I'm going to Hell

At boarding school I was the kid with the films. At the time hardly anyone had games consoles, I managed to get a PlayStation a bit late in the game. Quite a few people had N64s which we used to 'borrow' to play 4 player MarioKart or GoldenEye. However my main claim was my TV, then my TV/VCR combo. I used to live in Cyprus, where there was no such thing as copyright and I could get pirated videos of the latest blockbuster by walking to the NAAFI (the UK version of a US PX).

One of the weirdest examples I have of this is a young friend asking if I wanted to watch this new film his Dad had bought, it's called 'Jurassic Park' or something. I thought it was pretty good, but the guy on screen who's head was in the way was a little annoying. Afterwards I went home and walked in as the news was reporting how people had queued around the block to watch that very film back in England.

I kept buying videos, they were ridiculously cheap, and I had a case of them I would take to school, to watch and lend. My favourites at the time amongst me and my friends a few years later were:

1. The Rock (1996)
2. Pulp Fiction (1994)
3. Bad Boys (1995)
4. The Usual Suspects (1995)
5. White Men Can't Jump (1992)

We knew each of these films pretty much line by line. I had a fairly limited collection of videos so we used to watch them A LOT. Back then only a few people had their own PCs or laptops, and time available on someone else's was mostly spent playing Duke Nukem 3D or X-COM: Terror From The Deep. Internet connections were barely available in school buildings let alone boarding houses, so there was no Internet, no downloading, a feeble amount of digital porn and the occasional film brought in from home on multiple CDs. That was how I first saw The Phantom Menace, on 3 CDs before it had even been released.

I think one of my favourite moments was creeping down the dorm while eight people were sat in the dark after lights out watching House on Haunted Hill. I reached through the curtain and grabbed the closest shoulder at a particularly scary bit and then listened to the chain reaction of screams. Of course if you watch a bad film you can always forward to about 38:19mins into Wild Things and remove the bad memories. I recall having to do this after watching Animal Farm. Not the cartoon version.

Labels: films, friends, fun, teenagers, TV, UK

I used to be into Big Brother, not in a big way, and it would always take me some time to get into it. I hated the first few weeks, you watch everyone go in and comment on how annoying they are, and the first night is terrible. Everyone just gets drunk, and you can't hear anyone speaking, it's just noise. Loud drunk people talking over one another, I may as well go down the pub. That's also pretty much what goes on for the first few weeks, everyone is loud, there's too much to follow, as there's too many people.

Once the crowd has thinned out a bit and the most annoying have been booted out the house, getting booed mercilessly by the waiting crowd, that's when I'll get into it. But after the first few years, it got even worse. Now I go out of my way not to watch it, for the following reasons:

1. The pointless 'surprises'
2. The bitching
3. The stupid contestants
4. The fact they all think we care after they've left
5. Charley

Basically in this country the 'contestants' are always picked based on breast size, sexual preference and shock value. So you can expect at least 60% women, 40% gay, 30% freaks and about 75% mental. This guarantees hysterics, relationships, break-ups, cliques and at least 17 bitch fights a day between the incredibly nasty and petty 18-23 year old girls they dig out of the nearest shopping centre.

Above all else this woman is the perfect example of everything I hate about Big Brother. She is, and I quote "A self-proclaimed 'it' girl, Charley likes shopping, money and going clubbing at celebrity hangouts." And her Life Philosophy is: "Celebrity, celebrity, cash, celebrity." She has never had a job and gets her money from her cousin, who plays football in the Premiership in the UK. She the most annoying person I have ever had the misfortune of seeing on TV. Her voice grates on my brain like I just face planted onto a blackboard teeth first. Her personality makes me want to punch through her face and pull out her intestines so I can use them to tie her to a post in the middle of Pete's Rabid Bear Emporium. Thank God she's been evicted, now I can get on with forgetting everything about her, as even her cousin has practically disowned her, after seeing what a terrible excuse for a human she is. All I can say is I'm so glad I've got Bravo now so I can watch Sports Disasters, or When Sports Go Bad so I can see idiots hurt themselves instead.

Labels: crap, drinking, horror, Sky+, stupidity, suckage, TV, UK

I have been sehr, sehr busy at work these last couple of weeks (months?). We've been working on a new web site which is absolutely massive. It's the biggest site our company has ever had to produce and we've had about 3 months to do it. We're pretty much into testing and back end stuff right now, but it's debatable whether or not we're going to hit our August deadline.

I was going to say that my post rate is going to increase and hopefully I'll get back to where I was posting a few times a week, but it's doubtful that'll happen for at least another few more weeks. In the meantime this is what's keeping me busy:

1. The new site project
2. Laziness
3. Commuting
4. Maintaining all our websites
5. Trying to relax while at home

The most annoying thing at the moment is that combining my commute and my commitments at home, and spending time with the Wench means I have very little time to myself. Everyone needs some alone time and I don't really get any to myself. I'm a gamer who doesn't game, a film nerd who can't watch films and apparently a blogger, despite my recent absence.

But it hasn't all been bad news. I recently got a promotion, meaning I can start to dig myself out of our numerous debts, and possibly get a decent car. We've also finally gotten our Sky+ (this is like a British version of TIVO), which will help with my film nerd dreams as I now get to record whatever I want to watch, so I don't have to watch crap like Holby City, Property Ladder, or the soul sapping, migraine inducing, bowel relaxing, intelligence lowering, horror laden, retard infested abomination that is Big Brother.

Labels: commuting, films, laziness, Sky+, TV, UK, work

I hate government or military speak. It's the kind of talking where the speaker could say what they wanted to much simpler, but decides to throw in a bunch of big and possibly made up words. This makes the speaker feel big and clever, and the ordinary person listening think he's a giant cock. Generally I see people who use words like this as condescending fucktards.

I don't do this that much as I often run out of big fancy words and end up repeating myself, saying the wrong word or just making up my own words, like George Bush (but on a good day, with a slow autocue that's spelt phonetically). A few examples of words like these are below:

1. Irregardless
2. Pejorative
3. Obfuscate
4. Egregious
5. Behooves

I am aware that irregardless isn't actually a word, but it is used rather a lot considering. In fact irregardless is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. It's a word that is nonsensical sorry, I mean, makes no sense, but people still use it to try and sound clever, they probably heard someone say it on TV. Or just tried to make a smaller word larger to sound more impressive.

To be honest I've only ever really heard these words from TV. Like speeches on the news, or in films where a drill instructor is trying to be intelligent, or an officer is talking to his grunts. I first heard behooves in Tigerland, and then on the news in Iraq. It's not capacious, and it's not sagacious, and you won't cogitate that I'm more perspicacious than I really am because I used a thesaurus.

Labels: assholes, crap, grammar, stupidity, TV

Oh, David Caruso, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. It's been a long relationship, for many seasons of CSI:Miami I didn't realise what you were doing. It didn't occur to me to actually pay attention to you. I was blinded by the greatness of the Vegas series, and eventually the New York incarnation.

I can remember the exact moment it happened. It was like a switch being flicked in my head. I thought to myself: "You're SHIT!!". The next thing I know I recognised every cheesy line, every time you moved your glasses, your hero complex, and finally the fact that you're ONLY A CSI. You're not in SWAT, you shouldn't clear a house on your own, or lead in a team of heavily armed and armoured policemen into a criminal's home. You should be sitting outside, with the other CSIs, waiting for the scene to be cleared. You're a twat, and it's time people knew.

1. Now watch this video...
2. ...and again...
3. ...and again...
4. ...and again...
5. ...and again!!!

Does that not just grate on every nerve? Does his smug, ginger face not make you want to go to work on him with a blowtorch, cordless drill and 10Kg bag of salt? His acting is like a toddler pretending to cry. He even uses his 'acting voice' like small children in school plays, who think they have to show that they're acting. If you could see my hatred for David Caruso, it would drive you insane, like seeing all of existence in a single blink.

By now you should all understand. After watching that video there is not a person alive who should still be on his side. Even Jim Carey realises it! That's right. If your not with us, your against us, and you will be dealt with in exactly the same way that he will be. Once we're done with him, we can go after Jerry Bruckheimer. Some of his films really get on my tits.

Labels: assholes, crap, CSI, horror, suckage, TV

Adverts can be great, but the vast majority suck like MySpace: badly. Adverts can bring you down in the middle of a good program, or film. I can't wait to get Sky+ (England's version of Tivo) so I don't have to watch adverts anymore. Most of the good ones you get to see on YouTube anyway. In fact YouTube has become quite a good trial for a commercial, if it's good, it'll be passed around, like a drunk cheerleader at a frat party.

Bad adverts are boring, uninspired, stupid, badly produced, acted or dubbed. Here's a few of the adverts I've found illustrating a few of these points, or they just grind my gears:

1. Toyota Yaris
2. Get Unhooked (Anti-smoking)
3. HI! I'M BARRY SCOTT!! (Cilit Bang) - Remixed version! <-- Funny stuff
4. Orange Mobile Phones
5. Frosties

The Orange advert is clever, but is on all day. In my office there are TVs all over the place, and I hear this advert every 10mins. I'm on the verge of putting my head through the next screen on which this advert appears.

The Frosties advert is quite possibly the most annoying thing since the french. It's very well known in the UK, I'm not sure if it's in the US. It was played so much I developed a twitch every time it came on the TV. Over here it became so annoying a radio DJ started a rumour that the kid had killed himself because he'd been bullied so much due to the advert. It's kind of an urban legend now, despite the DJ telling everyone he's really alive and well a large number of people still think he's dead.

This redeems my faith that not everyone in advertising is as cripplingly retarded as a brain damaged chimp on acid.

Labels: adverts, stupidity, suckage, TV, UK

Being knackered at work is a pretty big problem for quite a few people. Recently I've been having trouble as I don't have work that is that interesting, so I have to try and keep myself awake. Normal people just drink coffee, but if I did that I'd be sick all over my desk, because I'd rather grate my nut sack than drink coffee. Generally I don't have hot drinks at all.

Luckily my workplace is rather lax. Not quite slumped over my desk with my head on my arms relaxed, but I've got pretty much free reign over what I do during the work day, as long as my work gets done. I've since come up with these ideas:

1. Listen to music
2. Watch some TV
3. Drink something cold
4. Try and find some more interesting work
5. Don't eat carbohydrates at lunch

Occasionally during the day I'll take breaks to watch crap on YouTube, or just on TV. I listen to music while I'm working, Pandora is excellent for this. Every now and then I'll request some more work, or pick up some of the jobs floating around to give myself a change of pace and topic. Something to prevent my brain slowly shutting down until I'm typing gibberish with my eyes closed.

The main reason I fall asleep is my sandwiches at lunch. Who would've though that a simple ham sandwich could be a threat to my job? Basically the sandwiches give me a carb crash so sudden and massive the Sandman himself would stand back in awe and watch a true master at work. Bizarrely enough I started this post hours ago, I have been fighting off sleep ever since so I haven't been able to finish it until now.

Labels: music, sleep, suckage, TV, work

The Wench is currently on a bit of a comedy bender. Pretty much everything we watch has to be funny. I can see where she's coming from, our year has started badly so far and getting a bit of a laugh is what we need. Laughter is pretty therapeutic, and it's nice to have a chuckle every now and then. It has limited our viewing options quite a bit though, and my stack of DVDs to watch has steadily grown as we're never in the mood.

Here's our current top 5 shows we watch to lighten our moods of an evening:

1. Futurama
2. Family Guy
3. Robot Chicken
4. American Dad
5. Drawn Together

Nothing quite cheers me up like a bit of inappropriate humour, which American Dad, Robot Chicken and Drawn Together can all deliver in spades. I love it when nothing is sacred and absolutely anything can be used for a joke, because it's not like anyone can complain if they're picking on everyone. Blacks, whites, gays, jocks, fatties, twiglets, no matter your race, class, sexuality, handicap or lifestyle your likely to be a target at some point.

Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable for me and the Wench, as you inevitably create little in-jokes amongst yourselves which people don't get if they haven't seen the show. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but if the joke is a little inappropriate, you get strange looks. Hopefully, like in our case, after you explain yourself your friends are forgiving enough to overlook a comment about horribly penising someone.

Labels: comedy, fun, home, nice, TV, US, wench

I am a smoker. I'm a bit of a rubbish smoker as well. I only really smoke when the Wench smokes, and she's been smoking since she was 4, or something like that. I only smoke a lot when I'm drinking, and it's when I'm drinking I really get the urge to smoke as well.

I keep trying to give the Wench reasons to quit, but they never work, and I'm too lazy to quit if she keeps on doing it, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle, as I could be leading by example. Here are some of the reasons I've given her to quit:

1. It's expensive
2. It smells
3. Wheezing/coughing/general unhealthiness
4. Lung cancer
5. There are NO benefits

The weird thing is there are NO BENEFITS to smoking. Yet it's such a popular habit. People claim it relaxes you. The only time having a cigarette has relaxed me was when I hadn't had one for 2 days and my body was craving the nicotine. It's only relaxing if your addicted and jonesing for a hit. On the other hand it has some monstrous negatives, listing death as one of it's main downsides.

Why do people start smoking? It tastes terrible to begin with. I can't get the Wench to give me a proper reason as to why she started. As far as I can figure it her friend started and she thought it was cool. And it is. It is cool to smoke. But she won't admit it. I started smoking because I thought it was cool, and so did a lot of people I know. It made you look older, feel more grown up and kids looked up to you. Look at all the movies, all the cool characters smoked: James Bond, Fonzie and Bender to name a few. But I really should quit now, look what happened to Darth Vader.

Labels: cigarettes, films, health, stupidity, suckage, teenagers, TV, wench

There's a distinct lack of decent TV around for all times of the day, and prime time TV is where the good shits at. But sometimes the decent slots are filled with rubbish. Like reality TV, which I despise and would gladly use one of my three magic wishes to destroy, along with everyone who has ever appeared in one.

But 'Teen Dramas' also twist my nipples. Most of these shows are incredibly popular, and below are listed my top 5 soppiest:

1. Beverley Hills, 90210
2. Party of Five
3. One Tree Hill
4. The OC
5. Dawson's Creek

A major reason I don't like these shows is because of the terrible storylines brought about by teenage angst. Luckily I was never an angsty teenager, mostly because I liked my parents, I went to boarding school and I was getting some. So the fact that these rich kids in nice houses and ideal lives were getting in such trouble just seemed so ridiculous.

I once made the mistake of watching a few of these shows, until I realised that I couldn't actually understand a single thing anyone said, all the actors are in their late 20s and my life was nothing like theirs. A series can really lose it's appeal once you've come to terms with these facts. No matter how many witty pop references, or deconstructions of teenage life in America, or whatever, you put in the show, you have to remember that your aiming at a young audience and they just won't understand what 'I just think our emerging hormones are destined to alter our relationship and I'm trying to limit the fallout' means. I mean come on, who talks like that? Especially at 15.

Labels: emo, stupidity, suckage, teenagers, TV

Continuing the musical theme of the last couple of posts here are some excellent cover versions. This is where I get to be the hypocrite, as I believe most of these have been released as singles, if not all of them. However they were all done differently to the original version, as far as I am aware, the only one I'm not sure on is Jeff Buckley, as I've never heard the original version.

All of the songs except for the Marilyn Manson one are slower and, it seems to me at least, a lot sadder. They seem to get a lot more of the emotion of the song. That's probably because their is barely any accompaniment, and the lyrics can be interpreted in that way.

1. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
2. Mad World - Gary Jules
3. Johnny Cash - Hurt
4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
5. Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

While these are great songs, and great versions, they do still get on my nerves sometimes. Well it's not that they get on my nerves, it's that they get overused. If you watch any series on TV, if they're having one of those 'My partner just died, how am I going to tell his wife' cop moments, or a 'My girlfriend has cheated on me with my best friend, and she's the love of my life, how can I forgive her?' whiny teenage moment, or a 'The world has gone crazy!' slow motion montage of horrible atrocities from all over the rash covered, pimply ass of the world, the slow, sad, moving song they choose to play over the top, always seems to be one of the first 3 songs in the list.

Cheer up you sad Fucks. I'm sure there's another song about that can convey the appropriate emotion and angst Ryan is feeling in his idyllic life in the O.C., without having to resort to using Jeff Buckley again.

Labels: music, nice, stupidity, TV

Everyone has actors who they like, and they'll watch a movie with them in, because they're good at what they do. On the other hand there are actors who no one in their right mind would want to watch, and you actively avoid, lest you try and scrape out your own eyes in protest of what your watching.

A few of the actors who put me off of watching films are:

1. Jennifer Lopez - You would, but everything she does is terrible.
2. Julia Roberts - Almost certainly a chick flick, and not a good one.
3. Richard Gere - He's like a Julia Roberts clone, but with a different chromosome.
4. Patrick Swayze - Except for Donnie Darko, his acting is bad and dancing does not a fighter make.
5. David Caruso - AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I've got quite a lot of actors that force me to rethink watching a film, and generally I'll wait for someone I trust to tell me it's a good film, before I put my eyeballs in harms way. Actors like Hugh Grant, Martin Lawrence, Robert Redford and Sean Penn also provoke this kind of self preservation.

In fact the other week I accidentally watched the first episode of a new series of CSI:Miami. It was fine for about 5 secs, then the slow motion kicked in and my ears started to bleed. Shortly after that Horatio assumed his normal 'cool' position and delivered a cheesy line while looking of into the distance, with his shades on. Once I'd recovered enough during the titles and the screaming stopped I grabbed the remote control and tried to change channels, only to find it didn't work. In desperation I lunged at the TV, the final notes of the titles ringing in my still bleeding ears. I just managed to hit the standby button as Horatio's hideous face one again appeared before me. To be safe I left the TV off for 2 hours, you know, in case it was a double episode.

Labels: CSI, films, suckage, TV

Currently AnonymousCoworker has a post up about annoying adverts. Well I know of plenty of annoying adverts, but decided to be positive today, after all, it's Friday, and I get to go home soon! I'm sure this post's evil twin will rear it's malformed head soon enough.

So here's a bunch of adverts which are either clever, funny or just bring a smile to my face:

1. Jon West Tuna - Bear Fight
2. VW Polo - Viral Ad, Small but tough
3. Lynx - Billions of Girls | Perfect Girlfriends | Touch
4. Guinness - The Surfer | Racing Snails | Evolution
5. Honda - Balance | The Choir | Power of Dreams | Hate Diesel

There were two more Guinness ads I really liked, but I couldn't find them; one was the actual snail racing advert, and the other was where a guy is swimming in a race against the perfect pint.

Another one I didn't include in my list, but remembered afterwards is Reebok's Terry Tate: Office Linebacker ad, which is a piece of genius rolled in amusing violence and lovingly delivered to you on a poor office workers broken spine.

I think I could really use the motivation that an office linebacker would provide. I'd be as productive as a whole basement of Indian carpet makers, with the threat of having my head put through my monitor hanging over me. Although to be honest, after the first tackle over the reception desk for being 10 minutes late I'd probably just be a nervous wreck, gibbering at my desk. However if I used my Lynx I could get all the women in the office to act as a human shield to protect me! It's a shame I'm not a spotty 13 year old anymore, because then I may actually believe those adverts.

Labels: adverts, nice, TV

I really like American TV, it has so many improvements over British TV. For starters all of the seasons are about four times longer, with a team of writers and a much bigger budget. A typical British TV series is about 6 episodes, which is ridiculous, which is why I think we make good comedy, because it doesn't have to last too long, so you don't get bored.

Also most of the shows I like to watch are an hour long, so combined with the long running series they can really pull you in. I decided to do this Top 5 about drama series as there's also a lot of US comedy I like, and it'd need a list of it's own. So here's my Top 5 US dramas:

1. ER
2. Desperate Housewives
3. House MD
4. CSI
5. Prison Break

Quite a few people would probably say 'What about Lost? Or Grey's Anatomy?' and then I say 'Because they're not very good'. Put simply, I got bored of them. Grey's Anatomy as it's far too soppy, and ER and House are much better medical dramas. I think Lost is getting lost itself, in it's own meandering plot lines and unanswered questions. I'd rather watch Prison Break, which is far more clever, well planned and things actually get resolved in an episode. Plus Eko is dead.

As for series I've missed, like 24 or Battlestar Galactica, I haven't been able to see them, as the Wench is not interested and we don't have Sky. I need a decent way of watching those shows on my TV, as getting them on my PC is easy, but being bothered to watch them on it is difficult. Also I'm so far behind, we've only seen season one of 24, and only a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica. I'll get round to them eventually, there's just not enough time.

Any other series I should check out? Am I missing out on some great TV? PLEASE do not mention anything 'reality', because I despise this type of show more than any creature I have encountered, even David Caruso.

Labels: CSI, home, prison break, TV, US