I'm going to Hell

I tend to talk a lot of rubbish, mumble and just generally make myself look like a fool. I would say this is because I'm shy, but I tend to do this even with people I know. Sometimes your mind just elopes with another beautiful mind it's fancied for ages and gets married, meanwhile your mouth carries on talking unsupervised.

A few of my most memorable moments are listed below:

1. Thinking a girl was a boy - I've never made the mistake of thinking a fat girl was pregnant though *phew*
2. 'That would be the breast' when talking to a girl with a large chest, and she noticed
3. 'We should really get some cock' in earshot of a small child
4. Telling a friend 'I love you' when hanging up
5. Calling a teacher Mum

The third one is not as bad as it seems. I was actually talking to my girlfriend (who from this day forth shall be referred to as my Fluff, as I can't be arsed to type girlfriend anymore) about Coke. She started calling Coke cock which has gradually permeated into our everyday speech, much to the dismay of the small child's parents.

Calling my teacher Mum is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. I turned so red so fast the other children sustained permanent eye damage, and shortly before I passed out due the volume of blood in my face I just managed to rip my tongue out of my mouth and stick it to the wall with a pencil for betraying me.

I'm getting lax with the entries recently. Work has actually picked up so I do have some excuses. Plus I don't owe you anything, so just get out of my life!

This isn't so much an entry, more of a way to kick start myself to get back in the appropriate mindset. That being said, here's what I'm thinking:

1. I need more excercise
2. I need some food
3. What a great idea leaving work early would be
4. Naked KY Wrestling with Keeley Hazel, Scarlett Johansson and Lucy Pinder, and I have to lose
5. How cool a T-Rex riding cowboy cartoon would be

Excercise is on my list, I'm supoosed to be trying out Tae-Bo again tonight, then getting some food. It's now too late for me to leave early, so #3 is out the window. I'm only thinkg about the KY Wrestling because it's my one week anniversary of that actually happening. The cartoon would rock, anything with cowboys and dinosaurs is bound to rock, just like making up stuff about KY Wrestling is bound to get my restraining orders renewed.

Going to the toilet is a pain. If I had one wish it would be that I never had to use a toilet again. But that'd be one of those wishes that would backfire horribly and I'd end up crying urine, sweating shit or something equally gross.

When your done you wash your hands and then dry them, unless your one of the scum that walks out without drying, or even worse, not wiping. Drying can take a while, depending on what's around. Here's my Top 5 ways to dry your hands:

1. Use Paper Towels
2. Use a blow dryer
3. Dip them in lava
4. Use the bathroom attendants beard
5. Use the breasts of a penthouse centrefold

Being the awesome pimp that I am I have a different topless model follow me around to use as my personal towel, and with the moisturiser they use it takes a lot of rubbing to be properly dry. It takes a lot longer than using paper towels, but I do get less looks than that time I tried to use lava, then tried to put out the fire with the bathroom attendants beard.

Tags: Hand Drying, Penthouse, Beards, Lava

Shiver me timbers! It's that time of year again! It's Talk like a Pirate Day! Yar, matey! So in honour of this most momentous occasion, I will list 'ere me Top 5 ways to celebrate, by not only talkin' likes a pirate, but actin' like one an all!

1. Hijack a vessel and sell it's contents on eBay
2. Start a fight in a bar when someone comments on your peg-leg
3. Use your hook to split a man from crotch to cap, just because
4. Rape a buxom wench, and at some point call her 'my pretty', while drooling grog into her face
5. Get keel-hauled or hung for your terrible and unspeakable crimes

People seem to think that pirates are cool. And they're right, pirates are cool. In the modern world pirates are funny, they feature in kid's stories and at fancy dress parties. Imitating a pirates speech is humorous and amusing. Everyone seems to forget the huge crimes and bloody and violent nature that the pirate lifestyle entailed. Pirates, raped, killed, pillaged and terrorized people for about 100 years. But they sure did speak funny and look cool. YARGH!

Tags: Talk like a Pirate, Pirates, Violence, Rape, YAAARGH!

A lack of cash is a common problem in today's society, and an especially large problem for me. I often run out of money before pay day, relying instead on my wits and reactions to get me through. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation here's a few suggestions:

1. Save all you can
2. Rob a bank
3. Sell drugs
4. Sell your body
5. Get drunk

I've tried saving, but I'm not very good at it, hence my predicament. I'm past my bank robbing days, and a good wheel man is hard to come across. There's a bit of a drug drought in England at the moment, so that career is a dead end. My regulars have all moved on to greener and more limber pastures, leaving me with only one more option. Oh well, guess I'm getting drunk this weekend then!

Tags: Skint, Desperate, Prostitution, Drinking

Recently my trainers have begun falling apart, it gets a lot more noticeable as it gets wetter, as the rain is being sucked up into my shoes. I normally buy a new pair of trainers once a year, and it's getting near that time.

This year, I've been considering some alternatives, here's my Top 5:

1. DC Shoes - My favourite
2. Socks - For comfort, also available in waterproof
3. Flippers - Or fins, if your American
4. Ice Skates or Crampons - Lethal weapons on your feet!
5. Animal Skins - Get in touch with your inner caveman

After a lot of thought I decided that I was right with my first instinct to go for another pair of trainers. I am actually a trainer snob and have purchased DCs for the last 5 or 6 years. No other trainers I've tried look as good, feel as padded, or last as long. So instead of cutting off my feet and walking around on the bloody stumps, I'm on a mission to find some decent DCs. But in the meantime I'm going to invest in some waterproof socks, winter is coming after all.

Tags: Trainers, Socks, Caveman, Ninja Death Footwear

If anyone actually reads this blog regularly, which would surprise me, you may be wondering why I've disappeared for about three weeks. Well in keeping with the theme of the blog, I'll give you a Top 5:

1. I couldn't be bothered
2. I was in a coma
3. I went out for a walk and didn't come back
4. I was kidnapped and held as a sex slave by 5 stunningly hot large breasted nymphomaniac dancers
5. I was on holiday

In fact the answer was no. 4. Bet that's a surprise! You thought I was on holiday didn't you? I was in fact abducted from my house and chained to a super king size bed and ravaged repeatedly. I was finally released and thrown naked into the street when the girls managed to capture a professional footballer. Needless to say, I haven't missed this blog at all, as I had an awesome time!