I'm going to Hell

Oh, David Caruso, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. It's been a long relationship, for many seasons of CSI:Miami I didn't realise what you were doing. It didn't occur to me to actually pay attention to you. I was blinded by the greatness of the Vegas series, and eventually the New York incarnation.

I can remember the exact moment it happened. It was like a switch being flicked in my head. I thought to myself: "You're SHIT!!". The next thing I know I recognised every cheesy line, every time you moved your glasses, your hero complex, and finally the fact that you're ONLY A CSI. You're not in SWAT, you shouldn't clear a house on your own, or lead in a team of heavily armed and armoured policemen into a criminal's home. You should be sitting outside, with the other CSIs, waiting for the scene to be cleared. You're a twat, and it's time people knew.

1. Now watch this video...
2. ...and again...
3. ...and again...
4. ...and again...
5. ...and again!!!

Does that not just grate on every nerve? Does his smug, ginger face not make you want to go to work on him with a blowtorch, cordless drill and 10Kg bag of salt? His acting is like a toddler pretending to cry. He even uses his 'acting voice' like small children in school plays, who think they have to show that they're acting. If you could see my hatred for David Caruso, it would drive you insane, like seeing all of existence in a single blink.

By now you should all understand. After watching that video there is not a person alive who should still be on his side. Even Jim Carey realises it! That's right. If your not with us, your against us, and you will be dealt with in exactly the same way that he will be. Once we're done with him, we can go after Jerry Bruckheimer. Some of his films really get on my tits.

Labels: assholes, crap, CSI, horror, suckage, TV

Everyone has actors who they like, and they'll watch a movie with them in, because they're good at what they do. On the other hand there are actors who no one in their right mind would want to watch, and you actively avoid, lest you try and scrape out your own eyes in protest of what your watching.

A few of the actors who put me off of watching films are:

1. Jennifer Lopez - You would, but everything she does is terrible.
2. Julia Roberts - Almost certainly a chick flick, and not a good one.
3. Richard Gere - He's like a Julia Roberts clone, but with a different chromosome.
4. Patrick Swayze - Except for Donnie Darko, his acting is bad and dancing does not a fighter make.
5. David Caruso - AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I've got quite a lot of actors that force me to rethink watching a film, and generally I'll wait for someone I trust to tell me it's a good film, before I put my eyeballs in harms way. Actors like Hugh Grant, Martin Lawrence, Robert Redford and Sean Penn also provoke this kind of self preservation.

In fact the other week I accidentally watched the first episode of a new series of CSI:Miami. It was fine for about 5 secs, then the slow motion kicked in and my ears started to bleed. Shortly after that Horatio assumed his normal 'cool' position and delivered a cheesy line while looking of into the distance, with his shades on. Once I'd recovered enough during the titles and the screaming stopped I grabbed the remote control and tried to change channels, only to find it didn't work. In desperation I lunged at the TV, the final notes of the titles ringing in my still bleeding ears. I just managed to hit the standby button as Horatio's hideous face one again appeared before me. To be safe I left the TV off for 2 hours, you know, in case it was a double episode.

Labels: CSI, films, suckage, TV

I really like American TV, it has so many improvements over British TV. For starters all of the seasons are about four times longer, with a team of writers and a much bigger budget. A typical British TV series is about 6 episodes, which is ridiculous, which is why I think we make good comedy, because it doesn't have to last too long, so you don't get bored.

Also most of the shows I like to watch are an hour long, so combined with the long running series they can really pull you in. I decided to do this Top 5 about drama series as there's also a lot of US comedy I like, and it'd need a list of it's own. So here's my Top 5 US dramas:

1. ER
2. Desperate Housewives
3. House MD
4. CSI
5. Prison Break

Quite a few people would probably say 'What about Lost? Or Grey's Anatomy?' and then I say 'Because they're not very good'. Put simply, I got bored of them. Grey's Anatomy as it's far too soppy, and ER and House are much better medical dramas. I think Lost is getting lost itself, in it's own meandering plot lines and unanswered questions. I'd rather watch Prison Break, which is far more clever, well planned and things actually get resolved in an episode. Plus Eko is dead.

As for series I've missed, like 24 or Battlestar Galactica, I haven't been able to see them, as the Wench is not interested and we don't have Sky. I need a decent way of watching those shows on my TV, as getting them on my PC is easy, but being bothered to watch them on it is difficult. Also I'm so far behind, we've only seen season one of 24, and only a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica. I'll get round to them eventually, there's just not enough time.

Any other series I should check out? Am I missing out on some great TV? PLEASE do not mention anything 'reality', because I despise this type of show more than any creature I have encountered, even David Caruso.

Labels: CSI, home, prison break, TV, US