I'm going to Hell

Halloween is rolling around again and as usual it's time for everyone to decide on what they're going to dress up as. For children this is pretty easy, you just ask your parents. They'll probably put some face paint on you and give you some old clothes, so you look like a zombie midget, or a witch with a pituitary disease. Men have it a little more difficult, they actually have to put some effort into their costumes. Especially if you're headed to a party and are on the look out for a helpless damsel your vampire count can prey on, or trying to find a sexy Velma to complete your Scooby Gang.

Of course for the ladies it's simply a matter of making a costume designed around 'Slutty [Insert Occupation Here]'. This may sound like I'm complaining, but far from it. Here's a few of the more popular costumes the girls choose:

1. Slutty Cop
2. Slutty Schoolgirl
3. Slutty Pirate
4. Slutty Nurse
5. Slutty Slut

I think I speak for all men when I congratulate women on the effectiveness and ingenuity of this very simple idea. Who would have thought that the world could be made a better place by just taking a normal Halloween outfit and making it slutty. I don't think that's overstating this at all, it is genius, and I for one, applaud it.

But I think it should be pointed out that there's generally very little effort involved when it comes to the girls making their costumes. While there's always those ladies who take the extra effort to make their costumes as small as possible, but still have the theme be recognisable, by far the most popular costume amongst women is the Slutty Slut, or as it's better known the 'putting-on-a-pair-of-cat-ears-with-whatever-your-sluttiest-outfit-is'. Come on people, Halloween's always a good time, if your gonna dress up, at least put some effort in.

Labels: drinking, fun, halloween, nice, women, zombies

There's very few thing's I find more frustrating than modern civilization's fascination with 'celebrities'. I don't mind it about people who are actually famous, but who cares about someone whose only claim to fame was that they were on a game show over four years ago. And they didn't even win!

The worst thing about this is the magazines I see in newsagents and supermarkets. They obviously sell, otherwise there wouldn't be so many of them. I don't see why people need to know this sort of information about these people, or why there's such a market for this crap. Here's the worst offenders:

1. Glamour
2. Now
3. OK!
4. Closer
5. Heat

I hate these magazines. It's pure shit disguised as journalism. If I want to know about celebrity news I'll just read The Superficial instead. It's not that I care about what is being written, I just think that it's written in a funny way, which actively encourages you not to care.

However the thing that makes me ashamed is when a new magazine comes out and I ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S IN IT. I've already read about it. I am more up to date on irrelevant celebrity knowledge than most of the girls I know. Sure I don't actually know that many girls, and the last thing the Wench read for fun was our tickets to Metallica, but it makes me feel like I need to scrub out my brain with steel wool. It seems like that could only make me smarter. Otherwise pretty soon I'll be impersonating these muppets: carrying round small dogs that can't walk for themselves, checking myself into rehab at least once a day, then getting my kids taken away from me. Not that I have kids, but I could adopt some. That's cool at the moment as well though, yeah?

Labels: assholes, crap, shame, stupidity, suckage, wench, women

OK, just to disappoint you I'll clarify that maybe 'ashamed' is too strong a word. I'll admit that I like these films if they come up in conversation. Most of the time I'm met with disbelief, although there was that time I ended up with 6 stitches. To be fair I did call her Mum a whore and curse her family, I wonder how that's working out. I consider these films underrated classics, so I don't mind sticking up for them, especially if the reason the conversation came up is to diss John Woo. No one disses The Woo! Anyway, here's my five films:

1. Transformers The Movie (1986) - 42%
2. Army of Darkness - 78%
3. Hard Target - 32%
4. Hulk - 61%
5. What Dreams May Come - 56%
*Scores courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes*

OK, I am kind of ashamed of liking What Dreams May Come, I think I could officially have my balls revoked for admitting it. It's a good film though! It looks awesome and the dude goes to hell to get his wife back. You've got to admit that is impressive. Plus The Wench loves it so I score points for watching it with her.

Hulk is underrated and got a slating for no good reason. So what if the hulk didn't smash enough, that probably would've been even more boring. OK, so it was fairly boring. But it was the kind of comic book film that should be made, not just action, it actually has a story as well. On the other hand Hard Target is probably Van Damme's best film, except maybe Universal Soldier, that was awesome.

I have no excuse for Transformers. Except this.

Labels: comedy, films, shame, wench

I noticed in the news the other day that a strange looking Zorse had been bred in Germany. Now I didn't know about Zorses, but isn't that a cool idea? Cross breeding different species is definately something that should be looked into a bit more. We already have Wolphins and Ligers (bred for their skills and magic). Here's a few more to think about:

1. Giraffe + Camel = Giramel
2. Peacock + Eagle = Peagle
3. Fox + Skunk = Funk
4. Shark + Salmon = Shalmon
5. Chimpanzee + Gonorrhea = Paris Hilton

Imagine some of these creatures! Limited only by your imagination you could be Dr Moreau, but without Val Kilmer's bad acting. The beautiful Peagle, good looking, but a vicious killer, kind of like me. The animal so cool it inspired a musical movement: The Funk. Or the majestic Shalmon, massive and tasty, leaping up waterfalls and eating bears.

Seriously though, genetic experimentation comes at a price. For every Cheetorse (Cheetah-Horse), there is a Slake (Slug-Snake). Not every mutant is useful or amazing. Just look at your TV, any number of talk shows ranging from Jerry Springer to Oprah are right there, providing support and a purpose for failed experiments from all over the world.

Labels: comedy, fun, horror, science, stupidity