I'm going to Hell

It seems a little strange to me that a country as small as ours would feel good enough about itself to put 'Great' in front of it's name. It makes me wonder who we're trying to convince, the rest of the world, or ourselves. I always hear people complaining about living here, but if you think about it a bit, it's actually an awesome place to live!

Here's five reasons why this little Britain really is Great:

1. We used to have the largest empire in history, spanning a quarter of the world.
2. Music
3. Free health care on the NHS
4. Drinking at 18
5. Sex at 16

Sure we always bang on about what we used to own, but the point is when this country was a little younger we really were an over-achieving bunch. We make up for that now by continually losing to the rest of the world at sports we invented.

We still have good music, and an amazing history of music, even inventing Metal (Thanks Ozzy!). But we're also famous for the Beatles, The Who and The Rolling Stones. Not to mention more recent great bands like Led Zeppelin, Queen, Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden. We were also well into Punk, with the Sex Pistols and The Clash. In the 80s there was New Wave, but the less said about that the better.

I like this country's drinking culture. It's always raised as a negative, but I myself am a binge drinker, and I like doing it. I like that I could drink (legally) from 18, and have sex at 16, I felt I was old enough and responsible enough to do those things. I still drink as much as I did at 15 18 and I don't plan on slowing down. Sure this may eventually lead to some problems later in my life, but on the positive side, health care is free!

Labels: drinking, fun, health, history, music, nostalgia, teenagers, UK

Everyone needs a little box of comebacks, for those times when people just hurl abuse at you, like at breakfast. At times like that your sanity relies on you being able to whip out an appropriate put down which will silence your assailant. This is especially important when your a kid. I went to a boarding school and bullying was so common it was just a way of life. Everyone was a bully, including me, it just depended how good you were at it.

The bullying wasn't as important as your counter, or as we referred to it 'banter'. You had to have a comeback ready, and if you weren't quick enough to come up with one to suit the occasion, you used one of the many standard retorts:

1. So's your face.
2. I am rubber, you are glue.
3. That's what your (girlfriend/Dad/Mum/Sister/Dog) said.
4. A 'Your Momma' joke.
5. Your Mum's dead.

A lot of the time we just insulted each other to say hello, so a good your momma joke was an appropriate response. However if someone really pissed you off you could use 'Your Mum's Dead'. This was the childhood equivalent of the modern nuclear weapon, mutually assured destruction. The 'Your Mum's Dead' answer could be taken one of two ways: The first would be a standard counter-retort, and an argument that would probably just escalate into the ridiculsphere, where insults no longer make any sense. Of course you could end up with the second way, when your assailant's Mum is actually dead... Chances are that will not end well.

Labels: assholes, comedy, history, stupidity, teenagers, UK

So over two weeks after I said I was going to see 300 I finally managed to drag the Wench to the cinema to see it on The Big Screen. It was definitely worth the effort. The only thing I can think though is that it's probably not going to be as good the second time round. Sure it's impressive, the visuals are stunning, and everything looks just like a moving comic book, but other than all the dudes with rippling muscles killing hundreds of masked samurai-esque warriors what are you going to concentrate on now you know what's coming? What am I talking about? It was AWESOME!!

In honour of the magnificence that was 300 I give you my Top 5 Spartans:

1. Michigan State Spartans
2. John Spartan
3. Master Chief
4. Kratos
5. King Leonidas

The Spartans were apparently the finest soldiers the world has ever produced. What happened to them? If they were that great they can't have been annihilated. Maybe they moved. Or maybe, like those other highly evolved killers of long ago, the dinosaurs, they evolved into something else?* Yeah, maybe they just got so good at killing people and being the ultimate soldiers that they evolved into ninjas. Then they all disappeared, never to be heard from again, only to be remembered for their past deeds before they moved on to a higher plane of existence.

*Note: I think this is crap, the dinosaurs were killed off by a time-travelling idiot with the flu.

Labels: films, history, late, science, stupidity, wench

At last, I drag together enough time and inspiration to squeeze out another post. It's been a long time coming but don't get too over excited.

I've seen a lot of arguments recently, I've not participated in many, but I've witnessed quite a few. Arguments in modern times seem to quickly dissolve into shouting matches, with all sides deciding they'll win if they repeat themselves the most at the highest volume. Well this may work for dogs and retards, but civilised human beings should use one of these less violent and noisy alternatives:

1. Each side can put forth a well thought out and coherent argument, before hearing the next participants viewpoint, then decide on a course of action, possibly a compromise to the benefit of all parties.
2. Flip a coin
3. Rock, Paper, Scissors
4. Russian Roulette
5. Fight to the death

Personally I find a flip of the coin works quite well. Sure it doesn't always work, but if your bad at presenting your point then winning half your arguments, even against superior debaters arguers is a pretty good win/loss ratio.

As a solution to arguments I think that quite often fighting to the death is neglected as a possible alternative. In a better time gentlemen would challenge each other to duels in order to settle a quarrel, not stand about in the street in the middle of the night, yelling incomprehensible babble at each other until one side wonders off, is hit by a car, or falls asleep. I'm a firm believer in letting whoever is the finest swordsman or greatest shot win an argument. Even in the future we know that inevitably all disputes will be decided in the Thunderdome, just as they were hundreds of years ago. Two men enter, one man leaves! Two men enter, one man leaves!

Labels: drinking, films, history, stupidity

When I was at boarding school I was the only kid there who had a video player, and a decent collection of videos as well. I was at school at around the time DVDs were coming out, so there were a lot of sales on at the time, and my video collection was pretty large. Unfortunately since then my video player has died so I now have to try and replace them all.

Anyway, we used to say a lot of lines from the films we watched, and I was known for being able to name the films they were from. Here's 5 to test your film knowledge:

1. "I hope I give you the shits, you fucking wimp."
2. "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY."
3. "You want to be a big cop in a small town, fuck off to the Model Village."
4. "You can put a cat in an oven, but that don't make it a biscuit."
5. "What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong"

I'm not sure many will get number 3, as it's a new film and I don't know if it's been released in the US yet. The rest are out on DVD, so you've got a fair chance of getting them.

I'm a bit of a dork at heart, not a geek or a nerd, well maybe a little bit. There is a fine line between the two. It seems that dorks are a bit more socially active, so they're allowed their geeky habits, they have friends and girlfriends. My main interests include movies and videogames, and I'm a programmer by trade, but I also have quite a few friends and get out a lot, making me an acceptable geek, or a dork. The Wench was horrified to find out I considered myself a bit geeky. I am a bit of geek though, look, I'm writing in my blog.

Labels: films, friends, fun, history, quiz, wench

When I was younger we moved around a lot. My Dad was in the military so we moved every 2 years. I've lived in a few different places in England, a few in Germany and even in Cyprus. I really liked moving around a lot, it never got boring, as I always got to see the best bits of wherever we went. As I went to boarding school as well it really made the holidays feel like holidays, as I was always somewhere new.

However as I got older I used to get bored not being at school. While I had school friends, I had few friends at home and hoped we could stay somewhere long enough for me to make some. My Dad's final posting was to York, and he liked the area so much we stayed here. Here's 5 reasons why I like York:

1. I'm not a city person, York is a city, but it's small
2. It's the longest I've ever lived anywhere
3. There's lots of history
4. My family is here
5. I have some very good friends here

As I've been in York for around 10 years now I've gotten to know it better than anywhere I've lived. I have some great friends and I see my family more. I love the history of York, after all it's the city New York wants to be when it grows up. Finally I've stayed somewhere longer than 2 years and it's nice to be able to say I'm from somewhere, whereas before I was just 'from all over' or, as I liked to say, I was omnipresent.

Labels: friends, history, nice, york