I'm going to Hell

I went to some friends' wedding over the weekend and it was a great day. I don't especially like weddings, I am a man after all, and as I'm taken I can't really enjoy looking at the nice young bridesmaids either. I'm not a religious person either and church weddings offend me, particularly when non-religious people get married in churches.

This wasn't the case on Saturday. The wedding was small, cheap, but still very nice. The service was in York Registry Office, a very nice building. Then the reception and evening party were at friends' houses. A wedding on a budget, I liked the idea!

Here are my Top 5 weekend thoughts:

1. Damn, it's hot
2. Even the scruffiest person looks good in a suit
3. Starcraft is as good as I remember it
4. Always ask for ID
5. Small Weddings are not a bad thing

Unless of course your missus is expecting something larger. When I mentioned that I wouldn't mind a smaller wedding, my fiancee shot me a look that would've made fully grown and battle hardened dragon riding barbarians cower in a corner with their hands over their testicles. Looks like I know what my life savings are going on. And when I say life savings I mean whatevers left of my £200 once I've insured the car.

Any man will tell you it is their sworn duty to always try and look cool. Every man across the world maintains a constant struggle towards perfection, to always appear cool under any circumstances. Especially men like me, who find it incredibly hard to look cool at any time.

But there are situations in which even the coolest amongst us can find themselves stretched, where even the most manly of men struggle to maintain the facade, where even Chuck Norris himself flinches in the face of what is to come. Here are my Top 5:

1. Waiting for your girlfriend near a changing room
2. Tripping on anything, especially the pavement
3. Getting on an escalator
4. Putting on a condom
5. Walking down a moving bus

The bus is the worst for normal men. You are completely at the mercy of the driver, so you better pray he's nice. Chuck Norris is so cool because he can avoid most of these problems. If Chuck Norris had to wait for his girlfriend, he'd kill her, if he caught his foot on anything, he'd destroy it, he could jump higher than any escalator and run faster and longer than any bus. And there's not a condom in existence that could hold Chuck Norris's sperm.

Something a bit surreal happened the other night. We had a bunch of friends around and we were drinking, then we started playing two-player Guitar Hero (this isn't the strange thing yet). Me and Viv stepped up and started rocking to a song on hard, both in power stance, completely in time with each other.

That's when one of my friends asked us a question about what we do together, and here are 5 things which people should try:

1. Go for long windy walks.
2. Have a pleasant dinner at a nice restaurant.
3. See a nice film.
4. Buy a pet and care for it for many years.
5. Have sex while playing Guitar Hero.

In fact my friend said "Do you two have sex to this?" to which I immediately said, rather apologetically, "Yes... Yes we do... Although we haven't quite figured out what's the best position yet."

Tags: Partners, Guitar Hero, Power Stance, Dumb Comments

Over a billion people all around the world watched the World Cup Final in Germany about a week ago. The highlight of the match for many (even though I missed it) was Zidane's now infamous headbutt on Marco Materrazzi, after Materrazzi allegedly provoked Zidane with some racial comments possibly involving his Mother or Sister. Personally I think the Italian deserved it and Zidane deserves a pat on the back.

But Zidane got sent off, Italy won the final and the event has become an internet phenomenon. Below are just a few samples of the many animated gifs flooding the internet that are incredibly funny. I've tried to give credit to whoever made the gifs, but it's hard to find out where they come from.

1. Final Fantasy Zidane
2. Zidane gets tackled - Taken from here, made by EPS
3. Mortal Kombat - Not sure where it's from, see here
4. Hyper Headbutt - Also not sure who made this
5. Vs the Deathstar

I love all the manga style hyper freakout headbutts, and there's a few of them around. It would've been excellent to see Zidane really lose it and totally destroy the Italian, but it was still an epic headbutt and if he'd gone too far he wouldn't be remembered as a great footballer, just a psycho. As it stands I'm sure this'll be forgotten in the long run and his career will shine through.

Zidane, Headbutt, World+Cup+Final, Dirty Cheating Italian Scum

Nowadays there are an incredible array of activities that a Stag can in indulge in before his wedding. Ranging from the classic lapdances, drink and drugs, all the way to bungee-jumping, weapons firing and spy training.

Stag Nights have moved on from the 90s, where getting laid on your 'last night of freedom' was the whole aim of the weekend. Today's husbands-to-be are more reserved and sophisticated, preferring life experiences and something beyond their normal lives. Below are my Top 5 activities for future Grooms:

1. Bobsleigh
2. Tank Driving
3. Getting very stoned in Amsterdam
4. Getting very very drunk anywhere
5. Having the craziest, wildest, dirtiest, kinkiest jungle fuck you can think of with two gorgeous Czech porn stars while two Swedish lesbians put on a show for you, simultaneously rubbing you in baby oil, a stripper dressed as a cheerleader rams a giant dildo up your ass, cheering you on, while a leather clad dominatrix pierces your nipples as a sexy Asian midget licks your balls*

If you have the money and organisational skills to pull that off then you pretty much have the right do whatever you want on your Stag Night. Bear in mind however, that your wife-to-be could be doing something similar, except with burly firefighters, huge African warriors and clowns on stilts juggling dildos.

*I tried to get donkey punching into this somewhere, but it just wouldn't fit!

Tags:Stag Night, Stag Do, Jungle Fuck, Kinky, Dirty

Animals should all have a place in the world, even humans. I don't think we've really worked out our place yet, unfortunately God is already taken, so we'll have to find something else to aspire to. But all animals serve a purpose, there is a balance which is carefully maintained in nature.

Some animals seem to exist outside of this balance. These are the pointless animals, animals which serve no discernible purpose in nature. Below are my Top 5 most pointless animals:

1. Cats - Cats aren't that pointless, I just needed an extra animal.
2. Giant Pandas - What do they do? They're so lazy they don't even have sex.
3. Crane Fly (Daddy Long Legs) - Just try and get in your face during autumn.
4. Wasps - One of the most evil creatures in existence. They are completely pointless and do nothing except sting.
5. Box Jellyfish - THE most evil creature on the planet.

Box Jellyfish are just plain evil. They are responsible for the highest number of deaths of any marine creature in the world. Their tentacles can reach 3m and carry a huge amount of venom which causes an enormous amount of pain and can be fatal. And they don't do anything! They pretty much just float along in a little dreamworld, trailing their tentacles behind them and leaving a trail of death and destruction, very similar to women drivers.

I'm a CSI fan. I watch it every Tuesday at 9pm on Channel 5. It is then followed by CSI: Miami, which I sometimes watch but it's just not as good, it's kind of like a cheap Korean knock off of CSI. I like the New York version as well, but it's not shown as often. I've seen many many episodes and there are a few things which make me cringe, or smile, or scream in frustration while I claw at my eyeballs as if trying to remove by hand the atrocity I've just witnessed.

There isn't a lot to bitch about in CSI, which is why I'm a fan, but I've come up with the 5 things that annoy me about the shows the most:

1. The Software - I wish I had some of the miracle working software the CSIs use, it's amazing! How do any criminals escape this wondrous technology? Especially when you can get an image of a killer from the reflection in the victims eyeball from 20 metres away, using poor quality CCTV footage. Like I said, amazing!
2. The 'Key Evidence' - There's always a bug, or pollen, or dirt, or leaf that comes from something that just so happens to be located right next to the killers house, and it's the only one like it in the entire country.
3. The children - This is mainly from CSI: Miami, but there seems to be an awful lot of storylines involving children. I think this is mainly to do with Horatio's Hero complex.
4. Horatio Caine - I despise everything about this character and the actor who plays him.
5. Horatio Caine - Yes, he is that bad.

Expect a further post later on about how much I hate Horatio Caine. Or maybe I just hate David Caruso, he's not exactly a great actor, and I've never seen him play a different role. Someone needs to give him a serious kicking.

I would normally try and finish with something funny, but I can't help imagining Horatio dying a horrible, painful and prolonged acid bath related death. Well I found it funny anyway.

Tags: CSI, Horatio Caine, CSI: Miami, Rant

Over the weekend I didn't really do much, which isn't really surprising. But as you tend to do if you spend a lot of time doing nothing and taking a fair amount of semi-legal drugs into your system you start to think about things.

Some of the things I thought about are listed below. These aren't the most interesting ones, or the funniest, they're just the ones that I can remember now that it's Tuesday and the moments gone:

1. Since when did 'Instant Decision' involve being sent a letter a month later?
2. Is the kid from the Frosties advert dead? And if he's not, why not?
3. If Sperm is moisturising wouldn't Bukkake Porn Stars have the most incredible skin?
4. When Wayne Rooney said to the papers "I'll split Ronaldo in two", was he really just talking about his homosexual urges?
5. Everyone in the world should be made to watch both series of Spaced, and forced to smoke lots of weed. This should single-handedly eliminate all evil from the planet.

That's pretty much my weekend in a nutshell, interesting wasn't it?