I'm going to Hell

There's a distinct lack of decent TV around for all times of the day, and prime time TV is where the good shits at. But sometimes the decent slots are filled with rubbish. Like reality TV, which I despise and would gladly use one of my three magic wishes to destroy, along with everyone who has ever appeared in one.

But 'Teen Dramas' also twist my nipples. Most of these shows are incredibly popular, and below are listed my top 5 soppiest:

1. Beverley Hills, 90210
2. Party of Five
3. One Tree Hill
4. The OC
5. Dawson's Creek

A major reason I don't like these shows is because of the terrible storylines brought about by teenage angst. Luckily I was never an angsty teenager, mostly because I liked my parents, I went to boarding school and I was getting some. So the fact that these rich kids in nice houses and ideal lives were getting in such trouble just seemed so ridiculous.

I once made the mistake of watching a few of these shows, until I realised that I couldn't actually understand a single thing anyone said, all the actors are in their late 20s and my life was nothing like theirs. A series can really lose it's appeal once you've come to terms with these facts. No matter how many witty pop references, or deconstructions of teenage life in America, or whatever, you put in the show, you have to remember that your aiming at a young audience and they just won't understand what 'I just think our emerging hormones are destined to alter our relationship and I'm trying to limit the fallout' means. I mean come on, who talks like that? Especially at 15.

Labels: emo, stupidity, suckage, teenagers, TV

I've had a mobile phone for about 9 years. At first I had a pay as you go phone, but I never had the money to put more credit on it, and my parents wouldn't pay for it as I didn't call them, and they could still call me.

Eventually I had to pay for my own phone, and in order to get a decent one I had to get a contract, otherwise the phones were too expensive. Over the years my contracts have become gradually more and more expensive as I always want a new phone. My top five reasons not to own a mobile are:

1. I can never be bothered to change any of the default settings.
2. The games are rubbish.
3. I hate the annoying ringtones.
4. It costs a small fortune.
5. People can get hold of you anywhere.

I don't know why a phone maker hasn't decided to make JUST A PHONE. The best phone I ever owned was smaller than a RAZR, and it worked wonderfully. Since then I've had phones that take pictures (badly), let you play crap games (badly), let you record videos (badly) and listen to music (badly). Of course I'm the only person I can blame, after all I already own a camera, a nintendo DS, a video camera and an MP3 player. No one ever forced me to buy a piece of technology which does several jobs badly, even the one you bought it for, kind of like a retarded handy man.

It's the male desire to always have the newest and the best, the latest gadget on the street, to be the coolest and have something to show your mates. Even though you've already shown them all your other gadgets, which specialise in all the jobs your new phone does so terribly, and they don't play a soul shatteringly shite version of some already crap tune like 'My Humps' when someone calls you.

Labels: DS, music, phones, stupidity, suckage

I consider myself a breast man. Some people like asses (I'm partial to a fine ass myself), some people like feet, or legs, or stomachs, but I've always been a boob man, and I think I always will be. Ever since I first discovered Page 3 in the Sun (NSFW) as a kid, I have been fascinated with the upper abdominal area of the females of the species.

I'm obviously not alone in my admiration of the mammaries as there are a huge number of names for these beautiful and elusive organs. Here's my Top 5:

1. The Twins/The Girls
2. Fun Bags
3. Sweater Pets
4. Puppies
5. Chesticles

As far as I'm concerned, puppies are a completely different species of breast, it's like what most boobs want to look like when they grow up. It's the type of boobs which are natural (or the result of a very good jaunt in hospital), where the breast is very round in shape, perky, with the nipples pointing directly forward. Kind of like when a woman squeezes her tits together and leans forward... Sorry, I drifted off there for a second.

While the above is a fine list, it only scratches the surface of the vast array of complimentary and derogatory names that men have dreamed up over the years for a woman's most glorious asset. Here's a few more: Gazongas, tatas, honkers, dirty pillows, mellons, jugs, tits, snugglepups, knockers, hooters, cans, boobs, norks, rack, baps, jubblies, zeppelins, bust and eyes. I wonder how many misled hits this post will get?

Labels: breasts, fun, nice, women

Continuing the musical theme of the last couple of posts here are some excellent cover versions. This is where I get to be the hypocrite, as I believe most of these have been released as singles, if not all of them. However they were all done differently to the original version, as far as I am aware, the only one I'm not sure on is Jeff Buckley, as I've never heard the original version.

All of the songs except for the Marilyn Manson one are slower and, it seems to me at least, a lot sadder. They seem to get a lot more of the emotion of the song. That's probably because their is barely any accompaniment, and the lyrics can be interpreted in that way.

1. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
2. Mad World - Gary Jules
3. Johnny Cash - Hurt
4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
5. Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

While these are great songs, and great versions, they do still get on my nerves sometimes. Well it's not that they get on my nerves, it's that they get overused. If you watch any series on TV, if they're having one of those 'My partner just died, how am I going to tell his wife' cop moments, or a 'My girlfriend has cheated on me with my best friend, and she's the love of my life, how can I forgive her?' whiny teenage moment, or a 'The world has gone crazy!' slow motion montage of horrible atrocities from all over the rash covered, pimply ass of the world, the slow, sad, moving song they choose to play over the top, always seems to be one of the first 3 songs in the list.

Cheer up you sad Fucks. I'm sure there's another song about that can convey the appropriate emotion and angst Ryan is feeling in his idyllic life in the O.C., without having to resort to using Jeff Buckley again.

Labels: music, nice, stupidity, TV

I used to love making Mix Tapes when I was younger. I never had many CDs or tapes of my own, so making a Mix Tape was my only way of getting hold of the music I wanted. After all, the internet wasn't really around in the form it is now, and my access to it was very limited, I had no idea of the magical and illegal things I could do.

So I would make a list of my favourite songs at the time, around 40 would normally be a good number. Then I'd go around school, finding who had the CDs I needed and would lend me them for an afternoon. Once I had collected all the CDs I needed I'd head to my room and get recording, but I always kept these tips in mind:

1. Don't put two songs by the same band next to each other.
2. Sudden changes in pace break the flow.
3. All tapes must have an excellent first song.
4. But the second song must be better.
5. The third song takes it down a bit, then the rest builds to the final song.

First of all it's best if you plot out your track listing, I could always fit about 12-15 songs on one side. This inevitably left quite a few songs from the 40 I'd chosen, which went into the list for my next tape. It's important that you have a flow to the album, that each track leads nicely into the next one, it's useless going from a slow song to a fast song, it just doesn't feel right when you listen to it.

As far as early relationships were concerned, a Mix Tape was as good as moving in with your girlfriend when you were 13. They always made great Valentine's Day presents, after all they take an entire afternoon to sort out. I can't tell you how much credit I got for my tapes. Today though downloading a bunch of songs from ITunes and burning them to a CD can take about 30 minutes, how much credit can you get for that? Now that I've proposed to and moved in with the Wench, I don't get any credit for that sort of thing anymore. To make an emotional impact requires something much more, like matching sweatsuits, and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment yet.

Labels: music, nice, presents, valentines, wench

There's a large number of reasons that I hate cover versions. I should probably be more specific. I hate cover versions that are sung in exactly the same style as the original, and/or are released as singles. Singles should be reserved for original songs, EVEN charity singles.

Lots of pop boy or girl bands start their careers with cover versions, or those gimps who win X Factor or Pop Idol inevitably release their version of Unchained Melody. Most recently the British X Factor winner released a cover version of a Kelly Clarkson song. Not surprisingly, she hasn't been heard from since. Here's my Top 5 most terrible covers:

1. Will Young - Light My Fire
2. Madonna - American Pie
3. Britney Spears - I Love Rock 'n Roll
4. McFly - Don't Stop Me Now
5. Girls Aloud vs Sugababes - Walk This Way

Artists like Madonna should know better. If her originality isn't what it once was, she shouldn't resort to generic dance tunes and bad covers to keep her career alive. She's got enough money, stop punishing me every time I turn a radio on.

For those of you who don't know (Anyone not in the UK) Will Young and Girls Aloud are the result of talent shows in this country. I hate these shows with a passion, because of the contestants, the judges, the format and the crap that always results from them being released into general circulation. We also have Comic Relief, a good cause, but it's no reason to annihilate a classic song that has a lot of significance. Plus it's one of my favourite tunes, my first CD single I bought was Run-DMC Vs Jason Nevins, and I still listen to Run-DMC's greatest hits while driving in the summer.

I suppose I could forgive them, but that all depends on when the Sugababes Vs Girls Aloud Sex Tape get released.

Labels: charity, music, stupidity, suckage

Everyone has actors who they like, and they'll watch a movie with them in, because they're good at what they do. On the other hand there are actors who no one in their right mind would want to watch, and you actively avoid, lest you try and scrape out your own eyes in protest of what your watching.

A few of the actors who put me off of watching films are:

1. Jennifer Lopez - You would, but everything she does is terrible.
2. Julia Roberts - Almost certainly a chick flick, and not a good one.
3. Richard Gere - He's like a Julia Roberts clone, but with a different chromosome.
4. Patrick Swayze - Except for Donnie Darko, his acting is bad and dancing does not a fighter make.
5. David Caruso - AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I've got quite a lot of actors that force me to rethink watching a film, and generally I'll wait for someone I trust to tell me it's a good film, before I put my eyeballs in harms way. Actors like Hugh Grant, Martin Lawrence, Robert Redford and Sean Penn also provoke this kind of self preservation.

In fact the other week I accidentally watched the first episode of a new series of CSI:Miami. It was fine for about 5 secs, then the slow motion kicked in and my ears started to bleed. Shortly after that Horatio assumed his normal 'cool' position and delivered a cheesy line while looking of into the distance, with his shades on. Once I'd recovered enough during the titles and the screaming stopped I grabbed the remote control and tried to change channels, only to find it didn't work. In desperation I lunged at the TV, the final notes of the titles ringing in my still bleeding ears. I just managed to hit the standby button as Horatio's hideous face one again appeared before me. To be safe I left the TV off for 2 hours, you know, in case it was a double episode.

Labels: CSI, films, suckage, TV

Currently AnonymousCoworker has a post up about annoying adverts. Well I know of plenty of annoying adverts, but decided to be positive today, after all, it's Friday, and I get to go home soon! I'm sure this post's evil twin will rear it's malformed head soon enough.

So here's a bunch of adverts which are either clever, funny or just bring a smile to my face:

1. Jon West Tuna - Bear Fight
2. VW Polo - Viral Ad, Small but tough
3. Lynx - Billions of Girls | Perfect Girlfriends | Touch
4. Guinness - The Surfer | Racing Snails | Evolution
5. Honda - Balance | The Choir | Power of Dreams | Hate Diesel

There were two more Guinness ads I really liked, but I couldn't find them; one was the actual snail racing advert, and the other was where a guy is swimming in a race against the perfect pint.

Another one I didn't include in my list, but remembered afterwards is Reebok's Terry Tate: Office Linebacker ad, which is a piece of genius rolled in amusing violence and lovingly delivered to you on a poor office workers broken spine.

I think I could really use the motivation that an office linebacker would provide. I'd be as productive as a whole basement of Indian carpet makers, with the threat of having my head put through my monitor hanging over me. Although to be honest, after the first tackle over the reception desk for being 10 minutes late I'd probably just be a nervous wreck, gibbering at my desk. However if I used my Lynx I could get all the women in the office to act as a human shield to protect me! It's a shame I'm not a spotty 13 year old anymore, because then I may actually believe those adverts.

Labels: adverts, nice, TV

There's supposed to be snow heading our way in the next couple of days, and personally I'm looking forward to it. I'm a winter person, I love snow. I prefer being cold, because that means that I can just put more clothes on, and keep myself warm, whereas in the summer, there's only so many clothes you can take off to keep yourself cool in the heat.

What annoys me about snow, is the stupific reactions of people in this country when there is snow around, beautifully demonstrated here. So here's my Top 5 reasons why I also hate snow:

1. Women always complain about being cold - That's because your wearing a mini-skirt and sandals!
2. The snow we get in this country is pathetic, no chance for a snowman or skiing.
3. The inside of my house gets smokey as we can't open the windows.
4. It's slippery.
5. People drive like they're a Knucklehead McSpazzatron.

If your paying attention you'll probably realise that the only point I was really going for was No. 5, the others are just filler. I do really hate the way people drive in snow. The worst thing is, we hardly ever get snow that settles, so it's not like the roads are treacherous, they're just wet, we have wet roads all the time, what's the big deal. This doesn't mean you can skip work, or step on your break every 5 metres.

It's not like we're living in 3ft of snow, or we have to dig out our cars every day, or we have to drive back from work at 2am in the middle of a blizzard, with 6" of snow on the road, about 2m visibility and a cliff edge to dodge if you lose the road. Which I have done in Canada. After an experience like that you learn to appreciate it when the snow is so light it doesn't even settle on the road. So stop your bitching and learn to drive.

Labels: driving, snow, stupidity, suckage, UK

I had more bad news over the weekend as I found one of my pet rats had died over Friday night. Sneezy wasn't the most originally named pet, and I shouldn't say but she was my favourite. The sneezing was an indication that she had an infection, and she was sneezing when we got her, and despite our efforts, never really got better. She did well to last the six months.

The Wench came and woke me up on Saturday morning, worried that she wasn't moving, so I got up to take a look. We found her curled up in her house, having past away during the night. I was surprised by how upset I was, as I had become very attached to her. Here's my Top 5 things I loved about her:

1. She used to come and say 'Hi' when I got back from work
2. She'd climb up the front of her cage to get a treat, then hang there and eat it
3. She could jump nearly 4 foot from a standing start
4. For a small rodent, she was surprisingly interactive and intelligent
5. When we got them out to play, she was the most adventurous

Sneezy left behind her sister Shy (I bet you can figure out why she was named that). Shy was quite stressed all Saturday and it didn't take us long to decide to get some more friends for her. After all apparently the best toy for a rat, is another rat. But we had a day of mourning and did nothing on Saturday as a mark of respect.

On Sunday we buried Sneezy in my parents garden; our garden is nearly non-existent. Then we went and got two more rats, which we named Misty and Sugar (we've become slightly better at the naming). We weren't going to put them together straight away, but Shy found a way through our defenses and they seemed to be fine together so we left them like that. Shy seemed much happier with the company.

Goodbye Sneezy, you will be missed.

Labels: home, Pets, Rats, suckage, wench

Sooner or later at some point in everyone's life they take the time to become properly intoxicated and then spend the night with their significant other, or a group of close friends, and sit about setting the world to rights. Or in my case, asking stupid questions and thinking how great your answers are.

In the past couple of weeks there have been quite a few Friday and Saturday nights spent in this fashion, and while the large majority of things we talked about are either boring or I've forgotten about them, here's five that I can remember:

1. Would it be better to have a pound note than a pound coin?
2. Are music, films, sport and games justifiable items to list as your interests?
3. Does playing Wii sports really make you fitter?
4. What is the sweatier sport: Basketball or Squash?
5. Is Frankenstein's Monster also the abominable snowman?

A few of these are quite hard to decide on. For example Squash, similar to racquetball in the US, is possibly the most physically demanding sport I've ever played, but the games are short. When I played basketball, especially inside, it's the sweatiest I've ever been, but then the games are much longer. So which is the sweatiest?

As for the monetary issue, I've been to America and used notes, and also live in the UK and used coins. Personally I prefer notes, having a pocket full of change is annoying, and it makes going to Strip Bars expensive as the smallest note over here is £5, and you can't tuck coins into a strippers thong. Perhaps they could wear coin purses, maybe attached to garters or something...

Labels: drinking, friends, home, stupidity, wench

I really like American TV, it has so many improvements over British TV. For starters all of the seasons are about four times longer, with a team of writers and a much bigger budget. A typical British TV series is about 6 episodes, which is ridiculous, which is why I think we make good comedy, because it doesn't have to last too long, so you don't get bored.

Also most of the shows I like to watch are an hour long, so combined with the long running series they can really pull you in. I decided to do this Top 5 about drama series as there's also a lot of US comedy I like, and it'd need a list of it's own. So here's my Top 5 US dramas:

1. ER
2. Desperate Housewives
3. House MD
4. CSI
5. Prison Break

Quite a few people would probably say 'What about Lost? Or Grey's Anatomy?' and then I say 'Because they're not very good'. Put simply, I got bored of them. Grey's Anatomy as it's far too soppy, and ER and House are much better medical dramas. I think Lost is getting lost itself, in it's own meandering plot lines and unanswered questions. I'd rather watch Prison Break, which is far more clever, well planned and things actually get resolved in an episode. Plus Eko is dead.

As for series I've missed, like 24 or Battlestar Galactica, I haven't been able to see them, as the Wench is not interested and we don't have Sky. I need a decent way of watching those shows on my TV, as getting them on my PC is easy, but being bothered to watch them on it is difficult. Also I'm so far behind, we've only seen season one of 24, and only a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica. I'll get round to them eventually, there's just not enough time.

Any other series I should check out? Am I missing out on some great TV? PLEASE do not mention anything 'reality', because I despise this type of show more than any creature I have encountered, even David Caruso.

Labels: CSI, home, prison break, TV, US