I'm going to Hell

Here's the final part of the RPG Cliches Top 5s, this Top 5 deals mainly with the gameplay of the game, and the stuff that you have to do in the game which doesn't really make much sense. Once again, in any RPG you play I would bet that at least one, if not two, of the items listed below will make an appearance during your playing time. And you won't even bat an eyelid, although think how weird these would be in real life!

1. Giant Animals - In every RPG world, there will always be giant animals, be they rats, rabbits, dogs, wolves, tigers, or bees. They should have a word with the local industries.
2. Animals carrying items - And all of these animals will be heavily equipped with armour, weapons, potions and gold, despite having no way to carry or use it. Perhaps they were dragging it along in their teeth to line their nest with before they saw the chance to collect some of yours. The hero's spear would make a nice roof support for their lair.
3. Everyday food cures all ills - No matter how injured or near death the hero is, a small morsel of food can completely restore him. Just pop an apple in his mouth or a chicken leg and all his cuts will heal, bones will mend, limbs regrow and internal traumas miraculously repair themselves.
4. The Barrel Safe - There is obviously no crime in this land, that is until the hero showed up. No one locks their houses, or think it's strange when the hero busts through their door and starts knicking stuff from chests and draws. Luckily they stored all their gold and important belongings inside that wooden barrel in the corner, it'll be safe in there.
5. Evil Dissapears - Once the evil mastermind behind the story is dead, his empire of evil miraculously disappears. All his evil creatures return to their dungeons, his henchman retire and go home to their kids, to live productive lives, probably becoming pillars of the community, unlike the bloodthirsty hero.

Yep they're cliches, without the fancy e, because I don't know how to do it!

Pretty much all RPGs have the same themes and standards running through them, there is a website I saw somewhere with over 200 RPG Cliches, but from this list of 5, you will be able to fit at least one of them into ANY RPG that you play:

1. Humble Beginnings - All heros must come from the countryside, in a quiet village, where nothing ever happens, they have received no training, but will be destined to save the world
2. Burning Village/Slaughtered Family - This idyllic beginning will inevitably end with the burning of the hero's village, the death of his family, or the rape of his dog, leaving him no choice but to journey forth
3. Errand Boy - No matter how great a boy's destiny, he must always start by performing mindless and stupid tasks, like collecting eggs from the wild forest chickens, or beating up drunks from behind the local bar
4. Mass Murderer - By the time the hero reaches his end he will have killed hundreds of creatures, mercenaries, guards and sidekicks, and be followed by a huge path of blood-spattered destruction, and despite his quaint beginnings, be perfectly OK with this, and so will everyone around him.
5. True Forms - Once the Evil Villain of the game has been defeated by our mass murdering country bumpkin, he will always return in his True Form, which is more powerful and terrible than any before it, but will also get killed.

All of these cliches apply to the storyline of an RPG, next time I'll post the Top 5 cliches about the game mechanics, the strange stuff that happens when your fighting weird creatures, and you have no idea why, and no explaination is offered.

You gotta love dumb jokes. And everyone knows the typical jokes like the 'Cross the road' jokes or 'a man walks into a bar' joke, and these are just some more of the classics.

It takes a smart mind to come up with a good lightbulb joke, and more often than not they're just not funny, but these are some that I found which tickled me for some reason or another:

1. 
   Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: None -- we're all gonna die anyway.
   


2. 
   Q. How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   A. Two: one to screw it in and one to suck my dick.
   


3. 
   Q. How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
   A. Well I guess you weren't fuckin' there, were ya?!
   


4. 
   Q. How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   A. LET'S RIDE BIKES!
   


5. 
   Q: How many Internet mailing list subscribers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: 1,331
   1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed
   14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
   7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
   27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
   53 to flame the spell checkers
   156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
   41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
   109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb
   203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
   111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
   306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
   27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
   14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
   3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
   33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
   12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
   19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
   4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
   1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
   47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
   143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
   

The last one is more of a written joke than one you read out. And if your sad enough (like me) to find that funny then there really is no hope for you.

Honourable mention:

Q. How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One.

This is the last installment of things to say to a naked woman, featuring some of the things from this article that I would use, or have used before. I can see why they would work, I can see why they did work, and I would probably use them again. They're more the simple, less daring comments, I'm not one for grand gestures and showering compliments, but I like to think that they are heartfelt when they eventually get said.

Top 5 Things I would actually say to a Naked Woman

1. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."
2. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."
3. "I love your [fill in body part here]."
4. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot."
5. "Damn, I've missed you."

The first is always a good starter, followed by three or four, it's something safe, you don't feel like an idiot saying it, and she feels better about herself getting compliments. Two is dangerously close to being cheesy, and is generally where I draw the line. Luckily for me it worked the one time I've used it. Unfortunately I've used five far too many times.

Top 5 things never to add to those comments

1. "No one's ever done that before and lived."
2. "Can we do that again? I forgot to hit record on my camera."
3. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." While looking at the people currently in bed with her: "lucky bastards."
4. "Let's play hooky today. You won't get in trouble -- I am your principal, after all"
5. Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing

This list was actually stolen from Defective Yeti who had the genius to come up with a response to every one of the 30 things to say. These are the ones I found funny, although some of them had me laughing out loud!

Continuing on from yesterdays Top 5s, here are a few more things that you can say to a naked woman and apprently she would find it 'hot'. According to this article here anyway. Once again I think I would disagree with a number of these lines, mostly because of the cheese involved, which I think can make a woman laugh, or be sick, but she won't find it hot.

Below is a Top 5 that I wouldn't mind trying out on a Naked Woman, either because the reward would be worth it (the first one) and I don't mind getting rejected for that, or because I think it's funny and I'd like to see her reaction.

Top 5 Things I wouldn't lines trying out on a Naked Woman

1. "Want to join me in the shower?"
2. Her name--her full name--followed by a "Wow."
3. "No one's ever done that before."
4. "I love your [fill in body part here]."
5. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.

I feel that most women would probably just laugh at you if you said two, three or five, and depending on what body part, may find four pretty funny as well. I can just see it now "I love your knees, no no no, your ears, do you think that's hot? Duck?"

Top 5 Things I would never say to a Naked Woman

1. "How about a massage?"
2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"
3. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."
4. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."
5. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

Now these are mostly just stupid, although one and three is just because I'm lazy. Seriously though, not a lot of other things say 'I Love You' better than a burrito, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna go make one!

The fifth is prime cheddar, if she isn't sick all over you, she may make a run for it, or she may just be dashing off to find something to beat you with. Be warned.

The fourth one is just weird, I'm sure she wouldn't get it. I have trouble getting that. And who has a bed where it's easy to see people walking around outside? Why would she be naked in full view of the public? If someone was outside my bedroom window I wouldn't be saying 'Suckers' I'd be yelling at him to get the fuck down off his ladder before I come out there and break his kneecaps.

According to this page, there are 30 things that you can say to a naked woman that will be hot. Of course there are more than this, and depending on the woman, you may get a different reaction to whatever you say. Surprisingly, considering how cheesy some of these lines are, it's actually written by a woman.

The brilliant thing about this article, is that it's actually given me enough Top 5s for about 6 days! So I've decided to cut that down a bit and include 2 Top 5s in each day, starting with this Part 1.

Top 5 Things to say to a Naked Woman you don't know:

1. "Good morning."
2. "I can't stop touching you."
3. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."
4. "I'll get the light."
5. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."

If you think about most of those they can be really creepy, why would you even be talking to a naked woman you don't know? This doesn't include being in a strip club by the way.

Top 5 Things I wouldn't recommend saying to a Naked Woman:

1. "Don't ever leave me."
2. "Can we do that again?"
3. "I love how you taste."
4. "I'm ready to go again."
5. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."


Is it just me or would you never say any of these things? The first one is probably a bit too clingy, even for a woman to hear, I mean what if she didn't think it was that great? She could be desperate to leave, and there you are, grasping tightly around her, never letting her go. Her life could be flashing before her eyes!

The second and fourth ones are rather similar, but both have the same problem. What if your not the magnificent stud that you think you are? The idea of going near you again could repulse her, and it's not like your asking for more sex, your demanding it! Your just asking for a good kick to the ego, better to let her tell you she's ready and see if you can keep up!

Now I've got in trouble for the third one before, it may work on some girls, but it's not always what they want to hear, I'd recommend caution on that one.

Surely I don't even have to comment on the last point. What if she never does squeeze your hand? Would you be able to some back from that? Would your brain be able to maintain any semblance of concentration once the nagging self doubt has taken over your eternal soul? Nah, didn't think so.

Recently there has been a revival in Pirates and Pirate-related areas, mostly thanks to the enourmous success of Pirates of the Caribbean, and the revolutionary work by those associated with 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'.

My own interest in Pirates began way back in the mists of time when I was introduced to pirates probably courtesy of Peter Pan, with Captain Hook, this was of course later followed with the excellent Hook. But between these films came a whole plethora (can't believe I managed to fit that word in) of stuff featuring pirates, such as the brilliant Monkey Island games, and also Sid Meier's Pirates. There were also lots more films, including the legendary Goonies, Muppet Treasure Island and the unfortunate, but cheesily excellent Cutthroat Island.

All of these films and games featured some excellent Pirate Speech, but here is my Top 5 items of Piratetalk:

1. Landlubber - 'lubber' was an old English word for a big, slow, clumsy person, and this term was aimed at those persons on ship who were not very skilled or at ease with ship life, as if to say, "You were no better on the land."
2. Grog - Is a secret mixure of which contains the following, Kerosene, Glycol acid, Artificial sweeteners, Sulfuric acid, Rum, Acetone, Red dye #2, Scumm, Axle grease, Battery acid and/or pepperoni.
3. Avast Ye! - from the Dutch term for 'hold fast' and means "Stop and pay attention", like, "Get a load of this."
4. Shiver me timbers! - akin to "Blow me down!", an expression of shock or disbelief, believed to come from the sound the ship made when 'shocked' by running aground or hit by a cannon blast.
5. ARRRGGGHHH!!!! - Traditional Pirate speak, can be suitable on any occasion and substituted for any sentence. Much like the mafia 'Forgedaboutit!'

I've got a particular love for Pirates, while certainly not the most attractive of creatures, well, the blokes at least, they certainly are very cool. I look forward to a continued revival and better outfits for fancy dress, rather than the crap some people wear. At least put some effort in. I should try and find some pictures from when Viv dressed up as a pirate, that was sweet!

After watching many, many, many films and TV shows from america I have discovered the following truths about ALL american cars:

1. All driver side windows are always open
2. No one ever locks their cars
3. Everyone keeps their spare keys in their sun visor
4. Car doors are bulletproof
5. Car windows can be broken with your fist

Now this amazes me. Is there no crime in America? Is it truely that safe that all cars are miraculously untouched wherever they are left? Surely if the windows are always open and the doors are unlocked the least you'd expect was a stolen stereo. But as everyone leaves their keys in the car anyway, I wouldn't expect my car to be there when I came back.

Or maybe it's just a huge nationwide car sharing service, so when you leave your car, someone can 'borrow' it, and you just take the next car you see. Wouldn't that be cool? Until you got a decent car of course, then you'd just lock it.

The world is full of really stupid inventions, full enough that we don't need anymore, but still they keep on coming. I came up with a couple of my own useless inventions, products which could in fact have no possible use:

1. Waterproof Teabags
2. Fireproof Matches
3. Unbreakable Piggy Bank
4. Safety Scissors
5. Disposable Time Machine

Maybe I should've put a warning on that first picture... nah.

For those of you who haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite, first of all SHAME ON YOU! Second of all, go and see it, it's excellent. Third of all, that last image for the Time Machine, will mean absolutely nothing to you, but if it did, you'd find it funny. Trust me.

You always here people talk about their favourite 80s cartoons, such as I did yesterday, talking about Transformers. Normally when people do this they talk about the classics, Thundercats, He-Man and MASK. But what about the less popular series? I used to watch quite a lot of TV and remember the cartoons that didn't seem to go past one series, or I saw very briefly, then never really saw much else except a few toys. Here's a few that I remember quite well:

1. Defenders of the Earth
2. Bravestar
3. Centurions
4. Visionaries
5. Dino Riders

These were some of the coolest cartoons ever made! There was just too many of them around at the time. I think quite a few people know about Defenders of the Earth, it was quite popular at the time, but not well remembered. Also Bravestar, I never really saw a proper episode myself, but remember being told about it, and I got given a collector's album once for Christmas, which was weird. I watched Centurions, and wanted the toys, but never got any, they were pretty cool.

Visionaries was one of my favourite cartoons. I got bought a video of it when I was little, and I'd watch it over and over again, and now no one else has a clue what I'm on about when I mention them. And I never have any proof on me to prove that it actually existed outside my head...

Dino Riders was awesome. I had so many Dino Riders toys, mostly the good guys toys, like the Diplodocus. But seriously, how good an idea is that? Aliens, fighting humans, all riding dinosaurs with armour and weapons strapped to them. Genius! It's like a child's wet dream! I could never persuade my parents to get me the T-Rex though, it was huge and well expensive. I saw one in a car boot sale recently, I was so tempted to get it, but Viv would not have approved, I'd already told her she couldn't get a Barbie.

Like most children of the 80s and early 90s I watched TV, and on TV they had some fantastic cartoons. These involved such greats as Thundercats, Jason and the Wheeled Warriors and of course The Transformers. And of course my favourite was Transformers, after all they were two toys in one, and the cartoon was cool, but none of this new Transformers: Energon, or Armada nonsense, the proper old school Transformers. So listed below are my Top 5 Transformers:

1. Optimus Prime
2. Soundwave
3. Devastator
4. Grimlock
5. Starscream

Optimus Prime is a classic, I think everyone I know at some point has owned an Optimus Prime toy, it was practically a crime not to have one, you'd have been stoned to death with tiny plastic laser rifles.

Soundwave was the ultimate suck up, but he was still cool. Very calculated and always making Starscream look like a dick. He had some cool toys as well, with little casettes that transformed as well, into Laserbeak and those little dudes and the panther. If he was around now he'd stick out quite a bit though, who really uses casettes anymore? And CDs wouldn't transform into little sidekicks quite as well...

Devastator was awesome. Big, dumb, devastating, and whats better than six giant robots? Six giant robots that tranform into one even enourmous robots! I never managed to collect all six constructicons though, me and a mate had to buy half each and then take turns using Devastator.

Grimlock was awesome. But the whole Dinbot thing didn't really work, they were supposed to be 'robots in disguise', how the hell was dressing up as a Dinosaur being in disguise? Because theres so many of them roaming the streets of Earth.

Starscream was incredibly annoying. With a squeaky, girly voice and his constant scheming he was low even for a bad guy, which is why we loved to hate him. He made every episode interesting, his constant plotting to backstab Megatron and take over the Deceptacons always failed. And I cheered so much when Galvatron finally killed him in the movie.

Where I live there is quite a cool bar in town, it's normally quite busy but we try and get there quite often. It used to be a clothes shop, but has since turned into a bar and Internet Cafe (quite a weird combination). The clothes shop has also moved down the road a little bit. It's called the Evil Eye and has one of the best selections of drinks and hand made cocktails I know of. The only problem is that all the drinks are hand made, meaning that when it's very busy and theres a bunch of people all ordering a drink that takes 5 minutes to make, you may be waiting some time. Generally I buy about 2 drinks at once to save on time travelling to and from the bar.

Anyway, back to the extensive menu. It's always fun to mix your drinks when you go out and nothing does that better than mixing cocktails with a shot to chase it down with. It may be expensive, but you sure get drunk! Below is a list of (what I think) the top 5 shots served there are:

1. Vodka Espresso - Vodka, Kahlua, shaken with an iced shot of Espresso
2. Brain Haemorrhage - Peach Schnapps, Baileys, Grenadine
3. Liquid Cocaine - -19C Jagermeister & Limoncello
4. Flatliner - Tequila, Sambuca & Tabasco
5. The Hellshot - The worlds strongest Hapsburg Absinthe 89.9% & Balkan Vodka 88%

The first shot is quite nasty, I don't really like coffee, and don't drink a lot of caffeine, but I'm sure this would send you into some sort of fit and give you permanent ADD.

The second shot isn't supposed to give you a Brain Haemorrhage, it looks like a Brain Haemorrhage, and tastes like I imagine a Brain Haemorrhage may taste. The curded Baileys really isn't a good texture to swallow. One best left to the end of the night!

Liquid Cocaine is probably one of the bitterist shots you'll ever do. As it's so cold and Limoncello is really really lemony, it'll send a real good shiver through you when you have it.

The Flat Liner is nasty, the tabasco sits between the two clear spirits, creating the 'Flatline' effect. It's incredibly hot, although the Tabasco does kind of overpower everything else, which is probably a good thing. I was once dared to drink one and not drink anything else for 5 minutes, in order to get a free cocktail. I barely managed it, I had to down my free drink afterwards to cool off.

If you click on the link above you can have a look at the scanned version of the bars menu. All of the shots are real, even the Hellshot, although that has now officially been banned in York, by local authorities. The reason for this is that a guy was being bought them for his birthday and after quite a few (I have no idea how many) he collapsed and was taken to hospital. If he didn't die he had some quite severe and permanet aftereffects.

You know those times when your singing along to a song, like when it first comes on the radio, or you see it on TV, or your really drunk in a club or whatever, and you start to sing along, but there are no words yet? Like you just start impersonating the instruments. I don't know why we do it, but there are certain songs, which EVERYONE has to impersonate, even if you look a little scary and sound like a retard.

Below I've attempted to write down the way that I would sing five songs in particular. It's a pretty poor attempt, and I'm tone deaf, which may or may not help, but see how many you can guess. Click on the answers links for a BIG hint for each one. They're all well known, 3 of them are films, ones a TV show, and ones a random piece of music in a film, but you should be able to guess it, if you can't then... Do you live under a rock or something?

1. Nurna-Nurna-Nurr... Waaah Waaah Waaah... Nurna-Nurna-Nurr... Waaah Waaah Waaaaaaaa... [ANSWER]
2. Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Dun-Durrr, Dun-Durrr, Dun-Durrr... [ANSWER]
3. Dun... Dun Dun Dun... Dun Dun Dun... Dun Dun Durrrrrr... [ANSWER]
4. Dern Da-Da-Dern, Dum Dum Dern, Dern Da-Da-Dern, Derna-na-na Nern [ANSWER]
5. Dern Dern Dern Dum Da-Dern, Dum Da-Dern, Dirn Dirn Dirn Dum Da-Dern, Dum Da-Dern [ANSWER]

So let me know how many you got so I can either apologise profusely for my terrible effort, or laugh at your pitiful soundtrack knowledge. Either way I don't think that really makes me look all that great...

The world is full of dumb spin-off series. From the numerous Big Brothers on TV to the various bizarrely named 'sequel' games on PCs and consoles. Anywhere a buck can be made and a story (or not) added then the producers and studios are there. Here a few series which should NEVER be attempted, although the safe money is on at least one of them being made!

1. CSI: Anywhere Else
2. Pimp my Ride Alaska
3. The Adventures of Ross
4. Star Wars: Episode 0 - A Long, Long, Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far, Far Away
5. Grand Theft Auto: Mushroom Kingdom

What a tragic rape of childhood that would be. If Nintendo suddenly decided to go ahead and follow the other huge console makers, aiming at an older audience, making Luigi a mob boss, ruling the underworld with an iron fist and stabbing his brother in the back. Princess Daisy could be a madam, owning the largest 'massage parlor' in the kingdom, and battling drug addiction and abuse. Bowser would be a drug dealer, luigi's main competitor, importing drugs from Snowland (it's not really snow) and also having an internal battle with Donkey Kong, the up and coming drug lord. Meanwhile Toad can be the hippy influence, spreading free love and drugs. And of course Mario is the hero, betrayed by his brother and left at the mercy of a rabid chain chomp, he must battle his way across the kingdom and destroy all in his path, while also dodging the crooked cops Wario an Waluigi, as they continue their vendetta against him.

In fact that sounds kind of cool...

This idea was actually supposed to be posted tomorrow, as that's the day way back when the February Revolution started in Russia apparently. So I thought hey, instead of doing this tomorrow, as I have nothing to post about today, why not do it now? So here it is:

1. American Revolution
2. French Revolution
3. Russian Revolution
4. Nintendo Revolution
5. Matrix Revolutions

Thinking about it I could also have included something about Cuba, god knows theres enough t-shirt pictures around for me to link to, or even Dance Dance Revolution, after all what's cooler than watching a crippled guy dance?

I used to get addicted to video games, I could play for hours and hours, wasting entire days, sometimes going for 24hrs, forgetting to eat, drink, sleep, do my washing and clean my room. A few years ago my urge supsided, mostly because games just don't play as well as they used to, but I have a few other minor addictions.

I'm not an addictive person by nature, I get bored pretty easily, and tend to move my attention on to something else eventually. As far as my addictions go, I smoke a little bit, mainly because Viv does, which means I smoke a bit in the morning, and whenever I'm drinking. But I can quit anytime I want.

I drink a bit, but not because I have to. I have other 'urges', but they're not really addictions, I don't have to buy that Nintendo DS game, I don't have to see that film, I don't have to shove my head between those breasts and make blubbing noises. Here are a few of the major addictions in the world:

1. Smoking
2. Drinking
3. Gambling
4. Sex
5. Star Wars

By no means is this a complete list. I'd consider drug taking one of the bigger addictions, but it's not quite as funny as the others. Also don't underestimate computer addiction, it's a proven killer.

And I may poke fun at Michael Douglas, but I'm not really attractive or rich enough to be a sex addict, I'm sure it's a terrible problem that takes some effort to own up to. And I'm sure his wife takes pity on him.

I think this may have been stirred up by the Brokeback Mountain thing again, it's getting near the oscars and so theres a lot of talk about the winners. Anyway, I was giving a bit of thought to people's sexualities, I mean people claim to be whatever, but that doesn't always mean they are what they say they are. Also there seems to be an ever increasing number of categories, heres my Top 5:

1. Heterosexual
2. Homosexual
3. Bisexual
4. Metrosexual
5. Buysexual

Of course all of this is rubbish. Theres only three types of sexuality, you have sex with the opposite sex, you have sex with the same sex or you have sex with both, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. I don't care if you think society is labelling you, your either Gay, straight, or Bi, theres nothing in between. So to all those metrosexuals, ubersexuals, pomosexuals and anyone else who watches Will & Grace, there are only 3 things you can be, so stop trying to be different, we're kind of limited by the genders in our species.

I find it quite hard to remember things back from when I really young. Maybe it was all a bit too traumatic for my mind to deal with these days. I know people who remember being babies, now that's just weird. My girlfriend, Viv, can remember her first house when she was 2, and loads of other stuff. I think my earliest memory is from being around 5 I think, but other than one or two, they're mostly from around 7 onwards. Heres a few:

1. My first BMX
2. Billy
3. Listening to Story Tapes in the car, on the drive to the campsite
4. Choking my sister
5. The Duck's Feet

Unfortunately my first BMX was no where near that cool. I think it was red, but the thing I remember most was the big plastic sign between the handlebars, with a huge number 7 on it. That was cool.

Billy was the name we gave our resident massive spider wherever we lived. My Dad wouldn't let us kill them, so they lived in the hall, as long as it stayed in a corner, we were all fine with it, except sticking your head out of your room in the morning to see if he'd drop on your head on the way to the toilet. And there was always a panic whenever one disappeared.

It's not very often you see Nerd or Geek marketed porn, I know, I've looked. There are a few sites out there that are centered around providing adult entertainment for the geek in us, whether it's girls dressed up as comic book characters or as Princess Leia, for any nerd this is going to be a real turn on. Not that I'd know about this mind you.

So for those of you finding it hard to get some good nerd-loving, heres a selection of titles you may wish to get hold off. I'm pretty sure all of them are actual porn films:

1. Buffy the Vampire Layer
2. Lord of my Ring
3. In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon
4. Monty's Python and the Holey Girl
5. Star Whores

The last entry seems to be series from what that website tells me, with various episodes, including 'The Filth Element', 'Total Re:Call Girl' and the classic 'Hitch Dykers Guide'. Personally I can't wait to get hold of that!