I'm going to Hell

I've only ever been stopped by the police once for something that I've done wrong. The rest of the time I just happened to be nearby or they were trying to be helpful. I can sympathise with people who don't know what to say, and I can't quite master the art of getting out of stuff, so I just keep my mouth shut and go along with it.

Some people prefer to try and protest their innocence. Generally when you try and get out of stuff, it's minor, like driving just over the speed limit, or littering, but some geniuses try and talk their way out of some serious trouble. I can also see the logic in that, but if I was going to attempt that, I definately would not use any of the following lines:

1. "I thought it was a regular brownie."
2. "I thought the cop was a prostitute."
3. "I just put my junk a little bit of the way in."
4. "The bitch ain't even dead."
5. "I just dropped my truck off in the desert for 15 minutes. By the time I came back, someone must have accidently loaded 250 kilos in it."

I could've included the classic 'It's not mine', which has actually worked for me a few times in the past, but isn't quite as inventive as 'The bitch ain't even dead'. I wish I'd thought of that one at the time.

Tags: Police, Defence, Stupid

Everyone likes super heroes, stars of movies, TV shows and comics. Names like Superman, Spiderman and Billy Branston, Invincible Superboy from Far Beyond the Stars are known all over the world. But what if super heroes weren't so super? What if they had problems instead of super powers?

Well other than being a bit crap they would probably be a lot more entertaining. So I decided to come up with a team of my own super heroes, each with a problem to make them less super. Here's my Top 5:

1. Vertigo - The fastest member of the team, unfortunately has such a problem with heights that he can't even climb stairs. This often leads to criminals easily evading him in a foot pursuit.
2. Outburst - The surveillance expert of the team. This hero has Tourettes Syndrome and often gives himself away by screaming abuse at a suspect from across the street.
3. Safe Driver - The teams transport. This hero is so law abiding they refuse to exceed the speed limit, even in a high speed chase or an emergency.
4. Fever - This team member suffers from terrible allergies, hayfever, cats, dogs, air, anything will set him off and nearly kill him.
5. Childproof - This hero supplies the team with everything they need, except he often needs help as he is incapable of opening pretty much anything. Jars, bottles, boxes, cans and sometimes even doors evade the intelligence of this man.

I did have a number of others, but couldn't think of decent names and roles for them. Especially Premature Ejaculation Man, Huge Breasted Woman, or Quadriplegic Lad.

Tags: Super Hero, Useless

There have been some truely terrible names put forward for some games. Even now, in modern and more sophisticated times naming errors still continue. For example Nintendo's latest console will be called the Wii (pronounced wee), which genius thought of that?

A few of my favourites also include the incredibly generic 'If It Moves, Shoot It!' (PC 1989), followed closely by the bizzare 'Irritating Stick'(PlayStation 1999), I can only guess at what the game is about, and what peripherals came with it. On to my Top 5:

1. Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf (NES 1988)
2. Ninja Hamster (Commodore 64, Amstrad 1987)
3. Sticky Balls (Gizmondo 2005)
4. Beyond the Beyond (PlayStation 1999)
5. Tongue of the Fatman (PC 1989)

Doesn't 'Tongue of the Fatman' just sound like a porn film? And not a particularly nice one at that. Who would buy this game? Which sick marketer came up with that name? I bet it also came with some kind of tongue controller you had to wiggle, or better yet a motion senstive clip you had to attach to your tongue, so you could wiggle your own tongue to control the game! Suddenly this doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

I used to hate clubs and gangs and stuff like that when I was younger. And to a large extent I still dislike groups of people like that. I think mainly it's the fact that they make things so unfair. Groups try and help each other out, but not anyone else. So if someone is trying hard on their own, working well and putting in all their effort, they can lose out to someone with 'better friends'.

And there's no more annoying cliche than "It's not what you know, it's who you know". This is especially annoying if the person who is promoted over you happens to be as thick as pig shit and incapable of performing even the most menial task. And they get to tell you what to do!

The Top 5 groups that prepetrate this kind of behaviour are:

1. The Old Boys Network
2. The Mafia
3. The Freemasons
4. The Illuminati
5. The Mickey Mouse Club

I'm convinced that the Mickey Mouse Club is one of the most heinous and evil groups in the history of civilisation. Recruiting members while they are too young to know better and then brainwashing them to do their bidding. Each member has their personality moulded and twisted, forcing them to think about nothing but money, and what they can do 'for the good of the Club'. Such members as Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have already been sent forth and used to improve the groups reach and power... or maybe I'm just jealous I was never in a club.

Tags: Secret Societies, Mafia, Freemasons, Mickey Mouse Club, Jealousy

Following this article that I was sent at work there ensued a string of emails suggesting some suitable listening for when you visited the smallest room. Of course as was bound to happen the suggestions became more and more disgusting, until I actually started finding some of them funny.

I've collected 5 of my favourites here, chosen mostly for the imagery they conjure up in my head:

1. Anything by Scatman John
2. It was supposed to be so easy - The Streets
3. Don't stop me now - Queen
4. Some kind of Monster - Metallica
5. Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash

One thing every bloke should try at least once is going for a piss whilst listening to 'Eye of the Tiger', you will never feel more manly.

Tags: Music, Toilet, iToilet

I like reading books and generally find non-fiction or fiction books based in the real world a little too boring. So I tend to read stuff that's either fantasy or Sci-Fi, or in that general area. I figure if it's based in the real world, I may as well wait for a film, I like using my imagination.

The only trouble with these genres, is that it is pretty much a licence for the authors to make up whatever the hell they want. This does tend to lead to some pretty bizarre creatures being thought up. Below is my list of my Top 5 Fantasy Creatures, that are fairly common in the genre:

1. Pegasus - The flying horse. Always cool, you'd love one as a pet.
2. Unicorn - A similar horsey creature, with a big horn. Now put 1 and 2 together...
3. Dragons - Feature quite a lot in this genre, and they are very cool.
4. Vampire - Typical vampires, have been in lots of stories, and will probably be in many more.
5. Manticore - WTF?

Seriously, who thinks these creatures up? A Manticore? For those of you that don't know a Manticore is a creature with the body of a lion, the tail of a scorpion and with wings, typically bat wings. This creature is also sometimes said to have the head of a man. What must the author have been taking in order to come up with something like that? Sounds like a bad acid trip to me.

Tags: Fiction, Creatures, WTF, Humour

In case none of you have realised there is a World Cup going on, involving football, not soccer, football. I'm not a huge football fan, but there's something in my genetic makeup to do with the fact that I'm English, which pulls me towards the sport. I do enjoy the World Cup though.

The thing that makes the World Cup so great is the fans. Every country's fans are different. The Jamaicans make it a carnival, the English drink a lot and start fights (although I'm happy to say not as much these days), the Americans pretty much ignore the sport, the French surrender like always and the Germans just drink alot and dance around in lederhosen. But past all the stereotypes, the Top 5 fans are from these countries:

1. South Korea
2. Germany
3. Switzerland
4. France
5. Brazil

But everyone knows who is going to win, because Brazil has the hottest fans ever

Tags: Football, World Cup, Football Fans, Hot Fans

I love going to festivals, especially one where I'm actually going to see lots of bands. In case you didn't know, last weekend I went to the Download Festival at Donnington race track. It's a metal festival, with lots of awesome heavy music going on for everyone to enjoy.

Me, Viv and a bunch of people we know all headed down to camp until Sunday. I don't think I've seen so many bands at a festival for quite some time. There are many good things about going to festivals, but here is my Top 5 from Download:

1. Babes - Lots of girls strutting around in bikini tops, making me reconsider all sorts of things, like monogamy, or the age of consent.
2. Sun - Lots and lots and lots of sun. Good for some reasons, although I do require factor 50+ to stop me looking permanently embarrassed.
3. Drugs - Lots of weed is a must.
4. Tool - Seeing Tool live is an unbelievable experience. Especially when stoned off your tits.
5. Metallica - No more need be said.

Some of the underage totty wondering round was cause for serious distress! But the weed definately took the edge off. That and the looks Viv kept on giving me. Metallica were amazing as always, they played Master of Puppets from start to finish as part of it's 20 year anniversary. And on the Friday, Tool pretty much ruined the rest of the festival by being so fucking good. Damn them!

Ahhhhh, Summer is finally here. After a bit of a shaky start in the UK we're finally underway and it's time to crack out the shorts and t-shirts. Well I wear t-shirts all year round, but shorts definately.

Spring is a bit of a disappointment, it's always a bit on/off, you don't know if you should take a coat, as it might be hot and you'll have to carry it, but then it might rain and you'll get wet. It's an annoying time of year. But the sun has decided to stick around for a bit, so it's time to do some of this:

1. Sunbathe
2. Have a BBQ
3. Go Camping
4. Have sex outdoors
5. Go to a Festival

Or you can just do No. 5 and get all the other 4 rolled in to one! I'm going to the Download Festival this weekend. Which means tomorrow is my last day at work! We're heading down on Thursday. It's a bit of a heavier festival than most, but what can I say, I like that kind of stuff!