I'm going to Hell

As fun as Download Festival is every year, it's always great to get home. I enjoy camping quite a bit, but at a festival it's not quite the same. You don't have as much room, you don't have ready access to your car (it's a 50 minute walk away), the toilets are always far away and they stink. And if you want a shower you have to wait hours for it.

The camping is something to be endured, not enjoyed. No one enjoys camping at a festival. The only good thing about camping is... hang on... I'll think of something... It's doesn't take as long to get into the arena the next day! Ha! I knew I could think of some reason! Now for 5 reasons why I'm glad to be home:

1. My living quarters are no longer a tent
2. There is a supermarket just down the road
3. I don't have to walk everywhere
4. I can have a shower/wash whenever I want
5. I have immediate access to a toilet

For days my bathroom has been a pack of wet wipes, my kitchen a camping stove and a bag of various cans (all the labels got ripped off the first night), my toilet the camp fence (or a 10 minute walk to an indescribable hell) and my changing room an oven temperature tent. Waking up every morning with a hangover really didn't help.

Needless to say I'm glad to be back, despite the sun and boozing. After an hour long shower where my skin changed colour 4 times I felt refreshed and clean, hungry and a little sad. Sure the camping experience is just a small step from being a refugee, but refugees don't have a bunch of awesome bands to rock out to everyday. Although nor do they have to pay for the privilege.

Labels: crap, downloadfestival, drinking, hangover, home, horror, music, suckage, sun

We've been in our flat apartment for just over a year now, I think, and during that time we were mostly neighbourless. The apartment to one side was occupied briefly, but the owner was hardly ever home, for months at a time, and she's just sold the place. The apartment on our other side was put up for rent, and only recently did anyone move in. We had grown accustomed to being alone and quiet in our corner of the building. Then Slammy McDoor-Swinger moved in next door.

Here's the top 5 things that make the Wench pray for a small localised holocaust and/or nuclear blast:

1. They're not particularly friendly
2. They don't turn off the hallway light.
3. They don't lock the hallway door.
4. They slam their doors.
5. They park halfway in our parking space.

These may seem like small petty things, and they are, but they really get on the Wench's nerves. Only the parking really annoys me, as we only have one space (which we own), the car park is always pretty full and they're taking up two.

Over the weekend the Wench discovered that when someone buzzes our neighbours' intercom, we can pick up the phone as well. So she was listening to their conversation and then whispered into the phone, "Helloo...". Apparently they both stopped talking and got a bit freaked out. So I guess that's the Wench's plan to get rid of them, scare them and either convince them that a) this one year old building is haunted, or b) we're mental enough that they want to leave.

Labels: assholes, fun, home, suckage, wench

The Wench is currently on a bit of a comedy bender. Pretty much everything we watch has to be funny. I can see where she's coming from, our year has started badly so far and getting a bit of a laugh is what we need. Laughter is pretty therapeutic, and it's nice to have a chuckle every now and then. It has limited our viewing options quite a bit though, and my stack of DVDs to watch has steadily grown as we're never in the mood.

Here's our current top 5 shows we watch to lighten our moods of an evening:

1. Futurama
2. Family Guy
3. Robot Chicken
4. American Dad
5. Drawn Together

Nothing quite cheers me up like a bit of inappropriate humour, which American Dad, Robot Chicken and Drawn Together can all deliver in spades. I love it when nothing is sacred and absolutely anything can be used for a joke, because it's not like anyone can complain if they're picking on everyone. Blacks, whites, gays, jocks, fatties, twiglets, no matter your race, class, sexuality, handicap or lifestyle your likely to be a target at some point.

Sometimes it can get a bit uncomfortable for me and the Wench, as you inevitably create little in-jokes amongst yourselves which people don't get if they haven't seen the show. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but if the joke is a little inappropriate, you get strange looks. Hopefully, like in our case, after you explain yourself your friends are forgiving enough to overlook a comment about horribly penising someone.

Labels: comedy, fun, home, nice, TV, US, wench

I had more bad news over the weekend as I found one of my pet rats had died over Friday night. Sneezy wasn't the most originally named pet, and I shouldn't say but she was my favourite. The sneezing was an indication that she had an infection, and she was sneezing when we got her, and despite our efforts, never really got better. She did well to last the six months.

The Wench came and woke me up on Saturday morning, worried that she wasn't moving, so I got up to take a look. We found her curled up in her house, having past away during the night. I was surprised by how upset I was, as I had become very attached to her. Here's my Top 5 things I loved about her:

1. She used to come and say 'Hi' when I got back from work
2. She'd climb up the front of her cage to get a treat, then hang there and eat it
3. She could jump nearly 4 foot from a standing start
4. For a small rodent, she was surprisingly interactive and intelligent
5. When we got them out to play, she was the most adventurous

Sneezy left behind her sister Shy (I bet you can figure out why she was named that). Shy was quite stressed all Saturday and it didn't take us long to decide to get some more friends for her. After all apparently the best toy for a rat, is another rat. But we had a day of mourning and did nothing on Saturday as a mark of respect.

On Sunday we buried Sneezy in my parents garden; our garden is nearly non-existent. Then we went and got two more rats, which we named Misty and Sugar (we've become slightly better at the naming). We weren't going to put them together straight away, but Shy found a way through our defenses and they seemed to be fine together so we left them like that. Shy seemed much happier with the company.

Goodbye Sneezy, you will be missed.

Labels: home, Pets, Rats, suckage, wench

Sooner or later at some point in everyone's life they take the time to become properly intoxicated and then spend the night with their significant other, or a group of close friends, and sit about setting the world to rights. Or in my case, asking stupid questions and thinking how great your answers are.

In the past couple of weeks there have been quite a few Friday and Saturday nights spent in this fashion, and while the large majority of things we talked about are either boring or I've forgotten about them, here's five that I can remember:

1. Would it be better to have a pound note than a pound coin?
2. Are music, films, sport and games justifiable items to list as your interests?
3. Does playing Wii sports really make you fitter?
4. What is the sweatier sport: Basketball or Squash?
5. Is Frankenstein's Monster also the abominable snowman?

A few of these are quite hard to decide on. For example Squash, similar to racquetball in the US, is possibly the most physically demanding sport I've ever played, but the games are short. When I played basketball, especially inside, it's the sweatiest I've ever been, but then the games are much longer. So which is the sweatiest?

As for the monetary issue, I've been to America and used notes, and also live in the UK and used coins. Personally I prefer notes, having a pocket full of change is annoying, and it makes going to Strip Bars expensive as the smallest note over here is £5, and you can't tuck coins into a strippers thong. Perhaps they could wear coin purses, maybe attached to garters or something...

Labels: drinking, friends, home, stupidity, wench

I really like American TV, it has so many improvements over British TV. For starters all of the seasons are about four times longer, with a team of writers and a much bigger budget. A typical British TV series is about 6 episodes, which is ridiculous, which is why I think we make good comedy, because it doesn't have to last too long, so you don't get bored.

Also most of the shows I like to watch are an hour long, so combined with the long running series they can really pull you in. I decided to do this Top 5 about drama series as there's also a lot of US comedy I like, and it'd need a list of it's own. So here's my Top 5 US dramas:

1. ER
2. Desperate Housewives
3. House MD
4. CSI
5. Prison Break

Quite a few people would probably say 'What about Lost? Or Grey's Anatomy?' and then I say 'Because they're not very good'. Put simply, I got bored of them. Grey's Anatomy as it's far too soppy, and ER and House are much better medical dramas. I think Lost is getting lost itself, in it's own meandering plot lines and unanswered questions. I'd rather watch Prison Break, which is far more clever, well planned and things actually get resolved in an episode. Plus Eko is dead.

As for series I've missed, like 24 or Battlestar Galactica, I haven't been able to see them, as the Wench is not interested and we don't have Sky. I need a decent way of watching those shows on my TV, as getting them on my PC is easy, but being bothered to watch them on it is difficult. Also I'm so far behind, we've only seen season one of 24, and only a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica. I'll get round to them eventually, there's just not enough time.

Any other series I should check out? Am I missing out on some great TV? PLEASE do not mention anything 'reality', because I despise this type of show more than any creature I have encountered, even David Caruso.

Labels: CSI, home, prison break, TV, US

I like the idea of karma, most of the time. I'm not a bad person, I don't do bad things. In fact I like to think of myself as a nice person. I don't go out of my way to be awesome and do really good deeds, but if you dropped your wallet, I'd probably let you know as you were walking off, or I'd try and get it back to you.

Which is why I can't understand when a whole bunch of bad stuff ends up on me and the Wench all at once. What heinous murders or other wrongdoings must I have committed in a past life to be this unlucky? Here's my top 5 reasons for feeling done over by karma:

1. Late payment charge
2. Ground Rent
3. Maintenance Fee
4. MOT
5. Plumber's call out charge

The late payment charge was kind of our fault, the Wench has changed jobs, so we're a bit low on cash, and she became overdrawn on an account. The MOT is on our car which is only ours as our last one got written off in an accident that wasn't my fault (seriously, it was parked and I was at work in a different city), so we had to get a cheap replacement which now needs work to keep it going. The ground rent and maintenance fee are for our flat, WHICH WE OWN, so this is on top of our mortgage. We were led to believe this would be around £200 a year, but in reality it's over 3 times that amount.

Finally the plumbing charge. Our washing machine was fitted by the site manager of our flats as they were still being built as we moved in. He did it as a favour to save us some money. Later on the washing machine leaked as it had not been properly fitted. The resulting charge for the plumber was £130+ (around $260) for him to TIGHTEN SOME SCREWS! I don't know about you, but to me that seems like anal rape on an intergalactic scale. I hope karma rains down on that plumber for the rest of his life and it's about time some good shit started happening to us.

Labels: bills, home, suckage, wench