I'm going to Hell

It seems a little strange to me that a country as small as ours would feel good enough about itself to put 'Great' in front of it's name. It makes me wonder who we're trying to convince, the rest of the world, or ourselves. I always hear people complaining about living here, but if you think about it a bit, it's actually an awesome place to live!

Here's five reasons why this little Britain really is Great:

1. We used to have the largest empire in history, spanning a quarter of the world.
2. Music
3. Free health care on the NHS
4. Drinking at 18
5. Sex at 16

Sure we always bang on about what we used to own, but the point is when this country was a little younger we really were an over-achieving bunch. We make up for that now by continually losing to the rest of the world at sports we invented.

We still have good music, and an amazing history of music, even inventing Metal (Thanks Ozzy!). But we're also famous for the Beatles, The Who and The Rolling Stones. Not to mention more recent great bands like Led Zeppelin, Queen, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden. We were also well into Punk, with the Sex Pistols and The Clash. In the 80s there was New Wave, but the less said about that the better.

I like this country's drinking culture. It's always raised as a negative, but I myself am a binge drinker, and I like doing it. I like that I could drink (legally) from 18, and have sex at 16, I felt I was old enough and responsible enough to do those things. I still drink as much as I did at 15 18 and I don't plan on slowing down. Sure this may eventually lead to some problems later in my life, but on the positive side, health care is free!

Labels: drinking, fun, health, history, music, nostalgia, teenagers, UK

Happy New Year! I know it's late, as always. I've not had the greatest start to the year, probably better than last year, but still not great. After the God of Hangovers finally decided to move on from the party he and his insane, screeching hyena entourage were having inside my skull on the 2nd of January, I was granted a day of reprieve until I fell ill on the 4th. After a miserable weekend spent on the couch curled up with the Wench and a duvet I got back to work on the Monday.

So I've been catching up with stuff since then. Cleaning up, doing work, blah blah, the usual grind. Every so often I need to remind myself of a few things:

1. 2007 is over
2. I have a new car
3. I'm not ill any more
4. 2008 can finally get going
5. I'm getting married this year!

We actually bought our car last year, finally getting rid of one of the things that made 2007 so unbearable. The car cost £600 when we bought it, since then we've spent at least 3 times that on keeping it running. No longer will things drop off our car unexpectedly, deflate, collapse, spin away or break apart. Fingers crossed.

The other big news is that this is the year I make the Wench an honest woman. Not that she's not an honest woman now, it's a bit of a stupid expression really. The realisation that we have less than nine months left to plan, book and arrange our wedding was a bit of a shock. I'm not really involved in the planning so far, which can only be a good thing, it seems to be ticking along nicely with the Wench and her mum doing their thing. As long as I get my pimp cane, top hat and topless ushers I'll be fine.

Labels: crap, drinking, hangover, health, holiday, wedding, wench

You know when you think "If I bought gym equipment so I could exercise at home, I wouldn't need to go to a gym"? A clever person then realises that if your not going to a gym the chances of you doing exercise are less than your chances of surviving a raptor attack. I've had a few of these moments, and by my own metaphor, I would be a bloody lump of bones, being picked through by prehistoric scavengers.

In my attempts to lower my gym bills I have purchased a number of pieces of fitness equipment. I've used a few of them, but most of the time they just lean against the wall, taking up much needed living space. A few times I've not even assembled the equipment. Here's my top 5:

1. A Powerball - Used 3 times in a year.
2. A Rowing Machine - Used quite a bit in the first 2 years, once or twice in the 2 years since.
3. Free Weights - Used quite a bit for six months, once or twice in the 3 years since.
4. A Weight Bench - Never been used.
5. Cross Trainer - Bought 2 weeks ago, not been used yet.

And I keep buying more stuff! If I actually used any of this kit I'd be pretty buff, unfortunately that's not really the case. The last thing I used was some Tae-Bo DVDs, which are pretty good by the way, but that was about 2 months ago. I'll buy something thinking this will be the thing to trigger me off, then I will suddenly become a fitness obsessed machine, my weight will disappear and within a week I will have the body of a Mediterranean speedo model. This almost never happens.

I'm just to lazy too keep it up. I bought my weight bench to go with my weights, which already had a great layer of dust on. The bench sat assembled for 6 months. Then in a fit of energy I assembled the bench. Now it has stood against the wall for a further 4 months unused. The cross trainer we bought 2 weeks ago from a friend has been unused for 2 weeks, except when the Wench used it for 10 minutes one morning. I swear one of these days I will get up off my lazy ass and do some exercise! I can even watch TV when I'm using most of the kit, and I've spent enough money on it all!

Labels: exercise, health, stupidity, wench

I am a smoker. I'm a bit of a rubbish smoker as well. I only really smoke when the Wench smokes, and she's been smoking since she was 4, or something like that. I only smoke a lot when I'm drinking, and it's when I'm drinking I really get the urge to smoke as well.

I keep trying to give the Wench reasons to quit, but they never work, and I'm too lazy to quit if she keeps on doing it, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle, as I could be leading by example. Here are some of the reasons I've given her to quit:

1. It's expensive
2. It smells
3. Wheezing/coughing/general unhealthiness
4. Lung cancer
5. There are NO benefits

The weird thing is there are NO BENEFITS to smoking. Yet it's such a popular habit. People claim it relaxes you. The only time having a cigarette has relaxed me was when I hadn't had one for 2 days and my body was craving the nicotine. It's only relaxing if your addicted and jonesing for a hit. On the other hand it has some monstrous negatives, listing death as one of it's main downsides.

Why do people start smoking? It tastes terrible to begin with. I can't get the Wench to give me a proper reason as to why she started. As far as I can figure it her friend started and she thought it was cool. And it is. It is cool to smoke. But she won't admit it. I started smoking because I thought it was cool, and so did a lot of people I know. It made you look older, feel more grown up and kids looked up to you. Look at all the movies, all the cool characters smoked: James Bond, Fonzie and Bender to name a few. But I really should quit now, look what happened to Darth Vader.

Labels: cigarettes, films, health, stupidity, suckage, teenagers, TV, wench