I'm going to Hell

Hot Sauce, friend to terrible chiefs all over the world. If you can't cook, just add some Hot Sauce and no one will be able to taste your food anyway. Or smell it. Or touch it. Or even see it.

There are some really great names for all the Hot Sauces of the world, and call me stereotypical if you must, but I believe most of them stem from the USA. Personally I've found that I can eat hot food, my Dad was taught the secrets of spicy food by a couple of Gurkkhas. If he's cooking he normally leaves it cooking for a few days, or until you burst into a sweat, your eyes start running and your nose dribbles down your face, just because you walked in the kitchen. I've never really found a use for Hot Sauce, normal chilies and spices work fine for me, and besides, I like to taste my food. Here are my Top 5 names for Hot Sauce:

1. Edible Napalm
2. Volcano Eggs
3. Satan's Urine
4. Party in your Rectum
5. I Can't Believe It's Not Acid!

As far as I know all of these names are fictional. One that is not fictional is Insanity Sauce. Viv and I purchased some of this delightful stuff for her step-dad after I tried it at a mates house, because apparently he likes Hot Sauce, and maybe Viv has a grudge against him or something. When I tried it I lightly ran my little finger around the rim of the tiny bottle, getting a tiny drops worth, which I then licked off.

I've only dreamed of pain like it. The tiny drop spread to my entire mouth, my eyes and nose ran, I broke into a huge sweat, my ears started to itch, my lips burned incredibly, then went numb. And I stayed in that condition for about 20 minutes, no matter how much bread, milk or yoghurt I ate. Honestly, they should give it to criminals during interrogations, at least they could do until someone brings up the pesky Geneva Convention.

Yes, this is a 'I'm tired, but must post' post. Although I have to say the stuff in the post is pretty damn impressive, funny or both.

I love gadgets, I feel like a gadget person, even though I don't have a lot of gadgets about my apartment. I think if I had more money, and room, my home would be full of gadgets. Admittedly a lot of them would probably only be used once or twice a decade, but they would entertain me in their own way. Not all of the stuuf in this post is gadgets by the way, just in case you're wondering. Anyway, here's my Top 5 cool things this afternoon:

1. Fart Filter
2. Weenie Roaster
3. Futuristic Carpark
4. A Stone Golem
5. Doggie Bag (Click Rouge Sauvage)

I am pretty sure Viv would do some pretty graphic and unpleasant things to get hold of one of those Fart Filters, she maintains that everytime I fart she has to call in the CDC or declare the area immediately behind me a fallout zone.

The Futuristic Carpark is beyond cool! Check it out. Trust the germans to come up with something so clean and efficient.

I'm not into costumes or anything, or LARPing in anyway, but I have to give the guys that made the Stone Golem costume a great deal of respect, it's pretty impressive considering it's homemade.

I want one of those Doggie Bags! They are so cool! I'd have to get a dog to use it, but I could take it everywhere with me. It'd end up getting really fat though, as I'd just carry it everywhere.

After the depression fueled rant that was yesterday's post I've decided that every coin has two sides, or more possibly. In the interests of fairness I thought I'd present the best five things about growing up. These are the reasons kids want to grow up, and are in such a hurry to do so. The reason people are happy as adults, and not always moping around like me.

I present the Top 5 things that rock about Growing Up:

1. No one can tell you to stop doing stuff - like watching TV, eating, playing on a PC, or having your music too loud
2. You can buy whatever you want - It's your money, do what you want with it!
3. You can drive - And that's just cool
4. You can drink - Alcohol preferrably, although not in conjunction with No. 3
5. You can have sex! - And this just makes up for everything else

Theres lots of things to look forward to as an adult, most of them are fun, or at the least enjoyable. Sure there's a downside, but think of everything you wanted to do as a kid, but couldn't. Now you can! Just remember not to get too caught up in all the crap and do the stuff that makes being a Grown Up fun! And doesn't No. 5 just say it all?

Tags: Growing Up, Adulthood, Money, Loud Music, Sex

Growing up is something that takes you by surprise. I woke up one day in my own apartment with my fiancee and realised that I was now an adult. I had a car, a washing machine, a sofa, a computer. All I was missing was a child and a pet, and they're just easily correctable details. I'm an adult now.

As an adult I've found that theres a lot of things that have changed since I was a kid. I've thought of myself as 16 for 8 years now, and I don't want to start thinking different, but it's slowly dawning on me that I have to change how I think. Here's my Top 5 reasons why:

1. Bills - You spend a monstrous amount on Bills. And they need paying every month! That's so much money I hardly get to see before it's gone.
2. Responsibility - You have to do so much, like clean your own mess up. People also rely on you for certain things, like your partners or family.
3. Money - Is a lot more important because you have to buy yourself stuff now. It's also a pretty big requirement if you want to live in any sort of comfort.
4. Working - See 3 & 1. If you want money to pay your bills and buy yourself stuff, chances are you have to work. Work sucks.
5. Time - You have so little time when your older. As your working all through the week, commuting, sleeping, eating or excercising for the rest of it.

The thing I miss most out of being young is time. I always had time, but as I've grown up I've had gradually less and less time to do the things I really want, like nothing. I enjoy doing nothing and spent a lot of time doing just that. Now I need to be 'productive'. I could be cleaning or getting fit, or preparing a nice meal, or spending 'quality time' with my girlfriend. Playing on my PlayStation is NOT being productive. Reading is NOT productive. Drinking alcohol is also NOT productive, but as an adult, this is now a god-given right and I will take advantage of it!

Tags: Relationships, Adulthood, Growing up, Responsibility, Money

Once again I've found an amusing email, with probably made up facts in it, but it is oh so amusing.

I hope most of these facts are made up at least, I could see a few of them being real, after all, everyone has freaky moments where really bizarre stuff happens, and you end up with an inevitable stupid injury. Or as I like to call them 'Beer Injuries'. Those bumps, bruises and aches you have when you wake up after a good night out and you have no idea where they came from. Then it all comes flooding back and you remember that the kebab man had not taken kindly to you running out of the shop without paying. Of course this is just a for-instance, I've never actually done that.

No wonder those 'No win, No fee, let's sue everyone' companies are doing so well. Here's my Top 5 stats about stupid injuries in the UK:

1. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars
2. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents
3. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate
4. 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue
5. In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet

And an additional bonus fun fact: A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

That's just stupid. I've only ever tried that once, and it took a chunk out of my lip, and it still didn't open. I didn't go to A&E though, what a bunch of pussies. I probably should've gone to A&E after breaking a beer bottle on a tree after I'd drunk it. The profuse bleeding from my palm and fingers should've given me a hint about that. Sorry, I was drunk, I wasn't thinking straight!

Humour, Injury, Drinking, Hospital, Beer Injury

Nobody likes sweating. I hate sweating, which is unfortunate, because it happens quite a lot. Then you get nervous that everyone can see it through your shirt, so you sweat more... It's got a lot better recently, mainly because it was winter, so lots of clothes were required and I was safe, but even more recently I've been doing excercise, meaning that as I'm now fitter, I don't sweat as much.

But during my sweaty past, mainly in order to point out the fact it's hot and I'm sweating before anyone else does, I used to declare my sweatiness using an amusing similie, thus relieving any tension in the room that may arise from me talking about my less than tasteful bodily functions. Here's my Top 5 categories, with a few examples of each:

1. Classic: '...like a fat girl in a turtle-neck' or '...like a prostitute in church'
2. Rape: '...like a cornered virgin' or '...like a rapist'
3. Paedophilia: '...like a paedophile in a playground' or '...like R. Kelly at the kid's choice awards!' or '...like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting' or '...like Gary Glitter's lawyer!'
4. Racist: '...like a nigger trying to read' or '...like a muslim wearing a backpack on a London subway'
5. Imaginative: '...like a blind lesbian in a fishmongers' or '...like the pope in a porn studio' or '...like a dyslexic on countdown' or '...like a gerbil in a gay bar'

More often than not you'd get a laugh, or a strange look. Either way you've cleared the air (figuratively speaking, of course) and you no longer have to worry about being spotted, meaning you automatically cool down and stop sweating so much. If your lucky other people will agree with you about the heat, and reveal to you their sweat levels as well, creating a happy and relaxed atmosphere for all involved.

Of course if your in a sauna or something then it's a given that your sweating and no funny comments are required. Bear this in mind, or you'll just look stupid.

Tags: Humour, Sweating, Similies

Thanks to Sizematcher.com
, I can finally do what I've always wanted, find out what celebrities are the same size as me, and who I'm taller than! This isn't especially interesting, and to be honest, who really knows how tall any stars are? They don't just give that information out you know, it's like a woman's weight, you just don't ask, and they just don't say.

But far be it for me to doubt the accuracy of this completely annonymous site's sources, it merely exist to tell me that I could possibly be taller than these five fellows:

1. Jamie Foxx
2. DMX
3. Lenny Kravitz
4. Colin Farrell
5. Charlie Sheen

On a side note, I could also have been a supermodel, as I'm as tall as Angie Everheart and Cindy Crawford!

Now these may not be the most attractive men in the world, but they certainly can score with the ladies. But while they may be able to sleep with pretty much whoever they want, I can sleep easier at night knowing that I'm just a little bit taller than they are. I consider it a moral victory.

Tags: Humour, Height, Sizematcher

Living in the UK is a good laugh most of the time. There's a few idiots that ruin the fun for everyone, but I'm sure that's the same in every country. There are a few things which are just wrong though. I'm not going to complain about the normal things you hear, or even the NHS, a free health service is a very good thing, and every country should have one, but there are a few things that are just wrong.

In fact, I'm sure theres more countries than just the UK that these apply to, but whatever. Here's my Top 5:

1. A pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
2. Banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters
3. We leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage
4. Supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front
5. It's easier to find a Secret Nuclear Bunker than it is to get around a City Centre

Ok, so it's a pretty poor Top 5, admittedly I stole most of them from an email, and I think the first time I got it, it was aimed at the US. But seriously the last one is so true! I've actually seen signs to secret bunkers and military installations. If the German's had ever made it across the channel, we'd have been screwed! However I think the confusing one-way systems in most city centres would have enabled us to ambush a lot of the Nazi Invaders before they got into the countryside.

Tags: Humour, Crap, UK, Nazis

Every now and then I just want to kill someone. And as I'll probably go to jail for it, it might as well be someone semi-famous, so then at least they won't annoy me anymore and I'll become well known for doing it.

Most 'Celebrities' don't piss me off, the ones who think that they are celebrities are the ones that piss me off. The ones that say 'Do you know who I am?' when they get into a spot of bother and everyone just looks at them blankly. The ones who have done NOTHING to deserve their newfound status. The ones who tell their life stories to magazines like Now, More and New Woman, then get upset when they're followed round by packs of paparazzi like hunted deer.

This level of celebrity deserve nothing. Not even my pity, but I would grant them a merciful and quick death. Here's my Top 5:

1. Pete Burns
2. June Sarpong
3. Trinny & Susannah
4. Colin & Justin
5. Jade Goody

Pete Burns is the Spawn of Satan, and I hate everything about him. He's annoying, shallow, stuck up, spoilt, fucked in the head, and many other things as well. He used to sing in a band called 'Dead or Alive' and had a hit with 'You Spin Me Round', then he had lots of tattoos and plastic surgery. Anyone else would say he had a self-image problem. He came to my attention after Celebrity Big Brother in the UK.

June Sarpong presents T4 on Channel 4 in the UK. She's skinny, ugly and annoying with delusions of grandeur. Listening to her voice is like trying to chew tinfoil, listening to an orcehstra of forks being scrapped across plates and having my eyes lanced.

Trinny & Susannah and Colin & Justin are all from improvement shows in the UK. T&S do clothes with 'What not to wear' and C&J do houses, with 'How not to decorate'. Not only are they incredibly annoying, they're patronizing, pretentious and horrible. It doesnt matter if the people on the show need help. These couples deserve to die!

Jade Goody, a Big Brother left over. She is dumb. She is a Chav. She does nothing. YET PEOPLE STILL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HER!!! WHY?!?!?! WHHHHHHHHHHY?!?!?!? SHE IS POINTLESS!!! IF SHE DIED IT WOULD BE TOO SOON!!!

Tags: Humour, Celebrity, Killing, Misplaced Rage

I love being politically incorrect, it annoys so many people, but it's also just funny. Political correctness has, in most cases, gone mad. There's no need to rename a 'blackboard' to be a 'chalkboard', or a 'Shelf Stacker' to be a 'Stock Maintenance Engineer', or a 'Brainstorm' to a 'Thought shower'. People like to know what stuff is, not be bombarded with meaningless, pointless and 'non-offensive' alternatives.

However there are some cases where political correctness has been completely ignored, or subtley undermined. Here are my Top 5 examples of this from the world of video games:

1. Grand Theft Auto
2. Shadow the Hedgehog
3. Thrill Kill
4. Bully
5. Super Columbine Massacre RPG

Grand Theft Auto is a classic, promoting crime, violence and the importance of beating up bitches to get the money you paid them to sleep with you. I don't think there's one example of anything in those games being politically correct. And we love them for it.

Thrill Kill is the most politically incorrect game that never was. It wasn't banned, the games company simply refused to publish it, it was that bad. Featuring a Dominatrix-like French Maid, a Midget on stilts, a Mental case in a straight jacket, a red-neck cannibal and many other fun and friendly characters, it's an un-PC game for all the family.

Bully hasn't been released yet, but as it stars you as a Bully, beating up fellow pupils and teachers, as well as many other wholesome activities, I'm taking a guess this isn't going to go down too well amongst the parents of middle america.

Finally we have Super Columbine Massacre RPG. Um... Need I say more?

Tags: Humour, Political Correctness, Games, Bully, Thrill Kill

This guy is hilarious. He's also written some great songs. I would've linked directly to each MP3, but I think that's just a bit rude, so I've linked to the pages the songs are on, you can listen to them directly, no downloading required, just click the link. His songs are for sale, for $1 each, which isn't bad, as they're good songs. He also has all his songs available for preview and sale on his songs page.

1. Stroller Town
2. Christmas Song from an asteroid
3. We want to eat your brains
4. Curl
5. Code Monkey

My favourite is Code Monkey, as it could've been written about me and a lot of people I know. There's also also a song on his songs page called Skullcrusher Mountain, which is a slice of genius, truely a love song for the modern age. Give it a listen, it's worth it! The cover version of Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot (Not a real knight) is also very cool.

Tags: Humour, Music, Jonathon Coulton

I love animals. I'm a bit more of a Dog person though, Cats just don't love you enough to make it worth borrowing one. I say borrow because if you treat a cat how they're supposed to be treated you never really own one. They decide to come and see you when they want, eat when they feel like it, take off again if you crowd them too much, kind of like women...

But Dogs are loyal, they hang around, eat stuff until their sick, chew furniture, do what you say (once you have them properly trained) and piss in your shoes, kind of like men... Well apart from the pissing in your shoes part, in most cases at least.

But Cats are so much more amusing. I think this mostly stems from them acting so high and mighty all the time. You assume cats know everything, their balance is perfect and they're so elegant, which makes it sooooo much more amusing when they fuck up. Dogs are dumb, they make fools of themselves all the time, so it not as amusing. Here's my Top 5 things to do with Cats:

1. Put stuff on them
2. Put them in a sink
3. Make them fight for your amusement
4. Film them doing stupid stuff
5. Have a conversation

I love the looks of 'I'm going to kill you in your sleep' from all the pictures of cats! I really feel sorry for the owners, pretty soon they'll wake up with their cat with it's paw on their throat, glaring into their eyes, then they'll hear a little voice in their head 'I told you I'd get you back'...

Tags: Humour, Cats

According to this article Mum's, sorry, Mom's should earn around $134,121. My question is, if a mother can earn that much in a year, why the hell isn't she working and the husband staying at home?

Apparently a mother has many jobs in the home, well over 10, as the projected pay only takes into account the "10 jobs respondents said most closely comprise a mother's role". So apparently there are more, or the job titles overlap somewhat. Taken from that list, here would be my Top 5 jobs that a mother should do, instead of staying at home:

1. Computer Operator - Hardly a mother's role at home, that's like saying 'Game Tester' for a stay at home Dad.
2. Housekeeper/Cook/Janitor/Facilities Manager/Laundry Machine Operator - Aren't these all the same thing? Frankly if I was paying for a housekeeper, I'd be pissed off if she wasn't doing my laundry as well, or not actually cleaning my house. Alternatively, this job could be called 'Servant'.
3. Psychologist - Because all kids over a certain age don't hate their parents.
4. Chief Executive - If the woman is in the kitchen, isn't it the man's job to make all the decisions?
5. Super Hero - There must be a few spare moments in the evenings when the kids are asleep

Personally if I was a stay at home parent I'd be feeling rather patronized by this article. Do parents really drive their kids around enough to qualify as a full-time Van Driver? How exactly is using the computer vital to raising a child? How much laundry does a family have, is it a full-time job? What about running a family is just like being the head of company? It must just be that the Mum requires a CEO to govern all of her split personalities and decide which job she's doing at that present time.

Mum's are great, I love my Mum. But let's not blow too much smoke up their ass. Stay at home parents have a bastard of a job, and work hard at it, but you can't compare that to all those jobs, there are only 24 hours in a day. I have a mate who stays at home with his kid, and I know for a fact, at least 3 hours of his day is taken up by his XBox 360, or by going on some Forums or eBay, that must be his 'Computer Operator' role.

Tags: Humour, Super Mom, Jobs, Stay at Home Mom

I have to admit that Keanu Reeves' slightly monotone and pretty limited acting skills havent really stopped him playing a nice range of characters and doing quite well. True most of his films have been incredibly poor, but some of his films are also brilliant, either for the story or the characters, one of which he plays. One thing that is true though, is that the vast majority of his films, with the exception of only one or two are incredibly cheesey. Here's my Top 5:

1. Speed
2. Point Break
3. Constantine
4. The Replacements
5. Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

Yes I know I didn't include The Matrix. I loved Speed as a kid, and Point Break kind of just continued the same kind of 'loose-canon' stereotype cop he was good at playing. It also got him noticed as an 'action star' showing he can carry a film, even if Patrick Swayze and the Red Hot chilli Peppers did help rather a lot in Point Break. Constantine shows how good Keanu is at playing assholes, a suprisingly hard skill to master, but he's had a bit of bad guy experience, so it probably helped.

I choose The Replacements, mostly because the film is amazing. It's hilarious, I love it, Keanu Reeves just happens to be in it. The guy who plays the Linebacker and the Millionaire in Friends is much funnier.

By far Keanu's greatest achievement is the Bill & Ted movies. A film for a whole generation to aspire to, really stretching himself and challenging boundaries, these films will live on long after he's left us. Dude...

Tags: Humour, Keanu Reeves