet.

Labels: music, nice, presents, valentines, wench

Currently AnonymousCoworker has a post up about annoying adverts. Well I know of plenty of annoying adverts, but decided to be positive today, after all, it's Friday, and I get to go home soon! I'm sure this post's evil twin will rear it's malformed head soon enough.

So here's a bunch of adverts which are either clever, funny or just bring a smile to my face:

1. Jon West Tuna - Bear Fight
2. VW Polo - Viral Ad, Small but tough
3. Lynx - Billions of Girls | Perfect Girlfriends | Touch
4. Guinness - The Surfer | Racing Snails | Evolution
5. Honda - Balance | The Choir | Power of Dreams | Hate Diesel

There were two more Guinness ads I really liked, but I couldn't find them; one was the actual snail racing advert, and the other was where a guy is swimming in a race against the perfect pint.

Another one I didn't include in my list, but remembered afterwards is Reebok's Terry Tate: Office Linebacker ad, which is a piece of genius rolled in amusing violence and lovingly delivered to you on a poor office workers broken spine.

I think I could really use the motivation that an office linebacker would provide. I'd be as productive as a whole basement of Indian carpet makers, with the threat of having my head put through my monitor hanging over me. Although to be honest, after the first tackle over the reception desk for being 10 minutes late I'd probably just be a nervous wreck, gibbering at my desk. However if I used my Lynx I could get all the women in the office to act as a human shield to protect me! It's a shame I'm not a spotty 13 year old anymore, because then I may actually believe those adverts.

Labels: adverts, nice, TV

When I was younger we moved around a lot. My Dad was in the military so we moved every 2 years. I've lived in a few different places in England, a few in Germany and even in Cyprus. I really liked moving around a lot, it never got boring, as I always got to see the best bits of wherever we went. As I went to boarding school as well it really made the holidays feel like holidays, as I was always somewhere new.

However as I got older I used to get bored not being at school. While I had school friends, I had few friends at home and hoped we could stay somewhere long enough for me to make some. My Dad's final posting was to York, and he liked the area so much we stayed here. Here's 5 reasons why I like York:

1. I'm not a city person, York is a city, but it's small
2. It's the longest I've ever lived anywhere
3. There's lots of history
4. My family is here
5. I have some very good friends here

As I've been in York for around 10 years now I've gotten to know it better than anywhere I've lived. I have some great friends and I see my family more. I love the history of York, after all it's the city New York wants to be when it grows up. Finally I've stayed somewhere longer than 2 years and it's nice to be able to say I'm from somewhere, whereas before I was just 'from all over' or, as I liked to say, I was omnipresent.

Labels: friends, history, nice, york